Is this girl grooming me for a FWB without me realizing it?

[Guest]

I'm a 23 year old male and I've been seeing this girl (21) lately. I initially actually felt attracted to her. It was easy to feel relaxed around her, she was caring and easy to talk to. She recognized mistakes that she made, so therefore I thought it was safe to assume that every red flag I've seen from her would be safe.

 

Now? Not so much.

 

I think she secretly wants a friends with benefits relationship. This is all evidence, albeit circumstantial. When we went in my car for the first time, she got sexual real quick. She asked me if I was a virgin, said that she thought sex felt good (lol), and asked me if one of her breasts being slightly bigger than the other was normal. She also told me about a couple of friends with benefits relationships that she's had.

 

Then on the first date some weeks later, she implied that she had a porn addiction and would masturbate just about every night. Almost spat out my dinner right then and there. Wasn't expecting that. 

 

This has all been within two or so weeks. 

 

So between telling me her multiple friends with benefits situations and getting sexual very quickly. I believe that's what she's been trying to establish. However, there has been no suggestive touching or sexual implications besides what I've said.

 

What really worries me is that she does not have all of her eggs in a basket. She is clingy, desperate and insecure. She calls me her love, she calls herself my future wife and reveals extremely personal details to try to bring out a connection. Heart emojis abound.

 

My anxiety comes from her accusing me of sexual assault if I piss her off in some way. I literally didn't text her for a day because I was busy and she got salty. What will she do if I deny her sexual offers? How angry or petty can she get?

 

I'm thinking of texting her. It will come off as impersonal and might make her hate me, but I'll have evidence to back me up if she DOES throw out an accusation. But also going in person will make things more personal, but harder to prove.

 

She just keeps implying romance and then backing off to just friends. So it's like, maybe she wants neither. And maybe she expects all guys to want sex, so she's playing the inning early, as it were.

 

I'm going to ask for clarification once and for all. I'll cite those sexual examples and ask her if her intentions are more than meets the eye.

 

What do you all think? I'm really freaking out and I would really like some opinions. Thank you so much.

[Lord Jade Cross]

This video, which never gets old sounds eerily accurate, right down to the two weeks. My impression, she's a nut job. I've had that happen before as well. Hightail it out of there!

 

 

[Guest]

It sounds like she's toxic for you or just has a lot of issues you are not prepared to deal with. I'd say be upfront and put distance between you too if needed. That's a shitty situation and she's seriously acting out of line. 

[Philip027]

You kind of do realize it though, don't you?

 

I've had one "acquaintance" that was pretty much like this, and well, let's just say there were reasons I referred to her that way and not as a friend.

[MakeupJunkie4]

To echo what everyone else is saying - this does not sound like a good situation and IMO your best bet is to quickly put some time and space between you. This can get bad fast if you don't.

[AceMissBehaving]

Yeah this sounds like a whole bunch of red flags, I’m not sure what her angle is, but it sounds more uncomfortable and toxic than something worthwhile 

[Guest]

54 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

You kind of do realize it though, don't you?

 

I've had one "acquaintance" that was pretty much like this, and well, let's just say there were reasons I referred to her that way and not as a friend.

I mean, I only just very recently realized it after deliberating with some other friends of mine about this situation. I don't think I'd ever come to the conclusion without them.

[Abigail Rose]

This person has some very deep insecurities and low self esteem or value in herself. She is a danger to you. The text message is the way to go and if you need to be in her presence, you'd be wise to bring a friend. Just to cover yourself in that event. A lot of places will not allow text messages or recordings as evidence but, there are some circumstances where it may be allowed. For your sake, I hope it doesn't come to that. 

[gisiebob]

this sounds like something that involves two people, and right now you are thinking about this alone. maybe we are not the person you should be looking for guidance from? or maybe she is someone you don't feel like you can entrust seeking guidance from.

[AspieAlly613]

If I were you, when the next convenient opportunity presented itself (which, from the sound of things, won't be too far away) I'd politely but unambiguously state my romantic/sexual feelings (or lack thereof).

 

One relevant question:  How do you know her?  Is it possible that people have realized that you're 23 and not sexually motivated, and are running some sort of experiment on you?

[Real Estate RICO]

You got receipts if she tries something. Refer her to a therapist and run as fast and as far from her ass as you can.

