Is my wife asexual? I think so. Trying to cope.

[ryn2]

33 minutes ago, CBC said:

I know he felt love, but I've no evidence that he felt any sort of passion.

I didn’t really see what anisotrophic was describing as passion, though.

 

35 minutes ago, CBC said:

having OCD qualifies as being neurodivergent

Huh, guess that makes me neurodivergent as well.

[ryn2]

22 minutes ago, CBC said:

Welcome to the club.

Heh, I’ve apparently been in it way longer than you.

[vega57]

1 hour ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I would have to strongly disagree with that.

 

If we'd go by ratio, I think there's probably just as many sexuals who aren't able to connect strongly as asexuals.
Or just, asexuals are able to feel strong feelings connecting to someone.

(Obviously different for aromantic, can't speak for them)

I agree.  Not only that, but there are also sexuals who have sex, but not in order to 'connect' at all.  

 

Years ago, a study was conducted regarding the reasons that people have sex.  The study was divided into 2 parts.  The first part had to do with asking the participants to list all of the reasons why they had sex.  They were basically given a blank sheet of paper, and told, "Ready, set, begin writing!"  They had to come up with their own individual reasons.  The researchers collected the responses and weeded out repeat answers.  The 700+ responses were boiled down to 237.  

 

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-007-9175-2

 

What I found interesting about those 237 reasons was that not a single of them said anything about wanting to "feel connected" to someone.  The participants ranged from 17 to 52 years old.  Some married...some living with someone...some single and/or divorced, and all stages in between.  

 

I also realized that even if someone did feel a "connection" to someone they had sex with, it doesn't mean that the person they had sex with was feeling a "connection" toward them.  Plus,  the person who feels that "connection" today, may have sex with the same person, but for a completely different reason tomorrow.  

 

Interesting study, to say the least.  

[Guest]

5 hours ago, vega57 said:

I agree.  Not only that, but there are also sexuals who have sex, but not in order to 'connect' at all.  

 

Years ago, a study was conducted regarding the reasons that people have sex.  The study was divided into 2 parts.  The first part had to do with asking the participants to list all of the reasons why they had sex.  They were basically given a blank sheet of paper, and told, "Ready, set, begin writing!"  They had to come up with their own individual reasons.  The researchers collected the responses and weeded out repeat answers.  The 700+ responses were boiled down to 237.  

 

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10508-007-9175-2

 

What I found interesting about those 237 reasons was that not a single of them said anything about wanting to "feel connected" to someone.  The participants ranged from 17 to 52 years old.  Some married...some living with someone...some single and/or divorced, and all stages in between.  

 

I also realized that even if someone did feel a "connection" to someone they had sex with, it doesn't mean that the person they had sex with was feeling a "connection" toward them.  Plus,  the person who feels that "connection" today, may have sex with the same person, but for a completely different reason tomorrow.  

 

Interesting study, to say the least.  

Number 16 in the top 50 reason given in that study is "I wanted to feel connected to the person".

 

Other top 50 reasons which can mean much the same thing are:

I desired emotional closeness (i.e., intimacy)

I wanted to increase the emotional bond by having sex

I wanted to intensify my relationship

I wanted to communicate at a ‘‘deeper’’ level

I wanted to become one with another person

[vega57]

7 minutes ago, theV0ID said:

Number 16 in the top 50 reason given in that study is "I wanted to feel connected to the person".

 

Other top 50 reasons which can mean much the same thing are:

I desired emotional closeness (i.e., intimacy)

I wanted to increase the emotional bond by having sex

I wanted to intensify my relationship

I wanted to communicate at a ‘‘deeper’’ level

I wanted to become one with another person

Hmm...I'm looking at the link and I see Number 16 as "It's fun"...

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, vega57 said:

Hmm...I'm looking at the link and I see Number 16 as "It's fun"...

"It's fun" was the 16th option in the questionnaire in the Appendix. That is not the results.

You can read the full article here https://briefingroom.typepad.com/the_briefing_room/files/why_humans_have_sex_2007.pdf

[vega57]

6 minutes ago, theV0ID said:

"It's fun" was the 16th option in the questionnaire in the Appendix. That is not the results.

