Poly asexual

[Leopard]

So yeah came back as I had some questions about it. Just to be clear not asexual myself (there was a point where I thought could be but nope) but I saw someone who identified as such poly asexual or ambi (open to both poly and mono). 

 

I also heard this thing too from someone else that some asexual people choose to be poly to allow their partner who isn't asexual to have sex sometimes, is that true? 

 

I know that poly is not only about sex and that it is the choice to be with several people and that there are many types of poly and such. 

 

So I am asking particularly to those familar with poly or been in such a situation.

 

I also had the thought I wouldn't mind being with someone asexual in fact while I don't like opposite sex stuff generally it would make me more open to both sides I think.

I generally prefer open but people for some reason like being only one or that and I don't like that so much but anyway I was more just curious about this thing.

 

I do have a general question about asexuality is that how you distinguish between a romantic and best friends type situation with someone who knows everything about you super close but no sex or that (I don't think i ever had that type of best friend tbh haha just like asking though). 

 

[Iam9man]

41 minutes ago, Leopard said:

I also heard this thing too from someone else that some asexual people choose to be poly to allow their partner who isn't asexual to have sex sometimes, is that true? 

 

I know that poly is not only about sex and that it is the choice to be with several people and that there are many types of poly and such.

Yes, some asexuals choose to be part of polyamorous / more open relationships to allow their partners to have sex elsewhere.

 

It’s also worth noting that, like people of other orientations, many asexuals are innately polyamorous; i.e. capable and comfortable loving more than one person at the same time and/or being in a consensual relationship with more than one person at the same time.

 

46 minutes ago, Leopard said:

I also had the thought I wouldn't mind being with someone asexual in fact while I don't like opposite sex stuff generally it would make me more open to both sides I think.

I wasn’t sure sure what you meant here. Do you mean more open to love & sex, poly & mono, different genders or something else?
 

46 minutes ago, Leopard said:

I do have a general question about asexuality is that how you distinguish between a romantic and best friends type situation with someone who knows everything about you super close but no sex or that (I don't think i ever had that type of best friend tbh haha just like asking though). 

I can’t speak for others, but in my case it’s easy. Friendships don’t lead to the desire to date or kiss someone, and don’t lead to a strong feeling of love in my chest.

[Leopard]

10 minutes ago, Iam9man said:

I wasn’t sure sure what you meant here. Do you mean more open to love & sex, poly & mono, different genders or something else?

Hey, okay lemme clarify, yeah I meant like i'm not usually as interested in opposite sex relationships (while still open sorta) at least sex involved although it's complicated ofc. My preference generally is more my own sex otherwise gender can play a role too or personality ofc. But i'm generally picky who i relate to even though many people may look attractive and that. 

[Iam9man]

19 minutes ago, Leopard said:

Hey, okay lemme clarify, yeah I meant like i'm not usually as interested in opposite sex relationships (while still open sorta) at least sex involved although it's complicated ofc. My preference generally is more my own sex otherwise gender can play a role too or personality ofc. But i'm generally picky who i relate to even though many people may look attractive and that. 

Got it. This makes sense to me. It is possible to be biromantic / bialterous or simply open to some sort of relationship with more than one gender without being bisexual or desiring sex with more than one gender. If so, and a person is poly/ambi or simply open to exploring, then a poly relationship of some sort might be a good way to explore this 😊

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

Janus DarkFox

Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Leopard said:

I do have a general question about asexuality is that how you distinguish between a romantic and best friends type situation with someone who knows everything about you super close but no sex or that (I don't think i ever had that type of best friend tbh haha just like asking though). 

 

As the other things have been already addressed, I will try to give an answer to this. 

So it depends on how those 2 people define their relationship, because it is really hard to tell  a general difference between romantic, platonic and alterous thing. For every person romantic feelings are different. For example, for me what would separate romantic feelings I have for someone from alterous ones is the willingness to be physically affectionate, aside from being their super best friend - like hugs, kisses, maybe cuddles; and from a platonic thing is the commitment and the physical affection; but for some of my friends, it is not only the physical affection, it is also the intensity of feelings and trust for their romantic partner, which are stronger then for a close friend (while for me not). So yes, it depends what romantic feelings mean for each person in particular. Hope it helps!

[Guest]

 

 

4 hours ago, Leopard said:

 

I do have a general question about asexuality is that how you distinguish between a romantic and best friends type situation with someone who knows everything about you super close but no sex or that (I don't think i ever had that type of best friend tbh haha just like asking though). 

 

Its really easy. Take all the same loving feelings sexuals have when together and remove sex. Keep the kissing, cuddling and all other things people traditionally don't do with friends. 

 

Sex is a small portion of couple activities. It can make someone dissatisfied to not have it, but it isnt the only "couples only" thing in society. 

 

Of course, some may do couple things with friends and then waters get muddied. Especially people who are poly/open as fewer rules on what is to be kept between the couple. So then it falls back on the people to define their relationship. 

