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What the hell is romance


luluco

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I'm Lu and I'm 22 years old :) I consider myself a very sex positive asexual, agender. I'm sensual too, for the moment (not sure) towards people that are men or they identify as men 

 

So... Straight to the point hahaha what the hell is considered romance? 

Sex? There are friends with benefits too

love, jealousy, cheating? Some friends can get jealous or get disappointed at you if you hang out with other people

Sensual stuff like kissing, holding hands... I have seen that done by friends too

 

So... What is romantic love? I'm confused

I get the idea that people want to have a special someone but I think that it's not going to be forever because there's a lot of people in this world and they could find someone who can make them happier.

 

I have had crushes but it didn't last that much I've never fallen in love so I don't know if I could fall or not for someone.

 

I want to have a special "mate" in my life yes but I think that my idea of relationship would be "we like to hang out together, we take care of each other, we kiss, we hold hands... We just have a great time together, they are my soulmate" 

 

Cheating wouldn't exist because we couldn't care less if the other person kisses other person. In my point of view cheating for me would be that they have another person more important than me (aside from the family), replacing me 

 

And jealousy would neither exist because my partner is free the only thing that would concern me is honesty.

 

Is this romance? 

 

 

 

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The question comes up often. Romance is more of a feeling between people I think, than just acts. It's caring for someone beyond friendship. Showing greater levels of love. Deeper Intimacy, Being lovey-dovey too can be great :). Touching and kissing and holding hands can be a great way to convey some love, but it's not only what it's about, tho someone could say if friends kiss on the mouth more than 2 seconds then it's pushing the friendship :P
Possessiveness isn't a positive trait to romance, Jealousy is just a product of immaturity because we can get attached to someone we love. But there's something romantic about the devotion to someone, that you sort of promise yourselves to each other and don't need anybody else in that way.

 

Sex to me isn't romantic, but to plenty of people it is, becuase they can put intimacy in it. For me intimacy is best with affection itself. Being close, staring into each others' eyes, being there for each other, feeling each other without having to get to sexual pleasure. That's me though.

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I don't usually put romantic and love together. I think of it more as an attraction or interest that you like to do with someone you might love.

For me romance would be such behaviours like holding hands, cuddling, hugs, kisses. It like extra things that you probably wouldn't do with a friend but it's not sex. Romance I feel are things to do with someone that makes your relationship more enjoyable (I know not for everyone though) and it differs from sensual because sensual is more about turning a person on, but not with sex. I know the three forms of attraction are very difficult to describe to separate. I wish English made it easier to define.

 

Example: romance: holding hands, giving a kiss

Example sensual: cuddling nude.

Example sexual: having intercourse

Example aesthetic: looking at each other.

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Anthracite_Impreza
39 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

It's caring for someone beyond friendship

Not accurate. It's caring differently to, not more than

 

54 minutes ago, luluco said:

I want to have a special "mate" in my life yes but I think that my idea of relationship would be "we like to hang out together, we take care of each other, we kiss, we hold hands... We just have a great time together, they are my soulmate" 

 

Cheating wouldn't exist because we couldn't care less if the other person kisses other person. In my point of view cheating for me would be that they have another person more important than me (aside from the family), replacing me 

You sound like you could be romantic but polyamorous. Anyone else kissed my beau romantically and they'd get a kick right where it hurt, cos I'm monogamous.

 

Just now, GingerRose said:

For me romance would be such behaviours like holding hands, cuddling, hugs, kisses.

These can be platonic or familial. Romance isn't defined by actions, it's literally just a different feeling to friendship or familial love. 

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46 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Not accurate. It's caring differently to, not more than.

To me it's more for sure. And deeper.

 

I guess one thing that goes against saying more, is that when people break up, often they don't stay friends or care as much, and then when you compare with a bff or a parent that cares a lot for their kids all of their life, it seems to not be more, but I can't help how I feel in a romantic relationship, to me it's definitely more.

 

48 minutes ago, GingerRose said:

Romance I feel are things to do with someone that makes your relationship more enjoyable (I know not for everyone though) and it differs from sensual because sensual is more about turning a person on, but not with sex.