 

She's gonna fuck you up if you let her in your life.

 

 

[Guest]

8 hours ago, gisiebob said:

this sounds like something that involves two people, and right now you are thinking about this alone. maybe we are not the person you should be looking for guidance from? or maybe she is someone you don't feel like you can entrust seeking guidance from.

What do you mean? I'm just asking for some advice so I can implement when I do deal with this situation.

[KayleeK]

She sounds a bit mad to me 😝 and too much hassle. I'd say get away from her while its early in the relationship.

Sorry if that sounds mean, obviously its your choice. But I mean you sound sexually incompatible - if you are asexual and she likes alot of sex ??Apart from that though she sounds like she has alot of issues going on - the clinginess, saying she's your wife,  getting angry if you dont text her.... Do you really want to have to deal with all of that?

[Sylvestra]

I don't really understand this story. If she wants a friend with benefits then you are not the right choice, but that does not mean that she is "grooming" you. It is also completely unclear from your post why you fear her accusing you of sexual assault.

 

However, the mere fact that you distrust her so much is reason enough to break off contact. That is really a no-brainer.

[GalaxyOwl]

I don’t think this is “grooming” but that’s definitely creepy and I’m pretty sure she wants to have sex with you. I’d say just tell her you’re not interested but she does seem like the type of person who would make up lies about you if you said something you didn’t like. You should probably avoid her if possible, but if it’s not you’ll likely have to tell her to stop. If you feel comfortable telling her you’re asexual, I would suggest having a female friend there when you do this and make it very clear that it’s not her fault. She’ll probably still say something really cruel to you, but if you don’t say anything she’ll keep acting inappropriately. Having someone female there should prevent her from accusing you of assaulting her.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

If it were me I'd have told her I'm not sexual (asexual in your case). It seems like something worth telling her considering how sexual she is, and if she wants to be closer to you.

You're not me though So you do what feels better to you, but clearly she'd like to have sex. She's one of those girls that doesn't fully know what she wants, she's guided by her feelings. That can be tricky. But in the end, it really depends how you feel about her, and if you want to have her as a friend or closer. It probably wouldn't work in a closed relationship since you're asexual, but you can still be closer if you want. Her knowing you're asexual would make some things clearer though.

If she's very clingy even as a friend, then I guess that's a little complicated. Sometimes it's nice someone that depends on us, but if it's much, then at some point maybe you need to say something, that you want to be friends but not for her to rely on you, or something. I don't know, just ideas because I'm not sure what someone can do in those situations, often I'm the one that's clingy lol.

[Blue eyes white dragon]

The only time I had a "relationship" with someone, it was very much like this. Being really vulnerable with me and saying I was one of the few people he trusts blah blah blah. We talked about everything and i trusted him and he helped me. I fell for him hard. But after his life went to hell even more than it was, he started bringing up the subject of sex (before I realized I was asexual) and said he wanted me to be comfortable but wanted to help me explore and push me were I needed to be. I should have stopped things right there but I wanted to do something rebellious and tried clinging to him after he  started drifting away. So were exchanged naughty texts and pic but he didnt want to be considered friends with benefits just friends still. After things got really far he asked if we can do the deed if he ever comes back to my state (he moved for school) and I said sure but he became uncertain if he actually wanted to so I quickly removed myself from the situation. I felt like I was became a toy after a great friendship we had. He apologized and I still love him, but giving time and space. Maybe in the future things will be better. But do what I didnt do so you dont get hurt: confront her safely and if you need to get her out of your life, do it.

[PermianElle]

You should never be friends with someone if you think they'll accuse you if sexual assault. If you're uncomfortable with her discussing sexual things with you, tell her. She's not grooming you, the ages are too close, but she either overshares, has a personality disorder, or has some trauma. I'm sure there are other options, those are just the ones that occurred to me.

 

Hypersexuality is a symptom of some mental disorders, as well as a way people who've been sexually abused can act to cope with the trauma. It's not okay and you can lay down boundaries. 

 

I hope the situation has improved (nearly a month later), but if not I would suggest space. Like, 'I'm sorry, your behavior makes me uncomfortable and I don't think we can be friends.' Check your local laws about recordings and if it's legal, record the conversation. If not, you can send a text. Just to have a record, since you were worried about her retaliating.

