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Asexual partner cannot have sex, open relationship not working


SadPP

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I just … saw this thread and thought … I really hope @SadPP isn't the username you bring to the dating sites. 😬

I mean, as an attitude thing, desperation and self-pity are huge turn offs. Sorry that's not very empathic, but. I suspect you should be thinking about "polyamory" rather than trying to score NSA sex for the sadPP. I mean, yes there's folks out there just looking to land some NSA, but (a) they tend to have more testosterone, (b) NSA might a bit of a validation thing & it's not very validating to score with someone that's trying to score because they can't with their partner. (Unfortunately, the thought is probably reasonably going to be: "if their partner rejects them, I suspect there's a reason for that")

Maybe read up on polyamory, see if that is something you both think you could live & do; if so, absorb the mindset and learn about how people do it thoughtfully – in addition to being up front about it to filter out anyone uncomfortable with it.

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On 9/23/2020 at 4:29 PM, PanFicto. said:

Slightly off topic sorry, but this is a perfect example of how little the medical field (and 'professional' people in general) know about female sexuality.

 

I keep seeing people say things like "studies have been done that prove it's easier for a woman to go without sex than a man" yada yada. But being in a sexless relationship can be just as painful for a woman as it is for a man, and on the flipside some men (and some women) can handle it easily. Human sexuality can't all just be boxed into "men can't live without sex but it's easier for women", that idea just makes me so mad because after having been on AVEN since 2013 I've seen so many female sexual partners of aces who are in so much pain and experience so much sexual frustration and sadness due to having an asexual partner. Sex is a huge emotional component of a relationship for almost all sexual people, regardless of their gender, and going without can be very painful on many levels. Yet people to this day insist that going without sex is relatively easy for women and that 'studies prove it' (we had someone on AVEN make a whole thread about it a few months ago, how women are naturally inclined towards celibacy and other such nonsense).

 

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for the off topic rant. I just wanted to point out that people in your situation prove it can be just as painful for a woman as it is for a man, and they need to burn those stupid studies that say otherwise - with misinformation like that floating around no 'professional' will truly be able to understand a woman's suffering in a sexless relationship (they seem to have enough trouble understanding the dynamics in a sexless relationship at all really, especially when it comes to asexuality being involved). I'm sorry for what you are experiencing (same for @SadPP too)  and hopefully things will get better soon whatever you decide to do :c 

 

 

Thank you, this has helped, this page has some very good people. 

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1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

I just … saw this thread and thought … I really hope @SadPP isn't the username you bring to the dating sites. 😬

I mean, as an attitude thing, desperation and self-pity are huge turn offs. Sorry that's not very empathic, but. I suspect you should be thinking about "polyamory" rather than trying to score NSA sex for the sadPP. I mean, yes there's folks out there just looking to land some NSA, but (a) they tend to have more testosterone, (b) NSA might a bit of a validation thing & it's not very validating to score with someone that's trying to score because they can't with their partner. (Unfortunately, the thought is probably reasonably going to be: "if their partner rejects them, I suspect there's a reason for that")

Maybe read up on polyamory, see if that is something you both think you could live & do; if so, absorb the mindset and learn about how people do it thoughtfully – in addition to being up front about it to filter out anyone uncomfortable with it.

Self deprecating humor is my thing. I will read up on it thank you. 

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Mountain House
5 hours ago, SadPP said:

Self deprecating humor is my thing.

The unfortunate part though is others will quickly stop seeing the humor.

 

5 hours ago, SadPP said:

I will read up on it thank you. 

Good!

 

I'm new and don't know anything

 

Scroll down a ways to find the gold...

Pay particular attention to the first steps.

 

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8 hours ago, SadPP said:

Self deprecating humor is my thing. I will read up on it thank you. 

I think it’s a serious issue, to have a partner that doesn’t want to be sexual with you.
 

I mean, yes, humor can help diffuse some pretty serious topics. But unless self deprecation is rooted in strong self esteem & being comfortable and confidence in the situation, personally I think it’s going to come off as a red flag... at least to me, it would come off as you feeling sorry for yourself while refusing to be honest/vulnerable about how it affects you.

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On 9/25/2020 at 1:23 PM, anisotrophic said:

I mean, yes, humor can help diffuse some pretty serious topics. But unless self deprecation is rooted in strong self esteem & being comfortable and confidence in the situation, personally I think it’s going to come off as a red flag... at least to me, it would come off as you feeling sorry for yourself while refusing to be honest/vulnerable about how it affects you.

I'm guessing that the screen name he uses here is probably not used on dating websites, but I think anisotrophic makes a good point in how you present the idea to potential sexual partners.  I agree, having to seek sex outside of one's primary relationship can initially feel almost like you have something you need to explain/defend somehow. I am not polyamorous by nature, so approaching it this way is different from what I would normally choose to do.

 

People who are polyamorous /open (and not simply seeking sex as something which is not supplied in their romantic relationship- the situation OP and I are in) have an edge in that they are generally unapologetic about their decision to relate that way. It's their chosen life style, and in a way I would think that makes seeking out sexual partners/experiences easier to approach in a confident manner.

 

Sad, I think something you and I can approach others with in a confident way (although this quite definitely runs against the current of how we may be used to relating, ei 1:1)  is that we love our partners, but we know ourselves enough to seek what we need in life, in a way that is considerate of our specific asexual partners (not all can or would agree to an open relationship).

 

I agree with anisotrophic that it's never a good idea to lead with self pity or self denigration.  To me, I figured your "handle" here was just a humorous way to tell us how it feels to be in a relationship that lacks sex when you are yourself a sexual person. If however, you do use this user name on dating sites and it works, please tell me. I'll start my next profile with the name "sad pouty lips"🤣

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On 9/23/2020 at 5:29 PM, PanFicto. said:

Anyway, I'm sorry for the off topic rant. I just wanted to point out that people in your situation prove it can be just as painful for a woman as it is for a man, and they need to burn those stupid studies that say otherwise - with misinformation like that floating around no 'professional' will truly be able to understand a woman's suffering in a sexless relationship (they seem to have enough trouble understanding the dynamics in a sexless relationship at all really, especially when it comes to asexuality being involved). I'm sorry for what you are experiencing (same for @SadPP too)  and hopefully things will get better soon whatever you decide to do :c 

 

 

Agreed, not on the OP's topic, but it felt quite validating to have this acknowledged. Mileage may vary, and just as not all men should be expected to like sex, people should not assume it's something all women could take or leave.

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For the OP - much as you love this person, can you be happy like this for the rest of your life?  Only you know the answer to this.

 

For the rest - there is huge variation in people's sexual interests, both in  frequency and in the activities that they enjoy.  The "averages" are not a good indication of what any individual enjoys. 

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@SadPP sage advice from @anisotrophic

Also, there are many, many, many women out there who are looking for attached men, for a myriad of reasons, but most of them want someone confident and levelheaded. Some may want an NSA random hookup, but most will detect if that is all you want. Aim to make friends that can lead to sex. Be open to the idea of sharing a little more of yourself and with women outside of your typical "type", whatever that may be. You might find it all less stressful, and a lot more rewarding. Best of luck to you both, and always leave the option of being just friends on the table with your SO. You can always have a spiritual and emotional connection with a friend.

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