Jump to content

Friends with benefits?


MarRister

Recommended Posts

So in theory I do like the idea of this because I think it would fill the loneliness and I don't totally feel ready to really commit to a relationship. I matched with one guy on Hinge who specifically says he is looking for a FWB. I haven't had a real conversation with him yet, but it just got me thinking about the idea of it. 

 

I'm just wondering, does this ever actually even work for people? Like in theory I kind of get it, but when I think about it in practice I feel like it will almost always inevitably turn to disaster with someone developing stronger feelings. I'm sure it would require a lot of good communication, but I fear a lot of the people who would like this type of set up wouldn't want to be at that level of communication. How do you keep it from just turning into a relationship or heartbreak?

 

I guess technically I had this setup with one guy, but he wasn't from here and we knew he was going to go back to his own country so it had a clear end date and I was able to deal with that just fine and we are still friends. But with an open end, I just don't quite know how that would work for me..

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fraggle Underdark

I had a FwB situation that went well. I've heard they often don't though and I kind of suspect that's true. In our case there was a ton of trust and open communication and we both knew what worked for us. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, fragglerock said:

I had a FwB situation that went well. I've heard they often don't though and I kind of suspect that's true. In our case there was a ton of trust and open communication and we both knew what worked for us. 

How did you decide when/how to end it? Did you just have enough or someone you wanted to get more seriously involved with?

 

I worry I would get far too attached, but sometimes I am good at not doing that, so I'm not too sure about it all lol. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fraggle Underdark
4 minutes ago, Marsa said:

How did you decide when/how to end it? Did you just have enough or someone you wanted to get more seriously involved with?

It was complicated :P At first she had just gotten out of a relationship and we knew each other as friends but neither of us were quite ready/interested in a relationship. Then we did start dating, dated for a year before deciding we weren't quite a good fit romantically. We were still good friends, she's one of the 4 people I've been particularly close to. We both enjoyed the FwB arrangement and decided to continue that until one of us found a partner. Or if we wanted to stop for any other reason.

 

My feelings weren't romantic by this point. She talked about sometimes still having romantic feelings but we were both primarily interested in doing what was right for each of us, I encouraged her to do whatever worked best for her. We didn't talk in that period about any romantic feelings for me in depth, I think because she wanted to separate that side of herself from me since we were romantically independent. But she said the arrangement was positive for her and she had no regrets about continuing it, which was also the sense I got. Then I moved and she found a boyfriend. 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

You ever study people around you? How many relationships have you seen fall apart? I think that's your answer. If most full time relationships don't even work, I don't imagine that part time ones work well either. From what I've seen, any kind of open relationship, (or one involving multiple partners) always usually falls apart. The two main reasons are usually if one party gets stronger feelings, or one party finds a partner and moves on. You're taking a risk at that rate, especially if you're doing it to fill the void of loneliness. If your pal ditches you for somebody else it'll level you. The hard answer I can give you is that you probably can't stop this type of relationship from leading somewhere bad because it has a poor framework to start with unless both parties are a hundred percent casual about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Jade Cross said:

I'm wondering if a FAB situation would imoly that the person is around fairly regularly or if it's more of a repeated ONS?

I understood about 40% of that 😂 What are these acronyms? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross
On 9/3/2020 at 12:39 AM, Marsa said:

I understood about 40% of that 😂 What are these acronyms? 

...

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Jade Cross said:

Had to edit and correct some (thanks to "autocorrect") but FWB : friends with benefits and ONS: one night stands

Haha okay I understand now.

 

I do think it would definitely be a more involved relationship than repeated one night stands. But yeah I'm not totally sure where the boundaries would typically be, and that probably varies couple to couple.

 

This guy on Hinge said he was looking for a FWB that he could cuddle and hang out with, so def more than just sex. But then I question how this really differs from a relationship. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, E said:

You ever study people around you? How many relationships have you seen fall apart? I think that's your answer. If most full time relationships don't even work, I don't imagine that part time ones work well either. From what I've seen, any kind of open relationship, (or one involving multiple partners) always usually falls apart. The two main reasons are usually if one party gets stronger feelings, or one party finds a partner and moves on. You're taking a risk at that rate, especially if you're doing it to fill the void of loneliness. If your pal ditches you for somebody else it'll level you. The hard answer I can give you is that you probably can't stop this type of relationship from leading somewhere bad because it has a poor framework to start with unless both parties are a hundred percent casual about it.

