Trans kids in school

[weird elf]

I need some input, please.

 

I work as a teacher. We have a couple LGBTQ+ kids in my school but no "official" support systems for them; we know the Ts (as in, we usually know who the actively transitioning kids are), the other letters have only recently started to become a bit more visible, mainly in grades 8 and up. (As in, there's the odd button or wristband, and an increasing number of little sharpie rainbow flags drawn on mask corners.)

 

Now, there's one T kiddo whose parents aren't supportive.

Their class teacher knows. I think everyone outside their class would be surprised to learn their given name, as the kid passes as their real gender 100%.

BUT.

I'm not sure whether they're technically "out". Everyone in their class knows they're trans, but as their parents are unsupportive the poor kid is trying to go along with it, still being called their given name and such and claiming it's all right. They do wear their real gender's clothes and hairdo and everything, but I know they're not on hormone blockers (bummer as they're about to enter puberty), nor do I think they've got any kind of professional support. (I also know their class teacher is working on it, talking to the parents and trying to get them informed enough to realize what they're doing to their child. But with this ruddy pandemic situation going on I don't think much headway is being made.)

 

Thing is ... it feels so freaking wrong calling them by their given name. I feel like I'm being forced to misgender them. And here's where I need help.

 

How do I deal with that? Is there any way to support them? Is it weird to ask them for their preferred name? Is there anything at all we can do until either their parents get a freaking grip or they turn 18?

[Oberon Jasper]

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for their preferred name. I think they would appreciate it and it could help them feel better about themself. Maybe do it over a school email rather than in person. I find most people are more confident over writing than in person. So if you have the option to do it that way I would recommend doing that.

[SmaugtheDragon]

First, thank you for being supportive of trans children.  A lot of teachers are not supportive of children that are trans, so I wanted to thank you for your support. Secondly, I would probably have a private conversation with the child, and ask for their preferred name and pronouns, then ask them what name and pronouns that should be used in front of the parents. That way the kid knows that you are supporting them for who they are, you are just being careful not to force them to come out as trans to their unsupportive parents, if that makes sense. I think that it is really important to respect people's preferred name and pronouns, but to also make sure that you aren't exposing the child to a dangerous situation considering that they are completely dependent on their parents until they can get a job and move out etc.  

 

As far as dealing with having to misgender them, it is really hard to feel like you are misgendering them on purpose. I would just try to keep in mind that you are keeping this child safe, and that the child knows that you respect them for who they really are.  

 

I would say that you could try to talk to a school counselor and see if they would be willing to connect with the child and offer them the emotional support that they need during this time, or reach out yourself and see if they want to talk about it.  Having unsupportive parents is a really emotionally challenging situation, so letting the child know that someone is there for them and that someone cares about them could be really helpful.   Beyond that though, I don't think that there is anything you can do because if the parents are just being generally unsupportive and not harming the child in any way, there isn't really anything that can be done to remove the child from the situation.

 

Sorry, this response got really long, but I hope that something in there is a little helpful maybe.

[Guest]

I would just ask the child what they prefer you call them. If it is their given name, then respect it. Make sure they know you are supportive and will switch if they change their mind. But, we have to also respect when people still need to be in the closet for safety. 

[Skycaptain]

I don't wish to sound negative here, but realistic. Is there a professional body, union etc that you can consult? Because of the potential ramifications I'd suggest getting proper documented advice, rather than suggestions from the Internet. It would give you protection should someone get legals involved 

[weird elf]

1 hour ago, Kieran said:

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for their preferred name. I think they would appreciate it and it could help them feel better about themself. Maybe do it over a school email rather than in person. I find most people are more confident over writing than in person. So if you have the option to do it that way I would recommend doing that.

I don't have that option yet, unfortunately. We're still working on installing school email for everyone.

 

 

11 minutes ago, Skycaptain said:

I don't wish to sound negative here, but realistic. Is there a professional body, union etc that you can consult? Because of the potential ramifications I'd suggest getting proper documented advice, rather than suggestions from the Internet. It would give you protection should someone get legals involved 

The kid's class teacher is working the "official" front, and I'm pretty sure one of our social support folks (social worker / counselor) is involved as well. I don't even teach that kid's class, I just ... I don't know. I saw them in the schoolyard today and had to address them because of something and using their given name felt so wrong, I thought I'd get some opinions on options.

 

Thenks for your help, everyone! I might have another talk with the class teacher, find out how the official way is going. And maybe the way to go is another one entirely (finally set up that LGBTQ+ group, even though we'd only be able to meet online for a while yet).

[LeChat]

4 hours ago, Serran said:

...But, we have to also respect when people still need to be in the closet for safety... 

Yeah. This situation sounds as though it could be tricky, since, apparently, the kid's parents aren't supportive of their kids being trans. For example, wouldn't there be a risk (for the student, especially, at home) that, eventually, one teacher might accidently slip-up and refer to the kid as their preferred name, when talking about them to their parents, forgetting that they're not supportive?

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, LeChat said:

Yeah. This situation sounds as though it could be tricky, since, apparently, the kid's parents aren't supportive of their kids being trans. For example, wouldn't there be a risk (for the student, especially, at home) that, eventually, one teacher might accidently slip-up and refer to the kid as their preferred name, when talking about them to their parents, forgetting that they're not supportive?

Even just talking to the wrong teacher about it too. Teachers can be cruel if not supportive. So can classmates. I work in education and where I am, I feel bad for any LGBT student tbh. 

