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Bachelorette Gifts for Aces


AspiringGiftGiver

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AspiringGiftGiver

Hello all!

 

I stumbled upon this forum while searching for gifts ideas, and was hoping you could help: My best friend is having a bachelorette/wedding shower party next weekend. My friend quietly came "out" to me a few years ago, and while I'm sure some of her other bridesmaids are also aware, I'm not sure who all in the party she's felt comfortable sharing that info with.

 

Thus, my dilemma: Bachelorette gifts tend to be overly sexualized, which is not useful, and asexual gifts tend to be centered around that identity, which I don't feel is tactful to give in a public setting until I have better sense of who's in the know. What kind of gifts would be appropriate for this situation, then?

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Well, being a bit of a fashionista who also loves to read...I always appreciate gifts of books on topics that I am interested in.

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I've never been to a bachelorette party where most of the presents were sexualised but I imagine the point of them is that they're meant to be useful to her marriage? Why don't you get her something along those lines, something that she and her partner can use, like a bath set? If you guys are close friends then the best gift would be something personal to her something that reminds her of a fun event you both went to or an inside joke you have; something thoughtful that shows how much you value your friendship.

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20 minutes ago, alto said:

Well, being a bit of a fashionista who also loves to read...I always appreciate gifts of books on topics that I am interested in.

How about a romance novel?  Either something classic like Jane Austen, or a hilariously corny gag gift.

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Being impossibly practical, why waste money on something she may not need, like or use? I’d look up her registry and shop from that. She is her best gift guide after all.
 

Perhaps times have changed, or older brides go practical, but you can’t go wrong with something she’s picked for herself. Party on!

 

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ace_of_hearts7489

I've seen some photos from my mom's party back in the late 80s and I've seen some photos of modern ones and they all looked sexualized to me. Some had sashes and signs that said, "same x forever!" Why?! 

 

I've never been to a bachelorette party before. I think I would go with what's on her registry. Can't go wrong there.

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I think some cute things for them as a couple could work. Or funny cheesy romance stuff. Or just normal gifts?

 

For me, a case of Dr. Pepper would be perfect. Since me and my bf both love the drink and we share it and enjoy it together. (But we're in the process of cutting out caffeine so... :()

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Maybe a gift basket with self-care items? Bath bombs and things like that. Or you could give her a personalized gift that includes anything that matches her interests. Or maybe you could treat her to a separate occasion of you two going out to do something together. I'm not sure what that would be because of COVID, ballets and orchestra concerts are out of the question, but maybe there is some sort of activity she would be interested in that you could do.

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It really depends. Is she traditional? Give her something borrowed, something blue,  etc. Or a spa day to have before the big day. Or... anything really. Personally, I would have been happy with a video game before my wedding ! :lol: Or even better, a cool coop game we could play together on the honeymoon! And i'm not even ace, so. :P  

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4 hours ago, Lanthanein said:

I've never been to a bachelorette party where most of the presents were sexualised but I imagine the point of them is that they're meant to be useful to her marriage? 

Erm. I dunno what your friends parties are like, but traditionally in the U.S it tends to be... strippers, penis mints, penis cake, sash that says "bride", going to a strip club and just celebrating the "final night of freedom" thing much like bachelor parties. Some stores sell gag gifts like vibrators, etc that are cheap and not really functional, just meant to be jokes.

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5 minutes ago, CBC said:

...and this is why I'd never want such an event, lol.

 

I don't really want sex stuff from friends. That's just a bit weird to me even though I'm not ace. When I married my ex, a friend of his from uni gave us a book called The Pop-Up Book of Sex. That was... awkward. (Not at some sort of do beforehand, though. He sent it in the post after he found out. We had a wedding with precisely two guests and no events of any sort prior to. But it's still a weird thing to thank someone for.)

Yeah, same. 

 

My ex gave a female friend a dildo that was a copy of one he had got me. I basically told him not to ever use the one he got me again... cause ew. The idea of him buying us both the same thing was gross!

