Diary of a Very Confused Human

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Hello hello! I just spent some alone time with my journal for the first time in, gosh, years? And as I was writing I thought "Hey, this might be something good to share and get some input on." So, here it is! Apologies in advance for the possibly strange layout; it'd be weird to see the majority of the post in italics but I wanted to separate the journal entry itself from the start and end notes somehow. Also, I do occasionally highlight parts of my entries, so I made those bits bold. Well, here we go!

 

 

I don't really know where to begin. Or how to start. So, please bear with me. First off, I am unsure about pretty much my entire identity. I was pretty confident in who I was for a while, choosing to identify as panromantic/pansexual, polyamorous, demiromantic, and cis female. But lately, almost all of that has been turned on its head. I suppose I can take each of those terms and spell out my confusion.

 

Panromantic/pansexual: I believe this one is the one I'm least uncertain about (but still a bit to a certain degree). Pan means "attraction regardless of gender" and I believe that still stands for me. The idea of romantic attraction itself is the biggest issue here. Is it based on compatibility? Or do we need to want to pursue a relationship with that person for it to really be considered romantic? I still find myself attracted to others regardless of how they identify, but is it romantic or a purely aesthetic appreciation? I've looked into a few other terms (quoiromantic. idemromantic, and lithromantic) but I'm so unsure about everything at the moment that none of them seem to really stick.

 

My last relationship I believe was the tipping point for a lot of this. I had been musing about feelings towards someone, who was openly and admittedly attracted to me, for about a year until one of my friends told me that we're basically already dating. Only then did I actually try pursuing a relationship with them. During our time being together, nothing really felt any different than before. The only big changes were the labels (i.e. I became "the girlfriend") and the types of pda we would do. That basically amounted to a bit more public snuggling than before. I've always been one to hug, kiss on the cheeks/head, and otherwise pamper my friends. We only ever kissed once, and it was very hurried and chaste. They later ended up breaking up with me, but I wasn't particularly put off or sad about it. We agreed that we'll still be close friends and that was that.

 

 

Cut out the rest of it because this is the only bit that I really am wondering about. Any thoughts/feedback would be nice, and thank you very much for reading.

[Just a Quail]

Questioning and searching for new labels can be quite the long process, so it's okay if you're unsure of things right now. 

 

5 hours ago, Emery Grey said:

The idea of romantic attraction itself is the biggest issue here. Is it based on compatibility? Or do we need to want to pursue a relationship with that person for it to really be considered romantic?

As someone who falls under the aromantic spectrum I have a bit of trouble understanding romantic attraction at times. But from how I've seen it definied, desiring to be in a romantic relationship with someone usually is an indicator of romantic attraction. It's possible other type of attraction are at play here. You can prompt yourself to figure out what sort of thoughts or feelings you have when feeling attracted to someone, and see if it fits more with other kind of attractions. Of course, it's good to keep in mind that a lot of these things can overlap, since we can feel several types of attraction at once. 

 

For me personally, I found that while I can relate to some aspects of having crushes and feeling a sort of romantic pull towards people, I relate a lot more to platonic and aesthetic attraction. I settled with the label grayromantic because it felt the most right for my experience. Microlabels are great for many people, because they provide validation for all the different ways people experience a/romanticism. But they can also be rather limiting and confusing, so don't feel bad if nothing is sticking yet. 

 

Questioning can be such a confusing and frustrating spot to be in. Just remember this:

1.) It's okay to take your time with questioning. A lot of times, the only way we can really know is through time and experience.

2.) Labels are awesome, but at the end of the day it's most important to do what feels right to you.

 

I hope this helps! ❤️

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On 9/15/2020 at 10:43 AM, Just a Quail said:

I settled with the label grayromantic

Thank you for your reply, and apologies for a late response. I might just toss around grayromantic for a bit and see if I like it. I do usually prefer to see if there's a more specific label that fits but we'll just have to see.

[Just a Quail]

4 hours ago, Emery Grey said:

Thank you for your reply, and apologies for a late response. I might just toss around grayromantic for a bit and see if I like it. I do usually prefer to see if there's a more specific label that fits but we'll just have to see.

No need to apologize, it's all good! I do like the idea of using specific labels too, but I haven't found one that fits quite right. What's nice about broad labels is that they give you more room to embrace different experiences. So for me I'm able to find more comfort instead of doubting my orientation. I hope you're able to find something like that too, whether it's grayro or some other label!