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Sadness ending a long-term relationship


JC Night

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Hi, new here. This is probably going to be long, sorry! TL;DR is that my partner of more than six years and I are likely going to break up due to me (probably) being asexual and aromantic, and I'm really sad about it and want some solidarity/reassurance.

 

I've been in a relationship with an (allosexual and romantic) guy for more than six years. I realised a couple of years ago that I'm probably asexual and my partner was lovely about it, but continued to try to initiate sex every so often. Sometimes I go through with it, but never because I really want to, just because I feel like I should and because I don't want to disappoint him. I'm not completely sex-averse/repulsed but I don't like it either, it feels like it just takes too much energy. I have to work hard to 'shut off my brain' during it. I don't really know how to word it, but even just feeling his desire to have sex and knowing he's aroused or whatever really bothers me, I feel the weight of those wants sort of suffocating me. 

 

That's now extended to romantic things too, and I'm starting to think I might also be aromantic. I feel uncomfortable and smothered when he does what would generally be considered lovely romantic things, like sending me a cutesy card or telling me he loves me or looking at me all mushily or trying to snuggle or kiss (ugh kissing ☹️). I really love him, but it feels very platonic on my end - I have so much affection for him but no attraction. He knows something is wrong and it has been for a long time, and it's making him sad. He's a very physically affectionate person and is always trying to hug and touch me which I don't tend to like, plus he wishes we would have sex more. I feel so guilty all the time and it's making me miserable.

 

I know we probably need to end it and we've started having that discussion, but the idea of that feels overwhelming. We've been together so long, we love each others' families, we have so many wonderful memories together. I'm terrified of losing him - he's the best friend I've ever had and there's nobody else I'm so close to. I've been beating myself up thinking I just need to try harder, to get over myself. Like I'm so ungrateful - this wonderful lovely person loves me and why can't I love him back the same way? What if we do break up and it's a horrible mistake? I know it's stupid because I've been feeling this way for years, but aside from this stuff I'm so comfortable around him and we get on so well.

 

And I'm scared of labelling myself as asexual and especially aromantic, because it makes me sad to think I might not be capable of experiencing love the way it's written about in novels or movies. Reading this site has made me realise that I've definitely never felt sexual attraction towards anyone, but I don't really even understand what romantic attraction is. This is going to sound awful, but I've come to realise that when my partner and I first got together I think I just really enjoyed having someone like ME. I was only just 19, it was my first ever relationship, and it was a novelty to be wanted. I just went along with it and later did begin to love him, but as I've said, I've now realised that love is platonic - it's very obviously different to the way he feels about me. I honestly don't know how it got this far.

 

I'm just looking for some solidarity, I guess, that I'm not the only one in this situation? Have any of you ended a long-term relationship for similar reasons? I wish I had a magic wand that could take away his romantic and sexual attraction towards me, so we could be best friends and I wouldn't have to constantly feel bad about all that stuff. But I know that's not how real life works. I feel like I'm grieving already for the loss, and so scared that I'll never find anybody outside my family who knows me so well and loves me (platonically) despite all my flaws.

 

Thank so much if you if you read this far! 

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Its difficult to end a relationship, but continuing in one where there is a basic incompatibility is even worse in the long term. Much better for everyone to find someone compatible.

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That reminds me of my only serious relationship, except that mine didn't even last six months, never mind six years 😅

With the difference that I'd convinced myself I enjoyed the sex at first, but it had mostly been about the relief that I was, uh, able to have sex and that it wasn't as awful as I had feared (which is still reassuring because I want to have children at some point). What you've said about wanting to be wanted is something I felt too, and I don't think it sounds awful, lots of people like that.

 

Once the experimenting phase was over, I started disliking the feeling that our relationship wouldn't work without sex, there were some other things I didn't like, and I started to feel a bit sex-repulsed as a result. He also needed a lot more physical affection than I did and ignored some of my explicitly stated boundaries about that, which played into my decision. Which led to me avoiding him in general, while I tried to decide whether to break the relationship off. (In retrospect, that wasn't necessarily the best decision - I didn't communicate enough with him about it, so he never had the chance to understand my reasons for breaking up. We had a long talk about it and he still walked away with some wrong ideas, because he never understood that I was already considering to break up when I first started to pull away, not that I "fell out of love because I didn't meet him often enough because I didn't want to make time for him for ??? reasons". On the other hand, I got to make that decision without being doubted or pressured, and I didn't feel much "heartbreak" because I was very sure by then.)

