A question for sex-repulsed aces

[Karekare]

So I'm demi, but I lean heavily ace, and I'm not sex-repulsed in the slightest. I'm somewhere in between sex-neutral and sex-favorable, but honestly more neutral. Even in the moments where I'm really not in the mood to consume any sexual content or even think about it, I still don't care whenever it pops up anywhere. I feel just... completely unbothered by anything having to do with it. Like it doesn't do anything for me, but it's not harming me either. Very meh.

 

So my question for more repulsed aces, or maybe even sexual people too, is what about sex repulses you? I hope this doesn't come across as rude or anything 'cause that isn't my intention, I'm just generally curious about what about it bothers people, since I'm clueless lol

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

What is repulsive to me about sex is mainly the thought of icky, slimy semen that might be involved. Also, I'm greatly against seeing others' private areas, especially those of female-bodied people. To have sex, one would most likely see their partner's private areas, and that repels me. The dirty sexual talk just makes me cringe, as well. This stuff doesn't just repel me on a physical level, but on a soul level, too.

[Twisted Tempest]

Honestly, I can't tell you. It just makes me sick to my stomach. I've never come close to experiencing it, and I don't want to. I had to rush out of sex education class way back in school to legitimately vomit, it's that bad. I have no idea why. It's just always been that way. 

 

Curiously, anything to do with Baked beans causes an identical response with me. Likely unrelated, but weird nonetheless. 

[onlyrei42]

I consider myself sex repulsed, but reading about sexual acts, seeing naked bodies, and things like that don't bother me at all. I can't say what repulses me for sure, I think it's mainly just the idea of me being physically involved, other people doing it is fine. From past experiences it was always something that felt like a chore, was boring, or was uncomfortable, no matter how kind or understanding my partner was, so maybe that's it as well?

[FaerySilverwings]

I'm mainly repulsed in the (theoretical) context of "sexual things involving me"---it's just a great big nope from my brain to the concept. I don't like the idea of exchanging fluids, I don't like the idea of having someone touching me in those ways, I don't like the idea of touching anyone like that myself, and I'm very repulsed by the idea of the potential reproductive consequences. I don't even like medical people seeing me naked or inspecting my unwanted reproductive organs. 

(For context, I'm not actually touch-repulsed for the most part, and like the idea of hugs/cuddles and hand holding.)

 

As far as other people? I vary between "ew, I'm uncomfortable with the thought of this or seeing/hearing things about it in media" and indifferent in the "does not compute, but as long as you're consenting adults somewhere not in my immediate hearing/sight, I don't really mind this existing" sort of way. When sexual stuff gets brought up or shown in media without reason or warning, I do sometimes have an immediate squick reaction of sorts.

 

At the same time, I do find the academic-conceptual aspects of human sexuality and behavior sort of interesting (in a way that's half morbid curiosity and half just wanting to know what the words for things are so I don't get blindsided when they're brought up in conversation). 

[Gifted With Singleness]

According to my brain, sex doesn't exist. There's no such thing as sex, nobody ever has sex, it's all a lie. I'm very disconnected from sex, and I like it that way. I feel like I function best when I'm able to live my life as though sex doesn't exist. The more difficult this is for me, the more uncomfortable I feel.

 

If I'm talking about sex in the abstract (like I'm doing right now), things aren't so bad. My brain just treats sex like a variable in a mathematical equation. It's just a word, and it has no meaning. But if I'm exposed to people shoving details about sex in my face, my brain doesn't have an easy way out, and that makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

Granted, I'm not that repulsed by sex, so I can still talk about it if I need to. But I do have my limits.

[such]

I am totally okay with talking about sex (although it's a v boring conversation topic), thinking about sex, watching sex scenes etc., because that's all kind of theoretical, in another realm. When it crosses over to reality, it gets really confronting. It's so hard to describe, but there is this threshold in my brain, between [sex in theory] and [sex in reality]. Here are some weird examples: 

 - listening to audio of people having sex = okay, but having your evening disturbed by hearing your flatmates having sex = traumatising

 - watching sex scenes or softcore porn = fine, but watching porn with penises or vaginas involved = too real!

Yeah it's weird.  

[Philip027]

I don't know if I'd necessarily call myself sex-repulsed, but rather more sex-negative.

 

I perceive it as a generally risky activity (diseases, pregnancy, etc) that nevertheless seems to decide, drive, and potentially ruin human relationships, and I simply can't fathom why.

 

Imagine if people evaluated their relationship worth/value on the basis of going skydiving with each other.  I don't want to go skydiving, I wouldn't really get anything out of skydiving -- certainly not anything that would justify its inherent risks.  As such, I cannot understand why people don't find their relationships with other people worthwhile unless they both want to go skydiving with each other.  It also places me in a crappy position relationship-wise, because most people would only want to carry out a relationship with me if I want to go skydiving with them, and I just don't.  This, appropriately enough, only serves to sour my position further with regard to skydiving.  You get the idea.

