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New and confused and afraid.


Un4281

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Hi. New here. Not sure what to say. Over a decade of marriage. Blended family with four wonderful kids. 

 Marriage has been struggling on and off for quite a few years. I feel we usually can talk. I'm finding out , have always known to be honest, W(42f) has always been unable to fully communicate  to me (48M). The past two years  have been truly difficult, W suffering with her own mental health issues, and past traumas. Me more recently struggling with me own. I have thought we had always been able to keep in touch, talk things out. 

 The last two year things have become difficult to non existant in the bedroom. With sporadic times, like the passionate time that had been our norm for years. Five months ago he has come out to me a asexual, but doesn't  know where she fits. Ace, gray, demi.... 

 I truly would like to talk about it, but part of her m/h and trauma issues result in her inability to just says anything. She tries at time, but the dialog is deflection, secretive, or just goes unanswered.

 I am in love with this woman. We have a life built up together. 

 How do I encourage her to talk. How do I find my role. 

 How does this work?

 

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Hello, welcome to AVEN. ^^

 

The community here is pretty chill & there's always someone new joining, it's great to know that the ace community is growing & people are becoming more aware. 

 

I'm happy that you & your wife have a family together & that you want to work on communicating more with her, it's nice to know that you care a lot about her. Unfortunately, it's not easy to get a person to open up about certain topics that might not be easy to discuss. The thing about trauma is that it can choke a person up & make it hard to even acknowledge, the shock alone from an event (or events if there are more than one) is hard to even bring up in the first place. Your wife is trying as you've stated, but there's something that seems to be stopping her from just opening up & giving you insight on what she's endured.

 

Obviously, you can't force someone to open up & you can't try to pick their mind. It might be difficult, but having patience & waiting are some of the things that would help a person out when it comes to speaking about a past trauma. As someone who's been put in a position where I've been forced to speak on matters that still scar me to this day, having someone be patient with me always makes me feel as though I can open up with no fears. I'm not implying that you're being forceful or assuming you are, but I'm emphasizing this because force only weakens trust when it comes to communication from my experience & from what I've seen around me as well.

 

If your wife recently came out to you as ace yet isn't sure where on the spectrum she fits, then there is nothing wrong with her. The fact that you love her knowing she's ace is already one step that could help her open up to you more, especially given how little some people know about asexuality as an orientation. I don't know what you can do aside from offering encouraging words to let her know you're there for her, showing an open-mindedness towards her sexual orientation or even showing her the AVEN website might help as well. Going to therapy together might also help if you're both open to the idea, but that's up to you two to decide. Then again, you can each go separately if she isn't ready to do couples therapy.

 

As her husband, you seem to already have a role; you're her support, you're part of what keeps the marriage afloat. Please don't be hard on yourself or take blame if she doesn't open up for a while, working on communication is a non-stop process that doesn't end. The fact that you want to be able to talk more about something as serious as your/her mental health & her traumas shows that you genuinely love her, I commend you for it & wish you the best !

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5 hours ago, Un4281 said:

Hi. New here. Not sure what to say. Over a decade of marriage. Blended family with four wonderful kids. 

 Marriage has been struggling on and off for quite a few years. I feel we usually can talk. I'm finding out , have always known to be honest, W(42f) has always been unable to fully communicate  to me (48M). The past two years  have been truly difficult, W suffering with her own mental health issues, and past traumas. Me more recently struggling with me own. I have thought we had always been able to keep in touch, talk things out. 

 The last two year things have become difficult to non existant in the bedroom. With sporadic times, like the passionate time that had been our norm for years. Five months ago he has come out to me a asexual, but doesn't  know where she fits. Ace, gray, demi.... 

 I truly would like to talk about it, but part of her m/h and trauma issues result in her inability to just says anything. She tries at time, but the dialog is deflection, secretive, or just goes unanswered.

 I am in love with this woman. We have a life built up together. 

 How do I encourage her to talk. How do I find my role. 

 How does this work?

 

Yes, when the talk is hard to do, then it is quite difficult to solve these issues. I am the one talking in my relationship (a bit like yours) and she does not really think much about it (sex,romance, sweet words, touch,love...)

what we have is an agreement to have sex by schedule and for my sake. We love eachother and occasionally she likes to receive sex, but mostly sex is done from a perpective that i need it and she is okay with giving some. It takes away the mutually magic feel, but keeps her+love in the equation.

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  • 2 months later...

Several months have gone by and things are declining.  Couples therapy that completely skirt this issue.

I have no idea what to think. The past five years have been a roller coaster of months if being ignored for the most part to now all last straight out denial. Intermixed with periods of the same passionate connection we used to have. No rhyme or reason. And she has been unable to explain. The last few times have just felt uncomfortable, both initiated by her, to result that I  have the feeling of just being serviced. No connection, talking or even participating other than manually for her. The most sad part is missing the most passionate kissing partner I have ever had. I don't  right g ot up or even attempt to initiate anymore. The occasional flat do you want to spend time together with her toy.

 It is the lack of communication and unknown about what she is thinking. On the times she does I initiate it, why? What is different that day? What can I do to make the feeling of pressure go away. I don't ever want her to be pressure, "do her duty" or just sympathy or guilt f#%@.

 Feeling completely lost, left out and at times humiliated.

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10 hours ago, Un4281 said:

Several months have gone by and things are declining.  Couples therapy that completely skirt this issue.

I have no idea what to think. The past five years have been a roller coaster of months if being ignored for the most part to now all last straight out denial. Intermixed with periods of the same passionate connection we used to have. No rhyme or reason. And she has been unable to explain. The last few times have just felt uncomfortable, both initiated by her, to result that I  have the feeling of just being serviced. No connection, talking or even participating other than manually for her. The most sad part is missing the most passionate kissing partner I have ever had. I don't  right g ot up or even attempt to initiate anymore. The occasional flat do you want to spend time together with her toy.

 It is the lack of communication and unknown about what she is thinking. On the times she does I initiate it, why? What is different that day? What can I do to make the feeling of pressure go away. I don't ever want her to be pressure, "do her duty" or just sympathy or guilt f#%@.

 Feeling completely lost, left out and at times humiliated.

If she wont talk, even in therapy, then you may never know why the differences. Or why she initiates. Maybe she gives you sex when her libido is up out of love, but masturbation would be easier hence the lack of passion ? Maybe she just feels bad saying no so long? 

 

If she has trauma in her past, then it could be blocking a lot of connection. Sounds like it is making emotional intimacy through communication impossible. 

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It is really hard to know what is going on in someone else's brain if they aren't being communicative. And, she may not be able to adequately articulate what she is feeling, perhaps because she doesn't yet know herself what she is feeling. I know this may sound like a corny idea, (I've been reading several books by the Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh) - you could try taking her hand, stop everything you're doing and look at her - really look - and with deep meaning and concern and say something to the effect of, "I'm sorry you're suffering. I'm suffering too. Let's figure out a way to help ease each other's suffering. I'm here for you." It might be just enough of an opening for her to feel comfortable enough to talk. 

P.S. I'm new here, too. 😊

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