Asexuality, trauma or something else.

[D and]

Hi everyone. 

I am a 17 yo female and this is my messed up head. (Sorry for my English btw, I'm not native)

A 1.5 year ago I broke up with my first boyfriend. It was a long-distance relationship with duriation of 1.5 years. We met online and I fell madly in love with him. We were seeing eachother every month or two. I was turned on and I wanted to have sex but I was also terrified of pregnancy and STDs (even with condoms). We did only oral and these stuff but I still panicked. When we were together everything was fine but when he left, I started crying and checking if I am not pregnant which was impossible, but still. At some time I started to feel disgusted by sex at all but every time I felt turned on somehow. He even didn't allow me to do anything because he knew how traumatised I was. After a while I didn't want to see him because the memories made me feel sick. I didn't want to touch him, see him, kiss him etc. And we broke up.

For a long time I was fine. Lonely, yes, but fine. Untill the last month. 

I haven't been attracted to anyone neither romantically, nor sexually. And I started to overthink it. I developed Homosexual OCD. I support LGBTQ+ community but I don't want to be part of it. I adore and love all of my girl friends but I don't want anything more. I have always daydreamed about a husband, children ect. and never for a relationship with a women. Before my ex I have had only one 2 year crush. But still I seek attention only from girls because I think boys just want sex and I don't. My self-esteem is low and I have never been boys' first choice. Or someone's choice at all.

I am soo consumed by everything and my head is a mess. I lost myself.

I also have severe undiagnosed hormonal imbalance. I have had period twice for the last 4 years..

I am confused..I don't know if I am asexual, bisexual, homosexual or just straight and traumatised somehow.

Edited September 19, 2020 by D and

[Anthracite_Impreza]

Right now I think you should focus on sorting your mental health out and getting in a better place. Any worries of your orientation or relationships can wait.

[Kannaranna]

Hello and welcome to AVEN

 

You don't need to put a label on your sexuality.  I didn't know what my sexuality was when I was 17, a lot of people don't. 

 

You should consider seeing a doctor about your periods.  If you do have a hormone imbalance then that might be affecting your mood and your feelings about sex.

 

You say that you're not anybody else's choice but you were in a 1.5 year relationship so somebody did choose you. When I was younger I didn't think that anybody would want to be with me. I had low self-esteem so when somebody did like me I thought they were joking. 

 

I think you're right when you say that you are over thinking this. For now it might be better to focus on your friendships with other girls.  Forget about relationships for a while and this will give you some space to sort your head out.