BeardedDragon89 Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 Hey everyone, Writing this on a whim, not really sure what Im doing. I've been in therapy for a while and my therapist has brought up a few times about the possibility of asexuality, but never truly considered or entertained the idea, mostly out my own lack of education and ignorance on it, so, I'm sorry if I offend anyone here. Truly looking to learn. I've been a bit socially awkward. Prefer to be alone, never really know how to interact with people I'm not close to already. I'm 30 and a virgin and haven't done more than makeout only a handful of times, and I consider myself hetero. I've been dating my current girlfriend for two years, to the point where we've tried to have sex once, I couldn't get aroused, and been terrified to try ever since. I worry how I'll be judged as far as how I look naked (I have body dysmorphia), how I'll perform, how I'd compare to her past lovers. I'ts put a strain on our relationship for sure...her being sexually frustrated. But this is not new... I've never been a confident or make the first move kind of guy, something that's had past relationships fail. My longest relationship up until my current one was 2 weeks long, and past middle school, I've only ever dated people online...for the most part. Rarely in person dating. It's happened... but only a few times. I've never considered myself asexual because, I think I'm sexually attracted to other people, unless I have a misguided idea of what sexual attraction really means. And I apologize for anyone sex-adverse here for what I'm about to write. But I masturbate frequently, at least a few times a week, to porn. I love how it feels, I love watching what I watch, and have different "kinks" I suppose. Mostly recently, POV type porn. But, I also feel like in my real life, I've had sexual fantasizes about fictional and real people. I find myself looking at the opposite sex and finding their outward appearance arouses me. And in my mind, I can imagine sexual interactions and enjoy them, I've even sexted with people while online dating before and have enjoyed it. But when it comes to in person, I can never get fully aroused, and even kissing...I love the idea of it, but have never fully enjoyed, find it kind of gross to be honest, even though in my fantasies or in porn I watch, it's something that turns me on. I have a lot of issues I deal with in therapy, and my therapist thinks a lot of my issues around sex now are a compound of other areas of my life that has impacted how I view sex, yet, he also hasn't ruled out asexuality either. And I'm so old and inexperienced, I'm terrified and embarrassed of doing anything wrong and people thinking less of me as far as sexual interactions. But I don't know if I'm just scared of sex and hence get in my own way, like calling myself asexual is an excuse to avoid certain situations out of fear, or if I'm somewhere in the gray with all of this. I've read some of the definitions and none of them seem to fit me fully, maybe an aspect here or there in different sub-labels, but, nothing that feels authentically me. Anyone have any advise/suggestions? Thanks again for reading this long post!! Link to post Share on other sites
Jordan92 Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 First off; don't feel like you have to “be”the exact definition of any identity term to fee like that’s what you are. I’m fairly new to the group and find many others’ stories that are similar to mine but they use different labels and thats okay. Use the term you feel fits best and uplifts your confidence in your sexual attractions of any level. Have your researched “autochorissexuality”? Theres some forums here people discuss on as well as some decent google finds. My understanding of the term is when a person has sexual arousal and/or attraction when using porn but has little attraction/arousal when with physical partners. You could also explore romantic sexual identities (hetero/bi/aromantic, etc) and see if you best identify as asexual (or some subtype) with a secondary romantic label. For example I identify as asexual and am working on solidifying hetero/biromantic. This site and the Trevor Project site really helped me learn terms and see what I identified most with, so I think you’re at a good starting place for personal discovery. Keep workin hard and bein your best you! Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted October 17, 2020 Share Posted October 17, 2020 Interesting to see a Therapist bring up Asexuality first. Luckily AVEN provides a host of resources in the Helpful Threads on top of this forum and its Front Page. Our AVENwiki and the main Wikipedia page on Asexuality provides some further reading without opinionated debate. https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html http://wiki.asexuality.org/Category:Asexuality https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asexuality Link to post Share on other sites
