Broke up and I’m devastated

[LostMariana]

I just need a bit of support. 
 

I’m a woman (30) and this morning I left my boyfriend of 4 years. We haven’t had sex in a year and a  couple of months ago as I was pressing the issue, he admitted his lack of sexual attraction for me, or anyone. He didn’t actually say the word asexual but he told me he just wasn’t interested in me sexually, but he also wasn’t interested in anyone else and that he’s always been like this. I researched and found asexuality and he identified with it. 
 

The problem is I have brought up how emotionally devastating the lack of sexual intimacy has been for me over and over and over again. But he never did anything. He would just ignore it until I brought it up again and then this would repeat. He never wanted to engage with it. He never bothered looking into why he might feel the way he does. He never took any initiative. 
 

I don’t know why it took me so long to process the situation but last night I just had this epiphany that my partner didn’t desire me. Didn’t ‘want’ me. And that he never would and never actually had. I think my brain had refused to accept it for so long because the reality of it is too painful. But that’s it. It clicked. And I realised I couldn’t live the rest of my life not being desired by my partner and who I hoped would be my husband, in fact, I couldn’t live a second longer like that. I can not reconcile my boyfriend never wanting me. So this morning, I told him that. It just spilled out of me. All the grief and the level of misery I had been experiencing was a shock even to me. I left him. 
 

He kept saying that he loved me so much and “besides the sex, isn’t it a good relationship?” I still can’t grasp how he thinks that it was a good relationship when I was visibly miserable. Good for him maybe! It isn’t even the sex that’s the problem, it’s the lack of him caring enough to even google about it, or properly engage in a conversation. It’s the lack of him EVER checking in on me and how I was, even when I told him I was feeling so bad. I get it now that there is nothing he could have done to fix it, because it’s how he is and there is nothing wrong with it. But there is something wrong with just ignoring the issues it was causing in our relationship and leaving everything up to me. 
 

I feel so cheated. And I feel kind of sick thinking of the few times we would have sex and I felt so sexy and desirable and really he was just going through the motions. That makes me feel just really embarrassed and stupid. 
 

I have no one to talk to. I can’t tell any of my friends because I would have to explain asexuality from the ground up and I just can’t do that right now. It’s too raw. I thought maybe people here would understand what I’m going through. 
 

I love him so much, and I want nothing more than to be with him but I had to do this or I would be betraying myself. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I feel like I can’t breathe 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Sorry hun *hug*

Obviously, communication is important in a relationship, and caring about how someone feels. If he knew that sexuality was important to you and causing you grief then he should've made some effort for you to at least understand what it means to you. It could be that him not even knowing he was asexual somehow made it that he didn't think someone would feel too differently. It's sometimes hard to relate to someone when you don't feel like them. I didn't understand that sexual people put a lot into sexuality until recently. To me sex isn't important so it's like what's the big deal with having no sex? But this site and because of people like you has helped me see that I just didn't understand that. For someone asexual, it can actually be desired not to have sex because the pressure to perform might not feel good, sex itself doesn't have much meaning. But love does, and someone can care about their partner. I think this is a case where even if he felt love, he just didn't take your feeling seriously enough.

You already broke up with him so there's not too much to talk about the relationship itself unless you want to go over some things to process some feelings, so I would say you just need to heal, and know that this isn't actually embarassing, how could you have really known what was going on until it clicked for you? You deserve to feel like what matters to you is handled somehow, and he didn't bother, ..and you're trying to respect yourself regarding that. What's wrong with that?

It'll get better. You've learned some things that were important to you, and it'll help you as you move along. It'll be ok. ❤️

[gr(ace)]

 I'm so sorry to hear about your breakup. I know how painful these can be, and I'm very sorry you're going through this. 

 

I agree with you, first of all. Your boyfriend should have been more emotionally upfront with you and should have engaged in conversation with you about how he felt and about how it was making you feel. I clearly don't know all of the details here, but I can completely understand feeling cheated and embarrassed. 