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This is so foreign to me, and I live in the US! The only bachelor/bachelorette parties that are sexualized to my knowledge are in movies. 🤷🏻‍♀️
 

Playing golf with my lover yesterday, we discussed this briefly. Our conclusion was that those types of parties aren’t typical. If they are occurring as portrayed, then they’re likely happening in lower socioeconomic circles and/or with younger folks. We aren’t sure, but we’ve been to many and never experienced such a thing. 
 

The closest I came to anything remotely hinting at raunch was when I was invited to my housekeeper’s “daughter-in-law to be” bachelorette party. For the most part it was like all of the others, respectable.
 

However, there was one game I’d never seen or heard of and figured it was cultural. In fact, having games at all was unusual: We typically reserve those for baby showers. In any case, the bride had to pop a balloon using nothing but her hips. AWKWARD! However, it was hilarious to watch the abuelas laugh hysterically. Who knows, I was glad it wasn’t me, and I concentrated on finishing a plate of the best mole I’d ever had!

 

EDIT: I don’t know anyone who got married younger than maybe 32-33. That includes both the men and women. For the most part, we all focused on careers and added marriage to the mix later on. So again, it’s either the age gap, or socioeconomics.
 

I also think that about “cake in the face” at weddings. Who does that?!? To my knowledge it’s some corny, campy thing done in movies. I’ve never seen a couple smash cake in each other’s faces. Just why?!?  🤷🏻‍♀️

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16 hours ago, Serran said:

Erm. I dunno what your friends parties are like, but traditionally in the U.S it tends to be... strippers, penis mints, penis cake, sash that says "bride", going to a strip club and just celebrating the "final night of freedom" thing much like bachelor parties. Some stores sell gag gifts like vibrators, etc that are cheap and not really functional, just meant to be jokes.

In my experience this is standard in the UK too... I live in a city which is really popular with stag and hen do's and hen do's are easily recognisable from the giant inflatable penises, penis hats, penis straws... penis everything.

 

Gift wise I would go for something like a spa day, fancy self care items, or just something useful if they're the practical sort.

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Where I live bachelorette parties are definitely very sexualized.  It’s not uncommon to have a shower (much more sedate, gifts) and a bachelorette, but the latter is nearly always made up of raunchy gag gifts and games (pin the penis on the donkey!) and drinks with little penis straws.  Or trips to Vegas.

 

That’s not to say some people don’t just want to celebrate with a dinner with a few close friends.  They just don’t call it a bachelorette party.

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3 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I also think that about “cake in the face” at weddings. Who does that?!? To my knowledge it’s some corny, campy thing done in movies. I’ve never seen a couple smash cake in each other’s faces. Just why?!?  

I did wedding videography on the side to help out a long-ago SO’s business and I can assure you this is 100% a real thing.

 

You may be right about socioeconomic circles, though.  I squatted way outside my own while married and I don’t recall seeing it happen at any of those weddings (although I did hear older female relatives say things like “she looks so pretty, he’d better not...” so it was at least a concern).

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2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

This is so foreign to me, and I live in the US! The only bachelor/bachelorette parties that are sexualized to my knowledge are in movies. 🤷🏻‍♀️

My co-workers (education, so people with bachelors/masters degrees, some PhDs) were planning bachelorette parties before the lock down and they had the whole strip club thing planned. The lady planning it was our behavior expert from district level, in her mid 30s, early 40s (I wasn't rude enough to ask her age). She said her friend had said no party, but she wasn't letting her friend get married without the traditional last night at a strip club). 

 

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

 

However, there was one game I’d never seen or heard of and figured it was cultural. In fact, having games at all was unusual: We typically reserve those for baby showers. In any case, the bride had to pop a balloon using nothing but her hips. AWKWARD! However, it was hilarious to watch the abuelas laugh hysterically. Who knows, I was glad it wasn’t me, and I concentrated on finishing a plate of the best mole I’d ever had!