To me sensual is definitely not about turning someone on. It's all about physical affection. It's a language of love for me, and not like sex where arousal causes physical pleasure by itself. In other words the focus is on the emotional feel and closeness. I prefer to be sensual without being nude, because nude inches more on sexual. Skin on skin is still ok tho 😜

Also, romance doesn't have to be sensual. And someone can be loving someone and doing things with them and for them that adds meaning. If you know them personally, which deeper intimacy can get to, then you know them closer than anyone else and what feels meaningful. the trope about buying flowers is great, but only if they like flowers XD. It has special meaning universally, though it's just an example because things can have special meaning personally too. It's like finding ways to say I love you and that you have a special place in my heart.

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Anthracite_Impreza
5 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

To me it's more for sure. And deeper.

 

I guess one thing that goes against saying more, is that when people break up, often they don't stay friends or care as much, and then when you compare with a bff or a parent that cares a lot for their kids all of their life, it seems to not be more, but I can't help how I feel in a romantic relationship, to me it's definitely more.

Well that might be your version, but not the defining aspect of romance; to me if you haven't got a strong friendship underneath all that's keeping you together is effectively the limerencey chemicals that fade after only a few years. I think however, we can all agree at least it is different to non-romantic love.

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4 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Well that might be your version, but not the defining aspect of romance; to me if you haven't got a strong friendship underneath all that's keeping you together is effectively the limerencey chemicals that fade after only a few years. I think however, we can all agree at least it is different to non-romantic love.

Sure. I still care about my exes, at least the ones where we got to feel deeper. I don't think i'll stop loving them, though I do feel differently. When they want to stay friends and close, of course I want to. I sometimes feel surges of love back for them but I know they don't feel like I do or that it's better to stay friends so it takes me a bit to stay at friendship feelings XD

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'Romance' is, quite literally, a set of chemicals that create a specific set of feelings that we call "romantic attraction". How they manifest, and what you want to do as a result of them, differs massively from person-to-person.  The most common way to describe these feelings though is euphoria, a happy giddiness, a sweet ache, all directed at a specific person/object/fictional person which causes those feelings to stir within you. Some people want roses and chocolates as a result, some want to date, some want to admire from afar, some want monogamy, some despise monogamy: all those other factors vary. But romance itself, romantic feelings, are just a specific set of emotions created by chemicals (just like fear, joy, anger, stress - all chemical reactions that create a specific set of emotions experienced similarly by many people; but how they react to those feelings can vary greatly).

 

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Although I don't agree with everything from the presenter, I do mostly agree with his points in this video.

 

I have yet to find something that encapsulates the idea of romance quite so well.

 

I hope it at least gives you some ideas.

 

 

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3 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Not accurate. It's caring differently to, not more than

 

You sound like you could be romantic but polyamorous. Anyone else kissed my beau romantically and they'd get a kick right where it hurt, cos I'm monogamous.

 

These can be platonic or familial. Romance isn't defined by actions, it's literally just a different feeling to friendship or familial love. 

I don't think I am polyamorous, It's too much work hahahaha I'm not social and to manage a polyamorous relationship I think that someone has to be super social for the relationship to work. I prefer one person at a time lol

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Anthracite_Impreza
1 minute ago, luluco said:

I don't think I am polyamorous, It's too much work hahahaha I'm not social and to manage a polyamorous relationship I think that someone has to be super social for the relationship to work. I prefer one person at a time lol

Polyamory just means you can be in love with more than one at once, not necessarily that you have to or even seek it out. Someone who's monogamous can't have feelings for more than one at once, sustainably at least.

 

But if not, maybe you just have less 'possessiveness' than average (some level of possessiveness is normal in romantic relationships cos you want to be each others' "special one", and will typically feel jealous if that is threatened). 

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1 hour ago, argar said:

Although I don't agree with everything from the presenter, I do mostly agree with his points in this video.

 

I have yet to find something that encapsulates the idea of romance quite so well.

 

I hope it at least gives you some ideas.

 

 

I love this video it's exactly what I think, maybe what I don't get is romanticism but that would make me what? I thought of queerplatonic relationships but I don't know what is like to be part of one.

 

I feel identified with quoiromantic and queerplatonic but I'm still doubting because I've never been in that type of relationship.

 

I had boyfriends but I disappointed all of them with my beliefs on traditional romantic relationships. 

