Coming Out Catastrophe

[ellunar_eclipse]

Let's give a little backstory first. I figured out I was ace sometime this year. I can't remember exactly when I figured it out for certain, but I remember feeling a mix of elation at finally figuring out why I was so different from everyone else, and dread at the thought of having to come out to everyone. But I did it. Slowly but surely, I began coming out to my close friends, as I knew that many of them were in the LGBTQ+ community and were very accepting people. To my surprise all of the friends that I told were not only very accepting, but very supportive and excited for me and my discovery. Two of my friends are Christian, much like myself, and I was nervous about how they might react, but they were also very accepting and open with the idea, as well as the LGBTQ+ community, and that was a huge relief. However, I had yet to come out to any significant family members besides my brother, who was also very accepting. I tried to tell my grandmother about it, but she, like many others, simply thought it was a phase. She told me that sex was a 'beautiful thing' and that I'll find the right person one day, and I was too tired to argue with her. Honestly, I don't even think she remembers the conversation ever happened, and maybe it's better she didn't.

 

All of that being said, I decided that it was finally time to tell my mother about my asexuality. Now, keep in mind that I'm talking to my conservative, Christian mother, a woman who I've never really talked to about sexuality or the LGBTQ+ community, and I have no idea how she feels about it one way or another. I approached her at night after everyone else had gone to sleep, and I told her I was asexual. She had no idea what that term even meant, so I had to define it for her... five times. Even after I explained it numerous different ways, she still didn't really get it. She didn't understand the LGBTQ+ community and she didn't understand my need to 'label myself'. She kept telling me that this might all be a phase that I could outgrow and she didn't want me to jump the gun and label myself as anything yet, even though I'm turning eighteen in a couple weeks and there are people much younger who discover their asexuality and by all means, I'm a bit of a late discoverer of my sexuality, at least among today's standards. She asked me if I feared intimacy, to which I replied no. I love being intimate with people. I long for hugs, cuddles, kisses on the cheek, all of the physical affection I can get, especially since I'm touch-starved by my family. She asked me if I knew what sex was, and I'm going to be honest here, I don't really know all that sex entails. I've never really wanted to know much of anything about it, because the mere thought of having sex makes me feel sick. And I told her as much. I know as much as I need to in order to know that I don't want it in my life. She got a bit emotional at the thought that I might never experience the 'wonders' of having sex and the 'joys' of holding your baby for the first time. I understand where she's coming from. She's a sexual being. It's not in her nature to truly understand that my sexual desire isn't there. But I wish she would at least take the time and effort to try and understand. I don't want sex. I think it's disgusting and I want nothing to do with it. I don't want to have my own kids. I would much rather adopt children who don't have a family of their own instead of starting a new one. She just doesn't get that.

 

In the end, she said that she didn't understand, but she was willing to do her research and try to figure things out a bit more, which I am grateful for. As far as I know, she hasn't started her research yet, though, and it's been a week or so since then, so I'm a bit afraid she forgot. I'm going to email her some trustworthy sources soon and hopefully things will be okay. I just don't know what my boundaries are. She didn't say she was against me being asexual, but she also didn't say she was cool with me buying pride stuff and openly celebrating my sexuality, so I don't know where we stand. I guess for now I'll just have to wait and see. I just hope that one day she will accept me exactly as I am.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

I hope it works out for you. Quite a few parents don't really understand, but at least she didn't reject it outright. If your coming out is a catastrophe then I don't want to think what you'd call my coming out to my mom as trans. I don't want to say count yourself lucky, but I think you have more potential for things to be alright, maybe with time and also with the material you want to send her. You have time, so keep open if you can

[anisotrophic]

2 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I don't want to think what you'd call my coming out to my mom as trans

lol yeah. word.

