Asexual men - how do you have intercourse?

[aficionado]

I'm not sure how to ask this, since it is a bit embarrassing for me. And pardon me if my choice of words are inappropriate below, since English isn't my first language, and I don't know how else  I can express myself.

 

I'm a 35 year old man - heteromantic asexual. I'm definitely not impotent, since I have do sometimes get randomly sexually aroused. I don't mind having sex if a partner wants it, although I am not sexually attracted to anyone.

 

Now here is where it gets a bit awkward. I don't always get an erection when a partner initiates intimacy. So even if/when I am willing to have sex with them, I usually can't. I got dumped by my partner recently, since she was supposedly 'frustrated' by my inability to have sex with her 9 out of 10 times, although I was willing (due to not getting erections). And even in the past, I have been dumped for the same reason. 

 

Of course, the ideal solution is to seek a woman who is also asexual. But considering how rare asexuals are, I don't want to spend the rest of my life seeking that needle in a haystack. And I am completely fine with a woman who wants semi-regular sex, if only I could actually get those damn erections before attempting intercourse.

 

I have been considering treatments for erectile dysfunction, but from what I know, these pills don't necessarily arouse a person, but only helps them to get and maintain erections after they are aroused.  And what I have isn't necessarily erectile dysfunction anyway.

 

I would really appreciate tips/suggestions from fellow asexual men who are able to have sex for the sake of their partner. Actually, I welcome suggestions from anyone who may have an idea about this.

 

Thank you.

[buzzsaw133]

I've actually had a similar issue... best advice I can give is do research on tantra, massage, kinks, etc. But above all, communicate and develop that emotional bond that you and your partner share. There are PLENTY of ways to satisfy your partner while never getting an erection.

[aficionado]

11 minutes ago, buzzsaw133 said:

There are PLENTY of ways to satisfy your partner while never getting an erection.

Thank you!

 

Unless she specifically wants penetrative sex, which most women do. 😔

[aficionado]

5 minutes ago, CBC said:

But yes, I'd caution against using them, tbh. I've had sex with someone who did and the side effects were quite unpleasant. It's also simply not a sustainable solution.

Thank you!

 

Do you have any suggestions? Any other way I CAN get aroused and have sex?

[buzzsaw133]

4 minutes ago, aficionado said:

Thank you!

 

Unless she specifically wants penetrative sex, which most women do. 😔

Don't be afraid to use toys.

Also... trust is a big part. Talk to her. Find out what her kinks and fantasies are, then learn how to make those happen.

 

I mean no offense in any way by this... but always leave 'em breathless.

[Guest]

21 minutes ago, aficionado said:

Thank you!

 

Do you have any suggestions? Any other way I CAN get aroused and have sex?

You can use your mouth or fingers or toys on your partner, a lot of women love that :3 

 

I can't think of any suggestions to get you aroused specifically unless there's a particular kind of porn you enjoy that you could watch before intercourse? if she doesn't mind of course. Maybe she would want to watch with you  

[Janus the Fox]

Moved to For Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies

 

Janus DarkFox

Questions about Asexuality, Asexual Musings and Rantings & Open Mic Moderator

[daveb]

I understand and empathize with the embarrassment. As a male, when I was in a relationship (before discovering asexuality was a thing) I never found a solution that worked for me for the kind of issue you are talking about. Even with stuff like viagra, assuming an erection happens and is maintained by the drug, climaxing/orgasm doesn't necessarily happen. Seems like some guys are able to perform, but I don't know how myself.

 

Good luck!

[aficionado]

18 hours ago, buzzsaw133 said:

Don't be afraid to use toys.

This sounds like a good plan! I was considering a pump or something.

[aficionado]

18 hours ago, PanFicto. said:

You can use your mouth or fingers or toys on your partner, a lot of women love that :3 

Thank you!

 

Yes, I will be looking into these if/when I find a partner again.

[aficionado]

7 hours ago, daveb said:

I understand and empathize with the embarrassment. As a male, when I was in a relationship (before discovering asexuality was a thing) I never found a solution that worked for me for the kind of issue you are talking about. Even with stuff like viagra, assuming an erection happens and is maintained by the drug, climaxing/orgasm doesn't necessarily happen. Seems like some guys are able to perform, but I don't know how myself.

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you for replying. You are right, I just have to find some ways.

[Guest]

20 hours ago, PanFicto. said:

You can use your mouth or fingers or toys on your partner, a lot of women love that :3 

Yeah. Though some do require PiV. So... just talk about what is acceptable or not with partners. 

 

20 hours ago, PanFicto. said:

 

 

I can't think of any suggestions to get you aroused specifically unless there's a particular kind of porn you enjoy that you could watch before intercourse? if she doesn't mind of course. Maybe she would want to watch with you  

Word of caution here: lots of women will be plenty offended with "I can only get aroused enough to have sex if we watch porn first" so... be careful. It can be a solution that works for some. But, it can also come off as "sorry, I dont find you pretty enough so I need a porn actress to get me going and pretend I'm having sex with her"... so use care if you suggest this one. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Serran said:

Yeah. Though some do require PiV. So... just talk about what is acceptable or not with partners. 

 

Word of caution here: lots of women will be plenty offended with "I can only get aroused enough to have sex if we watch porn first" so... be careful. It can be a solution that works for some. But, it can also come off as "sorry, I dont find you pretty enough so I need a porn actress to get me going and pretend I'm having sex with her"... so use care if you suggest this one. 

A lot of sexual women would rather be having sex with their partner than not having it, and would be grateful for anything that can help their partner become aroused enough for sex + be grateful that their partner is actively trying to find non-PIV alternatives if they are unable to preform PIV. I was only giving advice based on what the OP was asking.  

[Lara Black]

Hello, @aficionado

It has already been mentioned that finger stimulation and oral sex can be a good enough alternative to traditional sex. So I’m just going to add a bit of personal experience.

 

My ace partner and I have been together for four years, and we’ve never had traditional PtoV sex. But he’s gotten so good at pleasuring me with his fingers and mouth, that he’s the best sex in my life.

 

However, these things are often underestimated by women who can always have traditional sex, so it might be a good idea to ask for a trial period during which you can show how good you can make her feel. And it would be useful to check the theory in advance (to know what you’re doing there) and to monitor the girl’s reaction while you’re pleasuring her – to see what makes her really hot.

 

Also, it greatly improved our sex life when we’ve found each other’s kinks. We both have some little things that seem too embarrassing to disclose (at least, right away), but that make us crazy aroused. And many people have these little “magic tricks” that set their excitement to max. I mean, some people like light BDSM, some like to watch or be watched and a hundred more possible kinks.

Not everyone does, of course, but it might be worth looking for.

So if you have something like that yourself, if you find and incorporate it into your foreplay, you might be able to greatly improve your erection. If you find these “magic tricks” for your next girlfriend, she might not care about whether you’re erect or not.

Good luck!

[aficionado]

12 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

she might not care about whether you’re erect or not.

Thanks for your response, gives me hope!

 

Although I need to avoid women who may want biological kids, since that would require me to indulge in PiV sex.

[Guest]

38 minutes ago, aficionado said:

Thanks for your response, gives me hope!

 

Although I need to avoid women who may want biological kids, since that would require me to indulge in PiV sex.

There are other ways to have babies these days that don't involve actually having sex, for determined people! She can put your semen inside her manually without you needing to have sex with her yourself. Not all women will be okay with that, but there are women out there who would think it's worth it I'm sure