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Does being unable to connect w/ someone romantically make you aromantic?


Ellie6

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Some examples:

  • You can't seem to successfully form romantic relationships even if you try
  • Your emotions shut down when it seems like someone is interested in you, or you fail to develop an emotional attachment to people
  • You prefer to be by yourself vs. being in a relationship because you feel more comfortable being alone
  • You feel that you are unable to be who you are and show authenticity in a romantic context

 

Obvs I am talking about myself, but maybe other can relate. Forgive my ignorance in regards to how I perceive aromanticism.

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I can relate to an extent.

 

Regarding the first example. I have never even tried.

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I don't think it means it necessarily, just like someone can have trouble with sex but not be asexual. Nothing wrong with choosing not to be in a relationship if that fits best tho.
I think that sometimes we have things or issues that keep us from being able to do certain things well. Some things we can work on, or if we feel it's better not to try, and save our energy for something else, then that can be ok too, it depends how much something means to you I think.

 

I think acceptance is always good in any case.

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31 minutes ago, Andrea KF said:

Regarding the first example. I have never even tried.

Same for me lol. I'm not sure if these examples automatically point towards being aromantic, but I'm sure many people on the spectrum can relate to them.

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It sounds aromantic to me if I'm honest. It really depends on whether a) you have already experienced romantic attraction... ever, and b) you really, truly WANT to be in a relationship. Sometimes we gotta sort our needs and things out and start new, realizing what we really want and need in our lives. That's probably a thing almost every person realizing asexuality/aromanticism had to do. I hope you'll be happy either way! ❤️
 

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1 hour ago, Ellie6 said:

Some examples:

  • You can't seem to successfully form romantic relationships even if you try
  • Your emotions shut down when it seems like someone is interested in you, or you fail to develop an emotional attachment to people
  • You prefer to be by yourself vs. being in a relationship because you feel more comfortable being alone
  • You feel that you are unable to be who you are and show authenticity in a romantic context

yes to all the examples in my opinion 

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The thing is, every one of those examples can be something else too.
Not being able to have a successful relationship can be because of many things, including not finding someone that's right.
Emotions shutting down can be because of emotional issues, or putting pressure on yourself.
Feeling more comfortable alone can be because of again putting pressure on yourself, social anxiety, and other things that can take some time to get through the barriers. Even then, I think it's normal to feel more comfortable by ourselves, for a lot of us. Doesn't mean a relationship isn't worth it, but it really does have to have enough meaning to make you want it.
If you can't be yourself with someone, then that can again be because of putting pressure on yourself, like to be a certain way instead of yourself naturally, or not care if you show certain sides of yourself, etc. If the other person has expectations, then it can be talked about instead of just feeling like you have be a certain way for romance.

 

Relationships need to have some ease into them, or else it'll be draining instead of uplifting and like you can be more of yourself with someone who likes you for you and can maybe understand you and parts of you that others don't. Of course it can be hard for that at first when you get to know each other and all that.

Here's the thing though, it has to be something you want. If you don't actually want it yourself, then there's no point. It's wanting to connect on a deeper level that makes it worth while and to get through the barriers of feeling anxiety and not knowing how to be yourself at first. You can't be doing it out of pressure, because then the relationship doesn't bring you happiness, it's more like a chore.

Anyway, aiming to be happy is good in any case :)

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First off, being unable to connect with someone romantically may or may not make you aromatic. Aromanticism may be a reason for a failure to romantically connect with people but not inherently. Aromanticism depends on if you ever feel romantic attraction. Manifestations, such as a desire to never date or a failure to romantically connect, might be indications of aromanticism, but they should not be confused with romanticism.

2 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

You can't seem to successfully form romantic relationships even if you try

Not enough information for this one. Some romantic people do not pursue romantic relationships, either ever or just for a while. Just like how sexual people do not pursue sex, either ever or just for a while. It really depends why you wanted to form a romantic relationship in the first place.

2 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

Your emotions shut down when it seems like someone is interested in you, or you fail to develop an emotional attachment to people

Probably need to describe emotional attachment.

2 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

You prefer to be by yourself vs. being in a relationship because you feel more comfortable being alone

Could be aromanticism. But at the same time there could be people who feel romantic attraction (hence they are romantic) and yet prefer being alone so therefore do not pursue a relationship.

2 hours ago, Ellie6 said:

You feel that you are unable to be who you are and show authenticity in a romantic context

That is probably most closely tied to aromanticism.

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4 hours ago, Ellie6 said:
  • You can't seem to successfully form romantic relationships even if you try
  • Your emotions shut down when it seems like someone is interested in you, or you fail to develop an emotional attachment to people
  • You prefer to be by yourself vs. being in a relationship because you feel more comfortable being alone
  • You feel that you are unable to be who you are and show authenticity in a romantic context

For the first, it may just be that forming those relationships is difficult for you with nothing to read into.

 

For the second, I am assuming that you've had what could be called crushes before, but they went away. That sounds like lithromantic or apromantic(those are the same, some people just prefer apromantic because of the root) where romantic feelings go away when they are reciprocated.

 

The third isn't really an indicator, but it may be helpful for determining one way or the other.

 

For the fourth, I can relate. When I try to imagine myself having crushes or being head-over-heels, it is almost like watching a movie.

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That's not my experience of what romanticism is, except maybe the last one.  I am gray-aro and I have never experienced any of those things.

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Low End Things

IMO none of these things would necessarily lead to being aro. Actually I'd say the first point would mean you're romantic since you're still trying.

 

All that matters is: do you ever see or meet someone and feel the need to enter into a romantic relationship with them? If not, you might be aro. If you do, you might be romantic, even if you choose not to act on it. You're still feeling the desire.

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