My partner, an allosexual, wants to open our relationship and I am scared

[biromanticace]

This is my first time joining AVEN, though I've thought about it many times. I am a 38yo female and am beginning to think that "asexual" may be a better fit for me than "bisexual." I have identified as bisexual for 15 years or so because I've been in (monogamous) relationships with both men and women. My current partner of 6 years is a 36yo heterosexual male. We were sexually active the first 6 months of our relationship and after that, I began to not be interested. I love my partner. We enjoy many things together and there are many positive aspects of our relationship. 

 

This is a recurring theme in my life - losing interest in sex. The first time this happened, I was married to a man in my 20s and we eventually divorced because it did not work for either of us. My ex-husband literally confronted me with an excel spreadsheet of how many times we had sex over a year-long period. I'm not sure what he was hoping to accomplish with that. At that time, I began to think that I may be lesbian. He thought that too. As it turns out, I tend to have about six months of interest in sex no matter how much I care for my partner, regardless of gender.  I've read books, gone to therapy, gone off of medication that is helpful to me hoping it would increase my libido, read books, tried to watch porn, all related to the idea that I was "broken." I'm so sick of it. Maybe this is just how I am.  I do not need sex to feel deeply connected. 

 

Nevermind that we live in a culture that glorifies sex as the pinnacle of life and have had a president who has made repeated grotesque and demeaning sexual comments and advances towards women and was still elected anyway. Gross. 

 

As hard as it is to admit, sex has always become a chore for me. At this age, I'm no longer able to "force" myself to be sexual out of love for my partner and wanting to meet my partner's needs. Over the years, my current partner has come to understand that it is not about him. It's about my disinterest (or at times, even repulsion). He is as understanding as I think a sexual person can be in this situation. We've talked about opening our relationship a number of times to address his need for sexual connection. I vacillate wildly in openness to this and just don't know how to go about it without being hurt. Logically, I understand that he needs this to be fulfilled in his life. He has made it clear he'd prefer that it be with me and I just can't make myself, regardless of the fact that I love him. He tells me that he thinks about sex everyday and I'm uncomfortable even talking about it. On one hand, I do think it would be a huge relief to not feel the pressure of having sex or constantly have this conversation about opening our relationship. On the other, thinking of him being away from the home and me imagining various scenarios cause me anxiety. 

 

I would love to hear from any of you who identify on the ace spectrum share your experiences with opening your relationship and whether or not you believe that can work for the long-term. I'd love to know of any solid resources on how to respectfully open a relationship so that everyone feels safe. And how to even have this conversation without being triggered by fear of this unknown way of living. 

 

Thanks in advance for any feedback on this sensitive topic. 

 

[blue dog]

it may work out ok for you if he is discreet and does not flaunt what he does, stays respectful and treats you right. if he truely cares for you and shows it. just look the other way and dont rock the boat. if your both mature enough to handle it will be important. good luck.

[LoveNotSex?]

I'm (probably) gray-asexual and in an open relationship with my allosexual partner, and I'm okay with him having sexual activities with others.
I understand that you are afraid of this unknown situation. For me though, it's okay because it is 'just sex'. Since I don't really care about sex and sex doesn't mean much in a relationship for me, it also doesn't really mean anything for our relationship if he has sex with others - as long as there are no romantic feelings or a deep emotional connection between him and the other person. Furthermore, I want him to be happy, and if sex is an activity that makes him happy, but I don't want to share it (as frequently as he wants), it's fair if he can have it without me (a bit like when he wants to pursue another hobby I'm not really interested in).

I think it's important to talk openly about it, about your whishes, concerns, boundaries etc. My partner and I talk about it before and after his activities, he asks me if it's okay for me and tells me (a bit) how it was. I found it helpful to have an arrangement like 'only sex with strangers / only once or few times', so I didn't have to worry about a potential emotional or romantic connection between him and others.

By the way, that doesn't mean that our relationship is fine; he is unhappy because of my lack of desire to have sex with him nevertheless and we have other problems as well, but every relationship is different. All the best for yours!

[Guest]

I recommend the books more than two and the ethical slut ... also looking into the polyamory communities. Feelings tend to happen with people who are sex buddies - so you need clear rules on what boundaries are etc before going into it. Nothing should really be unknown if that's making you uncomfortable. 

[LoveNotSex?]

19 hours ago, Serran said:

polyamory communities. Feelings tend to happen with people who are sex buddies

I think it's also important to be aware of different variations of 'opening' a relationship:
1) Open relationship IMO refers to being open for sexual activities with others as 'just sex', but not (or not necessarily, rules have to be established individually) for forming additional relationships or developing romantic feelings or deep emotional connections with others, and
2) Polyamory, where the partners are allowed to form additional relationships, fall in love with others and so on.