I decline invites to the parties cause they are ... er, not my style. But, the games I've seen planned are things like pin the penis on the pin up and stuff. Truth or dare as well, or drinking games like back in college. 

 

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

I also think that about “cake in the face” at weddings. Who does that?!? To my knowledge it’s some corny, campy thing done in movies. I’ve never seen a couple smash cake in each other’s faces. Just why?!?  🤷🏻‍♀️

I know a few that did the cake thing at wedding just for the photo op, quick clean up after. 

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2 hours ago, Serran said:

My co-workers (education, so people with bachelors/masters degrees, some PhDs)

So, my sense is it has to do more with socioeconomic differences, not so much level of education, but wonders never cease.

 

2 hours ago, Serran said:

I decline invites to the parties cause they are ... er, not my style.

It has zero to do with it being anyone’s style. If someone close to you invites you to share in their joyous and momentous occasions, you should make every effort to attend. (At least that’s my belief.)
 

2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

(although I did hear older female relatives say things like “she looks so pretty, he’d better not...” so it was at least a concern).

I have heard something similar once, but I assumed they were joking. Well, I suppose if it’s in the movies it came from somewhere. 😂

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22 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

It has zero to do with it being anyone’s style. If someone close to you invites you to share in their joyous and momentous occasions, you should make every effort to attend. (At least that’s my belief.)

I wonder if this is socioeconomically linked as well, as it was a strong belief among my ex’s family and family friends... whereas among my friends and coworkers it was always fine to just gift and decline if you weren’t into strippers, didn’t drink, couldn’t afford a quick trip to Vegas, etc., and there never seemed to be hard feelings afterwards.

 

I know it sounds like a reach but, after discovering some really differing feelings/implications around going out to dinner versus having people over for a meal at home, nothing would surprise me.

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8 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

fine to just gift and decline

That actually might be the key difference right there.  Farther down the food chain people know that showers and other related parties are part of helping the couple, bride to be, new parents, etc., buy things they otherwise would have to go without.  Without that understanding there may well be more focus on the “sharing joyful life occasions” part, such that skipping out (even with a gift) is seen as hurtful.

 

“It’s just a gift grab, what’s the bit deal?” may no longer apply/make sense when you don’t need gifts.

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44 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

So, my sense is it has to do more with socioeconomic differences, not so much level of education, but wonders never cease.

*shrug* The ladies are from a lot of different backgrounds, with incomes that go from $15k/year to $100k/year and it doesn't seem to make a difference in their party preferences. Religious background seems the main difference between them, as the conservative ones wouldn't go to them. I guess if you reach country club level, the risk of rumors is greater though ? 

 

44 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

 

It has zero to do with it being anyone’s style. If someone close to you invites you to share in their joyous and momentous occasions, you should make every effort to attend. (At least that’s my belief.)

I'm not going to go to a sex party of any kind for any reason, no matter if they find it important or not. Anyone that can't respect that, can go away. "Make yourself uncomfortable, miserable and go against your personal values for me!" "WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO?!?!?" ... instant exit ticket out of my life. :P  

 

I do not drink, I find being around drunk people triggers my fight or flight and I have to use every ounce of willpower I have to just stay sitting around them. I would find going to a strip club to be cheating on my spouse, as that breaches our relationship boundaries we agreed upon. So, a drunken strip club crawl stuffing $1 bills into g-strings ... don't care if you're my favorite person in the world, the answer will always be a resounding no. Never had any issue with people not respecting that. 

 

Though... funnily enough the only time people got offended was when I didn't invite them to my wedding.

"Sorry, it's family only" 

"You work with us, we're family!" 

"Uhm. I mean blood related family. Only my cousin and my spouse's parents are coming. We want it to be very small." 

"You shouldn't let your spouse control your wedding and who can come!" 

"They aren't? Neither of us wants a crowd." 

"Yeah, right. You're letting them control you. How sad."