 

Above all, please do not start a sexual relationship with this woman.

[nanogretchen4]

This person sounds unstable and you are obviously afraid that she will retaliate in some way. You should cut off contact, and I think your instinct to communicate by text so everything is documented is a good one.

 

The other issue in your post is that you are 23 years old. If someone two years younger than you wants to have a sexual relationship with you, with or without romance and exclusivity, that would not be "grooming". That would just be an offer that might or might not interest you.

[Guest]

On 12/25/2020 at 6:25 AM, nanogretchen4 said:

The other issue in your post is that you are 23 years old. If someone two years younger than you wants to have a sexual relationship with you, with or without romance and exclusivity, that would not be "grooming". That would just be an offer that might or might not interest you.

I thought that this was the ONLY issue. Didn't know my post was THAT shit, lol.
 

When I say "grooming", I don't mean in the traditional sense of a predator setting a minor up for sexual encounters, I should've just said hints. The meaning might've come out better that way. My bad.

 

On 12/22/2020 at 9:56 AM, PermianElle said:

You should never be friends with someone if you think they'll accuse you if sexual assault. If you're uncomfortable with her discussing sexual things with you, tell her. She's not grooming you, the ages are too close, but she either overshares, has a personality disorder, or has some trauma. I'm sure there are other options, those are just the ones that occurred to me.

 

Hypersexuality is a symptom of some mental disorders, as well as a way people who've been sexually abused can act to cope with the trauma. It's not okay and you can lay down boundaries. 

 

I hope the situation has improved (nearly a month later), but if not I would suggest space. Like, 'I'm sorry, your behavior makes me uncomfortable and I don't think we can be friends.' Check your local laws about recordings and if it's legal, record the conversation. If not, you can send a text. Just to have a record, since you were worried about her retaliating.

 

Above all, please do not start a sexual relationship with this woman.

Already explained the "grooming" bit in the above post. Things have improved, she seems to just merely tolerate me now on the very rare occasions that I see her, which made me feel like shit only for a little bit. Like, she didn't even flip or react in any way except cold when I broke this off with her. She also never texted me again (save for what I think was a "Netflix and chill" setup). It made me feel lie once I didn't offer her sex, I was nothing to her.

 

Guess I should be especially glad I didn't pursue anything with her in that case.

[MakeupJunkie4]

This is similar to something I experienced in my early 20's. A longtime childhood friend kept "hinting" at a romantic/sexual relationship and was very attentive to me, listening to my problems and being extra-nice....when he pushed his hints too far and suggested we get married (we weren't even dating), I told him clearly, NO. Marriage in general was not of interest to me. Thank you. He literally disappeared overnight. No calls, no texts, no nothing. It's been 10 years, my number hasn't changed - and still silence. He's been married 3 times according to a mutual acquaintance. Sheesh.

[Guest]

On 11/25/2020 at 11:55 PM, AceWing said:

She is clingy, desperate and insecure.

You're either set up for a FWB setting, or a roller-coaster relationship. 

 

I have been there done that for either, and trust me--neither are worth the headache and the years of your life that will be shaved off in high stress and drama. 

 

For what? Wild nyphomaniac like sex where she wants to be urinated on, called names and hurt to the point where she cries, then smiles because she loves it? I know even some highly sexual men who would start backing away slowly at this. 

 

On 11/25/2020 at 11:55 PM, AceWing said:

However, there has been no suggestive touching

She likely is putting herself out there. It would then be up to you to take charge of the situation, should you be interested. 

 

She lined it up, put it on a platter. It's all yours if you take it. 

 

On 11/25/2020 at 11:55 PM, AceWing said:

How angry or petty can she get?

From my experience from women like this, you are ranging them demanding for half of what you got if it's a divorce. To being gaslit throughout your relationship. 

 

In a dating setting, it's them having a histrionic fit and crying and demeaning you, only you reel you back in with a tearful apology and begging you not to leave them, how they will change and rinse and repeat. 

 

She has serious daddy issues, along with many other issues. 

 

She reeks of borderline personality disorder. I have dated a couple. Never again.... 

 

I tell friends the same. If sex is what you are after, no amount of it will make up for what she will put you through. 

 

Sex is not that good. 

 

Run. Don't look back.