You can read the full article here https://briefingroom.typepad.com/the_briefing_room/files/why_humans_have_sex_2007.pdf

AHA!  Thank you! 

[vega57]

27 minutes ago, CBC said:

@vega57 Did you actually log in and read that entire study? Because the preview gives four of 237 reasons. Do you know for a fact that feeling connected to one's partner (or some very similar terminology) wasn't amongst the other 233 reasons?

No.  I was reading the Appendix and I only realized after I posted here at AVEN that there were only 142 slots.  When I tried to log into the site, it wouldn't let me.  

 

Thankfully, the link that theVOID posted has the full 31 page study.  So, I'll dive into that as a little "light" bedtime reading, lol!  

 

I'll probably have more to post about it once I finish reading it.  Until then, I stand corrected...

 

 

[vega57]

1 minute ago, CBC said:

Care to retract this, then?

Just did! 

[ryn2]

7 hours ago, CBC said:

As a teenager, I preferred the company of my parents' friends and my gran to most people my own age, with maybe one exception. I assume this is the result of being an only child, born to people in their 40s.

Yeah, this is similar to my setup, except that I’m gran-aged now. 

[anisotrophic]

20 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I would have to strongly disagree with that.

 

If we'd go by ratio, I think there's probably just as many sexuals who aren't able to connect strongly as asexuals.

 

18 hours ago, vega57 said:

I agree.  Not only that, but there are also sexuals who have sex, but not in order to 'connect' at all.  

These are red herrings. It seems that you're disagreeing with logical fallacies you're inferring from what I've written.

As a preface: please take as a given an absence of complications like repulsion, performance anxiety, etc. regarding "sex". This is about an absence of sexual attraction/desire for a partner, whether that's spontaneous or responsive desire.

Simplified logical statement: "Love leads to sexual desire."
(Complex version: "Strong emotional connection to a partner, with very high probability, leads to sexual desire." We'll leave space for exceptions here.)

Modus tollens: "Absence of sexual desire means there is an absence of love."
(Or: "Absence of sexual desire strongly indicates there is a likely absence of strong emotional connection to a partner."

The following are logical fallacies:

Affirming the consequent: "Presence of sexual desire means the presence of love."
Denying the antecedent: "Absence of love means absence of sexual desire."

You're not disproving or contradicting me if you point out that some sexual people don't emotionally connect, or that some sexual people desire sex in the absence emotional connection.

---

 

18 hours ago, vega57 said:

wanting to "feel connected" to someone

Regarding the "reasons for sex", I think it's also complicated by this issue: what I've written here wasn't about the proximate motivations someone would likely state.

For example: I love my children, I have a strong emotional connection to them. It makes me happy to do things that make them happy. Example: I put a lot of work into organizing a birthday party so a child feels special and the kids have fun. My proximate reasons might be "To make my child feel special" and "To see my child experience fun and happiness". Not "to feel connected to my child". The connection I had motivated other things.

I do think sex can strengthen a sense of emotional connection by being an "affirmation of emotional connection"; this relies on the belief that one's partner is similarly motivated by their own emotional connection.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Love doesn't lead to sexual desire, they're distinct. If someone connects well by having sex then it can be one activity they do that helps them feel good together. For many they have sex drive and that's what drives them to sex. The drive can sometimes mix with the desire to connect, and I think that's what happens with what you and some others here talk about.

Love is love. Connecting deeply and emotionally doesn't have to involved sex, at all, lol. Of course I'm biased but to me the highest points for connecting are in affection that's less about sexuality. Obviously everyone's different, but I also think sexual pleasure can confuse from love itself (at least in some cases), which I already kind of debated a little in another thread and it didn't go well, so I only mention it to say that's what I think, I don't want to debate it

 

But anyway I wasnt really responding to your post, @anisotrophic, it was more after what CBC said.

[JWM512]

First, I think its funny how the first few people who responded to this didn't like having sex with their husbands and found it repulsive.

But now they are with women and don't have a problem with doing sexual acts to please them.

