Asexual partner cannot have sex, open relationship not working

[SadPP]

My partner is tired of faking sex, she has been pressured into sex by other partners and possibly pressured by me when we didn't under she was asexual. I have 0 sexual standards for her now, because i get off on my partner getting off, and it literally pains her to even give me head now and I refuse to put her in uncomfortable situations like that. Now I feel legitimately unloved, I can't choke the chicken without tearing up somtimes and idk if I'm laughing about that because its funny or because its sad.🤣Anyway, anything anyone can offer would help. Not much for reaching out to people but the VA is slow to give therapy and i figured id get some insight here. Thanks 

[Guest]

I can only suggest that you break up as partners so both can begin to heal and (eventually) maybe even find someone new who is more intimately compatible with each of your own personal needs. Of course while remaining friends if possible so you can continue to support each other during this trying time.

 

No one should have to feel the way you are feeling, but you will not be able to stop feeling this way as long as you are in a relationship with her due to the fact that for you as a non-asexual person, your romantic feelings and sexual desire are integral aspects of one another. She won't ever be able to meet your needs.

 

No one should ever have to feel the way she feels, when giving sex that will cause her emotional harm or not giving sex and having a deeply unhappy partner (which will also call cause emotional harm) are the only two options she has.

 

Together, you will both continue to feel this pain (because even if she isn't having sex with you, she knows you are hurting due to her inability to want sex, and that makes her hurt just as you are hurting), but apart while remaining as friends, you may both be able to seek and achieve are more compatible romantic dynamic with someone else, once you have healed from the pain of romantic separation.

 

This is the only advice I can give sorry. But good luck with whatever you end up doing

[MakeupJunkie4]

I agree with PanFicto ^ I hope you guys can part ways peaceably and still be friends. ❤️ 

[Sally]

I agree also.  The two of you are different in this very important respect, and neither of you are going to change into different people who can be compatible.  Sad, but true.  

[SadPP]

I don't think thats an option, i have a spiritual, and emotional connection with this person. Sex is temporary, and while important, she is willing to open the relationship, we've been doing this awhile. Its just that most women want nothing to do with a situation like mine. 

[SadPP]

I definitely need more opinions, we've been dating for 3 years, we don't want to break up, there have to be some other similar situations people have been in. Please ask around. 

[SithLord]

You don't want to break up, but think about how a relationship can go forward with both of you being happy and satisfied in your relationship. What would be the bare minimum you'd need? What's the bare minimum she would need? Is there anyway there is any overlap that allows for you both to be happy together?

[Guest]

If you've already agreed to opening up the relationship and that isn't working, compromise won't work because she's not OK with sex at all and you aren't OK with celibacy... I don't really know what to suggest. Those are the options available. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, SadPP said:

she is willing to open the relationship, we've been doing this awhile. Its just that most women want nothing to do with a situation like mine. 

 

1 hour ago, SadPP said:

I definitely need more opinions,

If opening the relationship isn't working, and she cannot be comfortable with giving you sex, and you cannot be happy without sex, there literally isn't any other option, beyond you seeing prostitutes if you could both be okay with that, but I'm guessing not or you would have tried that already. There isn't some magic pill either to make her want sex or to make you stop wanting it, sorry :c

 

1 hour ago, SadPP said:

there have to be some other similar situations people have been in. Please ask around. 

Everyone who has answered has either been in a mixed relationship, is in one now, or at the very least has been involved with many discussions with others in this situation on AVEN. You aren't going to get different advice than what we have given you here sorry. There are people on AVEN who have made mixed sexual/asexual relationships work, but that almost exclusively only happens when the asexual partner is okay with giving sex sometimes (or at least some forms of sexual contact) AND at the same time, the sexual partner can still be content going without. There are plenty of totally celibate mixed relationships on AVEN, but it doesn't sound like you can be happy with that, and it absolutely does not sound like she can be okay with giving sex (and even if she could grit her teeth and give it to you, you couldn't get any enjoyment from it knowing she doesn't want it for her own pleasure).. So remaining as friends while you break up and seek romantic intimacy elsewhere (once you have both healed) is really the only possible option left that I can see, sorry. There just doesn't seem to be any other option that won't leave you both unhappy long-term, based on what you have explained in your opening post :c 

[SadPP]

Opening the relationship dosent work because many women don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has a girlfriend. She's even wingmaned me and chicks usally wanna go home with her instead. She more than okay with me seeking sex from someone else. The problem is no one wants that. Mabye its covid? We've been in an open relationship for 1 year and ive gone on one successful date. The interest is always lost early when they find out i have a gf. I understand why, but its a problem. Shes content, she feels loved, I'm the one who feels like hes got a super attractive roommate. 

[SadPP]

Also, ive thought about getting a prostitute but its so akward. Also, i am poor student unfortunately.

