Partner possibly turned asexual and I don't know what to do

[Wineglass]

Recent lurker, first time poster - sorry in advance if this is in the wrong spot - move if needed.

 

So I (M) have been in a relationship with my partner (F) (both late 20s) for about 2 years. For the first year of our relationship we had a fairly active sex life, but after that (as in, the past 8-9 months or so) the frequency dropped significantly and abruptly. She has mentioned at least twice over the past month that she feels she may be asexual - this is following the last time we had sex (about 2 months ago) where it was painful for her and she felt she was doing it out of a sense of duty for our relationship.

 

I'm someone with a moderately high libido (although it's taken a hit due to pandemic-related stress and depression), and take the issue of consent quite seriously so I'm a bit shaken by that experience - I'm not confident that she would tell me if she was uncomfortable so I'm really reluctant to initiate anything.

 

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or if anyone else has had a similar experience where they or their partner has felt asexual after some time with an active sex life?

[Wineglass]

Thanks for your response.

 

What scares me the most is the possibility that the first year or so of an active sex life was due to her trying to please me and not because she actually enjoyed it. But I guess that's the past and we're here now, and I probably should open up communication about it.

[Steadystate44]

I think it's positive she shared her thoughts on that with you, even though it sounds like the revelation took some time. It's quite possible she didn't know until now. For you it might be important to tell her how you feel about consent, and that you want her to be honest with you. It probably isn't the case that she's been hiding how she feels so much as that maybe she's just figuring out how she feels. I'm with you on the idea that I'd not want to force anything on anyone. And yes, this makes attempting sexual activity with a person who may not desire sex, but who may also not be repulsed by it complicated. Encourage her to continuing opening up about what exactly her experience is and has been.

 

Can really relate on the confusion this may cause for you when the original presentation of your partner appears to be sexual, only to find out later down the line they may be asexual.

 

[naturerhythms]

Thanks for sharing about your difficult situation. Like others here, I've been through a similar experience. I had been with someone for quite a while before we suspected that they might be asexual--and later confirmed that. It wasn't easy for either of us.

 

Like you, I went through the painful process of wondering how often my partner had sex with me just to please me, vs. actually desiring me.

 

You're in the right place; I'm very grateful for the helpful information I got from many people in this forum.

 

I appreciate how you're approaching it from the "possibly" asexual angle, because it can take time and effort to determine if that's indeed a piece of the puzzle. As has already been said, even your partner turns out to be asexual (and not interested in sex), they may not have known at all.

 

It's not uncommon for sexual interest to decrease for at least one partner in a relationship over time, regardless of orientation. Also, the pain suggests that there might be other things going on. Given those factors, I'd consider finding a counselor or therapist who has experience/credentials with sexuality, who has knowledge of asexuality, and who also has at least one medical doctor specializing in ob/gyn and/or urology in their professional network that they can refer out to. You might even ask them about a treatment called pelvic floor massage therapy, as that's something a few of my friends with vaginas report that they have benefited from, for certain pain-related cases. I mention this as just one example--it is impossible to know whether this would be appropriate or helpful until you consult with a qualified professional in depth. There are *many* possibilities as to what's going on.

 

That all being said, talking openly and honestly about the issue with your partner may yield one of the following situations:

 

1) You may find that they are willing to explore (through reading, sex/relationship therapy, open and honest discussion, etc.) what the cause of their lack of interest in sex actually is--asexuality or otherwise--and be open to the possibility of discovering that they can enjoy sex with you regularly. If that is the case, it will take time and a willingness to do some homework from both you and your partner. (I say both of you b/c it's possible that your stress and depression is somehow indirectly contributing to your partner's physical state, and vice-versa.)

 

2) You may find that your partner isn't willing to explore the above. If that is the case, you'll need to talk about whether you can meet in a place that will make you both happy. From there, you'll need to decide whether your relationship in its current form is something you can both happily live with. If not, you might explore options for modifying the relationship in a way that you're both comfortable with (e.g., an open relationship). If that doesn't yield any possibilities, then remaining in the relationship may be difficult. But given what you've shared here, it sounds like you're a long ways off from there, as you still have a lot of questions to answer.

 

Talking about it may not be easy, and will require courageous openness and vulnerability, but I hope it leads you both to a place where you ultimately feel happier and more connected.