I guess if I think about it, I do know a couple people that have had fairly successful FWB situations though short lived. But then I also have seen them turn bad too so 🤷‍♀️

 

If I did actually do something like this, I think I would have to set up some serious rules and boundaries and maybe even a potential end date. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Steadystate44

I feel like the key to FWB is that they are a friend.   That would not necessarily mean that you forged a platonic friendship first, but often that is how it starts. Generally it's a friend that there is some attraction with. I feel like it helps to consciously decide what the limits are. Such as people agree that they are not seeking a romantic connection (and yes, some people do change their minds sometime after the fact).

 

It helps if you can have some other sort of connection that is non-sexual as a way to spend time bonding, but that doesn't necessarily look like dating. It could also be good to talk about what if either of you meets someone else with whom you decide to have a romantic relationship with. Perhaps you would decide to scale this back to a regular friendship in that case.

 

Where people get caught up is usually when one person hopes it will evolve into something with more dimensions (perhaps a dating or romantic relationship), and the other person has no intent for that.

 

FWB probably doesn't imply exclusivity of any sort (so if that's what you need, I'd look elsewhere).

 

Try discussing it with him to see what his purpose is. A "friend" to me implies some care about how things affect the other person, but this type of arrangement implies to me something much more casual than a traditional dating relationship. See if what you are looking for lines up.

Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, CBC said:

That, specifically, sounds like a disaster. He wants to do relationshippy stuff without committing to a relationship. Personally, in a situation like that, I'd find myself having deeper feelings due to spending time cuddling and hanging out OR I'd realise I found the person insufferably boring or off-putting in some way, not actually want to spend time together outside of sex, and then inevitably go off the idea of sex with them as well since I didn't really care for them.

Yeah this is kind of what I was thinking too. But again I haven't talked to him in any specifics of how he views a FwB situation, but I definitely have a healthy dose of skepticism about it all. 😝

 

14 minutes ago, Steadystate44 said:

Where people get caught up is usually when one person hopes it will evolve into something with more dimensions (perhaps a dating or romantic relationship), and the other person has no intent for that.

I don't think I would enter into a FwB situation if that was how I felt going into it, I'm more so worried about that developing over time, but I guess that is where the good communication comes into play. 

14 minutes ago, Steadystate44 said:

FWB probably doesn't imply exclusivity of any sort (so if that's what you need, I'd look elsewhere).

In this situation I don't think I would mind them sleeping with other people, but I would want to have some knowledge of it I think, and know they were being safe in that I wouldn't have to worry so much about STDs or whatever. 

 

14 minutes ago, Steadystate44 said:

A "friend" to me implies some care about how things affect the other person, but this type of arrangement implies to me something much more casual than a traditional dating relationship. See if what you are looking for lines up.

I think this is the main part that I like about it. Because I feel like between friends there would be a lot more trust and mutual respect present even though there is a lesser commitment, which is definitely something I need to feel comfortable in a sexual relationship. But yeah I definitely won't jump into anything until I figure out what his expectations would be. I don't even know if I get a long with him in the slightest. This is pretty much all hypothetical at this point. Just wanted to assess if I think I could even be capable of such a relationship or not. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh man, 😂 I just rechecked this guys profile to see what he had actually said about FwB. And he must have edited it since last time. 

 

Now it is "Straight up looking for a FwB who loves cuddles, hanging and being a goof. Wait... is that a girlfriend?"

 

 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fraggle Underdark

Maybe he's aro

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 minutes ago, fragglerock said:

Maybe he's aro

I suppose it is possible. I just kind of got the sense he was joking about it, but weird how that changed from the initial message, hard to know at this point. 

 

Eh, I guess I'll find out if I keep talking to him lol. 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Fraggle Underdark

Yeah I was kind of joking :) Given that few people are aro it seems unlikely. But if he's authentic in his communications, in general, then at least it's likely to be somewhat interesting conversation.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Marsa said:

I guess if I think about it, I do know a couple people that have had fairly successful FWB situations though short lived. But then I also have seen them turn bad too so 🤷‍♀️

 

If I did actually do something like this, I think I would have to set up some serious rules and boundaries and maybe even a potential end date. 