 

tbh it might be hard if you’re young, just let time pass? Coming out as ace at the age of like 30 or so probably gets more of a “oh that explains it” reaction (that’s what I was like when someone that age came out to me — after knowing them for many years)

 

And please don’t commit to proving your mother wrong. The orientation should be a description, not a commitment

[ellunar_eclipse]

@Sarah-Sylvia Thank you for the encouragement. I was by no means suggesting that my coming out worse than yours. I am perfectly aware that there are so many people who have had worse experiences, some of them being my friends themselves. The title was purposefully over-exaggerated because that's how the whole situation felt at the time. I have really bad anxiety, and I don't talk to my mom at all about anything personal because she's just not the person you can talk to about that stuff, so when I was writing this, I was a bit of a mess. I have a much clearer head now, and I can see that it's really not as big of a deal as I made it out to be. I still kinda regret saying anything, but she hasn't spoken a word to me about it, so I guess it's not a big deal. Still have no idea where she stands on buying pride stuff and things like that, but I'm in the mindset where I don't really care what she thinks either way. I'm almost a legal adult, and then I can make my own decisions.

 

And @anisotrophic I understand your concerns. I don't plan on "proving" my sexuality to anyone. Either they believe me or they don't. I don't even know how I would do that, to be honest. If she doesn't believe me, she doesn't believe me. I just wish she was more understanding and supportive of the LGBTQ+ community in general. And I get it. I'm turning eighteen in a bit less than a week. I am kinda young. It makes sense that she would have her doubts. But whether my sexuality changes in the future or not, I still feel like she should be supportive of me now, with this label I've found for myself, instead of just pretending I never came out to her in the first place.

[MakeupJunkie4]

@mind_is_a_prison Sorry to hear about her reaction. 😕 I hate to say it, and I'm not trying to throw your mom under the bus but...a lot of self-proclaimed "conservative Christians" are quite ignorant about...well...everything that isn't straight/cis. And if you attempt to inform them about asexuality, even the nicest ones will give you the stereotypical dismissals "It's probably just a phase", "You'll change your mind", etc. I grew up in the Christian church, and I gotta say, 99% of the churchgoing women I've known put marriage and motherhood at the pinnacle of their existence, almost as a form of "worship". The thought of you not following that would definitely make her emotional, as most earnestly believe it's a woman's sacred, holy duty to procreate. When you get older, she may start lamenting about not having grandchildren, just a heads up.  

 

Your idea to adopt is so noble and kind! I hope you do.   To me, this shows real love for one's fellowman. ❤️ As others have said, at least your mom is willing to research. Hopefully she actually does. Best wishes!

[Andrei_Popescu]

I don't know how your church wants you to sees asexuality, but the Bible describes it as a gift from God. See for yourself: (http://web.mit.edu/jywang/www/cef/Bible/NIV/NIV_Bible/1COR+7.html) Why is it considered a gift? To put it simple: sex with someone other than your husband is considered a sin, so other sexual orientations (including heterosexuality) can be seen as temptations to commit sin. Also some people seem to confuse sexual attraction with love and as a result they often end up in bad relationships. As an asexual you do not have to worry about those things.

[ellunar_eclipse]

Thank you @MakeupJunkie444. You're right. A great many Christians don't exactly act very Christian-like when it comes to sexuality and gender, no matter how inconsequential it may be. I mean, I didn't think being asexual was a big deal, and I still don't think it's a big deal. I just don't want to have sex. I don't owe anyone a sexual relationship or anything else. I'm worth so much more than my body, and I don't owe my partner anything I'm not comfortable with. I love my parents, but they just don't understand any of that. I don't really blame them. They grew up in a different time, and they clearly haven't adjusted to what is considered the new normal. I'm just glad my brother and my friends are not only accepting, but incredibly supportive. My allosexual boyfriend is so excited for when I'm able to buy ace pride stuff and be open about my sexuality, for Pete's sake! He always reminds me to be proud of who I am, and he's already planning for the interior of our house to be ace colors. Honestly, I don't deserve someone as amazing as him.