 

My wife is trans and she has me use her given name and gender except in private/ online. It is deadnaming and misgendering - but it is for her protection and her choice. She knows that I would use her real name / gender if we were allowed by society. 

[LeChat]

@Serran Good points. That's really sad that some teachers can be cruel, and also frustrating that some LGBT+ people still have to hide who they are, in public, for their own safety, but, unfortunately, it's still necessary, due to others who might be cruel, unsupportive, harassers/bullies, etc.

 

@weird elf I totally understand that you'd like to be supportive toward the student, by calling them by their preferred name, pronouns, etc., and that's great; I'm just worried for the student because it feels like there could be so many things/scenarios that could, accidently, or intentionally, out the student toward their parents, if a teacher or student accidently called the trans student by their preferred name, when the parents are present at school, to pick up their kid, or at parent/teacher meetings about their kid, etc. (which could, possibly, cause more trouble or harm for them at home, parents arguing with them about trans issues, etc.)

[anisotrophic]

Full agree with @Skycaptain

 

but also a random thought — there’s also initials and surnames (if someone is ok with it)

[weird elf]

Ok, I see I wasn't clear enough earlier.

 

The kid is out to their parents. Very much so, and has been for years. The parents are unsupportive (as in, in complete denial about the fact that their kid is not their gender assigned at birth - they'd rather have a queer-presenting, unhappy cis kid than a happy trans one), but they are fully aware of what's going on.

 

 

  

8 hours ago, LeChat said:

Yeah. This situation sounds as though it could be tricky, since, apparently, the kid's parents aren't supportive of their kids being trans. For example, wouldn't there be a risk (for the student, especially, at home) that, eventually, one teacher might accidently slip-up and refer to the kid as their preferred name, when talking about them to their parents, forgetting that they're not supportive?

It's not about all the teachers switching to the preferred name, just options for the one(s) who feel seriously uncomfortable using the kid's given name, knowing what it's doing to them.

 

 

8 hours ago, Serran said:

Even just talking to the wrong teacher about it too. Teachers can be cruel if not supportive. So can classmates. I work in education and where I am, I feel bad for any LGBT student tbh.

The kid in question is very much out to their own class at least, and presents as fully transitioned to everyone else. Nobody would guess they weren't their real gender, just from looking at them. 

 

 

7 hours ago, LeChat said:

@Serran Good points. That's really sad that some teachers can be cruel, and also frustrating that some LGBT+ people still have to hide who they are, in public, for their own safety, but, unfortunately, it's still necessary, due to others who might be cruel, unsupportive, harassers/bullies, etc.

 

@weird elf I totally understand that you'd like to be supportive toward the student, by calling them by their preferred name, pronouns, etc., and that's great; I'm just worried for the student because it feels like there could be so many things/scenarios that could, accidently, or intentionally, out the student toward their parents, if a teacher or student accidently called the trans student by their preferred name, when the parents are present at school, to pick up their kid, or at parent/teacher meetings about their kid, etc. (which could, possibly, cause more trouble or harm for them at home, parents arguing with them about trans issues, etc.)

 

The trouble at home is already happening.

The official route is being taken, people who are more involved than me (who only sees the kid during break or at the bus stop after school) are working with the parents and trying to get them to see sense. My question is exclusively about how to show support to a kid who has been pushed back so much they're pretending to be okay with being deadnamed when anyone can see they're not.

[Emery.]

54 minutes ago, weird elf said:

My question is exclusively about how to show support to a kid who has been pushed back so much they're pretending to be okay with being deadnamed when anyone can see they're not.

Ask them how they want to be called and tell them you’re there if they want to discuss it any time in the future and that you’re supportive. 

[Guest]

 

 

7 hours ago, weird elf said:

The kid in question is very much out to their own class at least, and presents as fully transitioned to everyone else. Nobody would guess they weren't their real gender, just from looking at them. 

 

 

Kids often view their own class kinda like family. Just be cautious who you use the real name (if it is given) or discuss the issue with outside of their circle they are comfortable telling. 

 

I work in education and once a kid chooses to trust you with secrets, unless it is something you're mandated to report, it is better to maintain that trust than anything. Even just having someone in their corner secretly is a huge thing for many kids. 

 

Our community just had a trans student commit suicide at middle school age, due to bullying and unsupportive adults at school. So, I commend your school staff for at least trying to help. But, the kid is unlikely to fully embrace themselves til out of the parents house if they arent OK with it. Just from self preservation if nothing else. 

[weird elf]

So I went a completely different route and talked to the class teacher again. I told them about the schoolyard encounter and how it felt so wrong calling that kid by their birth name ... class teacher said their agreement with the kid was that the kid would tell them if there was a different name they want us to use. They are also of the opinion that it's enough for the kid to know that we accept them the way they are.

Class teacher also said there are some characteristics of both genders in the kid.

Class teacher also said the kid recently told them about getting $transSpecificProsthetic and being extremely excited about it, and the kid expressed unhappiness with their physical configuration and the changes expected in puberty.

 

Bottom line: Class teacher is going to talk to the kid again, to find out how things are going at home (I mean, this kid is middle school age, they can't get their hands on the thing they bought without an adult's knowledge, which makes me think that maybe there are older siblings or other relatives who know and support them), how they're really doing and whether or not there is anything else we can do for them at the moment.