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Uncertain about my future as an aro/ace person


fiji_water

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I'm currently a university student and I'll be graduating in a few years. I feel more uncertain the closer I get to graduating, I know that it's still a few years away but it's still been on my mind recently. As an asexual and aromantic person I feel like I have no "ending" for myself, if that makes any sense. I feel like the only life goal/life path that's been presented to me as an option is marriage or partnership and I don't really want either of those things. I have a plan for myself and my career and everything, but I still feel like I'm heading into completely unknown territory because their is no path laid out for someone like me. Of course I have friends who I can rely on, but as they graduate a lot of them will end up finding partners and settling down, and of course we all know that people put platonic relationships aside for romantic ones so I will probably be left alone. I don't think my future is bleak, but it feels like I'm heading into a dark tunnel and I don't really know what a happy ending could look like an aro/ace person.

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As someone who is well past the college stage, there is much to look forward to! Even if your friends are going in a different direction, you can still maintain close relationships. You can see what they're going through, and maybe feel more assured that it's not what you personally want to do. Some people who have families still want to have separate friendships to help keep them balanced. You may also find friends who don't want marriage and/or kids. There are a lot of people out there who have taken a different path; if you get to know them, you can get a clearer picture of your own path. 

 

Because I don't want marriage or kids, my adult life has instead been about living by my values and forming community around it. I live in an urban setting in a high-density neighbourhood, without a car and with most of what I do within walking distance. I have a dog and take my dog to the park to play with other dogs where I can also talk to people. I don't need a partner at my side in life. I have several people I'm close to, and whole communities of people to have fun with. My everyday social group has changed over the years as more old friends had their families or moved away, but that didn't stop me from making my life work. 

 

It's an intimidating change for anyone, to move from the role of a student to the role of an "adult". You'll need to make more independent decisions. You might not make the right ones. That's not unique to your aro ace aspect; your friends will also make mistakes and face challenges to their romantic or sexual lives. Your 20s are about finding what works for you, and you'll get through them. You don't need to know where you're going now. You'll have many options. 

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1 hour ago, Snaovember Rain said:

As someone who is well past the college stage, there is much to look forward to! Even if your friends are going in a different direction, you can still maintain close relationships. You can see what they're going through, and maybe feel more assured that it's not what you personally want to do. Some people who have families still want to have separate friendships to help keep them balanced. You may also find friends who don't want marriage and/or kids. There are a lot of people out there who have taken a different path; if you get to know them, you can get a clearer picture of your own path. 

 

Because I don't want marriage or kids, my adult life has instead been about living by my values and forming community around it. I live in an urban setting in a high-density neighbourhood, without a car and with most of what I do within walking distance. I have a dog and take my dog to the park to play with other dogs where I can also talk to people. I don't need a partner at my side in life. I have several people I'm close to, and whole communities of people to have fun with. My everyday social group has changed over the years as more old friends had their families or moved away, but that didn't stop me from making my life work. 

 

It's an intimidating change for anyone, to move from the role of a student to the role of an "adult". You'll need to make more independent decisions. You might not make the right ones. That's not unique to your aro ace aspect; your friends will also make mistakes and face challenges to their romantic or sexual lives. Your 20s are about finding what works for you, and you'll get through them. You don't need to know where you're going now. You'll have many options. 

Wow. Thank you so much for this.

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maybeimamazed

I was (and still am somewhat) in the same boat a couple years ago. I had lived my whole life in the same town and then had to move for work.  I was terrified. Up until then I had my family to rely on and I kept in touch with some of my college friends. Though some were married, they didn't yet have kids and still hang out.

 

The first year was hell, I felt so alone and isolated. Then I joined a writing group and met cool people. I even joined Tinder and made friends through there as well. Yes, it's possible! As long as you make it clear from the start that you are looking for friendships.

 

So my advice is first of all don't despair. It's hard being on your own at first. Then try to find groups and clubs that you might enjoy. And learn how to be by yourself too. Pick up a book, go watch a movie. You don't always need someone by your side.

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I can relate.

 

I remember when I graduated high school, thinking about how my life would 'start' in the sense that I would one day soon have my own place, maybe a nice car, and a girlfriend to spend time with. I was genuinely excited for that. But it never happened that way.

 

Since discovering I'm asexual and leaning towards aromantic, it took me a while to reassess what I wanted out of life and what my goals were. So much emphasis, whether direct or implied, is placed on settling down and having kids, I felt lost not having that as a goal. Sometimes I think I still am, but at least now I can freely focus on the things I'm passionate about without feeling like I should be focused on what society considers more important. My small group of friends are all settling down, getting married, and having kids, and sometimes I feel they look at me and think, "What are you waiting for? You're getting left behind."