 

I don't get jealous at all if my partner is attracted to someone else, people exist, beautiful people exist, we have eyes hahahaha 

 

And I don't care about "oh, he kissed someone else" "flirted with someone else" for me is the fact of being dishonest and unclear with me, that would be "cheating" for me

 

I don't think we will last forever neither, I just go with the flow

 

I don't want to get married, neither have kids

 

I just want someone to care about me and vice versa, be special to someone and hang out together 

 

I think people make romanticism difficult or I am the difficult one

 

So... Yeah for romantic people I'm not to romantic, so I'm confused 

 

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15 minutes ago, Anthracite_Impreza said:

Polyamory just means you can be in love with more than one at once, not necessarily that you have to or even seek it out. Someone who's monogamous can't have feelings for more than one at once, sustainably at least.

 

But if not, maybe you just have less 'possessiveness' than average (some level of possessiveness is normal in romantic relationships cos you want to be each others' "special one", and will typically feel jealous if that is threatened). 

Hmmm... The thing is that I never loved someone other than my mom and brother, I have had crushes (two at the same time for example) but these doesn't last that much other than a month or two

 

 

I don't know maybe I have met the "right" person, who knows

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Anthracite_Impreza

If you've had crushes (that were actually crushes), that implies you are capable of some level of romantic feeling so yeah, you probably haven't met The Right One yet.

 

Alternatively they weren't crushes but the platonic version - squishes - which could mean you're aro (though romantics can also have squishes, they aren't exclusive to aros).

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DarkStormyKnight

Yo I relate to the name of this thread so much. 🤣 

Honestly I think of romance as a certain intention behind your relationship with another person. You want to make long-term plans together and make decisions based on keeping this person in your life. Doesn't really matter so much what you do physically, you can do that with anyone.

I will just put it out there that I learned via my therapist that most allos define romantic attraction as sexual attraction. So tbh, I don't think anyone really knows what romantic attraction specifically is, we just come up with different signs of romance based on who we are and call it a day. My point is, if you're confused it's alright!! Everyone is.

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SunlitMoonlight

Idk my friend, my view of romance is very interesting and involves dying in the hunger games and kicking people in the face and dancing with people to moody songs on a rainy day and reading together and hand holding and kissing and lots of compliments and a beauty they have just because they're them and you can't put your finger on what it is exactly and this just super warm feeling that makes you relax inside in a specific way when you're around someone i guess. There's just this nice feeling of "I'm with you" when you're around them, in my opinion.  Sometimes it lasts a long time, like a cloud, and it doesn't go away just because you shove it off, a little bit like when you get gasoline on yourself and it just stinks up your car and your skin and your clothes and its just it just clings to you all day. Furthermore, romance is also not giving up, no matter what those dumb movies and books try to pound into your head, about how complicated love is, and how many factors go into it, the main one is that love is not giving up on a person, and gently pushing them to become better. It's respect and it's trust and if those things aren't there life just sucks cause then you become addicted to the pain that started as a little flicker of something long ago and is now making you crack at the edges because its falling apart and you don't know how to stop it. Romance is blindness, and romance is seeing far too clearly, all at once. 

Then again, i have exactly 2 failed less than 4 month long relationships under my belt and one of em didn't even call himself my boyfriend, so what do i know?

but yeah to each their own idea of romance, and you don't have to have it all figured out. I sure as frick don't lol. 

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23 hours ago, PanFicto. said:

'Romance' is, quite literally, a set of chemicals that create a specific set of feelings that we call "romantic attraction". How they manifest, and what you want to do as a result of them, differs massively from person-to-person.  The most common way to describe these feelings though is euphoria, a happy giddiness, a sweet ache, all directed at a specific person/object/fictional person which causes those feelings to stir within you. Some people want roses and chocolates as a result, some want to date, some want to admire from afar, some want monogamy, some despise monogamy: all those other factors vary. But romance itself, romantic feelings, are just a specific set of emotions created by chemicals (just like fear, joy, anger, stress - all chemical reactions that create a specific set of emotions experienced similarly by many people; but how they react to those feelings can vary greatly).

 

Yes, this. This is what I wish I could put into words but just can’t seem to.

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I think I'm going to identify myself as a quoiromantic because I've always been confused about romance hahaha

 

And my crushes feel different from what other people feel (I received a lot of negative feedback saying that my idea of a crush or love is cold) 

 

I can't know if I will ever fall in love but yeah, I discovered that romantic love is very subjective 😂

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