[Leopard]

54 minutes ago, Serran said:

 

 

Its really easy. Take all the same loving feelings sexuals have when together and remove sex. Keep the kissing, cuddling and all other things people traditionally don't do with friends. 

 

Sex is a small portion of couple activities. It can make someone dissatisfied to not have it, but it isnt the only "couples only" thing in society. 

 

Of course, some may do couple things with friends and then waters get muddied. Especially people who are poly/open as fewer rules on what is to be kept between the couple. So then it falls back on the people to define their relationship. 

Ahh yea makes sense. Yeah I know some people who would kiss and cuddle a lot.

But then again you could question what their relationship was 😜 i'm sure some of these "friends" were even having sex or maybe just tried once. Mostly girls though, some who are experimenting. 

 

So asexual people are fine with kissing? Or I guess only certain sorts because some types of kissing are quite sexual or could be so. I guess it is perhaps individual thing too

 

[Traveler40]

4 hours ago, Serran said:

Keep the kissing, cuddling and all other things people traditionally don't do with friends. 

Except, this doesn’t hold true across the board.
 

I’d say you distinguish it by level of commitment. How invested are you? Emotionally, financially, situationally? Does it work enough to spend decades or a lifetime together? Do you both trust each other fully, love each other, have similar life goals and intend to do that as a team?

 

In some cases, it’s more like a QPR.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

Except, this doesn’t hold true across the board.

 

Nothing ever holds true across the board for any orientation. My sexual ex hated kissing and thought cuddling etc was only for foreplay... so if sex wasn't happening no point. He literally gave no emotional intimacy, just wanted sex with genitals being the only thing touching (pushing my knees to my nose to avoid touching otherwise). So intimacy doesn't hold true for individuals as a need. 

 

Many aces are romantic though and enjoy everything minus sex. 

 

 

 

9 hours ago, Leopard said:

 

So asexual people are fine with kissing? Or I guess only certain sorts because some types of kissing are quite sexual or could be so. I guess it is perhaps individual thing too

 

Depends on the person, same with sexuals. As I mentioned above, I had to basically beg for kisses or hugs from my sexual ex... and he only grudgingly gave them in return for sex. 

 

My wife isn't much into kissing (not ace) but is fine doing it for me. She loves cuddles and hugs though. 

 

Some aces love kissing and making out. Some like quick pecks. Some like occasional kisses. It is individual, not orientation specific. 

[Lara Black]

On 11/13/2020 at 10:08 AM, Leopard said:

So yeah came back as I had some questions about it. Just to be clear not asexual myself (there was a point where I thought could be but nope) but I saw someone who identified as such poly asexual or ambi (open to both poly and mono). 

 

I also heard this thing too from someone else that some asexual people choose to be poly to allow their partner who isn't asexual to have sex sometimes, is that true? 

 

I generally prefer open but people for some reason like being only one or that and I don't like that so much but anyway I was more just curious about this thing.

As it has already been said, poly or mono doesn’t really depend on one’s sexual orientation – it’s about your desire to be romantically involved with several people. I’d also say there’s a difference between being poly and being OK with your partner’s polyamory - I’ve found a great term somewhere on here: “polyfriendly”.

 

I’d say that many polyfriendly or poly people are taught to say and think that they are monogamous. There is this cultural pressure that real love can only exist between two people and “loving two people really means loving no one”.

So IMO, there aren't that few poly(friendly) people really, but many don't even know that about themselves.

[Iam9man]

7 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

Additionally, I’d say that many polyfriendly or poly people are taught to say and think that they are monogamous. There is this cultural pressure that real love can only exist between two people and “loving two people really means loving no one”.

So IMO, there aren't that few poly(friendly) people really, but many don't even know that about themselves.

Second this 👍

[Skylord]

To clarify, I'm aroace, so I probably wouldn't be able to answer your questions about romantic attraction very well, the best I can do is tell you that everyone feels different kinds of attraction in their own way. As for your questions about poly aces, I might be able to speak here. After a long time of thinking about it, I figured I'm probably poly. If I were in a relationship with anyone I would be fine if they were also having a relationship with someone else and, likewise, I'm also okay with being in a relationship with multiple people myself. It's kind of confusing because I don't feel romantic or sexual attraction to anyone, but yet I would still be in a relationship with someone(s). 

Poly might mean something different to different people though, since, of course, there are different types of polyamorous relationships after all. There are some where more than two people all love each other equally, some where multiple people love the same person but not each other, and many more. Poly can mean a lot of things, and even poly people have their limits in relationships, it's good to learn about these relationship styles and figure out what you're comfortable with. 

[Guest]

Just my two cents as the polyamorous/demisexual partner in a relationship with a monogamous/asexual partner. 

