Coulda shoulda woulda

[M51]

Do you ever wonder how your life would have been different if you have realized and/or come to terms with your asexuality earlier? I keep reading posts from the younger crowd and I am envious, to be truthful. How much pain and bitterness I could have saved myself if I had known and understood why I was so different.

Of course, I am strongly romantic, strongly affectionate, experience medium physical attraction, and identify completely with my gender if not the associated gender roles. A lot of the younger crowd knows they are very different from the start because they don't share those traits; I just knew I was slightly different. I was really just like everyone else right up until the genitalia got involved, so I didn't realize much of a difference right off the bat. So for me I didn't realize how much I didn't like sex until after I tried it. I had these romantic ideas about what it should be, that it would be this magical thing...these fairy tales in my mind kept me "trying" it for several partners because I thought I must just not have met Mr. Right. And then even after I knew I was asexual, I had to learn that I am not capable of real compromise...and even then I had to realize that nothing is worth it. So it's been a long journey for me. Probably still continuing.

But how much easier would my life have been if I just knew, from an early age, like so many of these younger kids?

*sigh*

[SummerSeeker]

I completely relate to everything you wrote. I also envy the younger avenites for knowing what they know when they know it. I knew I was different but tried to fit into the sexual world, thinking that I just needed to find the right one. A great deal of heartache resulted when I could no longer compromise. I thought I would remain alone until I found this site. At least now I have hope.

[Ziffler]

M51 Wtote:

But how much easier would my life have been if I just knew, from an early age, like so many of these younger kids?

In my opinion, I don't think my life would have been any easier knowing that I was asexual than it was not having a label for my freakness.

I have said this before, But I knew when I was 12 and anounced the fact to my family, that I was NEVER getting married, which back then also meant that I was never going to have sex. And that was before puberty. I didn't go through puberty until I was 14. But at 12 I already knew I didn't like anything sexual. I didn't like to talk about it, see it and definately not do it. So even though I didn't have a label for what I was, I knew I was different from other guys and I knew I would just have to live with that fact as best I could.

As for the kids coming along now, having it any easier? I'm not so sure they are having it a whole lot easier. They are still a square peg in a around world. The only thing I see that makes the younger generations life as an asexual better than I had it, is the computer age, and AVEN. Todays generation of asexuals can discover they are not alone in their asexuality, where as I was totally alone in mine. I thought I was the only one and therefore a real circus freak. Knowing that there are others does make it easier accepting what you are than thinking you are the only one.

But as far as living as an asexual, nope. I think this generation will go through much of the same trials that we went through. Most will probably try to make a relationship work with a sexual being and discover that it will probably end with heartbreak. This generation will learn about the loneliness that comes with being asexual and have to find their own way of coping with it just like we have had to do.

It is my hope, that AVEN will make the lives of the younger generation of asexuals easier than what we had.

[roddy9uk]

Do you ever wonder how your life would have been different if you have realized and/or come to terms with your asexuality earlier? I keep reading posts from the younger crowd and I am envious, to be truthful. How much pain and bitterness I could have saved myself if I had known and understood why I was so different.

*

Not sure which posts you have been reading but I would have said that the "younger element" seem to be undergoing huge amounts of angst and stress over it.

Maybe I did "come to terms with it" early in life. I certainly can't claim it caused (by itself) any great amount of stress and anxiety although hindsight (that wonderful thing) does tell me it had a place amongst the reasons why life wasn't totally smooth.

It is only human to wonder what might have been but I can genuinely see no reason to unduly upset myself over what my llife could have been if I had a "normal" sexual attraction or drive. I didn't and do not. It is a simple enough fact for me to grasp and live with..just as I have had to "live with" being short-sighted..or getting bald.

roddy

[OzWulfer]

Do you ever wonder how your life would have been different if you have realized and/or come to terms with your asexuality earlier? I keep reading posts from the younger crowd and I am envious, to be truthful. How much pain and bitterness I could have saved myself if I had known and understood why I was so different.

I do…but there would have been a lot of life experiences I wouldn’t have. Thanks to those experiences, I am who I am now. I really don’t mind me. I suppose I have been fortunate…I suspect from the usual heart break and confusion which has come from my asexually, my commitments haven’t been too involved. I feel more sorry for those who I was, with in the past. I’m glad I have shared my life with those people.

Of course, I am strongly romantic, strongly affectionate, experience medium physical attraction, and identify completely with my gender if not the associated gender roles.

Being romantic doesn’t help…I suppose its end goal is to be one thing. I always blamed myself, for not meeting MsRight, always blamed my own behaviours, which was correct, just misguided at the time. However as we all know, it’s a huge relief knowing this about ourselves. But now that we know…what do we do next? We just ticked off 90% or more of the population for being sexual. And we still have to sort through common goals, traits, personalities, attitudes…we still need trust, understanding and connection.