 

Some days I'll have a fleeting moment of feeling like I'm missing out, but not too often. I've always been an independent person, so at the end of the day, it's more of just getting past society's perception that being alone is wrong. It isn't. I'd argue that more people should spend some time alone, because I believe it gives you a better sense of self, and that's something everyone could use.

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Can relate. I'm asexual and I live in a country where there's little to no awareness about asexuality. 
I feel lost because I feel like I DO want someone to share my life with in the future (tbh I still don't know if I want a partner or not, but I feel like I do). But the most I want to do with that said partner is probably spend time and cuddle. A lot. The point is, I want a partner who's okay with me not being into sex or romantic activities. I don't know if these kind of people exist around here haha. Oh and as a bonus I'd rather find someone who shares my religion with me, but that's probably asking for something impossible haha.

 

Every time I think of my future I could find some fun things and projects to do, but I don't really find me being with a partner something that's possible, and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Well... your path could be truly revolutionary like potentially how Nikola Tesla, who's inventions are still pretty amazing to this day, over 100 years later.

Working on a happy ending.... strive to do the things that you enjoy? and maybe try surrounding yourself with people who are accepting of you and keep you in their life and stuff? o 3o

Great quality friends combined with pursuing your interests sounds like a great life!! 8D

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Figuring out Asexuality

Hey, I'm sorry you have to feel this way but I understand because I feel the same way. I graduated recently and I know this topic is always on everyone's mind. I have a long way of figuring things out, and I know it changes things but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  Do your best and do what you know is best for you. 

Sending good vibes and hugs your way. Treat yourself with care, always! 

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Society, at least in my experience, is so centred around monogamous romance that anything else seems like breaking some rule. I’ve had this idea that I will get married one day ever since I was a kid, and the idea that maybe I never will is odd. It feels a bit like missing the main goal in life to realise that you don’t want what other people want or have. I can’t really help, but I get it, and I am sure that things will get clearer. I worry about similar things, but lots of people have very long committed friendships. I feel like culture is moving away from the whole ‘your partner is your life’ thing anyway. 

On 12/10/2020 at 11:46 AM, Figuring out Asexuality said:

Sending good vibes

Also sending good vibes!

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Getting married is often presented to us as the ultimate "happy ending" - think Disney movies, romantic comedies etc... But I dont think this is true at all. Yes i think it sounds nice to find a person you truly love to share your life with, but often life doesnt turn out that way and thats reality. 50% of marriages end in divorce. People marry the wrong person, or they suffer abuse from a partner. Or maybe their partner dies so they end up alone anyway! There are many things you can do in life to find fulfillment and meaning - marriage and having kids might be great for some, but it certainly isnt the only goal in life. And there really is no magical happy ending. I mean all our endings will me the same - death (sorry for being morbid!) Its what you do with your life before then that matters.

 

There have been many famous people who achieved great things in life - but never married/had a partner. The most famous I think might be Queen Elizabeth 1. If you dont know much about history you should read about her. She is considered one of England's greatest monarchs and its pretty incredible she ruled alone as a woman during a time when women were considered inferior to men. Another single lady I love is Jane Austen - one if the most well know authors.  There are also plenty of people who were married and achieved great things, but their great achievement was not being married, we remember them for the great things they did, i'm thinking someone like Shakespeare for example. He is remembered for all the plays he wrote, no one remembers him for being married. 

So make your "happy ending" about yourself and what you want to do with your life, not what someone else says your life should be.

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Also, to add to me previous reply, if you're worried about feeling alone, then remember there are other forms of love and companionship besides a romantic/marriage partner. I have never been in love with someone in the romantic sense. But i've still experienced love. Before my grandma passed away i loved her alot and we were best friends. Now i have a cat who is like my baby and i am so in love with her 😻 There are other examples  like close friendships, a non sexual relationship partner, adopting/fostering children or animals. Or you can do things like spend time helping people in need - this can be meaningful, a way of showing love, and helping yourself and others feel less alone eg. Volunteering to help homeless people, or visiting/assisting elderley people or those with a disability... 

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  • 1 month later...

I feel the same way, so text me if all your friends get married and we can hang out 😉 I wanna be a physician’s assistant, so without kids I’ll be making enough money to do nearly anything I want to. We could get sushi together 🙃😂 

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I relate to all of these so... deeply... I have been thinking about these things a lot lately since my time as a high school student is almost over. I know what I'm going to study in university, and I know what career I want, however besides that I feel like there's not much there to look forward to. Some of your replies have been really helpful though too, sometimes it's amazing to be reminded of all the other things there are beyond romantic and sexual relationships.

 

Also, if you are feeling lonely or if you want to PM me and talk about stuff then go ahead.

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