I'm getting to that age where I feel left behind because of my sexuality.

[bunbunlulu]

Reader beware, you're in for a self pitying monologue! But I really need some advice from older (30+) aro/ace people!

 

I turn 30 in March. It's a big birthday, and one that is made harder by the fact that I am a woman (and despite everything I still feel the crushing patriarchal societal pressure to stay young looking, and get married soon and have kids), the fact that we are living through a pandemic, and the problem that I am the only one of my friends and siblings to not be either married or with a long term partner. I feel like everyone is growing up and because of my aromantic asexualtiy I just.... can't. I'm stuck in static state. 

 

I have lots of hobbies, and a good job that I enjoy but I can't fight the feeling that I am being left behind.

 

It's hard to make new friends at 30, despite living in a major American city (especially now with Covid-19), and not to sound overly dramatic, but I do fear being alone forever. I have a great relationship with my brother and sister-in-law and with my parents, but I know they worry about me being lonely. Hell, my friends, my boss, my coworkers, even people I meet at work events ask me the endlessly frustrating array of: "When are you gonna settle down?", "So, marriage?", "How is a pretty girl like you still single?", "So who are you dating?", "You need a boyfriend!" 

 

(I think most of us here have suffered the "well meaning" questioning gauntlet of friends/family/coworkers/strangers.)

 

I'm not lonely, but fear I will be in the future because it's so difficult to find other aro/ace people and I can't do a relationship with an allo person due to sex repulsion (I don't know why I'm sex repulsed, but holy crap I wish I wasn't!) . I love my allo friends and am always happy to make more, but I've accidentally burned a couple of good, close relationships because I can't reciprocate the other person's romantic/sexual feelings, or the other person would move on to a boyfriend/girlfriend/marriage/babies situation and I was only a 'best friend' (I was a jealous third wheel, honestly). Platonic relationships are, in American society, hierarchically a less important relationship than that of a romantic/sexual partner (they shouldn't be but they are). I know I sound selfish, jealous and self centered, but I want to be somebody's #1. Don't we all want that in some way shape or form? I want that kind of relationship I see my friends and their partners having, the kind of relationship I see between my brother and sister-in-law, or between my parents who have been married for 38 years - the kind of relationship where they are each other's singular special person. But for me, I know that even with the most understanding allo partner, this wouldn't work because romance and sex would always come up and I just can't do those things. (And would inevitably be left for someone else.) I would do absolutely anything to not be aro/ace, but it's not something I can change.

 

So my question is for all you other 30+ aro/ace people out there - How do you handle getting older alone and watching everyone you know do the 'traditional' monogamous, settle down thing, knowing that your chance of finding a partner to do the same thing with is extremely low? 

[Memento1]

It helps when you get old enough that your friends that got married/settled down start getting divorced or talking to you about how trapped and unhappy they are.  Marriage and traditional relationships aren't happily ever after, so dispelling that myth put things in perspective.

 

I also realized the biggest thing holding me back from finding a partner was me.  My options are more limited, yes, but to see it in a different way, I know what I'm looking for.  It's like trying to find a specific, rare toy at a store.  Blindly browsing and hoping to stumble upon it is hopeless.  Telling a salesperson exactly what I want and posting ads with the exact brand and toy I'm looking for make me much more likely to find it.  To get out of the metaphor, I state on dating profiles exactly what I'm looking for and what I'm uncomfortable with.  People who are not okay with that will weed themselves out, making less work for me.  An added benefit is that confidence is appealing: people like partners who know what they're looking for and aren't afraid to state it.  I'll for sure never find someone if I sit at home feeling sorry for myself and dwelling on worst case scenarios, which is what I did for almost 20 years.  I still have those thoughts sometimes, but I catch myself and have techniques to stop dwelling on them (check out CBT).

 

I also stopped looking for one person to be my everything.  I looked for other people who valued platonic friendships as much as me, or were more open to untraditional relationships.  I put a lot more investment into those relationships and those friendships, surrounding myself with people who provide that sense of belonging and acceptance.  Some of my closest friends are out of my age bracket, because those in my age bracket were still chasing the dream of one all-consuming relationship.  The happiest people I know have many deep friendships, whether or not they have a partner.

 

I'm sure all of this sounds like patronizing nonsense.  I will say this: I think part of it is just growing older.  In my thirties I naturally put less stock in societal pressure, without trying to.  Maybe there's no shortcut to get there.  I'm happier now than I was at 20, or 25, or 30, and I can't say much has changed about my situation; just my mindset.  Whether you can force that mindset change, I doubt it, but I feel it was more a series of small steps than a giant insight.  Enjoy the journey

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to Older Asexuals

 

Janus DarkFox

Cover Welcome Lounge, Current Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[Skycaptain]

@bunbunlulu, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

[VanishingLady]

Pairing up isn't the end-all, be-all - just because people are getting married now and have partners (long-term or not) now doesn't mean they'll stay together forever. As for what to say to the "well-meaning" questions, tell them a form of the truth that doesn't feel invasive to you and doesn't invite further discussion. Put up that boundary - and they should leave you alone. Once you have your answer and stick to it, people go away after a time. If people try to push that boundary ("But whyyyyyyY?"), enforce it. This is not up for discussion. It's really none of their business. As for your parents and brother seeming "worried", it's just that they're invested in the Lifescript; you don't have to be. You're not being left behind by anyone, your needs are out of step with the majority, and that's not your fault nor bad. 