I’m not too envious of the younger crowd. Though as mentioned, they now have support groups, which we certainly didn’t have. However, branding yourself as asexual, may stop you from being with someone which you may have clicked before sexual. As cynical as I can be sometimes, I still believe in love first. I still think we can hook up with sexual peoples.

[sakura_alice]

I know I would've felt relieved much sooner had I found out at an earlier age that yes, it is okay to not want sex. Up until this point I always thought there was something wrong with me, because I wasn't like everyone else who was craving it. If I had known sooner what asexual-ism was, I believe I would have felt 100 times more comfortable in my own skin.

[Placebo]

Speaking as one of the "youngers", I'm quite glad that I discovered a group of people like me--especially with people that are interested in visibility and spreading the word to increase awareness--before I started to feel much pressure about being different from the norm.

I can see how theoretically it could lead to problems, so being here is something like a sigh of relief.

[SummerSeeker]

However' date=' branding yourself as asexual, may stop you from being with someone which you may have clicked before sexual. As cynical as I can be sometimes, I still believe in love first. I still think we can hook up with sexual peoples.[/quote']

I have been in relationships with sexual people and, for me, I don't believe it can work out. Sex always becomes a source of much arguement and, since I don't want an open relationship, I won't date another sexual. Thankfully, AVEN has given me hope of meeting someone like myself.

[SolonOH]

Not sure which posts you have been reading but I would have said that the "younger element" seem to be undergoing huge amounts of angst and stress over it.

Yes, sometimes the posts can be quite gloomy. I think if I had an awareness of asexuality sooner, I may have come to terms with myself sooner, but only by a matter of a year or two. With rare exceptions, the confidence and acceptance of being comfortable in your own skin comes with age.

All youth, whether asexual or not, question and anguish over their identity and place in the world. But wonderful things this questioning can bring! If not for them who would challenge the system? I only hope the younger folks on this site rock the boat while struggling with their identity, and focus a little more about the positive things about being themselves.

After all, the best part about being grown up is you get to do what you want with your life!

[Goonie]

But how much easier would my life have been if I just knew, from an early age, like so many of these younger kids?

*sigh*

coming in as a "younger" person

I don't think knowing that I am asexual has helped that much. The thing that has helped the most is the support coming from AVEN.

[M51]

Yes, but...I can tell you, I probably would not have gotten married to my ex if I had known that I was asexual. I really thought love would make me like sex. You younger crowd know better.

The same thing for the first time I tried sex, and a few other partners I had as I tried to figure out why I didn't seem to get it. I could have avoided that, and even some of my relationships where I didn't have sex.

I could have avoided hurting my best friend, who I dated in high school. Stuff like that. Because now that I know, I am dealing with some worries and angst, but it is better because I know the source of it all.

Ten years of botched sexual relationships. Ten years of trying so hard to be something I'm not....I would rather learn to deal with what I am than to pretend to be something I am not.

I don't mean to be insensitive to anyone elses troubles. I am just saying...heck, I would have done things a lot differently if only I had known!!

[Goonie]

right.. I see where you are coming from. I was in no way shape or form hurt or trying to prove I have been hurt

Hell I wouldn't have done stuff a year ago if I had known what would have happened now .. part of life I guess

[M51]

Yeah, i try to look at the positive side...my husband found AVEN, not me...and he pushed my feminist buttons until I finally broke out and read up on feminism and now that is a very important part of me...

And I think I do have some insight to help out other asexuals. Sometimes.

[HannaWyLady]

I've always known I was "different". Like Ziff I knew as a preteen that I was going to be "single and childless by choice". At least that was what I told everyone. I didn't know there was a "name" for how I am until I found this place. Younger people may have it a bit easier due to computers and being able to find other people who think like they do and a place to go and vent - but that is about it. They just won't have to "go it alone" like alot of us older A's had to.

[Guest]

It would've made my life slightly easier, but not that much.

I'm glad I found out when I did, and don't think I would have been able to accept it at a much younger age.

[cijay]

Do you ever wonder how your life would have been different if you have realized and/or come to terms with your asexuality earlier? I keep reading posts from the younger crowd and I am envious, to be truthful. How much pain and bitterness I could have saved myself if I had known and understood why I was so different.

I can't say I experienced any pain or bitterness. What would have been different is that it would have saved a lot of TIME!!! "I'm asexual, fuck off" would have been SOOO much easier. Knowing that there wasn't going to be a relationship for me in any crowd would have saved time.

A lot of the younger crowd knows they are very different from the start because they don't share those traits; I just knew I was slightly different.

I always knew I was VERY different, it was one of the things I was most proud of - I didn't fall for the lines and bullshit. I wasn't like everyone else right up 'til the genitals got involved because from what I could see, the genitals WERE the first thing to get involved for people. So from the get-go, I was different.

