I need some new light! Thanks!

[MarySea]

Hello, 

 

I'm fairly new here and this is my first post. I've been questioning whether I'm ace or not for some time.

Here is my story: I'm a cis-female of (newly) 28. I've never really had a boyfriend, I was in a brief relationship at the beginning of this year. I've never had sex. I think the reason I've never been in a relationship is because I know sex is not as important to me as most people. I'm a pretty self-conscious person so I often feel anxious in situations I'm not comfortable with (usually any new experiences...).

 

For a few months I've been wondering if I've ever experienced a sexual attraction. I came to the conclusion that I don't really know what a sexual attraction is, to begin with, which makes me think that I've never lived one, since I think I would know otherwise?. I've been reading about its physiological effects (feeling warm, being physically attracted to the person and wanting to touch/cuddle with that person, etc.) and I definitely don't remember a time where it happened to me.

 

It's confusing to me because I have a libido and I masturbate pretty frequently, which makes me think that I might enjoy sex, with the right person.

I've been in a couple of awkward interactions where men expressed their feelings for me and saying that they think it was reciprocal because of my behaviour but I know for a fact that I don't, consciously at least, do anything to attract sexual feelings (I'm just a nice person, mostly with everyone and even when I don't feel like it, I smile most of the time!). 

That being said, I know I want to be in a relationship: having a partner, someone I could share a life and some adventures with and feel safe and protected. I even think I might want children, someday, maybe.

I wondered as well if I was demisexual, since I usually need to know a person well to feel comfortable and relax, even with friends. But in that case, I guess you can't know until you've experienced a sexual attraction toward someone you have a strong connexion with, at least it's what I read a few times.

 

Anyway, I've been seating with this on my own for months now and I think I need some new perspective.

I thank every person that'll read/reply to my post (I apologize for the long post :D) and will welcome any point of view, suggestion of advice at this point, so thanks!

[Libellule]

Welcome!  🍰 

If you haven't done it already, I would suggest you look into the resources on here, especially the pinned threads in the Questions about Asexuality forum. I've found them very helpful. However, you don't need to decide whether you are ace or demi immediately. You can take as much time as you need to figure things out, and it's also okay to change your mind. I've read some people's posts on here who initially thought they were ace and then got into a relationship in which they experienced sexual attraction, and now consider themselves demi, for example. You also don't need to choose a label at all if you feel that they restrict you.

Just to address what you said about enjoying sex, it is possible for someone who is asexual to enjoy sex. I had this misconception that it wasn't possible for a very long time and always thought that's why I couldn't be ace. The difference is that they don't have any desire for it and don't experience sexual attraction to people. 

 

Oh, and I completely relate to the awkward interactions with men that you mentioned. I'm quite the same - always trying my best to be friendly with people and smiling a lot but for me that's just part of being a nice person - and it amazes me how often it is misread as flirting.

[MarySea]

Hi,

 

Thank you for your welcome and reply, @fairyofsuburbia.

Yes, I already checked the pinned threads but I guess as my questioning is evolving, it can be helpful to check back on them, so I'll do that again.

 

You're right, I don't need a label and I kind of dislike them since they are often used my people to judge and mistreat the person being labeled... at the same time, I know that using correctly, they can be useful and empowering. 

 

Thanks for your input, it is helpful! 😃