 

       My sexlife with my wife is similar to the original post.  and i feel him when he talks about Him doing hours of things that he doesn't wanna do.  I Dread mowing the lawn... If it was up to me it could grow to a jungle and still not care about it.   Several time i have woken up with morning wood and have asked my wife for some action and i get the response "I'm not in the mood" (She is never "In the mood").  Anyways, so i will turn on the TV and lay in bed until i feel like getting up.  Then she will tell me that the yard need cut, it's getting long.  My response will be "Well I'm not in the mood to go out and cut the grass" (It take over an hour, over half is a hill, and then i'm exhausted, sweaty and dirty).  So I lay around for a few minutes and I'll throw out the offer "I'll go cut the yard for a quickie,  so we both have something we want from the other sounds fair to me".

She can always say nevermind and go cut the yard herself and while shes doing that i can rub one out.

 

       And like the original post, my wife in NEVER in the mood, However i dont always trade sex for me doing stuff around the house.  My wife does put out regularly (like 2 to 3 times a week) but she lets me know that its for me and she can do without.  I don't know about his wife, but even though my wife doesn't initiate sex, and says that it's just for me, she does orgasm but once she does i better hurry up because she is done!  To not be selfish most of the time I will go down on her and get her off (I can tell by not only by the taste of the fluid that come from her clit but she also experiences intense muscle contractions).  And by doing this i get excessively aroused and i can finish in less than a minute.  If she doesn't allow me to go down on her, it could take me between 20 to 40 minutes to climax. (We also have toys like small vibrators and stuff).

 

       Enough with our sexual activities.  We have been together for about 20 years.  We have 2 kids (14y/o & 10Y/o) but that is not the reason for her lack of sexual desire.  She has always been like that.  She was 16 when we first started dating, and 17 when we first had sex. I am her first and Only partner.  As for me, I was a slut and she knew that about me when she stole me from the girl i was fucking/dating before her.  I have always bad a strong sexual appetite, and sex and love are not exclusively mutual with one another to me.  I feel that she originally had sex with me because she knew I was a sexual person and by my past dating history I would move on to someone who was willing to satisfy my desires.  Now remember I was very young at this time (19-20 y/o) also...  Needless to say she was willing to keep my attention on her.  She was 20 when we had our first son and we got married,  and as everyone knows, once you say "I DO" you and forget about your sexlife. 

 

     Anyways like i said, she never initiated sexual contact, but as the years have gone by, she has let it be known that sex just isn't her thing, however i assume she understands that I have sexual need.  So she for the most part fills those needs for me, without protest.  Now I also have to admit i have cheated before and once was a drawn out affair.  All I can say is that I felt like i wasn't getting the attention I needed at home at the time.  But after my wife found out and the affair ended and we had several conversations.  Well its like our sex life picked up and I didnt feel as if there was a sexual void I needed to fill.  (Also prior to this, my wife was very conservative sexually,  wouldn't let me do certain things that I wanted to do, things that she now enjoys).

     But I think my infidelity is partially responsible for her attitude towards me.  Even though it has been many many years since then.  I have also battle with addiction and that has put a stress on our marriage and in turn affects our sex life.  Over the last several years her desire (which was never really there to begin with) has decreased, However even at 40 y/o, I still want sex all the time (but only ask a few times a week).  She says "No" but more than not she will tell me to "Come on if i want it because she's about to go to bed". (Remember we have 2 sons, 10 & 14) So its not so easy to find a good time anymore anyways.

 

     But now that i look back over the years and complete her outlook on sex.  I cant help to think if she has always been on some part of the asexual spectrum.  Along with her getting older and more set into her self, she has come out of her originally submissive position to be more vocal in letting it be known that she doesn't need or want sex.  That when we do have sex, its most of the for me to fulfill my needs. 

 

     I do have one question for those women who know and understand their asexuality,  If your spouse/Significant other has a high sexual drive and seeing that you do not.  Is it OK for your partner to satisfy their sexual desire with another?  Just sex, nothing else? 

          I ask because I personally could love and be emotionally connected to someone and not have sex with them ever, but to do so I would want the ability to fulfill my sexual needs without the feeling that I'm having to hid it (I'm not saying i wanna talk about it either).  I just wouldn't want it to feel 'taboo".

 

[iff]

This thread has not been active for a long time and is now being locked. 

 

Iff, 

Moderator, sexual partners, friends, and allies