A lot of thoughts, discussion and shared experience about the topic can also be found here:

Actually, reading it slightly increased my doubts whether opening a relationship for 'just meaningless sex' as I did is really as easy and safe as I thought, since allosexuals seem to form meaningful emotional connections via sex quite often. I think it depends a lot on the character of the sexual partner, whether they can and want to have 'just sex' without an emotional connection or not.

[Guest]

 

 

35 minutes ago, LoveNotSex? said:

Actually, reading it slightly increased my doubts whether opening a relationship for 'just meaningless sex' as I did is really as easy and safe as I thought, since allosexuals seem to form meaningful emotional connections via sex quite often. I think it depends a lot on the character of the sexual partner, whether they can and want to have 'just sex' without an emotional connection or not.

I personally feel like making the rule "no emotions" is setting yourself up for major complications.  Especially since a lot of sexuals cannot enjoy sex as ONS, or get tired of the constant chase to find them. 

 

Some (rare) couples make open only, no emotions work. But, most I see end up starting that way and moving back to mono or to poly because emotions came into play (or the lack thereof made the sex unfulfilling). 

 

Whether you go open or poly though, poly should absolutely be discussed because it is the most likely scenario to come up from transitioning to non-monogamy and you both need to be on the exact same page for what the rules are if that happens. 

[anisotrophic]

13 minutes ago, Serran said:

Whether you go open or poly though, poly should absolutely be discussed because it is the most likely scenario to come up from transitioning to non-monogamy and you both need to be on the exact same page for what the rules are if that happens.

Fully agree.

 

Hell, I think the potential situation where a partner gets a crush or “falls in love” with another person is under-discussed even in non-open long term relationships — making it more likely to turn into a secretive trust-breaking situation (even without sex occurring!)

[LoveNotSex?]

12 minutes ago, Serran said:

Especially since a lot of sexuals cannot enjoy sex as ONS

That might be a very relevant point to discuss before opening a relationship, it's also what I meant here:
 

52 minutes ago, LoveNotSex? said:

I think it depends a lot on the character of the sexual partner, whether they can and want to have 'just sex' without an emotional connection or not.

 

13 minutes ago, Serran said:

or get tired of the constant chase to find them. 

yep, that's an issue, too, especially this year during the pandemic.

 

14 minutes ago, Serran said:

poly should absolutely be discussed because it is the most likely scenario to come up from transitioning to non-monogamy

Hm, really? Doesn't it depend on how the sexual partner chooses the other person(s) they have sex with? When my partner chooses someone who he finds hot, but just superficially, and whose character doesn't match his requirements/preferences, I've been quite sure that he wouldn't fall in love or develop a deep emotional bond just because of having sex few times. I don't really understand how/why sex increases feelings of love in sexuals, but I hope love and deep emotional connection aren't just generated 'out of nothing' by sex?

 

1 minute ago, anisotrophic said:

Hell, I think the potential situation where a partner gets a crush or “falls in love” with another person is under-discussed even in non-open long term relationships — making it more likely to turn into a secretive trust-breaking situation (even without sex occurring!)

I think so too, but isn't it a danger that is rather independ from the 'just meaningless sex with someone they neither like nor dislike and who isn't a good match' open scenario?

[anisotrophic]

1 minute ago, LoveNotSex? said:

I think so too, but isn't it a danger that is rather independ from the 'just meaningless sex with someone they neither like nor dislike and who isn't a good match' open scenario?

I think the lack of anticipating the scenario has the same flavor to it... of not imagining it’s possible. And it really is, especially if this “meaningless sex” wasn’t a routine someone was engaged in historically before the relationship started (ie it’s not how they naturally were behaving, before).

[Guest]

40 minutes ago, LoveNotSex? said:

 

 

Hm, really? Doesn't it depend on how the sexual partner chooses the other person(s) they have sex with? When my partner chooses someone who he finds hot, but just superficially, and whose character doesn't match his requirements/preferences, I've been quite sure that he wouldn't fall in love or develop a deep emotional bond just because of having sex few times. I don't really understand how/why sex increases feelings of love in sexuals, but I hope love and deep emotional connection aren't just generated 'out of nothing' by sex?

I mean... I know people who have fallen in love after initially hooking up not expecting it from both the scenario of:

 

1) Random hookup at bar/club with no connection beyond a few hours together that formed an intense connection and followed with "can't stop thinking about them"

 

And 

 

2) FWB where it was supposed to be purely physical but something happened that showed a personality trait that sparked feelings unexpectedly 

 

sex gives all those bonding chemicals in the brain and forms the perfect chemical recipe for more.. if anything else clicks, sex can cause feelings to form hard and fast. Thats why so many FWB situations end up too complicated, since one or the other develops feels. 