Honestly that's starting to sound counterproductive to what's suppossed to be something that's casual.

 

I suppose while I've wandered into this section of the forums I may as well ask the question of what you see in temporarily trying to fill the void with something that's essentially a half measure. A half measure that involves a tedious amount of trip wires to set up and has no larger payoff than a momentary feeling that's not even really the real deal. I get that it sucks ass to be on your own, I wake up to the nightmare every day and go to sleep with it, but even if I feel like absolute shit in that regard, risking emotional turmoil at the best of times for a fuck buddy just seems like a no brainer to avoid.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hello, @Marsa

The way you describe it, there is a great risk this FWB will fail. But it seems unclear – what are the criteria of such a relationship failing or, better yet, succeeding?

For people who want a traditional relationship, it’s easy – get married and “live happily ever after” (however slim the chances of that might be in real life).

If you can honestly list specific conditions under which this relationship will be good for you, you’ll greatly increase the chances of finding one like that. Also – it will help you upkeep the existing relationship so it doesn’t turn into something you don't want it.

 

For example, is it OK for you to break up after 2-3 years?

If not – do you expect it to last all your life?

If you can accept a breakup, but don’t want a scandal about it, then you’ll have to look for a calm, diplomatic man.

Or, the other way around, is it alright for you not to break up for, say, 15 years and then say goodbye?

And so on.

 

However, knowing what you want doesn't mean controlling anything - it means understanding what you're looking for and your position in communications with a potential partner. Many things also need to happen naturally - there's always risk involved.

It takes a lot of work and luck to meet someone that’s right for you – be it in a FWB-kind of a relationship or in a traditional romantic one. FWBs are in no way easier, nor, in my opinion, are they harder – they are just different and for different people.

 

My partner and I have been together for more than 4 years, and I consider it a full-on relationship, but it can be just as easily called a FWB or something part-time – it all depends on the criteria one uses. We only live together 2-4 days a week, and we don’t have any claim on each other – we are free, and we do things we do because we want to. And it wasn’t something we got from the start, either – we started out as friends and were building it step by step. Well, we still are. :)

 

So, once again, it really depends on what you want and finding someone else who wants the same things (and who you like enough to handle all the difficulties for them).

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, E said:

Honestly that's starting to sound counterproductive to what's suppossed to be something that's casual.

Well, yeah and that is part of the worry too haha, but I can't really see something like that working out well without having some clear rules. 

 

6 minutes ago, E said:

I suppose while I've wandered into this section of the forums I may as well ask the question of what you see in temporarily trying to fill the void with something that's essentially a half measure. A half measure that involves a tedious amount of trip wires to set up and has no larger payoff than a momentary feeling that's not even really the real deal. I get that it sucks ass to be on your own, I wake up to the nightmare every day and go to sleep with it, but even if I feel like absolute shit in that regard, risking emotional turmoil at the best of times for a fuck buddy just seems like a no brainer to avoid.

Um I suppose a big part of it for me is that I still have a lot of uncertainty surrounding my sexuality, and while I'd like to explore that I always get a nagging worry that I wouldn't be sexual enough to satisfy someone in a typical relationship. And I worry about essentially "trapping" someone into a relationship that they would have not otherwise entered if I understood myself better from the get go. Like when I see posts from sexuals who entered relationships with aces before they knew they were ace, and the sexuals saying if they knew beforehand then they never would have started a relationship with them. But yeah, I thought it might be better to explore this in a more casual setting then I feel like I'm not really misleading anyone. 🤷‍♀️ Also my life doesn't feel very settled right now, so if I up and decide I want to move to another city I don't want to worry about a strong commitment to someone. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
19 minutes ago, Lara Black said:

what are the criteria of such a relationship failing or, better yet, succeeding?

For people who want a traditional relationship, it’s easy – get married and “live happily ever after” (however slim the chances of that might be in real life).

For a FwB situation, a success to me would be that we enjoy our time together while it lasts and then we go our separate ways but are still friendly with each other. A failure I guess would be getting too many emotions involved and having a falling out. I don't even know if I would want it to go on for more than a year. I like the idea of a more traditional relationship in the long run (well, marriage doesn't matter), but this FwB would be a more short term, less commitment thing. I would have to do some thinking on true specifics. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 minutes ago, Marsa said:

Well, yeah and that is part of the worry too haha, but I can't really see something like that working out well without having some clear rules. 