 

I'm not the partnering kind nor am I interested so I don't have any advice about finding one.

 

 

[Let Them Beet Cake]

I actually enjoy living alone.  I have plenty of family and friends around to do things with but I like having my own space and quiet when I want it.  Being aromantic I never wanted or had a partner and I don't think my life has been less fulfilled because of it.  Singlehood suits me to a T!

[KayleeK]

I'm in my 30s so I understand the pressure and expectations some people have. I think its best to do what feels right for you. I dont want children so i'm not just going to have them so that i appear more normal. I like the idea of marriage and finding that "soul mate" - but i have accepted to some extent that I may never find that perfect person that i'm compatible with for many reasons - i dont want sex, i find it hard to be social with people, i have anxiety/depression .... Also I am so used to living alone I'm very set in my ways and hate staying with other people who disrupt my ways😛   And also the fact I've never met anyone i felt that strongly about or liked enough to want to live with. So yeah, very unlikely its going to happen- and I'm not someone who is happy to 'settle' with anyone. 

Also at least half of the women I know have had terrible relationships where their husband abused them or cheated. So getting a partner is no guarantee of happiness. That fairytale idea of getting married is sometimes not the same in reality.

I dont really have any close friends so i do feel lonely sometimes. I have a cat now and I really love being with her and she takes away the loneliness. I always wished for a best friend - like a soul mate, not a sexual relationship, but like you say, we would be eachothers number 1s 😁 I dont know how to find that though. Most friends i've had in the past really didnt value our friendship enough and just let me down. But I get scared to try a dating site kinda thing because I think those people want a different kind of relationship to what i want. So i thinks its less hassle just to be alone - with my cat 😻 You can still have a good life, it doesnt make you less of a person somehow or unfulfilled. 

[Nedge]

Oh man, I'm right there with you. I'm 30F aro/ace. It's a weird feeling to realize that the number of single friends I have is dwindling. So far in my social circle people getting married hasn't really affected anything, but I'm sure that once kids start happening things will really change...

 

I've never been in a relationship and I still don't have any interest, but seeing everyone else pair up has me questioning what the future holds. Personally the current plan is to just take it one day at a time, enjoy my time with my friends for as long as they let me... and see how far we get. 

 

I definitely don't have an answer for you, but I guess I just want to let you know that you're definitely not alone in navigating this weird "I'm in my 30s and my life trajectory doesn't appear to be following everyone else's" thing.

 

 

[Guest]

I feel for you, tho I don't think I can be much help except to empathise deeply.  (Yes, there's something about Memento1's point, but at 50 - having only just sussed out I'm asexual - I've reached the point they are all happily re-marrying whilst I still haven't had the opportunity at a first attempt - ouch!)  I totally understand everything you say about wanting the relationship (life) you see everyone around you having and taking for granted.  The up side is you can now look in the right direction, potentially find that life and live it for a pretty decent duration - I truly hope you do find a soulmate to share life with and it doesn't take too long - I know it's not easy; much harder for us; but I'm sending you positive vibes. 

Big virtual hug.

 

I will just say on the friends front, that they are truly & hugely important, and as people get older, their children less dependent, they do start coming out of the woodwork again and appreciate having someone to meet up with away from the family.  I'm lucky also that one friend actually involved me in her children from the outset, she didn't decide she hadn't got headspace for me - she made me godmother to all of them, whilst godfather was a friend of daddy - they didn't ask a couple!  And nor do they make any demands on me in that role - it's just their way of keeping me in the fold.  Those are REAL friends!!  (I have consciously adopted a role as ready babysitter so they, as a couple, get some adult time and space to talk etc whenever they need it; and as the children get older I hope they see me as a safe person to moan about mum and dad to, LOL!). 

I hope that you are being kept in the fold amongst your family & friends, but if not, perhaps find a way to show that you would like that?  If you would, that is.  More hugs.

[Sylvestra]

It is hard.

 

However, there are a lot of lonely people just waiting for someone to reach out in friendship. 

[Dianthus]

I'm 32 year-old woman, and I understand where you're coming from. I've watched friends and family members partner up for years, and it always feels like some kind of foreign ritual that I am incapable of performing. It seems so easy for them. A male friend of mine has a new girlfriend--who he met during the pandemic! How?!  
I will say that I'm lucky to have a few single female friends who also feel similar alienation from the dating world, though none of them are ace. Rooting for their success makes me feel less sad about my own inability to form romantic relationships. 
I'm someone who absolutely does not want children, so when I see a friend or family member announce that they're having a child I think "Glad I'm not them" and it makes me feel better. Obviously I'd never actually say that to their face, but again thinking it is weirdly comforting. I also know several couples who don't have or want children, they're fun! 
So I guess I deal with growing older alone by making sure that I'm not alone, not all the time anyway. I remind myself that I have a lifetime to find a partner, regardless of social conditioning telling me that I become less romantically valuable as I age.  Part of me wants to know what major city you're from. I'd love to be your friend

 

[coolandcute]

Hi.  I can relate.  I am 38 and still single but not available.  (It's complicated.)  I tried to make friends but finally gave up years ago.  I wish I could do nice things with my special someone but the Pandemic got in the way.  I discuss issues of loneliness and romance in my first book of poems, available on Amazon as an e-book for now.