I might have made a mistake; advice is appreciated.

[an37]

I'm sorry if this is the wrong forum, but I'm hoping for some outside perspectives. I feel like I might have made a huge mistake by getting married a few months ago. I truly love my husband very much, but I'm questioning our future right now. He is a sexual person, and I identify more as a gray-ace. This has created issues for us, but so far, we've made it work. I could see this becoming more of an issue as time goes on. I think I have a bigger issue though: I'm questioning my romantic orientation, and it's getting harder to ignore.

 

For background, before getting married, I started thinking I might be bisexual/bi-romantic. I tried dating women for almost two years, but I had no luck and lost all hope. I never told anyone in person about my feelings because it didn't seem like something I should bring up unless it was actually happening. I started to wonder if maybe I was just missing having close female friendships. I used to have very supportive and affectionate best friends, and I miss that (completely platonic). I thought maybe someday I'll find a female best friend again, and that will be good enough. After realizing that I would probably never find an ace woman who I'm compatible with, my would-be husband and I reconnected after a few years apart. He was ready to settle down, everything seemed to click, and it seemed to be the best/most stable path. We are a great team, and again, I truly love and care about him.

 

He's been working out of state on and off for the past couple of months, so we've spent a lot of time apart. I've been very lonely, especially with this pandemic. I joined Tik-Tok about a month ago out of boredom, and one of the first videos I saw featured a lesbian couple. Now most of my "for you" videos are of lesbians or people who identify as ace. I can't stop thinking about how much I wish I was in a female relationship. I realized it's a problem when I noticed I get more butterflies watching two females showing even a little affection (not sexual, just a hug or genuine concern) than when I'm with my husband in person. I find myself wishing for someone to cuddle with/talk to, and often times, my husband isn't the first person who comes to mind.

 

Is this just "the grass is greener" phenomenon now that I'm married? I think he would be extremely hurt and devastated to know I'm feeling like this. I think this would destroy his self-esteem and all trust he has in me. I don't want to ruin everything for something that I may never find or something I'm not sure about. We have a good life, and I know I should be grateful for what I have. I don't know if I should tell him, consider getting a divorce, try to suppress these feelings, or propose an open relationship (I'm sure he would be mortified/opposed, so that would probably ruin everything). Everyday I feel more depressed and isolated.

[Abigail Rose]

The worst thing a person can do, is convince themselves that settling for anything less than true happiness will ever be good for them. The next is to know what that happiness is and hide from it. That hurts you and anyone you care for. That is just my life's experience. Better to address that sooner than later. I wish I had.

[artisanneighbor]

i think it will be better to address it now rather than let it live on in secrecy

[an37]

Thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate it. I have no idea where to start or how I should go about this, but I guess it is something I should be honest about. I know this is going to create so much pain and sadness; I don't know if my fantasy is worth that.

[an37]

44 minutes ago, CBC said:

For me I couldn't stay silent eventually, however a large part of that may have been due to the fact that my marriage was unfulfilling anyway, and it was nothing more than a comfortable friendship with commitments.

Oh wow. That's exactly how I would describe my marriage right now. This is such a horrible feeling, I'm sorry that you went through it as well.

[an37]

Thank you for sharing your experience though. At least I'm hearing that I'm not the only one who has done this before and maybe I can come out of this okay somehow.

[sweet potaylor]

Hi an37. I think you should do what you need so that you are happy with your life, because ultimately you are the only one who matters. If it helps, then look at your marriage as just another chapter in your life. In the grand scheme of things, you getting married seemed right at the time, but is no longer what you want/need in a relationship. 

And whether or not you think you'll ever find an ace woman to be with is no reason to stay in a marriage you aren't happy with. If your husband is truly your best friend, he will understand and want you to be happy too. And if you keep these feelings shoved down, they will only resurface later or cause you more stress/problems in the long run. The least you can do is talk to him about how you are feeling because he might understand. 

[an37]

Thank you, sweet potaylor. I really like that perspective. It seems like this is something I should confront. It's so scary though. This will create so many problems and make life so complicated. I feel like I should just be grateful and suck it up. I've never felt so hopeless and stupid. I always think things through--too much usually. I can't believe I let myself get to this place.

[anisotrophic]

I think you should talk to him about how you’re feeling, not hide it — you risk assuming a lot about what he wants, if you don’t communicate honestly.

[uhtred]

Honesty generally results in less pain overall.  If you try to live your life as a lie, you will end up making both of you miserable. 

[Jayfeather]

I think you should be honest, because keeping these important emotions that you clearly need to vent is only going to be painful for you and your partner, too, because you cant fake something like your orientation for too long. I wish you good luck ❤️

[Tetus]

I definitely think having a conversation with your husband is the right choice. I had a marriage fall apart a while back (among other problems, I had not really come to terms with my ace stuff yet), and we never had a conversation, which meant that things came to a much more melodramatic and painful head than they probably needed to.

 

Regardless of the outcome, better to have things out in the open. There may be a way to make things work, if you both want that, and the only way to find out if that’s true is to talk about it. If there’s not a way to make it work or you don’t want to, having a talk gives you both the best chance at a less painful transition to the next part of your lives.

 

I’m sorry you have to go through this - it’s not something I’d wish on anyone. Good luck.

[an37]

Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate the advice and different perspectives. I can tell he's already becoming frustrated with certain parts of our relationship, so I can see why it would be better to dive into this now instead of waiting. I'm still terrified, but hopefully I'll come up with some sort of plan.