 

I know I have to be patient with my family, but all of them are homophobic and transphobic, and it's really starting to bug me. They aren't as bad as some people. They look down on the LGBTQ+ community, but they acknowledge that this is just how the world is now and they can't really do anything about it. I haven't told my father or my grandparents because I am absolutely terrified of what they might think or say. I love them, and I don't want them to think any less of me because of my sexuality. That being said, the second I move out, I'm going to be as openly pro-LGBTQ+ as possible. I don't really care if they don't agree. I plan to have mini pride flags in the front garden of my house, and two big pride flags on the porch as well. I want all the kids in my future neighborhood to know that they always have a safe place there. I'm actually super excited to adopt kids! I've already discussed it with my boyfriend, and he seems excited about it too. We're thinking two or three kids at the moment. I plan on raising them right, making them know how loved they are and how supportive we are of them, and hopefully if any of them aren't straight and cis, they'll feel comfortable telling us. 

 

I know my parents are going to be pretty disappointed that they won't get any biological grandkids from me, but they're in for a big surprise, because my brother is aromantic grey-sexual and has no interest in kids period, so the family bloodline ends with us.  😂Honestly, I feel kinda bad for them. They somehow managed to have two LGBTQ+ children in spite of being in the straightest family you ever saw. I'm kinda curious if any of my cousins will follow in our footsteps or not. They're all a bit younger than us, so it's hard to say yet, but once they see how flamboyantly open I am about my sexuality, maybe it'll inspire them to be open as well, if they are LGBTQ+. If they aren't that's fine too. I just want them to be comfortable being themselves. I hope their parents are more supportive than mine.

[ellunar_eclipse]

Thank you for that @Andrei_Popescu! I honestly have no idea what my church thinks either, although considering my grandfather founded the church and is the retired pastor, and he seems pretty conservative and unaccepting as well, so I don't have my hopes up. I agree that asexuality is a gift. Some people feel sorry for asexuals, which I find hilarious. We can still love people and form meaningful relationships. The only difference is that we know our relationships are real and are based on more than just physical appearance. There's no reason to pity us. Same with aromantic individuals. They shouldn't be pitied for their romantic orientation either. They are perfectly capable of forming meaningful relationships, such as friendships and QPRs, they just don't have to deal with the stress of finding a romantic relationship. Honestly, I don't know why more people don't envy us. Our lives are so much simpler in that regard. I've actually seen theories that Jesus might have been ace/aro because we never see an account of him experiencing either attraction, and I like the idea, even if we can't prove it. It makes me feel just a bit more valid, you know?

[MSBThePale]

Hello! First off, it's wonderful to hear that most of your experiences coming out have been positive and accepting. It's also a relief to hear your mother is willing to do more research despite not understanding asexuality. I'm sorry she said the things she did to you though. I haven't told my mom about my asexuality either but yours sounds a lot like mine so I'm dreading the possibility that she might say something similar, so I found this article I'm hoping to have her read. I think it could be useful for your mother to read as well.

http://www.asexualityarchive.com/a-parents-guide-to-asexuality/

[ellunar_eclipse]

Thank you so much @MSBThePale! I really appreciate the assistance. Hopefully having good, reliable sources like these will make things a bit easier to explain things to her in a way she will understand. I wish you the best of luck with your own mother. I know that coming out can be especially difficult, but who knows. Maybe your mother will surprise you. I might not have had the best experience with mine, but at least I have amazing people like you who are willing to support me. Let me know how it goes with your parents. Thanks!

[Andrei_Popescu]

On 9/23/2020 at 9:45 AM, MSBThePale said:

Hello! First off, it's wonderful to hear that most of your experiences coming out have been positive and accepting. It's also a relief to hear your mother is willing to do more research despite not understanding asexuality. I'm sorry she said the things she did to you though. I haven't told my mom about my asexuality either but yours sounds a lot like mine so I'm dreading the possibility that she might say something similar, so I found this article I'm hoping to have her read. I think it could be useful for your mother to read as well.

http://www.asexualityarchive.com/a-parents-guide-to-asexuality/

What's to research? It's as simple as this: Some people like to play football and some don't. Some people like pizza and some don't. Just like that, some people like to have sex (some even too much) and some don't. Why do you want to tell your mother about it anyway, especially if she may not like it?

