An Asexual Future

[gHuddo]

I want to say upfront that this aimed more for the aroace community, although thoughts of all aspec are always welcome.

 

I've been thinking a lot about what the coming decades will look like, what a life of an asexual person looks like. Friends of mine are getting married, talking about finding a home, having kids. I don't know any local aces, so im surrounded by people in relationships. Perhaps this is not the right place for it, but I'm curious what life means for people who are aroace. There is so much about finding your soulmate, falling in love being some pinnacle of the human experience. The idea of a person, expecially a woman, living alone for their whole life always seen as sad. So please, for more mature aces who are comfortable, what does life look like for you? For those without partners, do you live alone, or are there oppertunities to still live with another person outsode of a romantic relationship? What are those life milestones (things in the level of allos talking about their wedding day, birth of a child, etc) that you're proud to have reached?

 

I feel like so many of the stories of asexual experience is from those under 30, and so personally it can be difficult to think what my life may look like far in the future.

[Scottthespy]

Well, I'm just over thirty, but a few personal milestones include 'becoming a manager at my workplace', 'owning a home', and 'getting investments with a proper broker'.  

 

I don't think living alone is sad, if you enjoy your solitude, which I do. Unfortunately I do not live alone, my dad and his girlfriend live with me. Sometimes its nice to have help with the chores and the bills, but most of the time I sit in my corner and they sit in theirs and we don't really interact. That's a 'personal relationships' issue though, not an ace one. If you had a good relationship with the person you were living with, I'm sure it would be nicer.

[Astrea]

Well, first... take a long hard look at the people around you : do you believe that allosexual romantic people find a soulmate and fall in love, reaching the high of human experience? I don't. What I mourned when I found out I was aroace was the kind of romance you could see in books or on tv, but if that exists in real life, I've certainly never seen it.
I am an aroace in my 30s, I live alone (well, with 3 rabbits and a dog, but... in a human-free house ^^) in an 'old people' town. My neighbours are between 65 and 80 years old. They are all romantic allosexual who have been married and have children. They all live alone. They got divorced or their spouse died, their children grew older and moved in far away towns... their life isn't different from what mine will probably be, except that they didn't chose this and don't know what to do with their 'single' lifestyle (my next door neighbour was widowed at 60, 5 years ago, she was married at 18 and she doesn't dare to take the plane or go to the restaurant on her own because she never did ANYTHING alone and doesn't even know what she wants to do because she never took her own decisions or made her choices on her own... that's kind of sad, really).
The fact that being alone is perceived as 'especially sad' for a woman proves that it's a social construct. Being sad actually doesn't have much to do with being part of a couple or having children - a lot of people who are married with kids are plenty sad. ^^
I'm not saying that it can't feel a bit lonely sometimes. It does. It's also a bit scary to imagine being old and isolated. But when I think about that, I always remind myself of Rebecca Zani. Mrs Zani had a spouse and children, and when she aged, they just put her in a retirement home where they went to see her so little she died eaten alive by mites (that's a true story, she was also a Hollywood starlet in her youth... what can I say, I like minor news items ^^). So, yeah... in the end, you are there for yourself and married or having children doesn't change that much.
It also has its perks. I'm very free to do whatever I want whenever I want. I don't have to accommodate anyone ever about anything. Not having to discuss anything or to ask anyone about things is also a big time saver and spares me a lot of anxiety and grief. So, we live like jedis and there is nothing really sad about it ^^

[Raindrops]

For me, I'm just focusing on what I want to do work-wise for my future. 🙂 My dream is to be able to make a living doing something I enjoy, and owning several cats. When it comes to people, I'd love to have some close friends too. 💜 I sometimes mourn over not having that magical perfect relationship, but then I remember.. they barely exist. 😋

[everywhere and nowhere]

I'm not a very successful person the way it is usually understood - I struggle financially a lot, so far I have been unable to earn much. (There is another factor here: I'm a chronically ill person, which means that I couldn't work in just any given profession.) But despite this, I'm generally satisfied with my life - also because, maybe out of necessity, I just refuse to consider only the "external" life meaningful. I have been keeping a diary since I was nine years old (I'm 39 now), gradually it developed into less "Today I did this and that", and more into philosophical and sociopolitical reflections - altogether, it made me develop an early penchant for introspection and this is what allows me to remain convinced that even if I'm not particularly successful professionally, I am not a failure because my inner life means a lot to me.

I don't consider myself aro, I am able to fall in love and I would like to be in a relationship (although, not a traditional one... Poland doesn't have same-sex marriage or even registered partnerships anyway, but also, for example: I can't imagine not living alone, I'm so used to it... I would prefer to have a girlfriend I could talk to every day, see each other often, but without living together)... but in practice I live like aromantic people because I just don't know how to form a relationship.