[Janus the Fox]

There’s aspects of sex that are repulsive or unwanted to me, attempting to play my part somewhat in a relationship.  Mostly acts involving the mouth and/or the behind as a ‘man who has sex with another man’.  Completely neutral to sex in general, nor is sex ever really pleasurable.

[Anthracite_Impreza]

It's just... I can't even fathom me being involved. It feels so unnatural and horrifying, like imagining sticking my hand in boiling water; the physical aftermath of such an event would likely trigger the same 'the fuck has just happened to my body omg I can't look nope nope nope' as well. There's the noises and the fluids and the writhing and (in general) being so close to a human... 😖

 

Yeah just like, it's unnatural and gross and I want nothing to do with it on a personal level.

[Real Estate RICO]

As for me, it's not just repulsion: I'm absolutely terrified of it; honestly, I'm starting to think the levels of repulsion and fear I have are (getting to be) cripplingly unhealthy. I mean, we're talking "I have times where I regress and become sex-negative like I was when I was a teen" unhealthy. For the record, I never was comfortable with porn, either.

 

I've already mentioned the root of both of those a few times on the board; I'm not going to get into it again. Let's just say I was introduced to sex and sexuality in the most heinous way possible, and it was downhill from there. From the fact it happened in the first place, to that same cousin never shutting up about sex even to this day, to seeing a lot of teen pregnancy in high school (thanks abstinence only education for reinforcing unsafe sex), it's like.. yeah. Those did not do any favors for my view of it.

 

Oh, and also for the record, I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel intimidated around people who are more open about it or more experienced, especially women. It's like.. I feel like enough of a child because I'm so sex-repulsed and sex-petrified; I feel I'll be looked down upon even more, fearing that's all they will see me as (because men aren't supposed to be like this).

[DogNamedJazz]

For me, I can’t stand the exchange of fluids. Even kissing is gross for the same reason. Hearing people talk about it, seeing scenes in even PG13 movies, or hearing sex sounds not only make me extremely uncomfortable but also have a physical repulsion. This repulsion often expresses itself as a deep shudder in my soul and a desire to escape the situation. 

[PeskyBee]

Here's my well of experience having been in sexual situations with only one guy. His body didn't seem repulsive at all (although not arousing either) but rather him seeing me in a sexual way is what put me off. For me vag penetration is off the table but even other stuff felt wrong and performative. And possibly body image issues and the way sex is seen by society have played their part, but anything sexual with men is a big no as of right now. I've been having feelings for someone of the female sex and I'd ask myself if I'm repulsed by the idea? no but I'd still rather not. Just the fact that it's an individual with feelings and you're supposed to enjoy physical contact and expected to feel certain things... too much man

[Gifted With Singleness]

7 hours ago, Philip027 said:

Imagine if people evaluated their relationship worth/value on the basis of going skydiving with each other.  I don't want to go skydiving, I wouldn't really get anything out of skydiving -- certainly not anything that would justify its inherent risks.  As such, I cannot understand why people don't find their relationships with other people worthwhile unless they both want to go skydiving with each other.  It also places me in a crappy position relationship-wise, because most people would only want to carry out a relationship with me if I want to go skydiving with them, and I just don't.  This, appropriately enough, only serves to sour my position further with regard to skydiving.  You get the idea.

I can absolutely relate to this, and I feel like I'm aro specifically because of this. (Well, not really, but this does reinforce it.) I don't perceive sex as intimacy, so the idea of someone finding it very important to have sex with me for the relationship to work out is very off-putting. It's like, sure, you can have all of this wonderful emotional intimacy, but the price of admission is to let me rape you. No way Jose.

 

And yes, I do perceive sex as rape, even if my rejection of it isn't as visceral as the word might suggest. After all, having sex would require me to do something I fundamentally don't want to do. The other person gets everything out of it, and I get nothing. (Okay, maybe I would get some slight physical pleasure from orgasm, but that really doesn't make up for it.) This makes sex incredibly one-sided. The other person would effectively be using my body for their own selfish pleasure. I would feel violated.

[Antique]

Being penetrated feels like such an invasion and assault of my body and soul. French kissing has a similar response. As far as bodies are concerned I've always been somewhat repulsed by male genitalia for no particular reason of which I'm aware. Being an antique I grew up in an era where requests from your male partner were really a form of coercion, not really requests. It also makes me feel objectified. And then there was always the question after it was over " Was it good for you ?"  The whole sex thing has been so conflicting that I've grown to hate it on a personal level. For other folks, whatever is consensual is fine by me and I don't have an opinion.  All that said, I do like cuddling, hugging, holding hands and other forms of affection. I like men, I just don't like sex.