[Guest]

27 minutes ago, SadPP said:

Opening the relationship dosent work because many women don't want to be in a relationship with someone who has a girlfriend. She's even wingmaned me and chicks usally wanna go home with her instead. She more than okay with me seeking sex from someone else. The problem is no one wants that. Mabye its covid? We've been in an open relationship for 1 year and ive gone on one successful date. The interest is always lost early when they find out i have a gf. I understand why, but its a problem. Shes content, she feels loved, I'm the one who feels like hes got a super attractive roommate. 

Well what we are saying is if the open relationship isn't working, then there isn't anything else you can do because nothing can make you want sex less, or make her want sex more. Have you tried joining websites like OKCupid and other more local places (like Tinder) expressing that you seek no-strings-attached sex as you have a gf? Women seeking that kind of thing want you to be up-front about it so they know before they even contact you. Women don't want to find out on the first date that you have a gf (as they'd have been expecting an exclusive relationship eventually) and the ones who wouldn't mind want to know before you even go on the first date.. they want to know when they first read your profile! But yeah you are right, there really aren't many women who actually want that unfortunately.

[SadPP]

Yea im really open about it and im on 3 dating websites. And honestly im kinda obsessed with them, i really don't have my phone this often but i really need to feel that physical relationship again. Trying to talk to women on these sites takes up too much of my time. Thanks for responding. 

[Sea Lemon]

Nobody can wave a wand and make you suddenly compatible. You have fundamentally different needs in a relationship and no amount of asking for solutions will change that. 

 

It's going to hurt, perhaps a lot, but surely ripping the plaster off now is better than both of you suffering for decades in a relationship that meets neither of your needs. 

[Guest]

11 hours ago, SadPP said:

Yea im really open about it and im on 3 dating websites. And honestly im kinda obsessed with them, i really don't have my phone this often but i really need to feel that physical relationship again. Trying to talk to women on these sites takes up too much of my time. Thanks for responding. 

Well, then just try to find a way to meet women locally who are into open casual sex. There isn't much else to do. Maybe speed dating or something. 

[Mountain House]

12 hours ago, SadPP said:

Trying to talk to women on these sites takes up too much of my time.

Be very explicit in your profile.  Let your profile do the filtering to limit this to just potentials.

[SadPP]

Thank you all for the help. 

[Steadystate44]

On 9/20/2020 at 7:33 PM, SadPP said:

My partner is tired of faking sex, she has been pressured into sex by other partners and possibly pressured by me when we didn't under she was asexual. I have 0 sexual standards for her now, because i get off on my partner getting off, and it literally pains her to even give me head now and I refuse to put her in uncomfortable situations like that. Now I feel legitimately unloved, I can't choke the chicken without tearing up somtimes and idk if I'm laughing about that because its funny or because its sad.🤣Anyway, anything anyone can offer would help. Not much for reaching out to people but the VA is slow to give therapy and i figured id get some insight here. Thanks 

Okay, Sad, so I can relate a little too well. I too have experienced tearing up after well, whatever the female equivalent of "choking the chicken" is called. For me I think the reason for that is 1. sex is something I really enjoy and need, pretty much the only thing that creates the intensity of pleasure that that does, and 2. the notion that the man I would most want to experience that with is asexual. It is both sad and kind of humorous.

 

 

Like you, we had been together for a while before there was any indication that he was asexual, so some pretty intense emotional connection has evolved.

 

Very much like the way you phrase "... when we didn't understand she was asexual." I like it because it acknowledges that asexuals are not trying to trick allosexuals into relationships, get them hooked emotionally, then leave them high and dry. In many cases they are attempting to engage in a relationship that includes sex when they figure out it is part of who they are. In our case, we had thought it was a trauma in his past and he even had encouragement from a therapist to "fake it til he made it". Believe me, from the presenting appearance of this guy, I would never in a million years have guessed he was asexual. Our second time of being together (dated before, this time in a romantic relationship), he said he would try but couldn't promise for like a year and a half. My frustration with no movement was creating resentment.

 

We are currently trying the open relationship structure.

 

 

On 9/20/2020 at 8:17 PM, SadPP said:

I don't think thats an option, i have a spiritual, and emotional connection with this person. Sex is temporary, and while important, she is willing to open the relationship, we've been doing this awhile. Its just that most women want nothing to do with a situation like mine. 

Relate to this too. I love him a lot. I love him too much to require him to have sex or to leave him because we aren't having sex. I'm not saying open relationship and staying are the answer, just saying I can understand why it would be hard to leave. I feel like in all other respects, this is the relationship I want.

 

I have not tried the personal messaging on here (if that's an option) but feel free to ask whatever you like. I too am on here getting support so I don't pretend to have the answers all figured out.

 

I think the other people who posted to this are relating just how difficult it can be to try to make something work when the difference is so great. 

 

 

[SadPP]

This helped the most, im happy im not alone but im sorry you have to go through it too. Id love to talk more, but i haven't tried to dm anyone. 

[Mountain House]

10 hours ago, SadPP said:

im happy im not alone

You are not alone.  Your story, her story, ... I've lived it.  Down to:

19 hours ago, Steadystate44 said:

we had thought it was a trauma ... past and ... had encouragement ... to "fake it ...

Oh man.  Those professionals can't be aware of how damaging that advice can be.  [I had to quote that part because it just kills me.]

