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skyefall

What am I? Aromantic? Afraid of commitment?

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skyefall

Hello, I am not sure what I am. I have been i. relationships before, but I am the one that always breaks up with them. One time my ex broke up with me because we were more like friends than lovers. That was the only time I felt sad after a breakup. The other time I would break up before 1 month of dating. I either felt trapped in the relationship or really uncomfortable, but it wasnt that persons fault. I can’t tell platonic and romantic feelings apart. I think I like someone and ask them out but then I end up breaking up with them and hurting their feelings. I know I am a bad person for that. I really want a romantic relationship. I dont date in real life, I don’t know anyone irl and when I do, I don’t have a crush on them. So all my ex’s are online and I have met 2 of them irl once. I do like cuddling, hugging and holding hands. I am not sure about anything else. I want to start a new relationship, with my online best friend. She likes me and I like her (atleast I think so, I’m not sure). But I often tend to pick out people to have a crush on, which are mostly friends. I end up destroying friendships because if that reason. I’m also a very flirty person (online). 

 

Please help me, I don’t know what I am and I am so lost. 

If it helps; I am a lesbian and non binary, thinking I might be aromantic or someone with commitment issues.

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Saphoune

Hello Skyefall,

 

You are the only one who can figure out if you would be on the aromantic spectrum. Usually this starts by asking yourself a lot of questions.

 

What would you like in a romantic relationship? Why do you prefer online dating to irl?

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Georgi

Maybe it would be good to look into the types of attachements... I know that the avoidant one usually feels trapped in a relationhip (I think).

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skyefall
1 hour ago, Georgi said:

Maybe it would be good to look into the types of attachements... I know that the avoidant one usually feels trapped in a relationhip (I think).

It indeed is avoidance, I just looked it up. I never heard of it before tho. Thank u!

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Acerna
1 hour ago, Georgi said:

Maybe it would be good to look into the types of attachements... I know that the avoidant one usually feels trapped in a relationhip (I think).

Ouch, when I looked into it that sounds exactly like me (avoidant attachment). I might as well give this thread a swing since I may be able to relate.

 

1 hour ago, skyefall said:

I do like cuddling, hugging and holding hands.

I would say that’s signs of not being aromantic. I think if you were aromantic, you wouldn’t be breaking up with people because of them trying to get closer to you, you’d welcome it but just not reciprocate any romantic desires. I may be wrong, but I know aromantic people desire deep and meaningful friendships, without romance, but it sounds like you do want a relationship without the deep and meaningful. I’d really recommend looking into what Georgi said. If you ever need/want to talk about that, message me, because I might hold the same attachment style, or some version of it.

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skyefall
1 hour ago, Saphoune said:

Hello Skyefall,

 

You are the only one who can figure out if you would be on the aromantic spectrum. Usually this starts by asking yourself a lot of questions.

 

What would you like in a romantic relationship? Why do you prefer online dating to irl?

Thank u for the reply

 

Romance to me is having a best friend but with romance, like holding hands and cuddling (I dont’t do that with friends), going on dates, etc.

 

I open up faster online and never really open up to anyone irl. I also dont try to get to know people irl. I have autism so it’s difficult for me to approach people and the people I do know, I’m not interested in them. It’s essier to get to know people online.
 

 

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Georgi
1 minute ago, Acerna said:

Ouch, when I looked into it that sounds exactly like me (avoidant attachment). I might as well give this thread a swing since I may be able to relate.

Yeah, I am kind of in the same place, I am caught as well between aromantic/gray-romantic, avoidant attachment and fear of commitment and I think it may be a problem with my attachment style rather then how I experience romantic attraction (or maybe both?). Now I am thinking to read some books on the attachment styles to see if that is the main factor of the way I experience romance or not, I really hope I will find some solutions 😅

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Jokulmey
2 hours ago, skyefall said:

I think I like someone and ask them out but then I end up breaking up with them and hurting their feelings. I know I am a bad person for that.

 

I don't think you are a bad person for entering a relationship with a person and then ending the relationship if your intent isn't to hurt said person. 