[confettidarkness]

@mind_is_a_prison

My experience coming out to my own family was pretty similar. I think the rejection stems less from your identity and more from their own hopes and dreams being changed. My parents, and most white middle class christian parents for that matter, expected me to go meet a nice boy and have a few kids. They were not upset that I was asexual, they were just upset that I wouldn't be following their plan for me. 

 

They may have given birth to you, but you don't owe them anything. Be who you are because trying to be anyone else is miserable. And at the end of the day they still don't accept you, that's on them. You are valid and normal.

[ellunar_eclipse]

It isn't that simple to my parents I'm afraid, @Andrei_Popescu. They have very little knowledge on the LGBTQ+ community and don't really accept the lifestyle that members of that community lead. My mother struggles to understand the finer details of asexuality. She isn't just confused by the fact that I don't want to have sex, but also how that works and why I am the way I am. She simply wants to understand the sexuality better before she decides how she feels about it one way or another. And I wanted to tell her because being asexual is a part of my identity. It's an important part of who I am and I wouldn't change it for the world. I had no idea how she would feel when I was telling her. I was hoping to gauge her reaction to me being asexual in order to see how she might respond to me telling her other important personal things about me. I don't share much with my parents. We aren't especially close by any measure of the word, and there have been some things I've been wanting to tell them about not only so they get to know the real me, so that I can maybe begin to accept myself and get help for the things that I've been struggling with. However, it's clear that my parents aren't ready to know the real me and aren't able to accept me as I am. I'm just glad I learned that from this experience and not from another.

[ellunar_eclipse]

I'm sure that's definitely a part of it, @confettidarkness. My parents were most definitely expecting grandkids in the future, and they'll have grandkids, they just won't be genetic. However, I don't think that's really the underlying issue, in my case. My parents just aren't accepting or understanding of the LGBTQ+ community in general, which makes life especially hard when most of my friends are LGBTQ+. They just remain closeted at my place, but it makes me feel bad because they shouldn't have to hide who they are. I shouldn't either. My mom doesn't see the need for me to 'label myself'. She thinks this is just a phase that I'm going to grow out of. Whether she's right or not, she's still trying to tear me down and illegitimize my sexuality, which definitely hurts more than it should. I'm not going to stop identifying as ace because of them, and I'm certainly not going to let it change who I am, but I do wish they were more accepting people. Life would be so much easier if that were the case. I hope your parents learn to accept you with time. Their reasons for disappointment are a lot more legitimate than the flimsy excuse my parents managed to grasp onto, but they also seem a bit more understanding of your sexuality, so I'm sure they'll come to accept you as you are in time. I wish you the best of luck.

[MSBThePale]

On 10/2/2020 at 9:10 AM, Andrei_Popescu said:

What's to research? It's as simple as this: Some people like to play football and some don't. Some people like pizza and some don't. Just like that, some people like to have sex (some even too much) and some don't. Why do you want to tell your mother about it anyway, especially if she may not like it?

I mean... Maybe you're not wrong, but aren't you being a bit pessimistic about it? I suppose some people don't need to research things if they're at least willing to accept it. But my asexuality is very important to me, and I would like for my family to be aware of it.

 

Anyways, you must not have to deal with the same annoyances most aces do I take it. Others always trying to butt into your sex life, worrying about you "not finding the right person," always shoving sex appeal in media in your face, assuming you'll relate when they see someone attractive, etc.

 

Yes, I worry my mother might not like it, but that's why I've been looking for sources for her to educate herself, and better understand me. She's always told me she'd accept me if I was a lesbian, and now I just want to give her resources to have that same energy for asexuality.

 

But thanks for reinforcing my apprehension.