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GingerRose

Feeling Guilty **(sexual content)**

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GingerRose

I know the "normal" sexual actions that partners do to pleasure each other. Oral sex, hand stimulation, toys, intercourse. I know that these are just preferences to how people are pleasured sexually. But I can't help feeling guilty for not wanting to try some of these. I don't know if I am asexual yet. I know that though I've never tried oral sex, it disgusts me to think about. Then the other actions listed above I feel like I may want to try or be open to. I can't tell if I want to try these actions because I feel guilty for feeling this withdrawn feeling with sexual attraction or I actually want to try them. As much as I know about diversity of attraction I still feel guilty for not being attracted to the "norm" or the "expected" sexual behaviors.

 

This has come up because more recently because I joined a dating app and a lot of the questions on there seem "sex obsessed". I'm skipping all the sex related questions because I've never had sex and I don't know what I would enjoy and what I wouldn't (yet?). I am in the awkward middle ground of being a "virgin", questioning my sexuality, yet not sure if I am asexual. Most people I come across have either had sex, know they're asexual or have had sex and know they're not.

 

It seems like so many people have had some sort of sexual experience with someone else at my age and I've in the dust, having only masturbated, watched porn and fantasized. And why is this experience deemed "an only" is this kind of experience any less than something done with a partner? I'm still figuring myself out, just not with someone else. And thus because of all of this guilty questioning my stress level has shot up...

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PanFicto.
54 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

But I can't help feeling guilty for not wanting to try some of these.

Why though? Most people have stuff they don't want to try, that's perfectly natural! Don't ever let someone try to guilt trip you into doing things you don't want to do by the way, that could be very, very harmful for you long term. But yeah if you flat-out don't want to try to do oral, as one example, don't do it. It's best to be as honest as possible in a dating profile, so I'd say "I'm still questioning my sexuality and there's a lot of sexual things I don't want to try, however I'm looking for someone who wants to build a friendship that may eventually lead into a relationship. I just can't guarantee if sex will be a big part of that relationship or if sex will happen at all" ..if you say something like that, then that should help you to not get messages from highly sexual people looking for a hookup :) But yeah, you don't need to feel guilty!

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GingerRose
1 hour ago, PanFicto. said:

Why though? Most people have stuff they don't want to try,

I simply don't know but perhaps that I am taught and taught again through different medias that this is what the norm is, and if I don't want to be a part of the norm, am doing something wrong. As if I don't practice what I preach. I tell people all the time that just because someone doesn't have sexual attraction, doesn't make them broken, and yet that's how I feel.

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GingerRose
1 hour ago, PanFicto. said:

guilt trip

I'm really just doing this to myself, as I haven't share my questioning to anyone yet.

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GingerRose
1 hour ago, PanFicto. said:

I just can't guarantee if sex will be a big part of that relationship or if sex will happen at all" ..if you say something like that, then that should help you to not get messages from highly sexual people looking for a hookup :) But yeah, you don't need to feel guilty

Thank you for this.

I have put in my profile about how I am not sexually experienced and how I am still questioning, but do you suppose it would help to be more specific? I am not sure.

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Serran

I wouldn't go more specific... just tell more if you find someone you like. 

 

As for being outside the "norm", oh well. I dont like oral. I find PiV painful / boring. I only do hands and toys. My wife and I are totally OK with this. The norm isn't for everyone. 

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Moonman

Is there any "norm"?

 

I get the idea that even sexually active people are such in different ways, with different interests, different kinks, different preferences. You'll always find people that aren't into what you're into, right? 

 

I don't believe these kind of incompatabilities are asexual-specific so I don't think you need to feel guilty. Sexual people are going to meet sexual people on dating sites and find out they aren't right for one another in a myriad of different ways, including the dynamic in the bedroom. It happens.

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Lucifer's Favorite Heretic

@GingerRose

You are right about so many of the points you made. So many of the different things people do are matters of preference, and that's a hard thing to comprehend if you're inexperienced and turned off by some of them. I know in my case that there are a lot of things I do for the other person that I very adamantly don't want to be reciprocated. It's scary to think about all this stuff, and it's hard to learn more without actually experimenting. 

 

If you want to talk about any of this in private then my DMs are open. I know I've been fortunate to have good people to help me figure out the bits I do understand. Stress is awful, and nobody needs more right now. 

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GingerRose
4 hours ago, Lucifer's Favorite Heretic said:

@GingerRose

You are right about so many of the points you made. So many of the different things people do are matters of preference, and that's a hard thing to comprehend if you're inexperienced and turned off by some of them. I know in my case that there are a lot of things I do for the other person that I very adamantly don't want to be reciprocated. It's scary to think about all this stuff, and it's hard to learn more without actually experimenting. 

 

If you want to talk about any of this in private then my DMs are open. I know I've been fortunate to have good people to help me figure out the bits I do understand. Stress is awful, and nobody needs more right now. 

Thanks for your help!

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