Any advice for not panicking when trying to figure out “dating” game?

[Shanzy]

Question: Even though I am not sexually or romantically attracted to others, why do I panic if someone online shows an interest in me, asks to swap numbers, or asks if I want to hang out just the 2 of us?  And it’s not like blush and get all shy panic, but like find any excuse to shut that down panic.  Anyone ever experience that... it’s like self-sabotage or something.  Why do I do this?  I don’t want to be alone my whole life, but yet I cannot seem to figure out how to play this “dating” game either.  I took a huge step and put myself on dating sites - third time is the charm hopefully... and yet, I seem to see the pattern starting again.  I am okay talking on the site - by types messages, but any suggestions to talk on the phone or meet up and I want to run away/hide.  I feel like I am going to have to have to explain myself and that I won’t be any good at engaging in this sort of interaction.  Any advice?  

[Just _ J]

I think its a matter of taking things slow, maybe?

 

When I was on dating sites it took me a long time to go from messaging to actually meeting and anytime I pushed myself to go quicker I was always so uncomfortable, plus the more you message the less likely it is you'll end up on a date with a horrible person.

 

Maybe keep messaging until you feel ready for the next step and if they have a problem with that they aren't right for you anyway!

 

Also I would say don't look at it like a game but rather just making a new friend and if things go well then they go well, try not to pressure yourself or rush anything, I always used to say id rather wait till I'm elderly to be with a person I love and care about than spend my life in an unhappy or unsatisfying relationship just because I felt like I had to be with someone.

 

I don't know if that helps at all but I hope it does  

[Shanzy]

11 hours ago, Just _ J said:

I think its a matter of taking things slow, maybe?

 

When I was on dating sites it took me a long time to go from messaging to actually meeting and anytime I pushed myself to go quicker I was always so uncomfortable, plus the more you message the less likely it is you'll end up on a date with a horrible person.

 

Maybe keep messaging until you feel ready for the next step and if they have a problem with that they aren't right for you anyway!

 

Also I would say don't look at it like a game but rather just making a new friend and if things go well then they go well, try not to pressure yourself or rush anything, I always used to say id rather wait till I'm elderly to be with a person I love and care about than spend my life in an unhappy or unsatisfying relationship just because I felt like I had to be with someone.

 

I don't know if that helps at all but I hope it does  

Yeah, I know what you mean.  I find it hard as even though I am very clear - looking for “companionship”, so many people seem to jump so quickly to “can we meet?” after only 3-5 days of messaging.  And I never know how to respond.  I used the game analogy as I am not sure how else to see it... it seems to have rules/instructions that might as well be written in Martian for how well I understand how it works.  

[Just _ J]

I think as long as you're honest on your profile and in chats you'll eventually find someone that clicks with you, maybe say in your profile that you want to message for a while before meeting? that'll weed out anyone looking for a quick meet! but one day someone else who doesn't get these rules will come along and it'll be much better than trying to follow these rules with someone that expects you to.

[KayleeK]

I feel the same. The thought of dating terrifies me. I think its because i have very low self esteem, like i think i'm ugly and hopeless at making conversation. I just dont feel comfortable around people and dont know how to fix this ??

Do you feel it is harder in real life to talk with someone then online? Maybe you feel more pressure to keep conversation going etc or that they wont like you? Or is it the opposite, you're worried they WILL like you and want to do things you're not comfortable with?

[Guest]

On 11/14/2020 at 7:19 AM, Shanzy said:

so many people seem to jump so quickly to “can we meet?” after only 3-5 days of messaging

They make their intent clear in doing so. They are not looking for companionship, or have been burnt so many times, they don't want to get attached until they know the real you matches the online you. 

 

Dating is rapid fire (unfortunately). Something I also struggled to adapt to. 

 

Take too long, they assume a person is a time waster or a flake. 

 

Too quick, they assume one is desperate. Just after one thing. 

 

Key is finding someone who matches your timing. 

 

If you have no intent on meeting after two weeks of chatting, perhaps this is something you should mention. 

 

Not necessarily that you are only looking to chat (unless it is), but that you like to spend (insert approximate timing) getting to know someone. 

 

From my experience, that seems to be the cutoff to where even the most patient people will assume you're not interested. 

 

Communication is key if you are interested. 

 

If they are interested, they will be willing to wait. 

 

I remember online chatting to a woman who warned she was super shy on her profile. 

 

We chatted for weeks. Weeks turned to over a month. 

 

I then told her we should hang out. She said she wasn't ready. 

 

I gave it some time and tried to consider her, so told her we could call one another, and gave her the Skype option in the event she was nervous with a phone number. 

 

Kept rejecting it. 

 

My spidey sense told me she likely wasn't who those pictures said she was, and just stopped talking to her. 

 

She sent me a message a few days later wondering why I hadn't replied to her. 