 

I also think it's very kind of you to accept that your boyfriend's asexuality is part of him and that there is nothing wrong with that. Asexuality is a strange spectrum, and takes a lot of people many years to figure out their identity. I think your boyfriend may have been upset and/or confused about himself not feeling sexually attracted to people, and may have felt pressured by societal norms, his friends, or even yourself to perform and generally avoided facing the issue. That being said, he should have told you and been honest to you about his feelings. 

 

Chances are, your boyfriend likely doesn't know how important sexual intimacy is for you, being as he doesn't feel the desire to have sex the way you do. (Again, successful relationships require honesty and open communication, which would be a good idea moving forward). If you feel like you truly need sex to be in a happy, comfortable relationship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Your boyfriend clearly didn't understand that. 

 

You mention that you still love him, and that you want to be with him, but often allosexual/asexual relationships are difficult. It may be best to stay apart and let yourself heal. (and it's great that you respect and love yourself enough to end the relationship!!) However, if for some reason the two of you want to give it another shot, remember to communicate your honest needs, wants, and feelings to each other. 

 

Breakups hurt a lot, but the pain doesn't last forever. Let yourself feel what you're feeling, all of your emotions are real and valid. Remember to take time for yourself and do things you enjoy as you work through this difficult situation. Things WILL get better!!

 

As much as online forums may help (and I hope I'm providing you with at least some support), talking with friends is often very helpful. When you feel ready, I would try to speak to them about it. They'll likely try very hard to sympathize with you and offer their love. A strong support group is very valuable. Don't feel like you need to explain asexuality to them in perfect detail, it's a very difficult subject to articulate. It may help you to do some additional research or make some metaphors or something to help them understand how you're feeling and how the situation is. 

 

One last thing - just because your ex boyfriend didn't find you sexually attractive and desirable doesn't mean that you're not!! He doesn't feel that way about people, but that doesn't mean you are any less sexy or desirable than anyone else. Love yourself!!!

 

Stay strong!! 

Much love from Houston

 

 

[Philip027]

Quote

He never bothered looking into why he might feel the way he does. He never took any initiative. 

To be honest, it's kind of pointless to.  Have you ever questioned why you're (presumably) heterosexual?  I don't think most heterosexuals do, anyway.

 

People are what they are and are into what they're into (or not); there's no real point in wondering (or angsting) about why.  As you said, there's likely nothing he (nor most other aces in a situation like his) could have done to "fix" it, which is why a lot of us don't feel there's much of a point in engaging in conversation or research about it.  After enough time it just feels like rehashing the same points and dwelling on a subject that produces bad feels all around for both parties.

[LostMariana]

26 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

For someone asexual, it can actually be desired not to have sex because the pressure to perform might not feel good, sex itself doesn't have much meaning. But love does, and someone can care about their partner. I think this is a case where even if he felt love, he just didn't take your feeling seriously enough.

 

Thanks for you message! I needed that virtual hug. I didn’t know about asexuality either and I’m happy I know more about it now. I know he never meant to hurt me because he just couldn’t understand why sex was so important. But, I am so hurt that he never bothered to ask me why it was so important to me, or why I was so unhappy. While I was willing to explore why he felt the way he did. 

 

32 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

You already broke up with him so there's not too much to talk about the relationship itself unless you want to go over some things to process some feelings, so I would say you just need to heal, and know that this isn't actually embarassing, how could you have really known what was going on until it clicked for you?

Yeah, I think I just need to process things by talking about them! Thank god for people on the internet who get it.
 