 

She's not polyamorous, but I am. Any partner(s) I have besides her are more likely than not going to be dating me, not "us". There are probably a great many asexual people in multiple relationships, ethically or otherwise, who do so out of consideration for the sexuality of other people involved.

 

I found out that I truly wasn't asexual shortly into my current long-running relationship. It was originally about wanting sex when I decided to explore polyamory, but it fit me better than I could have imagined. Surprisingly enough I never entered into a sexual relationship whatsoever. I've dated four people so far, and all are asexuals.

 

Polyamory is about the way hearts work. I'm very high maintenance emotionally, and I except a lot of different things from a partner. What enables my relationship(s) to be successful is being honest with myself and my partners about meeting different needs with different people.

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, Lucifer's Favorite Heretic said:

It was originally about wanting sex when I decided to explore polyamory, but it fit me better than I could have imagined. Surprisingly enough I never entered into a sexual relationship whatsoever. I've dated four people so far, and all are asexuals.

Haha I think I totally get this. I fell in love a few years ago & still have this amazing friendship that never turned sexual or “romantic” (but tbf what is romantic anyway). Sure I’m sexual, but it’s secondary to caring deeply about someone.

[harukacoco]

On 11/13/2020 at 10:08 AM, Leopard said:

I do have a general question about asexuality is that how you distinguish between a romantic and best friends type situation with someone who knows everything about you super close but no sex or that (I don't think i ever had that type of best friend tbh haha just like asking though). 

 

I am asexual and poly. The criterion I personally distinguish between romantic partners and best friends is whether I want to register them as my emergency contacts, or hold equal responsibility towards them [like SCUBA diving with someone in a relatively dangerous situation].

 

It might feel unexpected to people, but it is something I figured out after getting a severe medical allergy and had to walk to the hospital with my bloated body in heavy snow on the streets of NYC. 

 

To me, it's the ultimate form of trust. And doing so to others is the ultimate form of love. I am fortunate enough to have a few emergency contacts in my life, whom I trust and love.

 

On 11/21/2020 at 3:54 PM, Satan's Little Helper said:

Polyamory is about the way hearts work. I'm very high maintenance emotionally, and I except a lot of different things from a partner. What enables my relationship(s) to be successful is being honest with myself and my partners about meeting different needs with different people.

I agree with this. Currently, I have three romantic partners, two of whom are just less emotional needy than the average people. The one person who's polyamorous as well is also "emotionally high maintenance". The key might be just to find people who appreciate you as who you are--- being hypersensitive, being emotionally demanding, having different beliefs of true intimacy etc.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, harukacoco said:

I am asexual and poly. The criterion I personally distinguish between romantic partners and best friends is whether I want to register them as my emergency contacts, or hold equal responsibility towards them [like SCUBA diving with someone in a relatively dangerous situation].

 

This is such a good explanation of how poly works for a lot of people. I am pretty rigidly against a hierarchy of relationship types, but have no issues with prioritizes specific people.

 

I have labels that I use to describe the type of relationship which are very close to how most people use them. Where I differ is that the hierarchy aspect is not there. My "friend" is a person I'm relatively acquainted with, but do not interact with often, and not romantically or sexually. My "close friend" is similar, but a closer non-sexual/non-romantic bond. "Partner" is a category reserved for people whom I share a romantic (or both a sexual and a romantic) relationship with. I have a great many "friends", a handful of "close friends", and currently one "partner". The close friends are not inherently any more or less close of a relationship than a partner. In fact, one of my close friends is an ex-partner whom I would say I'm closer to as a friend than another ex-partner and I were as partners. The labels describe the type of relationship, not the intensity.

[soychiara]

On 11/13/2020 at 8:08 AM, Leopard said:

I also heard this thing too from someone else that some asexual people choose to be poly to allow their partner who isn't asexual to have sex sometimes, is that true? 

 

I know that poly is not only about sex and that it is the choice to be with several people and that there are many types of poly and such. 

Yes, it's true for some asexual people, but not for everyone.

 

I'm asexual and poly, but I don't really see my relationships as a core link to me being ace and my partners being sexual. In our case it's more about how all three of us have a lot of love to give each other, so we took the chance. Of course being ace has an influence in the relationships and how we navigate it, but we are all supportive of each other and we would be together if I wasn't ace too (my partner S helped me realize I'm ace and our boyfriend F joined us already knowing about it) 

 

On 11/13/2020 at 8:08 AM, Leopard said:

I do have a general question about asexuality is that how you distinguish between a romantic and best friends type situation with someone who knows everything about you super close but no sex or that (I don't think i ever had that type of best friend tbh haha just like asking though). 

I'm not repulsed about kissing so I guess the difference for me is that if I'm romantically interested, the thought of it makes me feel warm and all blushy, but if I see them as just (best) friends it makes me a bit unconfortable and it feels really off.  

[iff]

This thread has not been active for a long time and is now being locked. If anyone would like to discuss this topic further, feel free to start a new thread about it.

 

Iff, 

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