ModestFox Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 I’m probably late… Just wanted to say I’m a lot like you. Been mostly online dating, socially awkward, thinking I’m just scared (it’s natural to avoid situations out of fear, I think, and one is free not to overcome it if they don’t feel like it’s necessary for them), and I very much relate to this: On 10/17/2020 at 8:17 AM, BeardedDragon89 said: I'm terrified and embarrassed of doing anything wrong and people thinking less of me as far as sexual interactions. This is why I need to be really comfortable with someone to be able to have those interactions with them, so they don’t think my actions are weird or embarrassing, but even if I can trust them in that way, I also have to fight my own perception of it being weird or embarrassing ^ ^’ If I know someone expects me to perform well, that pretty much kills the desire to try. It’s not an exam or something xD Not to mention expecting it from someone who hasn’t had any practice. I’ve seen quite a few people here by now who can imagine themselves in sexual situations and enjoy it, but it never goes that way in person. Some think it would make sense for them to identify as asexual. I don’t know how it’d go with all the guys I dated online in the past, but it went well with the one I’m dating right now. Except kissing, I still love the idea of it better, too xD So I don’t think I’m ace, although not a typical sexual, either. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted October 19, 2020 Share Posted October 19, 2020 1 hour ago, ModestFox said: it’s natural to avoid situations out of fear, I think, and one is free not to overcome it if they don’t feel like it’s necessary for them That's it. Because really, some people are trying to portray it as if it was wrong not to overcome one's fear / discomfort / anxiety etc. I don't want to, and for two simple reason: 1. I don't want to torture myself with sexual attempts. 2. I just don't see any reason for it because I don't see anything worthile about sex. Accepting one's fear of something is always an option, and for everyone who is afraid of sex and wondering whether they might be asexual, it might be a good idea to ask oneself a question: "Do I perceive sex as valuable - and why?". Because really, the mere fact that most people experience sexual desire doesn't mean that you can't question the value of sex, that you can't decide that you, personally, don't need sex for anything. Some people - and perhaps not just asexuals, also people who have just always found sex disappointing because of sociocultural factors such as low standards of consent - may only perceive sex as something valuable because they were taught that they should... Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 12 hours ago, Zize552 said: I think it's stupid to be afraid of sex Why? Sex is a very serious thing, and if one has no desire to counter the apprehension, being actively scared of it is even more natural. Link to post Share on other sites
Janus the Fox Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 There’s a whole host of reasons one maybe afraid of sex, feeling afraid of sex is a valid feeling. It’s ok to be afraid and does not need to be overcome with exception to getting over this hurdle if sex is desperately desired along with a persons sexual attractions and desires if there is any. Link to post Share on other sites
BeardedDragon89 Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/19/2020 at 1:01 PM, ModestFox said: I’ve seen quite a few people here by now who can imagine themselves in sexual situations and enjoy it, but it never goes that way in person. Some think it would make sense for them to identify as asexual. I don’t know how it’d go with all the guys I dated online in the past, but it went well with the one I’m dating right now. Except kissing, I still love the idea of it better, too xD So I don’t think I’m ace, although not a typical sexual, either. Thats it, isn't it? I can imagine myself in sexual situations, and I can imagine myself enjoying them, and I can tell myself: "alright, this is it" or "tonight is the night" or "this is the one" etc... But it never goes that way in person. Either I'm too in my head, too nervous or awkward, can never get aroused, or insert other excuse here. I think I'm somewhere in the gray with all this where, I don't know if I'm ace, yet, I'm not a fully or typical sexual either. And really, I'm never one for labels, and I shouldn't need a label to feel better, but, it's almost more comforting to have one, you know? And for me, it's frustrating trying to explain to people why I can't just allow myself to let sexual interactions happen. Even in the past with girls I've dated, it's always like: "you really need to get over this" or "you're overthinking it too much, just relax and you'll realize it's not as big a deal as you're making it" or "you're acting like a 13 year old boy. you're not w teenager anymore. get over it." Good to know there's other people on here who fall into the same, idk, way of thinking, I guess? Link to post Share on other sites
BeardedDragon89 Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/19/2020 at 2:20 PM, Nowhere Girl said: Some people - and perhaps not just asexuals, also people who have just always found sex disappointing because of sociocultural factors such as low standards of consent - may only perceive sex as something valuable because they were taught that they should... Yes!!!! That's it. We're all taught from such young age that sex is "normal" and "expected" and we're taught to value it, even from a basic reproductive reasoning. So naturally, when you go against the grain, or think in a way others don't understand why, it's ostracizing. I guess that's a question I don't fully know the answer to. Do I value sex? Or do I know what its value is for me? I feel like, partly yea, partly no. I guess growing up, even now, I've always seen it as something that's a huge part of relationships. Heck, even my own therapist and my girlfriend's therapist has said that sex is a big part of a healthy relationship. I guess it's jammed down our throats that sex means healthy and not having sex means the relationship is missing something. And that's always something past girlfriend's have said they're missing, is the sex equivalent. So lack of sex = feelings of rejection or feeling unwanted or ugly or low self-esteem. And despite how much I try to say that it has absolutely zero to do with them and all to do with me, people only really hear and perceive what they want to hear and perceive. And you can't really tell someone else they can't feel a certain way. So when my current gf says she feels rejected, I can't do anything but nod and agree and try my best to understand that's her truth, not mine. It's tough. No real easy solution to all of it. Link to post Share on other sites