[EnbyAce2]

Well, I'm repulsed by the bare thought of doing anything I consider sexual with another human being. I believe it's mostly because I feel strongly disconnected from sex and don't experience sexual attraction, and not the sex itself. Occasionally I get repulsed by naked bodies and/or body parts, mainly females but also men. I've also noticed that I get repulsed when someone tries to talk with me (in person) about anything sex-related.

Edited September 7, 2020 by EnbyAce2

[Muledeer]

Welcome to AVEN, @Antique!

Come visit the "anyone past 50" thread over in the older asexuals forum - its really active with lots of cool people

[everywhere and nowhere]

I'm extremely nudity-averse and I can't bear the thought of being seen or even touched naked. Such a though is just terrifying for me, really, this is something I could never accept. There are other aspects of my sex aversion as well, but this is the predominant one.

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

3 hours ago, Antique said:

Being an antique I grew up in an era where requests from your male partner were really a form of coercion, not really requests. It also makes me feel objectified. And then there was always the question after it was over " Was it good for you ?"

So you're saying that, back then, the guys didn't have to ask you for permission to have sex with you, and they expected you to get something good out of it? Am I understanding this correctly?

[Ortac]

Similar to what some other people have already said, for me it's the bodily fluids thing. The idea of any part of my own body coming into contact with fluids from someone else's body repulses me. 

 

The parts of the body that are usually involved in sex are those which are in close proximity to where urine and faecal matter come out, and my mind, rightly or wrongly, makes a link between that and sex. Where it's poo, urine, saliva, or any other kind of bodily fluid, I just don't want to come into contact with it, thank you very much. 

 

I am especially repulsed by the idea of oral sex and mouth coming into contact with these substances. Even just mouth on mouth kissing repulses me; I've never done it and I doubt I could ever bring myself to do it. 

 

I find naked bodies rather unattractive to look at as well, and although that doesn't in itself repulse me, it's another reason to avoid sex.

 

 

[Antique]

18 hours ago, The Angel of Eternity said:

So you're saying that, back then, the guys didn't have to ask you for permission to have sex with you, and they expected you to get something good out of it? Am I understanding this correctly?

During the late 60's and early 70's we had moved from the "good girls don't have sex until they are married " to the free love and sex is everywhere movement. It was extremely confusing to many of us. It was not uncommon to be shunned if you did not engage in sex. I was the ice queen of my dormitory since I was walking the talk my parents had given me. There was a great deal of pressure to conform or no one would ask you out. It was coerced permission, in my opinion. Peer pressure is  outrageously powerful to a naive, geeky 21 year old virgin who has been pushed aside many times because she said NO. Hope that long winded answer, answered your question. If not I'll try again.

[ôÿē èîęēú ïė ēôēįîûôø]

3 hours ago, Antique said:

During the late 60's and early 70's we had moved from the "good girls don't have sex until they are married " to the free love and sex is everywhere movement. It was extremely confusing to many of us. It was not uncommon to be shunned if you did not engage in sex. I was the ice queen of my dormitory since I was walking the talk my parents had given me. There was a great deal of pressure to conform or no one would ask you out. It was coerced permission, in my opinion. Peer pressure is  outrageously powerful to a naive, geeky 21 year old virgin who has been pushed aside many times because she said NO. Hope that long winded answer, answered your question. If not I'll try again.

If this movement is "free", why would they shun you if you didn't participate? If it were truly "free", in my opinion, no one would be shunning or pressuring anyone who wasn't participating! I'm sorry, but that movement sounds outrageous and stupid. I'm glad I wasn't around then!

 

4 hours ago, Antique said:

I was the ice queen of my dormitory since I was walking the talk my parents had given me.

Good for you for staying true to your values amidst that madness! It's good to know that at least some of us have morals amidst trying times.

[SimoneSonder]

The same point seems to be coming up in other replies, but personally, I'm not repulsed by other bodies so much as things being done to my body. I can't stand the idea of fluid exchange, or the sensation of being "wet". The feeling often edges on genital dysphoria; I just don't like that idea of using my reproductive organs. It disgusts me more times than not.

 

Kissing is fine, making out is fine, naked bodies are fine. It's just things and/or people interacting with my genitals that repulses me.

[Guest]

This may seem silly but I hate the idea of someone else’s sweat touching me ick no way also other bodily fluids are a huge nope I find the concept of kissing especially disgusting like the only thing I picture when I think of kissing is 2 people spitting in each other’s mouths big nope. Also the idea of oral sex to me is horrible I cannot deal with the same mouth that eats going there no way. It is weird though I can like watch a sex scene and not be too grossed out but the idea of it happening to me is horrible. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 9/9/2020 at 1:34 AM, The Angel of Eternity said:

If this movement is "free", why would they shun you if you didn't participate? If it were truly "free", in my opinion, no one would be shunning or pressuring anyone who wasn't participating! I'm sorry, but that movement sounds outrageous and stupid.