What would have been easier though is if I had stopped looking in the male crowd for any kind of relationship. But oh well.

[Mallard]

I've always known that my level of sexual desire is pretty low, but somehow I thought that it would some kind of a duty to learn to accept the idea of sex and intercourse (for myself; I'm not bothered by other people having sex). On the other hand, I've never had any "I must get rid of my virginity, I must must must" way of thinking.

In my mid-twenties, I admitted to myself that I didn't enjoy touching or being touched by other people, and felt quite liberated. And finding AVEN was even more liberating. I really envy those people, who have been part of the asexual community from a young age.

On the other hand, I also feel some pity for the teenagers of today: they have to grow up in a world that is so oversexualised and overpornographised. The 1970's and 80's were really chaste compared to that.

[beachbird]

I'm sure had I been sure of my true feelings about sex at a younger age, I could have saved myself alot of frustration and despair (and self-loathing). But then, I might not have given birth to my twin daughters, who have been the greatest joy of my life. That alone made my suffering worth while. I am glad I realized early enough in life that I am asexual that I could leave a sad marriage that was not fair to either one of us and come to be my true self. I still have plenty of living to do....now I can do it in a way that is real and honest and I can be happy with myself.

[mindlife]

I'm sure had I been sure of my true feelings about sex at a younger age, I could have saved myself alot of frustration and despair (and self-loathing).

I feel the same. I felt horrible and out of place in every crowd before I knew there was a term and explanation that seemed to encompass the globalness of it.

[newgirl]

I've always known that my level of sexual desire is pretty low, but somehow I thought that it would some kind of a duty to learn to accept the idea of sex and intercourse (for myself; I'm not bothered by other people having sex). On the other hand, I've never had any "I must get rid of my virginity, I must must must" way of thinking.

In my mid-twenties, I admitted to myself that I didn't enjoy touching or being touched by other people, and felt quite liberated. And finding AVEN was even more liberating. I really envy those people, who have been part of the asexual community from a young age.

On the other hand, I also feel some pity for the teenagers of today: they have to grow up in a world that is so oversexualised and overpornographised. The 1970's and 80's were really chaste compared to that.

I agree with your post 100%

[Tanwen]

I'm a romantic asexual, too. My older son asks how I can be attracted to someone, and say they're sexy if I'm asexual. I tried to explain, I can see sexy, I can appreciate sexy - just don't want to do anything about/with it. Or, to sllightly paraphrase a fellow member's quote, I'm a bit like a dishwasher - plumbed in but not attached to the mains (electricity)... :lol: :lol: :lol:

I suppose I could have saved myself a lot of heartache had I known earlier - but then I wouldn't have had my two sons and granddaughter. SO I suppose it has its compensations.

[baronrae]

Wow, I really am amazed! As I read, it almost seems like I am reading my own diary. Especially the things M51 has said. I guess I always was made to feel that if I didn't like sex, that I didn't love the person enough. I always seemed to be the one apologizing for not enjoying it.

I don't regret my 2 children, but I wish I had stayed away from marriage.

I tried it three times, thinking that it must not be Mr. Right, maybe "this time it will work and I'll be happy".

It never happened.

I do like closeness, but more like a friend that will always be there for you. Sex has always been a point of contention, the more they push, the further away I wanted to run.

[Zerick]

But how much easier would my life have been if I just knew, from an early age, like so many of these younger kids?

I agree with what everyone said above. When I was very young I felt I was sexual or maybe just more curious. I was sent to the school office when I was 6 years old and found naked in the bathroom with a girl in my class. Similar situations happened a few times before I was 12. Maybe I just liked to be naked with others.... I don't know. I knew I was asexual in my teens but did not have a place like AVEN to find others. For that I am envious of those in their early 20's. I don't think my life would have been any easier having an asexual label for myself. The bi-sexual label always fit because if a girl was interested in me she would understand I like boys more. If a boy was interested he would think I really wanted to be with girls. I have been good at avoidance.

[Ziffler]

Zerick Wrote:

I don't think my life would have been any easier having an asexual label for myself. The bi-sexual label always fit because if a girl was interested in me she would understand I like boys more. If a boy was interested he would think I really wanted to be with girls. I have been good at avoidance.

Oh yes, Definately learned the art of avoidance early in life.

Knowing about asexuality and me being asexual, would not have made my life easier as to other people and relationships with them. I would of still had to use the avoidance arts through the school age years. Kids would not have understood and life would have been a nightmare had they known I was different. But I think, it would have been easier for me personally, if I had known what I was. Mentally and emotionally, it was a living terror not knowing why I was different, especially since I believed I was the only one. So my social life would have been the same, knowing or not knowing, but my personal life, could have been easier had I known, especially if I had known I wasn't alone in the universe.