BeardedDragon89 Posted October 22, 2020 Author Share Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/17/2020 at 2:51 AM, Jordan92 said: Have your researched “autochorissexuality”? Theres some forums here people discuss on as well as some decent google finds. My understanding of the term is when a person has sexual arousal and/or attraction when using porn but has little attraction/arousal when with physical partners. I think I saw the term on a subreddit somewhere, but haven't come across it here yet. This website has so many boards and forums and discussions that it's almost daunting even tipping my toes in with how much info is here to explore. But this does seem like something that might be geared more towards my experience. I'll have to check it out. And thank you!! Link to post Share on other sites
KiraS Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 Unpopular opinion on here, but people don't have sex for all kinds of reasons beyond being asexual. In fact, it's fairly well supported that people under 30 are having much less sex than my generation did 20 years ago. It is perfectly reasonable to have anxieties about dating and sex. Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 3 hours ago, KiraS said: Unpopular opinion on here, but people don't have sex for all kinds of reasons beyond being asexual. In fact, it's fairly well supported that people under 30 are having much less sex than my generation did 20 years ago. It is perfectly reasonable to have anxieties about dating and sex. I have been hoping that it has something to do with more asexual awareness, but most texts I have read attribute it to the youngest generation of adults and sub-adults being raised with so much digital technology that they perceive it as a necessary part of life and - supposedly - have trouble forming offline relationships. Of course, there is often some value judgement in these diagnoses, at least some of them blindly assume that it's something bad if people have less sex or less people have sex. To me it's more of a hopeful sign because, as I wrote before, I'm rather pessimistic about the quality of sex people have - for example, people (more often than not - women...) having sex because of interpersonal pressure and not because they truly want to. If people have less sex, perhaps also less people have sex under pressure. If people, on average, start having sex later, that's a good thing too: a very important part of my idea of consent is understanding of sex and its consequences - without it, consent is uninformed and therefore invalid. I believe that 15 or 16 years is, at least for the vast majority of people, to understand sex and to be sure whether one truly wants to do it. I perceive ages of 20 and more as an acceptable age for sex. So if people start having sex later, there is more probability that it's a well-considered decision. Yet, I still have hope that these changes to the younger generation's sexual patterns have something to do with asexual visibility. I have seen quite a few polls - true, usually not made on a statistically significant sample - which show that, among younger people (and I don't mean teenagers, but rather students, young adults in the strict meaning of this word - ages around 18-25), the percentage of people who identify as asexual rises well above the famous (and in my opinion inaccurate) 1%. Link to post Share on other sites
Sea Lemon Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 6 hours ago, BeardedDragon89 said: I can imagine myself in sexual situations, and I can imagine myself enjoying them, and I can tell myself: "alright, this is it" or "tonight is the night" or "this is the one" etc... But it never goes that way in person. Either I'm too in my head, too nervous or awkward, can never get aroused, or insert other excuse here. To me, I think this points towards anxiety being the main factor here. I'm in a very similar boat - I'm in a relationship with a straight man but it's been sexless for almost 18 months because there's this hurdle there in my head that I can't get past. Even though the desire is there, the sensations involved trigger a panic response, which fuels my anxiety around the whole thing, and it becomes a vicious circle of stress and fear, and I just avoid it. I don't have an easy answer for you unfortunately, but I want you to know that you're not the only one out there dealing with this. My plan is when I've got a bit more money saved, to try and find a sex therapist who deals with anxiety as well - I'm not sure if this is a reasonable option for you, but it may be worth looking into. Link to post Share on other sites