And this is it: if we are supposed to have such a thing as sexual freedom, it absolutely, without the tiniest doubt, must include the right to freely choose celibacy. Otherwise it's not "sexual freedom", but compulsory sexuality. Another form of enslavement - in my opinion as a sex-averse person, even the worse kind than being shunned for having premarital sex - not being allowed to have sex if one wants to can surely be deeply frustrating, but having unwanted sex must feel like being robbed of oneself.

And still - unfortunately - we know very well that a lot of people who preach "sexual tolerance" and "sex positivity" don't extend this tolerance and positive view to people whose choice is not to have sex.

I can get where it comes from: a lot of people just DO NOT UNDERSTAND that not everyone enjoys sex and not everyone desires sex. But it doesn't make people who exert sexual pressure on others less guilty. Sexual pressure is always wrong. And I very much support the idea that the "sexual revolution" needs a revision. Some things have been changed for good - for example, more acceptance for homosexuality, which is in my view as moral, normal, pure and sinless as heterosexuality. But "sexual freedom" should never ever mean compulsory sexuality. This has to change. We need more asexual visibility, and a broad asexual visibility (one which wouldn't present asexuality as the only thinkable reason for not having sex) on top of that. We need more awareness of sexual coercion - and here the #MeToo movement is doing good work - so that people remember that any person should only have sex when and if they are sure about wanting to and when the same conditions apply to the partner. People should require no excuses for not having sex, sex shouldn't be perceived as an "opt-out" activity - it doesn't preclude remembering that most people desire sex to think of "no desire" as the default state. Nobody should be ridiculed for not desiring sex in a particular moment, with a particular person, and nobody should be shamed if "no desire" is their permanent state.

[Phalena]

I struggle with being told details and get really disgusted every time I experience it in almost voyeuristic manner in TV and books. It always feels so inappropriate and often enough the sex in fictional stories feels forced and pointless. If it's not that it seems to be popular to throw rape into many stories which I find higly triggering. I can't tell if it's in order to decrease the taboo surrounding it or if the author has a kink... Another part of having such a negative view of sex is because as a girl I've always been told things like "it'll hurt but you must not complain", "girls can't enjoy sex anyway", "sex is like a currency", "if there is no sex, then it isn't love" and so on. So, part of it is negative indoctrination and since my body reacts negatively to even imaginig doing it myself, too makes it pretty much impossible to invalidate these beliefs by trying it out.

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, MiffKeks said:

So, part of it is negative indoctrination and since my body reacts negatively to even imaginig doing it myself, too makes it pretty much impossible to invalidate these beliefs by trying it out.

But you really don't need to. Living a life without ever having had sex is just as valid. Really, if someone is sex-averse and the only stings of regret come from the social, cultural and political indoctrination that everyone should have sex - the best solution is to work on accepting one's sex aversion, being proud of it and openly in defiance of these norms.

Yes, it might sound easy for me because I never found "fitting in" to be alluring in any way, I always actively preferred being a non-conformist. But ultimately, it makes me feel better because I simply know that I don't have to have sex and that I can be proud of not having sex just because it's a non-conformist choice.

[Evobessive]

On 9/7/2020 at 1:07 PM, Anthracite_Impreza said:

It's just... I can't even fathom me being involved. It feels so unnatural and horrifying, like imagining sticking my hand in boiling water; the physical aftermath of such an event would likely trigger the same 'the fuck has just happened to my body omg I can't look nope nope nope' as well. There's the noises and the fluids and the writhing and (in general) being so close to a human... 😖

 

Yeah just like, it's unnatural and gross and I want nothing to do with it on a personal level.

same, it also seems invasive and just like going way past my comfort zone when it comes to physical contact

[always. singing.]

I guess the concept of sex isn't super disturbing to me but it's more the thought of me being involved with it. Seeing people naked makes me uncomfortable and being naked makes me even more uncomfortable. I also would just be terrified the entire time because I really don't have any idea what to do and just be overthinking everything. Also penises make me want to vomit and crawl into a hole and never come out. I don't want to look at one let alone have it inside me. 

[RenalWaldo]

You know how the Xenomorphs in the Alien movies implant parasites in people that grow and violently burst out of them; or the viruses in the Resident Evil games that turn people into hideous malformed abominations?  That’s how I see it.  It just seems unnatural, like something from a David Cronenberg movie; like human bodies can’t possibly be intended to work like that.