[Guest]

On 9/3/2020 at 9:59 PM, Wineglass said:

Thanks for your response.

 

What scares me the most is the possibility that the first year or so of an active sex life was due to her trying to please me and not because she actually enjoyed it. But I guess that's the past and we're here now, and I probably should open up communication about it.

For me, I actually enjoyed things (in a way) when limerence was there at first. Because I enjoyed anything with my partner at that time. Just being around them was a high, I didn't care what we did. Watch a movie I normally hate? COOL. Go do a thing I'm not really into? YAY. .... but when that wore off, I always was like "*sigh* seriously? again? We just did that yesterday.... fine lets get it over with..." to the point I locked myself in the bathroom for 15 minutes beforehand just to give myself the "you can do it, it's just like 40 minutes then done, then you can do something else... just get it over with and move on..." and just do breathing exercises to relax enough to be able to handle sex. 

 

So, she may not have pushed herself too hard first year and actually been OK with it. But, as the relationship stabilized and reality set in, she's now faced with sex isn't what I want. 

 

I'm currently in a relationship with someone I met on AVEN and we actually ended up wanting each other sexually (first time ever for me to want someone that way), so it's actually a fun / bonding  / mutually desired thing. And the differences between it and what I did with exes is drastic. Before, even when I didn't mind sex, I just did it for them - I found it gross, I would have rather been cuddling or something, but as long as I was near them I was OK and I liked making them happy. I never enjoyed it though and never once had an orgasm or anything. It felt a lot like just touching any skin at best and at worst, it was physically painful because I couldn't get myself aroused (which makes your body "ready" for it and relaxes all those muscles down there so it doesn't hurt). With my current partner, there is no pain, lots of pleasure and it is for both of us. I don't get bored, I don't rush to finish, I don't run song lyrics through my head to avoid boredom during. 

[naturerhythms]

3 hours ago, Serran said:

It felt a lot like just touching any skin at best and at worst, it was physically painful because I couldn't get myself aroused (which makes your body "ready" for it and relaxes all those muscles down there so it doesn't hurt).

I feel like this part deserves a double underline. I didn't fully appreciate the importance of this until I was with a partner who had also done a lot of sexuality-related personal growth work, because mutual enjoyment of sex was also a high priority for her.

 

We don't attempt intercourse until we've taken the time to make sure she's relaxed and aroused. This might involve mutual massage, oral sex, toys, etc. If for some reason that doesn't happen, we play in other ways that don't involve intercourse.

 

In recent years, a learning point for me has been responding to my partner's in-the-moment feedback about her sexual needs without self-judging or hearing it as a criticism. Or mistaking it as a sign that she isn't really interested--a piece of baggage I brought from my relationship with a partner who eventually realized she was happiest not having sex at all.

 

Serran's post also reminds me that relaxing (so one can enjoy sex) also requires feelings of safety and security. Not just with one's partner, but with life in general. And there are a lot of challenging things going on in the world right now. For all I know, the OP and their partner may not even have health insurance or the means to see a professional--lots of people are in that boat. Alongside various economic and political stressors, many of us are spending much more time around our partners and less time around other people, which also changes dynamics.

 

Even though I've generally had a healthy sex drive, during these times, I've sometimes found myself having difficulty relaxing enough to enjoy sex. Sometimes my partner and I both need to vent sadness about certain aspects of the world before we can get into the space of being sexually intimate. It's important to be compassionate with ourselves and our partners, especially right now.

[MrDane]

In some cases, it is about changing the viewpoint. Sex migth still be a fun/nice/intimate activity, but never will come from desire or lust and may feel more like a massage than love. In the long run, massages can become routinelike, disconnecting and boring.

[Wineglass]

Thanks everyone for your input.

 

The other night I decided "to hell with it" and tried to initiate sex and to my surprise she responded. We discussed it at a little more length and she seems to think she's more graysexual (her words). As in, her sex drive is low compared to most other women and requires a deep connection with personality (which I think isn't uncommon among women anyway?), and even so she often just doesn't feel like it.

 

It's relieving to have a better picture of what her sexuality is like, but I feel there are still a lot of things to work through (like how often is OK, workarounds, etc).