 

To me it seems like you might need to express yourself a bit better and let the people you are dating know where you stand and how much you are comfortable with at each given time. Have you ever told the people you are dating that you might either be struggling with commitment issues or be aromantic? If not then I would recommend that you be honest with them about that to lessen the change of them being surprised if/when the relationship ends. They could also in turn be more understanding about your boundaries. 

 

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Saphoune
1 hour ago, skyefall said:

I open up faster online and never really open up to anyone irl. I also dont try to get to know people irl. I have autism so it’s difficult for me to approach people and the people I do know, I’m not interested in them. It’s essier to get to know people online.

I may not be autistic but I can relate with this somehow. It may be related to the fact that I'm on the ace spectrum: I don't like being confronted with sexual tension heads-on.

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skyefall
35 minutes ago, Jokulmey said:

 

I don't think you are a bad person for entering a relationship with a person and then ending the relationship if your intent isn't to hurt said person. 

 

To me it seems like you might need to express yourself a bit better and let the people you are dating know where you stand and how much you are comfortable with at each given time. Have you ever told the people you are dating that you might either be struggling with commitment issues or be aromantic? If not then I would recommend that you be honest with them about that to lessen the change of them being surprised if/when the relationship ends. They could also in turn be more understanding about your boundaries. 

 

Thank you, that means a lot to me. 

 

I never really knew why I did what I did so it was difficult to talk about. I thought I was demisexual/romantic (not sure anymore, because people tell me to stop labeling myself). So I broke up with my ex after 9 days, because I felt trapped and anxious. The reason was me being demisexual, I’m not sure if thats a good reason tho.. but we ended things on bad terms. The other relationship was because she didn’t want to talk to anyone including me and I hadn’t talked to her for a week and she never wanted to call, so I thought this is not what I want and broke up with her. She mentally not okay and I couldn’t help her or be there for her. She’s doing better now is what I know. Someone else confessed to me and I wanted to give them a chance. They were hurt by those words and told me it’s okay if I don’t like them back, because they didn’t want to be in a relationship. That never happened to me, that someone would have a crush and not want to date them but it opened something in me? so I did some research as found out (some) aromantics do that, and also pick who they want to have a “crush” on (like I do. Andddddddd, thats how I came here.

I do have commitment issues I think, but I also thought I might be aromantic. I only told the last person I dated about commitment issues but ended up in a relationship with them and hurting them. Now I talk about how I feel more openly, because I opened up more. 

 

Sorry if my messages are all over the place, I find it difficult to put them (my feelings?) in the right order. 

 

Thank u for ur reply 

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skyefall
27 minutes ago, Saphoune said:

I may not be autistic but I can relate with this somehow. It may be related to the fact that I'm on the ace spectrum: I don't like being confronted with sexual tension heads-on.

(Most) autistic people don’t like being touched (even if it’s just a pat on the shoulder) out of nowhere. I also read that a lot or some of autistics are on the aro/ace spectrum, just like being non binary. As gender is a social construct and some can’t understand it. That’s why I thought I might also be aro/ace. 

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Artemis42

I think it might be good to research romantic attraction, and the feelings involved in it, to see if you can relate to it. I also recommend looking into labels in the aromantic spectrum. Maybe you could be demiromantic, meaning you would need an established emotional bond before romantic feelings could form. Or cupioromantic, which is when a person doesn’t experience romantic attraction but still desires a romantic relationship. Or a romance favourable aromantic. Yeah there are a lot of words lol, but maybe one will suit you.

Hope this helps, I wish you the best

💜

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Saphoune
On 11/22/2020 at 4:30 PM, skyefall said:

Now I talk about how I feel more openly, because I opened up more.

I would do exactly the same. This may seem to hurt the other party but al least it won't put you both into long term toxic situations.

 

Unrequited love/relationship is a struggle for everyone.

 

If I get a "No" I may be tempted respond that I was not serious anyways (not true) to burry the topic. This is a way to cope/deny with the hardship.

If I never want to be confronted with relationship hardships again, then I may say that I don't want a relationship at all in the future.

But is this what would suit me best or just a way to cope? As long as I have this kind of questions about what I really want, I think that it is worth discussing it with other people.

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