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Lucifer's Favorite Heretic

Where does it end?

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Lucifer's Favorite Heretic

Let me start by recapping where I've been on this road so far.

 

I've questioned the Hell out of my orientation and gender, but at this point my gender seems to be eternally beyond my grasp. Maybe I'm wrong to want a label to affix to myself? Maybe I've been looking in the wrong places the entire time? Perhaps my entire struggle with this question is the result of teauma associated with my masculinity? Where does this end, if it does end? 

 

So many questions left unanswered, and so much frustration remaining.

 

I was born male. I've always been "male" to everyone around me, and that never did change. It may be years of patriarchal societal influence or trauma inflicted by toxic masculinity, but for some reason I just don't feel right simply calling myself male. 

 

There are a great many people in my life who are male, and I see almost immediately that I resemble them very little. Whatever I am, I'm pretty sure it often isn't masculine. Then again I will admit there are times that I am more masculine.

 

Everything comes in waves. The masculinity, the self-loathing, the feeling of faking being something I'm not...it all ebbs and flows like the tides. Gender Identity is an ocean, and it feels like I'm drowning in it. I've watched myself begin to cling to various labels and explanations for who I am, but the waves pull me under each time. I don't care where this goes anymore. All I want is to stand on solid ground again. 

 

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Galactic Turtle

You keep mentioning masculinity so I'll just say that not all men are masculine. Of course, many people take issue with those who aren't.

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Sean-Kat
39 minutes ago, Lucifer's Favorite Heretic said:

Everything comes in waves. The masculinity, the self-loathing, the feeling of faking being something I'm not...it all ebbs and flows like the tides. Gender Identity is an ocean, and it feels like I'm drowning in it. I've watched myself begin to cling to various labels and explanations for who I am, but the waves pull me under each time. I don't care where this goes anymore. All I want is to stand on solid ground again. 

That reminds me of how I felt in high school about my gender, and hadn't come across the "genderfluid" label yet. It got immensely frustrating to sometimes feel cisgender, then transgender, then *nothing*, then starting the cycle again, and it was ridiculously frustrating to not have it be static. Transman? I could deal with that. Cisgender? I could deal with that. Constantly changing and not having a word for my situation: uuuuuugh.

 

I know for me, sometimes I'll shift into genders I don't have a word for. They'll fall outside of the binary, and I'll come up with creative names like "the Loki gender", just so that I have a way to categorize the feeling. I'm not sure how much research you've done into genders; if you're pretty familiar with a lot of the basic trans ones, maybe you're shifting between nonbinary genders that are harder to describe?

 

Based on what you described, you sound like a demiboy to me, though. Adhering to some masculine traits but not necessarily the entire male gender. https://gender.wikia.org/wiki/Demiguy

Or genderflux, which... as I look up a definition for is a lot more vague than I remembered it being, lol. If your gender feels like it's changing, then I suggest looking into fluctuating gender identities, and see if any vibe with you. :)

 

Wishing you the best of luck. ❤️ 

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Lucifer's Favorite Heretic

It's kind of like i have two end points, namely male and nothing. I'm somewhere between completely male and completely nothing, but it shots close to either pole for a while before reversing course. I've never felt "female". Genderflux is probably the most accurate label.

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Artemis42

I agree with what 

@Galactic Turtle

said.

No matter what label you decide to use, remember that looking/acting masculine is not the be all and end all of being a man. Some men enjoy wearing dresses and having full faces of makeup, but they’re still men, because they feel like men. No one can stop you from determining what being a man means for you personally.

That said, if you think another label fits you better, you have every right to use it.

Hopefully this made sense 

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