 

I have to say, to me it sounds like your relationship is not the best for you. Having to "shut off your brain" is... not good, and can be traumatic. It sounds like your partner is only accepting of your asexuality as long as you still have sex with him sometimes, and like you have a difficulty saying no. I'm sure it's possible that your partner doesn't mean to pressure you into sex (society and culture provides enough pressure already - what may seem like "neutrally asking if sex is okay" to him is not actually neutral to a person with an internalized belief that she owes her partner sex), but that's still the effect he's having and evidently he doesn't understand that despite the amount of time he's had. I suppose you could try to have another conversation with him about why having sex doesn't work for you, but if you explained all that already then I don't have much hope it will miraculously work better this time.

 

About experiencing romance the way it's written/shown in media: We should probably remind ourselves that there's a lot of bullshit in media. Various kinds of discrimination, sexism, harmful stereotypes like "if a girl says no the boy should just be persistent and maybe she'll change her mind", and so on... we shouldn't let that dictate what kind of relationship we want. I know that's easier said than done, of course.

 

I feel like such a hypocrite writing this because I often have a hard time truly believing it myself, but having a committed relationship is possible for aces and aros. Maybe you could look into some success stories here on AVEN, or into queerplatonic relationships.

 

 I suspect that the situation is a lot harder on you than on me, though, because your relationship was so much longer than mine. Breaking up might not be as easy or relatively painless for you.  But I hope that things work out for you and I'm sure you can do this! And also don't give up hope of finding someone :)

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^^ More or less all of what @Ilana wrote. Mine was years ago and only a vague memory. It was difficult for quite a while but you will get through it. (hugs). I didn't even kidd myself I liked anything sexual, as well as kissing. I really didn't and it showed. I'm still amazed it lasted as long as it did.

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Thank you all for your replies, especially you @Ilana - you have no idea (or maybe you do!) how much it helps to hear that someone else has similar experiences. What you said about convincing yourself that you enjoyed sex at first resonates with me too - I think I did an awful lot of acting a role and convincing myself it was right. Also I feel this so much:

 

16 hours ago, IIana said:

what may seem like "neutrally asking if sex is okay" to him is not actually neutral to a person with an internalized belief that she owes her partner sex

Anyway, I've had a couple of long conversations with him the last couple of days and I think he gets it more now. I'm definitely at fault for shutting down and not really explaining how I was feeling! We're going to try cutting out the sexual and romantic parts of our relationship and stay best friends, with him being free to find another romantic/sexual partner if he wants. I don't know if it will work in practice, but he's very keen to try - we're such an integral part of each others' lives that we're both strongly against just not seeing each other any more. We don't live together or anything, which definitely makes this easier!

 

Actually, he was way more receptive and less upset than I thought he'd be. I think it's a bit of a relief for him to have my behaviour explained. It's been off for a really long time now but he's so conflict-averse he never brought it up. He's been kind of 'trying too hard' with the romantic stuff - I think fear of losing someone can make people hold on tighter - which ironically has made me more uncomfortable 😅. We're both hopeful that our relationship will be easier and less strained if we let all that stuff go. I know it's probably easier said than done, especially on his side, but we'll see.

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That sounds great! I'm happy for you and I hope it works out :)

 

11 hours ago, JC Night said:

He's been kind of 'trying too hard' with the romantic stuff - I think fear of losing someone can make people hold on tighter - which ironically has made me more uncomfortable 😅.

... sounds familiar too btw 😂

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Welcome to Aven!

