Is this Ace?? Send help

[Grimmgirl]

Hello and welcome to my existential crisis!

 

I've just got into the whole ace community, because I just recently had the whole oh crud I may be ace thought. I was talking to a friend saying how I never felt the desire to go any further with my partners beyond making out with them, and she went *cough* ace, and I went boom spiral. 

 

I came here through reading the Invisible Orientation, which was extremely validating but also very confusing at the same time, so that was helpful.

 

Here's the thing, I'm not entirely sure if I experience sexual attraction or not? I know I find people aesthetically attractive, enough to be like hey I wouldn't mind kissing you for an indeterminate period of time but not in a way that has to do with anything more. I get butterflies in my stomach at intense makeout scenes on tv, but it's not a turned on thing its more a "heck I want that intimacy and relationship" type thing. Is this a thing that other people have experienced?

I've also had sex, because I was curious about all the hype and because it seemed like the natural progression for my relationship. Turns out I'm pretty indifferent to it. It does nothing for me either way. That thing of "would you have sex with (attractive person) if they asked" is kinda a mute point for me because I mean, I would probably say yes because I could not care either way and I would have gotten to kiss someone. 

 

Anyway I'm confused, and I don't like it. I realize I don't have to label myself but personally, I like labels and well defined things so if anyone relates or has any wisdom, please let me know! 

[senACEay_11]

Welcome to AVEN btw! 🎂 🥮 🍥 🍰 

 

From what you described, you may be ace. It seems that you do experience aesthetic attraction, and the idea of you wanting to kiss someone seems to be sensual attraction, but there doesn't seem to be much more. Then again, only you can truly figure out your orientation for yourself, so reflect, ponder over it, but take your time

[Philip027]

It's not really about being willing to have sex (some aces are), it's about whether or not you desire it.

[Clem7]

I feel very similarly! When I would have crushes or see a celeb/character who's my type there's definitely a feeling of desire. A pull in their direction. But when I think "okay, what action would satiate this need for this person? What do I actually want to do?" Heavy kissing is on the list, but sex? While I like giving, I'm not sure how I feel about receiving and I end up feeling pretty indifferent. I'm also new to the community and am trying to see where I fit in. I feel like I really relate to how youre feeling, or how youre describing your situation. Sex as a concept with two characters in a tv show or book? Nice, I am so about it. Sex where I am involved? I can do it and enjoy it, but it's not the height of the human experience as I was led to believe it would be. Take this next piece with a grain of salt because I'm still learning, but have you looked into demisexuality? From my understanding, it's where one experiences sexual attraction after making an deep emotional bond with a person. Perhaps that is a piece you have been missing? Obviously I don't know anything about your past relationships so I may be out of line. In which case, I wholeheartedly apologize! It just sounded like it would fit with your indifference to sex with (attractive person) you may not be connected to.

[Grimmgirl]

On 11/25/2020 at 11:49 PM, senACEay_11 said:

Welcome to AVEN btw! 🎂 🥮 🍥 🍰 

 

From what you described, you may be ace. It seems that you do experience aesthetic attraction, and the idea of you wanting to kiss someone seems to be sensual attraction, but there doesn't seem to be much more. Then again, only you can truly figure out your orientation for yourself, so reflect, ponder over it, but take your time

Thank you for the welcome, and the reminder to cool my jets! I appreciate it. I think I'm going to have to look into sensual attraction more, cause it still confuses me,  but from what I understand you may be right

 

On 11/26/2020 at 1:18 AM, Philip027 said:

It's not really about being willing to have sex (some aces are), it's about whether or not you desire it.

Yeah there definitely hasn't been a time where I've wanted to have sex because of something that wasn't just pure curiosity. Kinda like deciding trying a new food that everyone has been going on about? Thanks for the response! 

 

On 11/26/2020 at 3:25 AM, Clem7 said:

I feel very similarly! When I would have crushes or see a celeb/character who's my type there's definitely a feeling of desire. A pull in their direction. But when I think "okay, what action would satiate this need for this person? What do I actually want to do?" Heavy kissing is on the list, but sex? While I like giving, I'm not sure how I feel about receiving and I end up feeling pretty indifferent. I'm also new to the community and am trying to see where I fit in. I feel like I really relate to how youre feeling, or how youre describing your situation. Sex as a concept with two characters in a tv show or book? Nice, I am so about it. Sex where I am involved? I can do it and enjoy it, but it's not the height of the human experience as I was led to believe it would be. Take this next piece with a grain of salt because I'm still learning, but have you looked into demisexuality? From my understanding, it's where one experiences sexual attraction after making an deep emotional bond with a person. Perhaps that is a piece you have been missing? Obviously I don't know anything about your past relationships so I may be out of line. In which case, I wholeheartedly apologize! It just sounded like it would fit with your indifference to sex with (attractive person) you may not be connected to.

Yes! Someone who knows where I'm coming from! Thanks for the suggestion about demisexuality, however I'm like 99% sure that isn't the case. I've felt pretty attached to most of the people I've been in relationships with, but have never really had the desire to go further, except for science's sake. No worries about stepping out of line though, it definitely could have been a possibility for someone else who had written something similar! Can we just talk about how underwhelming sex was though?? 

[Philip027]

Quote

Yeah there definitely hasn't been a time where I've wanted to have sex because of something that wasn't just pure curiosity. Kinda like deciding trying a new food that everyone has been going on about? Thanks for the response! 

I personally don't feel curiosity really disqualifies someone from being ace.  (Once you do satisfy your curiosity, and if you find out that it's something you like enough to the point you feel driven to keep pursuing it, though...)

 

Wanting to understand what the hype around something is is a fairly universal thing.  It doesn't necessarily mean you WILL be able to understand it, and there's many aces who have tried -- usually in vain, because of their (sometimes unbeknownst to them) nature.

[Grimmgirl]

6 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I personally don't feel curiosity really disqualifies someone from being ace.  (Once you do satisfy your curiosity, and if you find out that it's something you like enough to the point you feel driven to keep pursuing it, though...)

 

Wanting to understand what the hype around something is is a fairly universal thing.  It doesn't necessarily mean you WILL be able to understand it, and there's many aces who have tried -- usually in vain, because of their (sometimes unbeknownst to them) nature.

This... actually makes a lot of sense?? This kinda just clicked something for me. I definitely don't feel like its something it's something that I want to seek out. Thank you very much!!