I just feel embarrassed and uncomfortable thinking back on our sexual encounters with this new knowledge. Not all sex in my life has been an okay experience and I have some trauma around that. I always felt so safe with him, and it made me feel more positively about sex, and now knowing he was never attracted to me during those experiences has just thrown me for a loop. 
 

thanks for your message, I really appreciate people taking the time to comfort a stranger ❤️

[Memento1]

Gosh, @LostMariana, I can feel how painful this is for you.  Breakups are so devastating.  Just reading about it is putting my heart in my throat.  It's such a difficult thing you've done.  From this story it seems you're a woman who knows what she wants and is willing to make difficult decisions to make them happen.  That's really impressive to me, although I know that's not a comfort right now.  Thank you for sharing your story, and I'll keep you in my thoughts.   *hugs*

[LostMariana]

Thanks for words!! Such a validating message, I appreciate it. I agree I definitely need to speak to my friends and family about it, I’m not going to cope without in person support. It’s tricky because he doesn’t want people knowing about the details of what happened, understandably. And we have a lot of mutual friends. 

 

27 minutes ago, gr(ace) said:

 I think your boyfriend may have been upset and/or confused about himself not feeling sexually attracted to people, and may have felt pressured by societal norms, his friends, or even yourself to perform and generally avoided facing the issue. That being said, he should have told you and been honest to you about his feelings. 

Oh for sure, I think that’s why he was avoiding it so actively. Because it was uncomfortable and he felt pressure from me. I really sympathise with how hard it must be to live in a world that values sex so highly, especially as a man, when you just don’t. I hope breaking up gives him some time to explore how he feels himself, because I think it’s an important thing he needs to come to terms with and tell any future love interests upfront. 

 

36 minutes ago, gr(ace) said:

One last thing - just because your ex boyfriend didn't find you sexually attractive and desirable doesn't mean that you're not!! He doesn't feel that way about people, but that doesn't mean you are any less sexy or desirable than anyone else. Love yourself!!!

Thank you for reminding me!! I think it’s going to take a while to feel desirable again, it hasn’t been great for my self esteem  

[LostMariana]

@Memento1 wow, thank you. That actually means a lot. I decided I have to live with myself my whole life and I owe myself happiness, so I needed to do this. It’s still excruciating 💔 but I hope in the long run, I will be better for it. 

[Sarah-Sylvia]

46 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

To be honest, it's kind of pointless to.  Have you ever questioned why you're (presumably) heterosexual?  I don't think most heterosexuals do, anyway.

 

People are what they are and are into what they're into (or not); there's no real point in wondering (or angsting) about why.  As you said, there's likely nothing he (nor most other aces in a situation like his) could have done to "fix" it, which is why a lot of us don't feel there's much of a point in engaging in conversation or research about it.  After enough time it just feels like rehashing the same points and dwelling on a subject that produces bad feels all around for both parties.

It's very useful to look into it when you're asexual though, because it helps explain some things about what happened in relationships, and I would bet after this he should feel like maybe it is a big deal not to feel like someone sexual, it can cause issues in a relationship. And talking and caring about each others' feelings is the only way it can possibly work, I think.

 

28 minutes ago, LostMariana said:

Thanks for you message! I needed that virtual hug. I didn’t know about asexuality either and I’m happy I know more about it now. I know he never meant to hurt me because he just couldn’t understand why sex was so important. But, I am so hurt that he never bothered to ask me why it was so important to me, or why I was so unhappy. While I was willing to explore why he felt the way he did. 

 

Yeah, I think I just need to process things by talking about them! Thank god for people on the internet who get it.
 

I just feel embarrassed and uncomfortable thinking back on our sexual encounters with this new knowledge. Not all sex in my life has been an okay experience and I have some trauma around that. I always felt so safe with him, and it made me feel more positively about sex, and now knowing he was never attracted to me during those experiences has just thrown me for a loop. 
 

thanks for your message, I really appreciate people taking the time to comfort a stranger ❤️

I'm glad it helps a little.
For relationships, I value caring about how someone feels a great deal, because I know it's important. If you were hurting and he didn't dig into it... he definitely should've explored and tried to understand, if he cared about you. Whatever reason he didn't, it makes total sense to me that you didn't feel cared for in that sense. You deserve to have your heart listened to.

[LostMariana]

46 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

To be honest, it's kind of pointless to.  Have you ever questioned why you're (presumably) heterosexual?  I don't think most heterosexuals do, anyway.