ModestFox Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 11 hours ago, BeardedDragon89 said: Either I'm too in my head, too nervous or awkward, can never get aroused, or insert other excuse here. I guess our situations are too different to compare, but still, maybe it'll be useful... I didn't really have to do anything, unless I wanted to, there was no pressure at all, and we could stop anytime. I was still nervous, because it's only been about an hour since I met him in person (after a year of talking online), and I was totally unsure if I was even attracted to him at the moment. I felt nothing that resembled desire, only knowing I would regret missing the chance I got for the first time in years. His touching me felt awkward but somehow I just let him stroke my thighs. It took just a few minutes before it got arousing instead of awkward, and I even offered to proceed 🙄 Not that I instantly felt I could do anything, it was still a bit awkward, but felt a lot more right than wrong. So it's something that might or might not happen to anyone, I suppose, with the right partner, because it's just so hard to predict, with people like me ^ ^' It's not that I forced myself into it, because I knew I wanted these things, at least in my imagination, right? xD But at the same time, it felt forced at first... Could have also gone differently if I could see him often and we were just dating at first. Don't know what it was, just anxiety, or responsive desire, or both. I suppose sexual attraction was there the whole time, otherwise, his going on would only turn me off all the more? Hmm... We had a second date, it was easier because I knew we did it before in those same circumstances. Also, I decided it's important for me that neither me nor my partner worry about how we perform and just do what we want, as long as it's within our boundaries. I don't know how many people feel the same way about it 😕 Link to post Share on other sites
N8ty L3asT Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 On 10/19/2020 at 1:28 PM, Zize552 said: I think it's stupid to be afraid of sex I would like to note that there are individuals on and off AVEN that have been abused sexually that struggle with just learning to trusting others and would more than likely disagree with this kind of statement. Link to post Share on other sites
KiraS Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 8 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said: I have been hoping that it has something to do with more asexual awareness, but most texts I have read attribute it to the youngest generation of adults and sub-adults being raised with so much digital technology that they perceive it as a necessary part of life and - supposedly - have trouble forming offline relationships. Of course, there is often some value judgement in these diagnoses, at least some of them blindly assume that it's something bad if people have less sex or less people have sex. To me it's more of a hopeful sign because, as I wrote before, I'm rather pessimistic about the quality of sex people have - for example, people (more often than not - women...) having sex because of interpersonal pressure and not because they truly want to. If people have less sex, perhaps also less people have sex under pressure. If people, on average, start having sex later, that's a good thing too: a very important part of my idea of consent is understanding of sex and its consequences - without it, consent is uninformed and therefore invalid. I believe that 15 or 16 years is, at least for the vast majority of people, to understand sex and to be sure whether one truly wants to do it. I perceive ages of 20 and more as an acceptable age for sex. So if people start having sex later, there is more probability that it's a well-considered decision. Yet, I still have hope that these changes to the younger generation's sexual patterns have something to do with asexual visibility. I have seen quite a few polls - true, usually not made on a statistically significant sample - which show that, among younger people (and I don't mean teenagers, but rather students, young adults in the strict meaning of this word - ages around 18-25), the percentage of people who identify as asexual rises well above the famous (and in my opinion inaccurate) 1%. It's hard to really know, but age of first becoming sexually active has varied by quite a bit over time, due to various taboos about sex outside of marriage (or at least betrothal, a large number of first-born puritans were conceived sometime between betrothal and marriage) and economic expectations for becoming married. And in American culture, sex after 50 is considered yucky, so it's sort of expected that sexual activity will taper off with age. Link to post Share on other sites
KayleeK Posted October 28, 2020 Share Posted October 28, 2020 Yes I have a fear around sex also. I can watch a sex scene in a movie or imagine something in my head and its ok because it safe. Masturbation as well is safe. But sex in real life involves another person, and that = danger!! So yeah I am also wondering whether I am asexual since I dont want to have sex, or do I just have some trust issues around other people together with anxiety and also fear that I will be judged and considered unattractive by the other person? Its hard to know the answer. I guess in your case if you feel you do want to have sex, but there is some fear stopping you, then it is worth trying to resolve the issue. It sounds like you are working on that with your therapist already? Maybe you have some fear about being vulnerable and close to another person? Wheras masturbation only involves yourself (or imaginary people) so there is that sense that you are safe so you're able to relax more. On the otherhand though if you really dont want to have sex and are happy without it then you shouldnt feel pressured to do it even if your girlfriend or therapist says its "normal." Link to post Share on other sites
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