*shakes head* 

 

44 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

 

I have heard something similar once, but I assumed they were joking. Well, I suppose if it’s in the movies it came from somewhere. 😂

Honestly, I think it's just a joke / photo op more at this point than anything. Wonder where the tradition came from originally though. Photographers sometimes will ask the couples to stage it for the album. *shrug* 

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59 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

“It’s just a gift grab, what’s the bit deal?” may no longer apply/make sense when you don’t need gifts.

This makes sense as it’s never someone’s presents, but rather their presence that matters. 
 

Back on topic, I rarely notice a person truly appreciating a gift that has no significance. Do you need more bath products? Books? Clothing? Dishes?  I’d rather have nothing than something I must find a new home.

 

Gifts of experiences or sentiment is where it’s at for folks I spend time with. Generally however, most of us simply refrain from any gifts beyond arguing about who pays for lunch. Most everything else is neither needed nor impactful. 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

Edit: It’s the thought that counts is lovely, but an afterthought. Deeper meaning is seen in showing up. 

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Well, it may be on-topic as it sounds like the bride-to-be’s expectations may vary greatly based on socioeconomic status and (to a lesser extent) geography.

 

Showing up with tickets to something cool when everyone else is bringing edible undies (or the reverse!) will be awkward.

 

I would check with the hostess and try to get a sense for whether the party theme/tone will be.  Is it a bawdy “last chance” with the girls or a more serious celebration of the upcoming marriage?  That would help guide the gifting...  even if everyone is getting gag gifts there might be options that are less sex-based.

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25 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Well, it may be on-topic as it sounds like the bride-to-be’s expectations may vary greatly based on socioeconomic status and (to a lesser extent) geography.

 

Showing up with tickets to something cool when everyone else is bringing edible undies (or the reverse!) will be awkward.

 

I would check with the hostess and try to get a sense for whether the party theme/tone will be.  Is it a bawdy “last chance” with the girls or a more serious celebration of the upcoming marriage?  That would help guide the gifting...  even if everyone is getting gag gifts there might be options that are less sex-based.

Yeah. I mean... unless you know what is expected you can't really gift appropriately.

 

Checking with the hostess is a good idea. Whoever is planning it has to know what the theme will be, or what everyone is expected to behave like. Is it a rowdy party? Is it a quiet get together? Is it joke gifts? Thoughtful gifts? Practical gifts (these I always see coming at the wedding  though... or at the shower, not so much at the bachelorette party). 

 

My wife and I ended up going to a theme park with her family as a combined bachelor/bachelorette thing before our wedding, for example. It's not at all what's typically expected, but we didn't want parties. With her friends, she did... lunch at a local pub and talking about games/nerd stuff. And I had cake with some girls at Ruby Tuesdays (they brought their own cake, poor restaurant didn't seem to mind). 

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  • 3 months later...

When my partner and I got our civil partnership last summer, her friends ignored all the protestations in advance. Apparently the hen party went well as it was just a quiet thing with wine in someone's garden. But the gifts were all inappropriate.

Still, it meant I got lots of chocolate when she got home as I had no qualms about the novelty shape.

 

On the other hand, some other friends arranged a bonfire and barbeque for our honeymoon night. I think it showed a good understanding.

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everywhere and nowhere
On 9/18/2020 at 8:15 PM, ace_of_hearts7489 said:

Some had sashes and signs that said, "same x forever!" Why?! 

What does "same x forever" mean??

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anisotrophic

I know it’s an old post, but it’s funny to recall my own... We didn’t split into gals & guys, instead we all went out and did go kart races together. Then a brewery.

 

An ex of mine took 1st in the races with his insane antics, reminding me why he was an *ex*. He was also the only one to give us an inappropriate gift (not that I don’t like sex, but dildos — really? — no matter that they were classy glass ones... which honestly sounds like a terrible idea in various ways...) ...also reminding why he was an ex. 😂

 

I’m sexual but... I didn’t need or want a raunchy party (or gifts!) before my wedding. :D

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ace_of_hearts7489
On 1/1/2021 at 11:56 AM, Nowhere Girl said:

What does "same x forever" mean??

I used x in place of the private part.

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