Am i asexual????

[lemonli]

Hi so im 19 and a cis-female. i feel kinda awkward but ive wondered this for such a long time. idk. this feels really personal and TMI WARNING OOF but i guess idk really what sexual attraction means or feels like. ive hated genitalia since i was young and it took me so so long (til around 17???) to be comfortable with my own body in that way. i can get turned on but i never desire actual sex. like, being touched feels good but like i dont want sex at all. im repulsed by sex. im repulsed by male genitalia strongly even tho im attracted to guys. i cant tell whether its from some trauma from recently (within the past year), but i dont want it at all no no no. i have an intense fear of body invasion (needles and stuff) and i think sex fall under it??? thats what it feels like in my brain to me at least so far. sex ed was very uncomfy the whole time. i was frightened of the day they were gonna show pictures but i was lucky and got sick that day and missed it. i always look away from genitalia becauses im very disinterested and yuck no. sexual scenes in books and movies still turn me on, but not in the way that i want sex with any of the people involved. reading through some info i think i have sometimes experienced sexual attraction but not a really strong drive to actually do any of it. maybe some drive to do the softly sexual stuff but anything with clothes coming off and actualy sex NO no no no thank you no drive to do any of that. i dont think id ever enjoy actual sex despite saying i would (which i think is just a defense tactic and in reality im completely lying to myself and others). idk. anyway ive been with my bf for 1.5 years (possibly breaking up to note) and he is very sexual and thinks about sex and stuff very often and i dont (i cant tell whether hes just hypersexual or hes normal and i never knew that it was normal to be that sexual). like when im turned on i dont think about sex at all. its a huge turn off. my bf and I have done some stuff and, although it felt good, there was that unsureness and discomfort there the whole time. does that fall under asexuality? it that what it is? like ive been sexual before sure but idk how much i actually enjoyed it. it doesnt feel as amazing and such as people always says it does honestly. if i never was sexual again i dont think id miss it one bit. pls help im so confused (and have been for so long) and im so sorry if ive missed something, im really new to all of this. 

Edited September 15, 2020 by lemonli
to add more info and fix typos

[Anthracite_Impreza]

We aren't allowed to tell you what you are, but if you never desire sex for any reason, possibly. You could also just not be in the right relationship or have done the right "stuff" to have found the sexuality you're into. There is no way to know for certain especially at a younger age, you just have to go with what fits best now (or of course, you don't have to label at all).

[DogNamedJazz]

Welcome! It can be confusing when you are questioning you’re sexuality. Know that we’ve all been there and support you during this process. I can relate to some of the things you wrote especially about sex repulsion but not everything and that’s okay. You won’t probably relate to some of my experiences either because we are all individuals. Unfortunately, there is no one who can look at your life and tell you one way or the other. It is something that we all have to come to terms with on our own. I can tell you that one thing that helped me was reading on this forum and watching YouTube videos of people who are asexual to see a variety of different peoples’ experiences. Another thing that helped me was talking with a counselor who could help me process past trauma and help me understand if/how it was influencing my present. 
Even though we can’t answer your question for you, know that we are here to support you on your journey!