 

And learning to resent masturbation: that too is probably due "encouragement". You know, different libido so resolve the issue yourself becomes masturbation is a substitute for sex.  That doesn't work.  I used to be a damn good lover to myself.  Now I struggle even though I know where that resentment came from and know without a doubt that the reason is false.

 

My wife has declared herself on the asexual spectrum.  By our best understanding of the labels used here she is demi-sexual so not sex-averse, mostly sex-not interested, and sometime in a mysteriously baffling context*, sex-desiring.   *She can't explain it, there is no pattern, I can't reproduce any part of it except being available, and I've given up trying to decipher it.

 

So yeah, our stories are a little different.  All of our stories are going to be a little different but the basic thread lives here.  You are not alone.

 

Oh, in edit:  Absolutely PM/DM if you desire and I mean that.  But your story is rare as human relationships go and you've already shown you can talk open at least a little bit about it.  This situation (ace/aro) tends to unhappiness and people that come here and really read these threads are looking for ideas/hope/compassion as they struggle and people that openly talk about it lend help to those that can't.  (And besides, you might get mores ideas floating around your particular case.) 

[Guest]

On 9/23/2020 at 5:07 AM, Steadystate44 said:

Okay, Sad, so I can relate a little too well. I too have experienced tearing up after well, whatever the female equivalent of "choking the chicken" is called. For me I think the reason for that is 1. sex is something I really enjoy and need, pretty much the only thing that creates the intensity of pleasure that that does, and 2. the notion that the man I would most want to experience that with is asexual. It is both sad and kind of humorous.

Slightly off topic sorry, but this is a perfect example of how little the medical field (and 'professional' people in general) know about female sexuality.

 

I keep seeing people say things like "studies have been done that prove it's easier for a woman to go without sex than a man" yada yada. But being in a sexless relationship can be just as painful for a woman as it is for a man, and on the flipside some men (and some women) can handle it easily. Human sexuality can't all just be boxed into "men can't live without sex but it's easier for women", that idea just makes me so mad because after having been on AVEN since 2013 I've seen so many female sexual partners of aces who are in so much pain and experience so much sexual frustration and sadness due to having an asexual partner. Sex is a huge emotional component of a relationship for almost all sexual people, regardless of their gender, and going without can be very painful on many levels. Yet people to this day insist that going without sex is relatively easy for women and that 'studies prove it' (we had someone on AVEN make a whole thread about it a few months ago, how women are naturally inclined towards celibacy and other such nonsense).

 

 

Anyway, I'm sorry for the off topic rant. I just wanted to point out that people in your situation prove it can be just as painful for a woman as it is for a man, and they need to burn those stupid studies that say otherwise - with misinformation like that floating around no 'professional' will truly be able to understand a woman's suffering in a sexless relationship (they seem to have enough trouble understanding the dynamics in a sexless relationship at all really, especially when it comes to asexuality being involved). I'm sorry for what you are experiencing (same for @SadPP too)  and hopefully things will get better soon whatever you decide to do :c 

 

 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

Was that the same thread where the OP claimed that desiring penetration was learnt and not fairly innate? 🙄

Yeah and that only submissive women think they want to be penetrated as a result of learning they have to be attracted to bad boys or some such nonsense. Wasn't the argument also that like, women are just naturally submissive and so will seek dominant men to be penetrated by because they've been told that's what they're meant to want? I got so mad in that thread, lol. It's not like, uuuum, some women might just naturally love the feeling if being penetrated and actively desire it for their own pleasure. That totally couldn't be possible. It must be some patriarchal misogynistic thing and that includes women who penetrate themselves during masturbation and lesbians too I'm sure.. all victims of the patriarchy!

[Guest]

I remember I once asked about lesbians and yeah... its an... interesting feminist theory...

 

I dont personally like PiV, but I also mainly have had negative experiences with it (pain, bleeding, etc). But even I get some women like it.  

[Guest]

5 hours ago, CBC said:

I made such a terrible lesbian when I thought I may just be gay, lol. I'd make an even worse one now. 😂

I prefer "lesbian" styles to PiV and stuff. 😛

[Guest]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

I'll just take it all, haha. When it comes to partnered stuff, I actually have a better track record of getting off with PiV than manual or oral, though. 

Only way I've managed is via manual or with toys. 

[Guest]

1 minute ago, CBC said:

The manual stuff was boring and/or unpleasantly painful because of weird angles and stabby fingernails.

Hm. We don't do weird angles and my wife keeps her fingernails neat  

[ryn2]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

oh, almost there... almost... so close... not quite... fuck it, this is frustrating... just fake an orgasm and get it over with.

LOL, so true.

[Traveler40]

1 hour ago, CBC said:

oh, almost there... almost... so close... not quite... fuck it, this is frustrating... just fake an orgasm and get it over with.

That’s hilarious and quite true. 😬
 

 

EDIT: Jinx @ryn2 5 minutes delayed...🙄

[ryn2]

Clearly we have all been there, done that!  XD

[ryn2]

Yes, very true.