As I wrote, inner life is very important for me and since you specifically ask about "milestones"... gaining some experience with psychedelic drugs, instead of only theory, was an important step for me. In a way, it had to be this way also because my "world record in Waiting" forced me to think of it as so important, to experience my waiting as desperate yearning. It was a very long story... I have experienced a psychedelic fascination since the age of twelve. Even if I, at that point (at least in the beginning) didn't seriously consider trying a psychedelic, I was influenced by narcophobia just like most people and, therefore, terrified of my fascination - also early, that is, around the age of 15-16, I started gaining an increased theoretical knowledge, which allowed me to look at these substances in a more serious way, to realise their philosophical / spiritual / cognitive potential - which was also one of the factors which allowed my own view to slowly shift from "But these are drugs!" to "Everyone has a right to this experience". As an example of my early theoretical knowledge, I still remember how, around the age of 17, I was sitting at my best friend's home, in the kitchen ("women's chatting in the kitchen" can be much more subversive than you would think...), and telling her mother (!) the story of the Good Friday Experiment... Still, for many reasons - from my fascination moving into latency from 1999 to 2005, to my low social skills, and later just - being too embarassed to directly ask a friend about access to substances? - I first tried a psychedelic drug at the age of 30, exactly 18 years and 10 days after the moment which sparked my fascination...

My mother accepts my asexuality - well, she doesn't really have a say about it ; while I started identifying as asexual when I was about 26 years old - already much, much earlier (since the age of five) I was open about not wanting to marry or have children, so she has had a lot time to get used to it. Unfortunately, she is much less ready to accept that I use psychedelic drugs; she was unwilling enough to change her mind about this topic that, since my coming out, we have went back to sedulously dodging the topic. Which I regret to an extent and perhaps, if the topic comes back for some reason, I'll ask openly: "And what would you say about trying it to make up your own mind?".

 

Have you noticed how "family or career?" is a question used to pretty much terrorise women? Read Susan Faludi's "Backlash", it shows how the 1980s obsessively biological thinking about gender lead to a lot of equally obsessive attempts to prove that having both is impossible. Yet, as an asexual woman, I am able to look at it from a yet different perspetive - that is, I cannot fail to notice the hole in place of a potential response "neither family nor career", its status of something Unthinkable. It transcends the attempts at dividing all women into "good women" who choose family, "bad women" who choose career, and the naive ones who still believe that it's possible to have both. Not that I really have any illusions about how the fourth response would be perceived - a woman who rejects both family life and caring much about a career would be perceived as a social dropout, misfit, abject. But still the absence of this potential response in discussions is significant. As if what was truly subversive was not women potentially choosing "career" instead of "family" - but rather women understanding that life is not reduced to these two, that there is much more to life and that they can choose whatever they want...

[Rockblossom]

I'm a 69-year-old aroace who never married or had children, and never had the slightest desire to do either.  The worst part has been the constant social pressure to "pair off" and a society built around couples.   Singles tend to be isolated by society unless they "conform to the norm" and at least pretend to be like everyone else.  Dinner invites that require a +1, house bathrooms built with double vanities, vacation packages that charge extra for a single-occupancy room, etc.  Being an introvert, I always treasured my time alone even if other people were "feeling sorry" for my lack of company.   

 

Now that I'm retired, I'm pretty happy.  I own a home in the country and I love the quiet.  My only real concern is becoming less able to do things in the coming years and worrying that if I'm forced into some kind of care facility, I will have no one to check up on me.  But then, married couples face the same thing when one of them dies before the other, leaving the survivor to cope with life alone.  On balance, I'd rather be me with a lifetime of making my own decisions and taking care of problems than someone facing being alone for the first time.  

[daveb]

I guess one way to look at it is the freedom and opportunity to make the kind of life you want, not the kind others might expect of you. The expectations aren't always everything they're made out to be.

[Tunhope]

57 minutes ago, Rockblossom said:

My only real concern is becoming less able to do things in the coming years and worrying that if I'm forced into some kind of care facility, I will have no one to check up on me.  But then, married couples face the same thing when one of them dies before the other, leaving the survivor to cope with life alone.  On balance, I'd rather be me with a lifetime of making my own decisions and taking care of problems than someone facing being alone for the first time.  

This is my fear. The chance that my husband of many, many years will die at the same time as I do... well, that's so very remote. In a sense, I hope that he dies first. Although it will be very hard, I think I will cope better than he will . Not on a practical level, but on a mental one.

 

[isnotajoke]

I'm a mid-30s aro/ace. To answer your question, I live alone now. I spent many years living with a roommate (who is also a good friend), but wanted to see how I did on my own. I have a career that (while time consuming) is fulfilling and rewarding. I don't have a partner, but I have friends who are still there for me even after meeting their spouses/partners. I'm in a good place mentally and working to improve. I recognize that I'm off the script a bit, but I like my life. I still get FOMO/anxiety here and there (weddings, parties where I'm the only unattached person, etc), but I'm better able to recognize it for what it is and not take it as an indictment of me than when I was younger.

 

Like others, I worry a bit about logistical problems as I get older. Getting a ride to the doctor or urgent care, having someone around to help get you food if you're sick, etc seems harder if you live alone (though, as has been pointed out, this is hardly a problem exclusive to aro/ace folks). There's also the lingering fear that I'll decide in 10 or 15 years that I really want a live-in romantic partner and will have to unlearn a bunch of habits I picked up living alone. Not a lot I can really do about those things, though. For now, I'm happy to live well in the present.