 

To me, I didn't want to make her feel pressure, but in my mind she should have been more open about things and I would have kept talking to her. 

 

Don't allow any person to pressure you to do something you don't want to do. 

 

However, be open and you will save yourself from a ton of heartache. 

[Shanzy]

On 11/16/2020 at 11:46 AM, KayleeK said:

I feel the same. The thought of dating terrifies me. I think its because i have very low self esteem, like i think i'm ugly and hopeless at making conversation. I just dont feel comfortable around people and dont know how to fix this ??

Do you feel it is harder in real life to talk with someone then online? Maybe you feel more pressure to keep conversation going etc or that they wont like you? Or is it the opposite, you're worried they WILL like you and want to do things you're not comfortable with?

Possibly a bit of both?  

[Shanzy]

On 11/17/2020 at 11:12 AM, Perspektiv said:

They make their intent clear in doing so. They are not looking for companionship, or have been burnt so many times, they don't want to get attached until they know the real you matches the online you. 

 

Dating is rapid fire (unfortunately). Something I also struggled to adapt to. 

 

Take too long, they assume a person is a time waster or a flake. 

 

Too quick, they assume one is desperate. Just after one thing. 

 

Key is finding someone who matches your timing. 

 

If you have no intent on meeting after two weeks of chatting, perhaps this is something you should mention. 

 

Not necessarily that you are only looking to chat (unless it is), but that you like to spend (insert approximate timing) getting to know someone. 

 

From my experience, that seems to be the cutoff to where even the most patient people will assume you're not interested. 

 

Communication is key if you are interested. 

 

If they are interested, they will be willing to wait. 

 

I remember online chatting to a woman who warned she was super shy on her profile. 

 

We chatted for weeks. Weeks turned to over a month. 

 

I then told her we should hang out. She said she wasn't ready. 

 

I gave it some time and tried to consider her, so told her we could call one another, and gave her the Skype option in the event she was nervous with a phone number. 

 

Kept rejecting it. 

 

My spidey sense told me she likely wasn't who those pictures said she was, and just stopped talking to her. 

 

She sent me a message a few days later wondering why I hadn't replied to her. 

 

To me, I didn't want to make her feel pressure, but in my mind she should have been more open about things and I would have kept talking to her. 

 

Don't allow any person to pressure you to do something you don't want to do. 

 

However, be open and you will save yourself from a ton of heartache. 

I always worry that what I might put in a profile won’t be read or will misconstrued.  I was talking to one person and asked them what in my profile made them reach out and speak to me, and the response was “we had a high match percentage, I didn’t really look at your profile”.  I think I am also trying to prevent heartache, but going about it the wrong way (as in self sabotage).

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Shanzy said:

I always worry that what I might put in a profile won’t be read or will misconstrued

Well, I saw so many profiles where the disclaimer was longer than the substance within it:

 

I.E "If you still live at home with mommy, are looking for sex, or are....etc etc DON'T MESSAGE ME. READ MY PROFILE!" somewhere at the bottom of feeling like you just got ripped into for reading the profile, you'd get the confusing: "I'm sweet, funny, and looking for something serious.." but just in case you forgot the prior paragraphs: "I'M NOT LOOKING FOR GAMES, OR TO BE THE OTHER ONE!" As if one thinks that the person living at home with my parents, will think "damn, that's me--I musn't message, per the request"

 

Sadly, some think this actually scares the bad ones away. This attracts them, because they know this profile is held by someone highly damaged, which is what one would look for as an easy means of discarding a person and feeling nothing towards them. They'll know what type of game to approach someone like that with, which will disarm them.

 

Anyone who actually read such a profile, wouldn't have a good opinion about the person.

 

I saw a profile like that, and just ran. I saw the daddy issues, the bad decisions one had made and hadn't grown past making them and so on. No thanks.

 

1 hour ago, Shanzy said:

asked them what in my profile made them reach out

I was blunt when asked that question. "Your pictures. Same thing that made you reply to me :)." If she had a sense of humor, she replies. None, she blocked or tore a strip off of me. I at least wasn't forced to be someone I wasn't just for a date. Make the hoops too difficult to get through, and you essentially will teach them to better lie to you.

 

1 hour ago, Shanzy said:

I think I am also trying to prevent heartache

We all are, but the thing with dating is that you only get what you put into it.

 

When I started dating my fiancee, she initially pushed me away. Walls were sky high. I approached her genuinely. She initially rejected me, but she saw I handled the rejection peacefully. She saw I was very genuine, so she knew game would look out of place if she tried to play any. She eventually met my openness with hers. Key here, I had gotten her interest. She liked how my mind worked.

 

Someone genuinely into you, will reassure you with their actions. Not their words.

 

I would facepalm hearing of friends or anyone chasing after someone. Or waiting 40 minutes on a date, with someone clearly showing you their lack of interest, but words tell you how much they liked you. Both don't match, move on. Quick!