 

Wow, reading your story gave me the craziest sense of deja vu. A year ago, I was exactly where you were - in a five year relationship during which I had realised I was ace, originally willing to "put up" with sex but entirely for his sake; for me, it consumed too much energy, I didn't get anything out of it, and I felt so much guilt that I didn't want to give him something that was so important and special to him that I ended up hating myself. I loved him with all my heart, but as time went on, I got uncomfortable with all forms of physical affection because I felt an internalised expectation that it should be leading to sexual things. Like you, I met him when I was 19, I loved that we had so much in common and our views on life aligned so well, and I really, truly, deeply loved him. But after five years, I was miserable being in a romantic and sexual relationship with him.

 

I'm so happy to see your reply that you managed to talk it out with him and stay best friends. I won't bore you with the details of how I handled my own situation, since you've managed to do the impossibly hard thing already  - which you should be insanely proud of, by the way. It's a huge step to make that decision and have that difficult conversation about what you want even if it might hurt him). 

 

All I'll say is, with the help of this forum (thanks AVEN 💜), I got out of that relationship, and even though I'm sad because we couldn't be friends and he's now just not in my life, I don't regret the decision. I didn't realise how much internalised guilt and shame and self-loathing I had been brewing inside myself, for months. To let all that pain go was the biggest relief I've felt in a long time, and I hope that you can have that same relief if you felt any of that, too. It's great to hear that you're staying friends and making it work. And if, like you say, it's a terrible mistake... you can always take it back. You can still talk about what you both want out of your relationship, whether that's platonic or other, and set boundaries without any expectations or societal pressures on what your relationship "should" be. Just do what feels right for you without any of the guilt. 

 

As for being worried about not having what the media presents as a happy relationship and whether that's compatible with labels, all I'd say is use whatever labels feel comfortable, but let yourself feel whatever you feel, and if you find it doesn't exactly fit the label you've chosen, that's okay. It's an ongoing process you can figure out, there's no time limit. And like Ilana says, the media is not usually an accurate depiction of real life. Real life is way more complicated, and messy, and way, way, better.

 

Sorry for the essay. I guess what I'm trying to say is I relate to so, so much of what you've said, and I know how miserable I was. And now I'm out the other side, I want to reassure you that it will feel better. It gets easier, and you'll figure out exactly what you want, and it is perfectly possible to find people whose desires about relationships align with yours. You got this 💜

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@AnneBonny159, thank you so much for what you've written. It's honestly the most reassuring thing ever to know that people have been in similar situations, and understand, and have come out the other side. Like you did, I have been feeling a LOT of guilt, but the replies from you lovely people have really helped with trying to convince myself that it's not my fault (as has my not-boyfriend-any-more (is there a nicer term for that other than 'ex'?), who is probably the kindest person I know). I've been feeling guilty even over weird things, like worrying my family - my mum has had several unhealthy relationships with men who didn't treat her well, and so she's always said how happy and relieved she is that I have such a loving, sweet boyfriend. So I think I feel bad for ruining that sense of relief/peace she had for me? I spoke to her about it yesterday and I think she's having a hard time grasping the idea that I might never be in a traditional romantic relationship again. Even though right now, my ideal perfect future is just me and a big dog on our own in a little cottage in the countryside :P It all comes from a place of love with her though, I imagine lots of peoples' families react similarly.

 

I know that the lovely people of AVEN are generally very understanding about how labels can change, but I'm not so sure about people in 'real life'. I want to explain properly - at least to my family - why me and my partner aren't in a romantic relationship any more, so I have been using the words asexual and aromantic, but I keep feeling the need to caveat it with "at least that's how I feel right now, it might change" each time. 😂 Thank you all so much 🤍

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On 10/16/2020 at 8:55 AM, JC Night said:

my not-boyfriend-any-more (is there a nicer term for that other than 'ex'?)

Good friend?  Best friend?

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  • 1 month later...
On 10/22/2020 at 7:10 PM, ryn2 said:

Good friend?  Best friend?

This. ^ You don't have to say you broke up. You can say you got back together as friends 😄

 

 

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I ended a relationship of 3 years with my boyfriend after the last year had gotten pretty toxic. I was literally dissociated for a whole week but atleast very specific music allowed me to feel something even though it was outside of my body xD My whole brain needs a reboot and its only been 2 weeks o-o

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