[Kelly]

I suppose I could have saved myself a lot of heartache had I known earlier - but then I wouldn't have had my two sons and granddaughter. SO I suppose it has its compensations.

Good point. Being A is OK, but also having been married and having kids and grandkids is cool.

I do not know how knowing about asexuality and knowing that I was one at a young age would have helped. I have never been married anyway.

But an asexy partner would be OK.

[Ziffler]

Zerick Wrote:

I was sent to the school office when I was 6 years old and found naked in the bathroom with a girl in my class. Similar situations happened a few times before I was 12. Maybe I just liked to be naked with others.... I don't know.

As a kid I LOVED naked games. Played them every opportunity that adults gave me. Didnt matter if it was boy/boy or boy/girl. Didnt have anything to do with sex just my love for being naked and seeing other people naked.

Now I understand. I'm a nudist. It took many years for that realization to click in, but when it did, it made all the sense in the world. No sex, no sexual expectations. Just the pure innocence and joy of being naked with other people that enjoy nudity also.

[Rikusephirosu]

Im 15 and well..Ive always known I was asexual. And how is it? A huuuuuge pain in the butt. I have to deal with 50+ people breathing down my neck all at once about "doing it" "boyz boyz boyz...girlz?Nah BOYZ" "you know you want it!!" "you gay or something I never saw you go out with anyone or flirt"..etc etc. It is really hard and I know you adults who found out too late feel that you regret it, but at this day and age Im glad you learned what you are late.. What I have to go through as a teen asexual would drive anyone else insane. Im already treated bad in my school because Im atheist, antisocial, too smart, too mature.. and they dont know what asexual is and dont need to know. If they knew they would make my life a worse "living hell". :cry: :cry:

Its hard..others my age group all thinking about sex, boys and girls and things of that like. While Im just trying to be a good student and get the heck out of school and not be bothered with it anymore. My whole school dislikes me for being different already and I dont have to tell them Im not interested in anything sexual. I think Ive said enough to get them from breathing down my neck and it doesnt work... :cry: Atleast you found out when it was a bit too late for that... Problems with people like that are things no one should ever have to go through. Ever. *hugs everyone here* :cry:

[coldav]

The name for me in high school in the early 60's was "sexless slim." I was skinny and sexless. Over 40 years later the former is the same but the latter is no longer slim.

In my late teens and 20's I was very confused about my sexuality. Then, I lived with one woman, and after that married another. Fifteen years ago I got divorced and for the last 14 years have been celibate.

I don't worry about sexuality anymore. The aging process has dissipated so many things that used to bother me.

Each day I wake up and am alive I am thankful.

[FISH']

Do you ever wonder how your life would have been different if you have realized and/or come to terms with your asexuality earlier? I keep reading posts from the younger crowd and I am envious, to be truthful. How much pain and bitterness I could have saved myself if I had known and understood why I was so different.

*

Not sure which posts you have been reading but I would have said that the "younger element" seem to be undergoing huge amounts of angst and stress over it.

roddy

I am quite happy to be asexual and find it is more liberating than a cause for stress. I am quite aware that many asexuals (namely the older, more experienced, folk) have suffered alot of conflict in their lives, but I am confident that I can avoid making the same bad choices by remaining here and learning from all the older folk.

[Ziffler]

Rikusephirosu wrote:

Atleast you found out when it was a bit too late for that... Problems with people like that are things no one should ever have to go through. Ever. *hugs everyone here*

Thanks for the HUGZ!

I think you might misunderstand? We all went through what you are going through. We didnt have a label and we didnt know that there were any others like us. But we were still asexual. We still didnt want to have sex and we still had to pretend so we could get by each day without getting teased and harrassed by those who thought that sex was the end all to everything. Many of us were teens through the 60's, the Age of FREE LOVE! Hey, if you weren't doing it in those days you were wierd. And the last label anyone wanted was the label of gay put on them, and they didn't use that nice term either. They had much worse names for gay back then. If you got that label then your life was painful in many ways. So many of us, including myself, lived a life of pretend, for self preservation. I had a group of girls that I hung out with at school. They were not the popular girls, but they were female which gave the illussion that I was "Normal" Away from school, I was very anti-social so I didn't have to deal with answering questions about my non-sex life.

So it wasn't any easier for us "Older" Asexual, just because we didn't know we were asexual. We knew we were different and had no idea why we were different and had to pretend to be the same as everyone else to survive.

That being said, I don't believe that the younger generation has it any easier. It is good to have a place like AVEN to come to and learn about yourself and others like you. Its good to know you're not alone. But like us, you do have to live amongst sexuals that will harrass you if they discover that you are different. That is the same from generation to generation.

Sorry for the long post. Have a wonderful day, and here is a,

*HUG* for you too.