I’m bisexual, but that’s besides the point. I don’t mean for him to question why he’s asexual, he just is. (Though he didn’t known he was until I did research and found the term) I mean he should have bothered looking into why we were so mismatched and not just assuming that everyone feels the same way about sex as he does. I think it’s unfair of him to not have taken any initiative in addressing the problem that arose from the mismatch between us. And leaving it all up to me. 

[Philip027]

Sorry; bisexual.  I was half right, sorta.

 

There was likely nothing he could have done to address the issue, though (which I imagine you realize now, but are still coming to terms with)

 

I think most aces in mixed relationships that are troubled due to a sexual mismatch end up feeling more or less that way, like there's nothing they can do to magically "fix" the problem for their partner, so they often end up just saying... nothing, or little to nothing, about it.  Which ends up getting construed as not caring.  (Maybe in some cases, they legitimately don't care, but that wouldn't be an asexuality problem; that's an empathy problem.)

 

In any case, I'm sure it still sucks right now, and I'm sorry.  But there's people out there who will be a better match not just sexually but also emotionally, and once you recover from this situation your metaphorical door will potentially be open to these people again.  (Unless you're poly and it technically already was open, in which case I should probably just shut up now and stop making wild guesses about other people.)

[LostMariana]

@Philip027 haha sorta! Thanks for your insight on how he might have been feeling about the problem, I think your probably spot on. I acknowledge there is nothing he could have done to make it better. I wish I could be okay with not being desired sexually, but I know I can’t. I suppose the same way he can never desire me sexually. I always thought we could work through anything as a team, this situation wasn’t in that scope. It just sucks honestly. 

[anisotrophic]

@LostMariana it sounds like a core issue wasn’t his asexuality, but the manner in which your own pain was being ignored.

 

That (caring about causing you pain) is a very important thing to need in any relationship. I’m not inclined to make excuses for your partner; I’m in the midst of coming to terms with my partner not “caring” about my pain at a level I think was reasonable to expect — and I think he’s misled me on this over the years with making/breaking promises, lack of introspection, excuses for himself, etc. (This is not about sex; it’s about caring.)

 

(We’re being very constructive about it, but I’m sleeping separately and getting some distance — which he agrees seems like a good idea, I can go back at any time but it’s just too painful to sleep next to someone I wish “cared” more.)

[LostMariana]

@anisotrophic I’m sorry to hear you are going through a hard time as well! 
 

57 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

@LostMariana it sounds like a core issue wasn’t his asexuality, but the manner in which your own pain was being ignored.

For me it’s both. I have come to the realisation about myself that I need to be desired and wanted sexually by my partner. I can’t have a romantic relationship without that aspect. Not so much actual sex, but knowing my partner is attracted to me is integral for me. Even if I had an open relationship, I’d still feel unfulfilled if my primary partner didn’t find me sexually attractive. This is just me though, I’m sure many sexual people can live without needing to be desired like this. 

 

1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

 I’m in the midst of coming to terms with my partner not “caring” about my pain at a level I think was reasonable to expect — and I think he’s misled me on this over the years with making/breaking promises, lack of introspection, excuses for himself, etc. (This is not about sex; it’s about caring.)

I can relate to this soooo much. Whenever we would discuss it, I’d get “it will get better”, “I need to do better”, “I do want to have sex with you, I swear, and I will be more sexual soon”. And then just nothing until I would bring it up again. He never bothered with any introspection, never cared to find out if anyone else in the world had these relationship problems or what solutions might be. So, the caring aspect is also a huge part of the reason it couldn’t work for me and the only reason I’m angry about it. 
 

I’m sorry that your partner isn’t showing enough care or appreciating how much pain this puts you in. He may not be able to imagine how you feel

about sex, but he should be able to take your word for it and realise it’s a big issue for your relationship. 

