New Here - i'm sexual, my partner isn't

[loverofasexual]

Hi to everyone here. I was glad to find this website. I posted this in another section of the web site and was told that I might get more help here so I'm reposting it and I'm hoping for the best. I am gay and have been with my partner since we were 18 years old. We met in college and have been together ever since. We are both 26 years old now. I love my partner very much and I do intend on staying with him. He loves me too and has tried to be a sexual partner but he just can't do it any longer. When we first met, neither one of us was very sure of our sexuality. Now we love each other and I am not going to give up on our relationship over sex and I will remain faithful to him. I am trying to understand his being asexual. At first he didn't even know what it was. We did have sex at the beginngin of our relationship but then it got less and less until he told me he just couldn't do it any longer. Now he understands what he feels but I am still trying to learn. I don't really understand how anyone wouldn't want sex. I need help in learning how to cope without sex and to learn what he feels. It seems hard for him to express and he feels as though he is letting me down. We are both good looking, athletic guys. All our friends assume we have this amazing sex life. It makes me feel kind of sad to know that's all not true. Is there anyone else here like me?

[Virgo]

To attempt an explination of our disinclination towards sex would be like trying to explain any other sexual orientation; it's just not quite possible. Not to speak for everyone else here, but the impression I've gotten looking around the boards is that we are as confused by the apparent need (or perpetual desire) for sex that sexuals exibit (I know I am).

I think it's truly wonderful that you're being so adaptive and willing to learn about asexuality for the sake of your partner. In order to start a more comfortable dialogue with him about his sexuality, be sure not to approach it as an issue; let him know he's not "failing you" and that you want to understand more beacuse you love him. (Not to suggest that you would do that anyway, but remember his coming out as an asexual is just as turmultuous a time as coming out as gay).

I hope that helps. If you have any more questions, don't feel hesitant to post here of jus PM me. Welcome to AVEN.

[Rin]

Virgo pretty much summed up the "why the dislike" answer.

Just want to make a suggestion regarding the "how can I live without it" thing. I'd say try to find other ways to be intimate. You'd have to ask him what he's comfortable with but there's more ways than one to be intimate than just intercourse. And try and find more importance in other parts of a relationship, such as kissing etc. if he's OK with that aspect. Or just find more enjoyment in other ways you spend time together and show affection.

Many people here would probably rather go on a romantic walk together and be close that way than be close through sex. But everyones also different here and your boyfriend will have his own interests.

Your boyfriend is probably a romantic in that he loves you and adores the relationship you two have, but just not the sex part. Theres many who identify as "romantic asexual" here, if you do a search for the term and read various discussions you may come to a better understanding about it all. But again, everyone is different.

But I agree, it's great that you're willing to be understanding about it.

[sakura_alice]

as confused by the apparent need (or perpetual desire) for sex that sexuals exibit (I know I am).

Yep, that's definately me. I just don't see why people want sex, it's not appealing to me at all, and I'm 21, lol. I do like kissing (not as far as french kissing, meh), but I've never felt that I want to go farther than that. I even like cuddling, but if someone has sexual intentions, I push them away because I can't understand why they want to and why they can't just not do it, and the fact that their feelings to want to do that can be so strong the person can't supress them almost scares me. I don't know why. =/ But definately agree with everyone else above, you are awesome for wanting to learn why! for you! :D

[loverofasexual]

Thanks for all your advice. It's not just about intercourse for me. Gay people do more than have intercourse. They have oral sex too, which would be great with me. Being asexual my partner doesn't want to do that any longer. As I've said in another post, he does love to hug me and we do non-passionate kissing (no tongue). I know that when we used to make love he was doing it for me. I guess that must have been difficult for him. I'm learning a lot and it's bringing us closer together. I hope you all hang in there with me while I catch up on what all this means.

[Chiaroscuro]

Hi LoA, I'm also one (lover of an asexual...), and I've found a lot of insights here at Aven. On a side note, I'm glad to see the site back up! Good job, whomever was involved in getting it up again.

My experience with my wife's lack of desire, and from chatting here, is that asexuality is as profound as homosexuality vs. heterosexuality. It's something wired into the psyche. So that as hard as it is for me to "feel" what it must be like to be gay, it's equally hard for me to feel what it's like to be inside my wife's skin. I just have to take it as a given that she IS asexual, and go from there.

The ramifications of asexuality in a mixed (Sex/Asex) relationship are pretty profound. I've come to terms with being celibate for the time being, but I do feel like I've got a hole inside me, and it feels wrong on a very deep level. I know my wife loves me. She shows me in a lot of subtle ways that she does. But it's the difference between knowing something and feeling it. The feeling of being loved isn't there for me (just as it isn't there for asexuals when they're forced to be intimate).

It's been said elsewhere here that sex brings sexual people together, and drives a wedge between asexual people. That's the heart of it.

the impression I've gotten looking around the boards is that we are as confused by the apparent need (or perpetual desire) for sex that sexuals exibit (I know I am).

I don't know exactly what to call sexual desire: a need or a want. To me it's a part of who I am, and denying it is denying an important part of who I am.

-Chiaroscuro