 

So it is really never a guarantee, regardless of how its chosen. You can't pick who you fall for. And what doesn't seem a good match on paper could end up being your hearts next obsession. My wife began as a friend and she was IDing as lithromantic and she is trans... both of which were obvious off limits signs to me. Now we are romantically in love and I dont ID as hetero anymore since she is a woman and so am I. Go figure. 

 

Logic doesn't rule the heart. 

[LoveNotSex?]

Maybe I should mention that my own relationship is like a counter-example to your concerns and observations:
My partner can have sex with others, but hasn't developed any feelings for them and is confident that he wouldn't ever (I've just talked about it with him again). Whereas I on the other hand am gray-asexual and not interested in the option to have sex with others, but developed deep (I'd say queerplatonic) love for a good friend (via platonic, emotional interaction and cuddling), so I'm rather the polyamorous one in our relationship. Surely haven't expected or planned this strange relationship constellation.

[Sinking_In]

@biromanticace your sexual history sounds a lot like my wife's. Our marriage reached the same point as your first marriage, but rather than divorcing, we both tried to make it work, and ended up where you're at now in your current relationship: acceptance, but at a crossroads or sorts. We were both feeling neglected, really, which neither of us wanted for one another. When it came to sex, she couldn't bring herself to go through with it, and I couldn't go without it. We had to both come to terms with that being OKAY, and that there was nothing wrong with that, but it wasn't sustainable in terms of a working relationship for us. Our options were clear, divorce or open the marriage. That wasn't a threat, it was just a stark reality. Even now I can't say opening the relationship is the perfect answer, but I can say that for over a year now, it is working out in a way that works for us.

 

On 11/23/2020 at 9:04 AM, biromanticace said:

On one hand, I do think it would be a huge relief to not feel the pressure of having sex or constantly have this conversation about opening our relationship. On the other, thinking of him being away from the home and me imagining various scenarios cause me anxiety. 

 

You shouldn't have to imagine anything. You need to trust your partner for any of it to work. If you don't, or can't, then your imagination will always get the better of you. Your focus should be on your relationship and the happiness it brings you both. You'll have to find your way to feeling some degree of compersion, and that may come as you find more joy in the relationship with your partner. If you find yourself dwelling on doubts regarding your partner having sex with someone else, perhaps some comfort or relief can be found in the idea that you get all of the emotional love and physical affection from him with none of the problematic, messy and repulsive acts of sex that have been a point of contention and a source of stress for your relationship.

 

Whatever you do, don't jump into it until you both feel ready and have clearly given permission to do so.

I wish you all the best! You both deserve happiness, regardless of how you choose to get there.

[Sinking_In]

On 11/27/2020 at 9:23 AM, LoveNotSex? said:

Actually, reading it slightly increased my doubts whether opening a relationship for 'just meaningless sex' as I did is really as easy and safe as I thought, since allosexuals seem to form meaningful emotional connections via sex quite often. I think it depends a lot on the character of the sexual partner, whether they can and want to have 'just sex' without an emotional connection or not.

 

On 11/27/2020 at 1:15 PM, LoveNotSex? said:

My partner can have sex with others, but hasn't developed any feelings for them and is confident that he wouldn't ever (I've just talked about it with him again). Whereas I on the other hand am gray-asexual and not interested in the option to have sex with others, but developed deep (I'd say queerplatonic) love for a good friend (via platonic, emotional interaction and cuddling), so I'm rather the polyamorous one in our relationship. Surely haven't expected or planned this strange relationship constellation.

The working relationship for you is the allosexual partner is given permission to have sex without emotional attachment, whereas you, the asexual partner, is given permission to have emotional relationships without sex? That's an interesting dynamic  

[LoveNotSex?]

34 minutes ago, Sinking_In said:

The working relationship for you is the allosexual partner is given permission to have sex without emotional attachment, whereas you, the asexual partner, is given permission to have emotional relationships without sex? That's an interesting dynamic  

Well, the whole story is a bit more complicated... I didn't have an explicit permission to feel love for my friend, it rather just developed from 'normal friendship' into a very deep friendship and caring for each other (also through difficult times) where I feel I love him. It's hard to tell what kind of relationship it is, also because he is on the Autism Spectrum and doesn't like and easily understand categories of and labels for different kinds of relationships, and my feelings for him are somewhere between platonic and romantic plus a strong desire to cuddle. My partner has also set boundaries to what I'm 'allowed' to do with him and how much time we spend together. Furthermore, things got more complicated with my friend's 'other friend'. So there's a lot of poly complication just without sex - could also be called just friendship(s), but doesn't quite feel like it.

By the way, reading your story was really interesting and I admired how well you've handled the situations (and also how easlily you seem to get to know people and form meaningful connections with them).

[Nylocke]

Before I broke it off with my allo ex, he literally got triggered by me sending asexual validating posts and suggested we need to "open the relationship" all because I sent an asexual validating meme/picture thing ...