[Traveler40]

@LostMariana, DO NOT cave on this decision. You are amazing and have not only recognized what some of us understood too late (false hope is powerful), but you did something about it for you! Take your time to grieve and know this is the easiest it will ever get (walking away) You've given yourself the massive gift of a changed path, and j just want to hug you so tightly right now.

 

I was overcome with emotion reading your words. You have courage, strength and insight into yourself. Stay strong and keep moving on. You deserve exactly what you already know you do. 
 

It hurts, and I’m sorry. You did the right thing, and I hope a speedy recovery before heading out to find the more you’re looking for. You are amazing. 🤗

[anisotrophic]

5 hours ago, LostMariana said:

I’m sorry that your partner isn’t showing enough care or appreciating how much pain this puts you in. He may not be able to imagine how you feel

about sex,

Oh, it’s not about sex anymore; I brought him the concept of asexuality 2+ years ago, which my therapist at the time suggested, and he came to agree with it. We never stopped having sex, but it’s always something I initiated, and I had to accept it was an act of charity.

 

These days I’m facing a broader recognition that he just doesn’t care “that much” about others — he won’t worry about them, think about them, he’ll make excuses for himself, his capacity for remorse is limited, he has no motivation to change his behavior. It means he agreed to being a parent in much the same way he agreed to sex, and what he had promised & kept failing to do over the years — be equally engaged in parenting & domestic labor — was something he had no intrinsic motivation for, or change.

Thankfully all these things are things we’re discussing in brutally honest conversation. I expect honesty, even if it’s confronting me with the reality of someone that will never care about me as I’d hoped. I’ll have to move forward, not with being loved as I had yearned for, but with whatever muted version he has to give. We have friendly talks eg before I retire for the night.

 

If that’s the future you might have gone into, it’s good to have walked away from it. Having your pain matter to a partner is very important.

 

I should add: neither is he possessive, he’ll share good fortune with me, and I can date & love others. Unfortunately, I made decisions based on being misled by his promises and assurances of caring etc (ie becoming a parent) that makes those things extremely impractical, and I wish he had more remorse about that, but need to accept I won’t get it.

[Mountain House]

Good for you.  What @Traveler40 said. Hugs.

[uhtred]

I know this is very painful. All I can say though is that I think its the better chioce.   I've been married ~35 years to a nearly asexual wife - always hoping it would get better, or I would care less, or something.  It never does.

 

You will find someone who makes you happy - and he will as well.  I think very often in mixed relationships, *both* people are unhappy

[LostMariana]

8 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

@LostMariana, DO NOT cave on this decision. You are amazing and have not only recognized what some of us understood too late (false hope is powerful), but you did something about it for you! Take your time to grieve and know this is the easiest it will ever get (walking away) You've given yourself the massive gift of a changed path, and j just want to hug you so tightly right now.

 

I was overcome with emotion reading your words. You have courage, strength and insight into yourself. Stay strong and keep moving on. You deserve exactly what you already know you do. 
 

It hurts, and I’m sorry. You did the right thing, and I hope a speedy recovery before heading out to find the more you’re looking for. You are amazing. 🤗

Oh gosh, I cried so much reading this message! Thank you!! Seriously. It’s hard not to have doubts but I won’t cave. My brain keeps trying to rationalise how things could get better, or how we could make it work, but my gut knows it can’t work. And I always trust my gut feeling. 💕

 

7 hours ago, Mountain House said:

Good for you.  What @Traveler40 said. Hugs.

Thank you! 
 

5 hours ago, uhtred said:

I know this is very painful. All I can say though is that I think its the better chioce.   I've been married ~35 years to a nearly asexual wife - always hoping it would get better, or I would care less, or something.  It never does.

 

You will find someone who makes you happy - and he will as well.  I think very often in mixed relationships, *both* people are unhappy

I can relate to that constant hope something will change, hope can be a trickster sometimes. I’m sorry you are going through this. I agree, he can’t truly be happy like this either, even if he doesn’t want to admit it to himself. It’s best for us both. Thank you for the support!