Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
karlmark

The Inevitable Marriage Breakup

Recommended Posts

karlmark

It was my wife who realised that I was asexual. I got married twelve years ago; a marriage I was ill-equipped for. 

 

I did not know I was asexual. As other asexuals may know I would really rather read about politics or eat cake than explore my sexuality.

 

I'd always thought that I was missing the big thing. Sex: it's everywhere from selling cars to movies to TV shows, you are expected to conform to society's norms and be interested in sex.

 

Clearly I'm not interested in it at all. Before entering into marriage I had no idea of my sexuality. I figured that by getting married, everything would click and I'd somehow become this normal sex beast who mounts his wife on the kitchen surfaces as you see in the movies. Clearly this is delusional.

 

I have a daughter through this marriage whom I dearly love. For reasons too personal to get into right now, I have financially screwed myself at quite a late stage in life. I need to figure out a way of fixing this.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Traveler40

Welcome. I was left wondering what exactly needs fixing? The marriage? The financial issue or the financial problem via keeping the marriage together?

 

Folks in this sub-forum typically identify more with your wife (the sexual partner) so might be able to give insights that possibly aid in perspective. However, to do that, clearly defining what you seek is necessary. If you’re just venting, that’s alright as well.
 

Either way, welcome to AVEN. I’m sorry it’s rough at the moment. 

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Abigail Rose

As long as you keep your focus on loving your daughter and trying to be fair and honest about your needs and your plans moving forward, there is hope. You weren't very specific about the status of your marriage but, sorry to hear about your situation. You can't control who you are. One thing that my divorce attorney said to me once, was that children thrive best when their parents are happy and doing their best to stay that way. I fully believe that and have seen some truth to that in just the first year since my divorce. Occasionally life takes a turn we didn't expect or want. The only thing you can do is take a breath and move forward with the best knowledge you can use today.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
uhtred

I believe marriage only has value when it makes both people happy.  If  you are incompatible (as it sounds like you are), then it is unlikely you can both be happy together.    Your wife's interest in sex is very unlikely to go away - for most sexual people, its a core part of their being (consider how sexuals have in the past risked imprisonment, torture and death to be with the person of their preferred gender if that didn't match societal ideas).    Its very unlikely you will develop an interest in sex.   

 

Please do not stay in a marriage for your daughter - you are not doing her any favor.  I was a child of unhappy, mismatched parents,and I grew up believing that the loveless thing they had was what marriage "should" be, and it left me with a distorted view of love.    I only realized how distorted it was long after I was committed to a badly matched and often unhappy marriage. 

 

I'd say, never stay for children - they pick up far more than you think, so don't let them think that an unhappy marriage is a happy one. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

Welcome @karlmark!

 

There’s a lot of details that make it hard to know what advice would help you.

 

For example,

 

13 hours ago, karlmark said:

Clearly I'm not interested in it at all. Before entering into marriage I had no idea of my sexuality. I figured that by getting married, everything would click and I'd somehow become this normal sex beast who mounts his wife on the kitchen surfaces as you see in the movies. Clearly this is delusional.

 

Unaddressed is: are you having sex? Are you able to have sex if asked, but won’t initiate? Do you never think about it? Are you often ambivalent about the idea when the topic of sex comes up? Does the idea repel you, you’d rather avoid sex?

 

I say all this because: the stereotype you give isn’t going to be true for all men. The absence doesn’t mean one can’t have or doesn’t want sex — but it does mean one won’t be (and probably can’t become) that *type* of sexual male.

 

As an example: my cismale husband doesn’t have any sexual thoughts or interest in sex (eg porn is pointless and boring, he’s ambivalent about the topic if it comes up). But, he’ll become aroused with physical intimacy (eg cuddling in bed together), and if I indicate sexual desire & touch him in sexual ways, he’ll become interested in sex. We went through a phase of considering it “asexuality” (before, he considered himself bi); now we think it’s best to not worry about the labels & focus on understanding each other.

 

For any situation of sexuality issues and mismatched desires/attractions and needs, there’s some standard things to consider — stuff like open/poly, kinks, understanding oneself and needs, communicating these with each other. Sometimes there’s an irreconcilable difference, but sometimes there’s a way to bridge gaps & find happiness for both partners.

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...