 

Um I suppose a big part of it for me is that I still have a lot of uncertainty surrounding my sexuality, and while I'd like to explore that I always get a nagging worry that I wouldn't be sexual enough to satisfy someone in a typical relationship. And I worry about essentially "trapping" someone into a relationship that they would have not otherwise entered if I understood myself better from the get go. Like when I see posts from sexuals who entered relationships with aces before they knew they were ace, and the sexuals saying if they knew beforehand then they never would have started a relationship with them. But yeah, I thought it might be better to explore this in a more casual setting then I feel like I'm not really misleading anyone. 🤷‍♀️ Also my life doesn't feel very settled right now, so if I up and decide I want to move to another city I don't want to worry about a strong commitment to someone. 

 

There's a degree of sense to that I can see. Although I honestly don't see how you can trap anybody in a relationship these days when it seems like marriage is practically being labelled as taboo. All that leaves is common in law, and even then, if people don't get along, the option of walking away is always there, marriage or no. Kids complicate things, but that never stopped people from making poor choices anyway. 

 

I can take a shot in the dark for you based of psychological stuff. Chances are if you're still trying to define your sexuality, then when exposed to it, or the right sort of person, it'll show up in full swing. It's likely you need a partner that you trust on some level for anything to really emerge.

 

If that's the case, again, I'd urge caution on casual stuff. That's the complete opposite ballpark you want to get into if you're still trying to define things.

Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, Steadystate44 said:

I feel like the key to FWB is that they are a friend.   That would not necessarily mean that you forged a platonic friendship first, but often that is how it starts. Generally it's a friend that there is some attraction with.

*nods*
 

The successful FWB relationships I’ve seen have been between friends who didn’t want, didn’t have time for, or were in between romantic relationships... with the exception of one friend who is sexual but aro and permanently between things.


They normally ended (often to go back to friends, no benefits) when  someone found a partner, moved away, or caught unreciprocated feelings and decided the situation was just too painful.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mountain House

You are doing a pretty good job of writing your profile.  Everything you've said here should be in it.

 

Tell your potential future partner exactly what you are looking for and exactly where you are.  Be specific with your boundaries.  This way, the potential future partner knows the price of entry and they can make their own decision.  (The risk of their heartbreak is their decision)

 

You can't control feels.  They happen.  It's a human thing.

 

By the way, FWB is a relationship.  It's just a style.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
MakeupJunkie4
18 hours ago, E said:

If most full time relationships don't even work, I don't imagine that part time ones work well either.

This. My great-great-grandfather had an open marriage in the 1910s & 1920s (which was kept secret because, society), and both he and his wife dated around privately while being married to each other and living in the same house. It DID NOT work at all, as their partners all wanted more time and commitment from them, etc.  After several decades they finally decided to just stay committed to each other. 2 days later, my great-great-grandfather had a heart attack and died. All those years they could have been working together to have a happy marriage (or have gotten a divorce and tried to find happiness with someone else) - completely wasted. 

 

We all only have 24 hours a day. IMO it's best to stick with one person at a time so that there's time enough left for ourselves. As for FWB, I'm not here to tell anyone what to do -I just can't relate to that sort of situation.

Link to post
Share on other sites

...how is this post relevant for AVEN? Is @Marsa not just a normal not-asexual without a partner and looking for love/affection/bfw?

 

she could find answers in most magazines. The tricky part on this site is mixing it with asexuality, rigth?

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, CBC said:

Because there are sexual people here as well, in the process of figuring themselves out. Sometimes not everything is super-duper relevant to asexuality.

 

Just let people be. I assume the OP wanted input from sexuals.

Thanks CBC yeah I'm not totally sure where I lie. I honestly have no idea and feel I fit no where. So anyways thank you for your support as I often feel disoriented in all of this, 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think FWB and other casual sex arrangements can work for some people, but that in reality they work far less often that people hope they will.  For a lot of people sex generates the sort of deep feelings that can destroy the primary relationship.

 

I wish casual sex worked for me, and tha I could stay happily married to my wife, but not need to be basically celibate.  Unfortunately though, I'm pretty sure that for meit wouldn't work. 

 

It does work for some, but be careful.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...