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Broaching conversation about compromise


Earthkingdomgeneral

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Earthkingdomgeneral

Hello all,

 

I (M) am in a  two year relationship with someone that just came out as a Graysexual. We are both fairly new to the nuances of the ace community and lifestyles. 

 

We have been working on having a healthy sex life up to this point with individual and couples therapy thinking the lack of sex, affection and intimacy were due to past trauma. 

 

Me having a hyper active libido, took all the problems and caused me to internalized them. Her being less than an active libido, repelling against coming in for hugs, being propositioned for intimacy, and intimacy overall. She'll go through spurts of being sexual and other times not. Thus, feeding into the feeling of pressure and letting the other down, an never ending deprecating cycle. 

 

For my question, while working on this new dynamic in our relationship, we want to talk about sexual compromises and what the options could be. More importantly, what approaches to the topic of compromises worked for you all? What compromises seem to have worked individually for you?

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I don't have much experience in the field of sexuality, but as an ace (f) dating an allosexual (m) the main piece of advice I can give you is to feel things out, see what is okay for both of you, at what times, and always gently back off whenever your partner shows reluctance or repulsion. I don't know what its like for your partner, but sex repulsion varies from a range of feelings. For me, it's a nauseous, sickly and anxiety inducing feeling, but it wears off over time. Of course, it's probably common sense not to force your partner to do anything sexual they don't want to do, but with sex repulsed folk, you'll want to be extra careful.

 

I can't tell you what sort of compromises work and don't work because you'll always be different from the next couple, and need to slowly help each other figure it out, and discuss what is and isn't okay, and when. And while it's important to allow her to go at her own pace, remember not to force or pressure yourself to do anything you don't want to just because you don't want to waste when she's in the mood. 

 

Always try to be patient, pay close attention to patterns or hints to help yourself understand her better, and remember that it isn't your fault she is this way. Any lack of attraction she has for you isn't because you aren't attractive to her, so remind yourself not to sew any doubts.

 

I think you're already off to a great start trying to research and look for first hand advice to learn about her sexuality. The rest is about communication.

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Mountain House
On 9/20/2020 at 8:49 AM, Earthkingdomgeneral said:

...due to past trauma. 

That advice was very damaging for us.  It may be true for many people but all it did was make my wife feel broken.  We are 9 months into our understanding of asexuality and she still struggles with feeling broken.  Small things will trigger this and she will sink into a well of guilt.  I wish I could erase this for her.

 

On 9/20/2020 at 8:49 AM, Earthkingdomgeneral said:

For my question, while working on this new dynamic in our relationship, we want to talk about sexual compromises and what the options could be. More importantly, what approaches to the topic of compromises worked for you all? What compromises seem to have worked individually for you?

This is a great question and a books worth of a thread has been swimming around in my head trying to get me to write about it here in the off chance that it might help someone.

 

So let's see if I can condense it.  (the crowd chuckles and shakes their heads...)  I'm a science(y) guy so expect a bit of science(y) vocabulary.

 

Oh heck, I did a terrible job.  I'm going to have to write the whole story.  3 paragraphs in and I barely touched on the road we travelled.

 

Copied from another post I made, It's important to the story: My wife has declared herself on the asexual spectrum.  By our best understanding of the labels used here she is demi-sexual so not sex-averse, mostly sex-not interested, and sometime in a mysteriously baffling context, sex-desiring.

 

Super condensed:

 

Know what you really need.  Sometimes it isn't sex but feeling connected/that you matter/needed/not alone.  For me, sometimes, a cuddle/hug where I am targeted (a cuddle at me not a cuddle with me if that makes sense) can get me what I need at the moment.

 

Stop initiating sex.  Yeah, that's hard.  I can't be happy without sex and my wife knows that.   I let her know when that's what I need but can still maintain patience.  We still struggle here but the sex we do share is super special to me so I see it as worth the wait.  We are hoping to get to where I can ask for sex but we aren't there yet.

 

Talk.  I can't tell you how much this has helped.  I don't even know how to explain this but when the rejection monster is trying to take control of my brain she can kill it with just a few words.  It magnified when she understood that sex is something different to me than to her.

 

Kink.  Yep, that surprised us.  Maybe I should tell this story:  [back story, we worked through this in phases. In this phase we are experimenting with the idea of "making love" to each other.  We've scheduled a day a week where for each of us to be the object.]  So, it is her day to make love to me.  All ideas are on the table and it does not have to be/include sex.  She doesn't want sex and has no ideas.  So we start chatting and remember that when we do have sex, after I have an orgasm, my skin is insanely sensitive and she likes to run her nails up and down my sides and I love the adrenaline induces quaking, so I suggest maybe we try just the nail thing.  Maybe we can get the adrenaline thing going without the sex part.  She confirms that there does not need to be any genitals involved. 

[dramatization]

Her:  What do I do?

Me: I don't know, just do the nail thing.

Her: How will we know we are done?

me: Let's say a half hour and then we are done.

Her: <looking hesitant> Don't watch, I don't know what I am doing.

Me: When we bought lube that one time we got a free blindfold.  It's around here somewhere.  I'll wear it.

 

She proceeds to take me to an experience that I know now as sub-space.  It was an hour and 40 minutes.  She not only was okay with it but enjoys it and plans it sometimes now.  We had no idea what we were doing and later researched and found that it is called sensation play.  It is kink.  It falls under the BDSM umbrella.  I like it.  A lot.  It isn't sex per se, and can't be a total substitute for me, but it is intensely intimate.  Who woulda thunk...  (And yeah, she has expanded beyond her nails.  She comes up with that stuff.  :) )

 

Yeah, super condensed...

 

In Edit:  I don't really consider our approach an approach towards compromise.  To me, compromise is a lose/lose proposition.  I know it's probably the best word to use in this circumstance but I still cling to the positive idea of seeking win/win.  This may mean that what I've told you here is not the end all of our story but the above has given us both positive feels.

 

Yeah, another edit:  And I have a whole new perspective of the BDSM world.  There are many avenues I won't visit but I sort of get it now.  :)

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