[will123]

I found out about asexuality (and identified as ace) when I was 44. I'll be 59 next month. I never had any worries about the future at the time. I was just glad to know why even though I thought I was straight, I never put much effort into sex (I'm a virgin) or a relationship. I finally figured out what aro meant a couple of years ago). Looking back I was probably aromantic from the get go in high school.

[thylacine]

On 9/13/2020 at 9:36 AM, gHuddo said:

I want to say upfront that this aimed more for the aroace community, although thoughts of all aspec are always welcome.

 

I've been thinking a lot about what the coming decades will look like, what a life of an asexual person looks like. Friends of mine are getting married, talking about finding a home, having kids. I don't know any local aces, so im surrounded by people in relationships. Perhaps this is not the right place for it, but I'm curious what life means for people who are aroace. There is so much about finding your soulmate, falling in love being some pinnacle of the human experience. The idea of a person, expecially a woman, living alone for their whole life always seen as sad. So please, for more mature aces who are comfortable, what does life look like for you? For those without partners, do you live alone, or are there oppertunities to still live with another person outsode of a romantic relationship? What are those life milestones (things in the level of allos talking about their wedding day, birth of a child, etc) that you're proud to have reached?

 

I feel like so many of the stories of asexual experience is from those under 30, and so personally it can be difficult to think what my life may look like far in the future.

I am 56...in my late 20's and 30's I wondered about some of the same things, however...

 

As time goes on, you will most likely see a lot of your married friends ending up in divorce court.  Sorry, but it's true.  Also, as time goes on, they will have problems with their teenage kids as well - drugs, the cops coming to the house, teen pregnancy, car crashes... stuff like that.

 

So... make a lot of good friends.  Volunteer.  Do stuff.  Travel.  Have adventures.  Let everyone else's life go to hell and have a good time.  You are going to be spared the misery that the majority will go through.  Don't forget to have ten cats.

[mxmace]

On 10/15/2020 at 8:03 PM, thylacine said:

So... make a lot of good friends.  Volunteer.  Do stuff.  Travel.  Have adventures.  Let everyone else's life go to hell and have a good time.  You are going to be spared the misery that the majority will go through.  Don't forget to have ten cats.

This is excellent advice (although I'd replace the cats with dogs). I used to think it would be really sad and scary to live alone... but it's totally not. I still have some visions that I'll live with someone of like mind in my older age... you know, when we're feeble and need someone to call 911 when we fall and break a hip. But maybe that will just be in a senior living community. Who knows!

[thylacine]

16 hours ago, mxmace said:

This is excellent advice (although I'd replace the cats with dogs). I used to think it would be really sad and scary to live alone... but it's totally not. I still have some visions that I'll live with someone of like mind in my older age... you know, when we're feeble and need someone to call 911 when we fall and break a hip. But maybe that will just be in a senior living community. Who knows!

Yeah... and who knows... maybe even adopt some foster kids... make sure the little brats don't burn down the house.

[Homer]

I go to work and then I travel. Well, not this year, but you get the idea.

 

I have got absolutely no room for romance in my life. Living alone rules (however, I'd love to have a dog again some day). Working with the public all day means that the less people around me when I'm off work, the better. I am extremely picky about who I will expose myself to in my spare time. The idea of constantly having children around me is terrifying. Falling in love easily makes the top 3 of my personal list of least pleasurable feelings. I sure hope that it never strikes again.

 

I don't care about conventional "milestones" and take things on as they come. If all of that is for you, cool. It's definitely not for me. If my future looks like my present, I'm set. (Well, you know, apart from travel restrictions and no football.)

[Let Them Beet Cake]

On 9/13/2020 at 9:36 AM, gHuddo said:

I want to say upfront that this aimed more for the aroace community, although thoughts of all aspec are always welcome.

 

I've been thinking a lot about what the coming decades will look like, what a life of an asexual person looks like. Friends of mine are getting married, talking about finding a home, having kids. I don't know any local aces, so im surrounded by people in relationships. Perhaps this is not the right place for it, but I'm curious what life means for people who are aroace. There is so much about finding your soulmate, falling in love being some pinnacle of the human experience. The idea of a person, expecially a woman, living alone for their whole life always seen as sad. So please, for more mature aces who are comfortable, what does life look like for you? For those without partners, do you live alone, or are there oppertunities to still live with another person outsode of a romantic relationship? What are those life milestones (things in the level of allos talking about their wedding day, birth of a child, etc) that you're proud to have reached?

 

I feel like so many of the stories of asexual experience is from those under 30, and so personally it can be difficult to think what my life may look like far in the future.

I'm a 61 year old woman who lives alone and my life is far from sad!  The milestones you mention, weddings and kids, were never for me.  My big milestone was getting to all 50 states, all the Canadian provinces except Nunavut and NW Territories and almost all of the continents, except Antarctica.   As for the future, I'll take it as it comes.  Got my family and friends, those are the relationships that matter to me.