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question about being present


Steadystate44

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Steadystate44

Hi there- I am a hetero woman who has for the past year and a half been with a man who is likely asexual. The more we discuss what his history entails, the more it seems (despite some confusion figuring this out) that he is asexual. We do love each other and enjoy most other aspects of the relationship.

 

A couple months ago he suggested I could find a partner outside our relationship with whom to express my sexuality, as a way of respecting the fact that I can't imagine being celibate while respecting the fact that he seems to be quite averse to sexual activity. He is not averse to touch per se, just when it is sexual. 

 

Last month I began seeing a former partner of mine, a man who has full knowledge of the fact that I am in a committed relationship, but that sex is not a part of that. I am working to be sure communication with both my ace partner and my lover is open and clear. Obviously, in relationships there is no way to guard against all hurt/disappointment. I realize it's part and parcel, along with the benefits people receive by participating.

 

An issue I am having is the ability to be present, both with my committed partner (we can refer to him as ace) and with my lover (whom I see on separate occasions; none of us is living together).  Most notably, when spending the day with my lover, I found my mind consumed much of the time with my ace partner. This left me feeling "off". I told my ace partner about it. I should probably also ask my lover if he had sensed anything was off.

 

I realize at just a month along in this manner of relating, I naturally would have a lot to learn. I don't want to automatically assume it is because I am incapable of enjoying an open relationship, though obviously that too has occurred to me as a possibility.

 

I guess another way this manifests is with my ace partner, at times I feel distant because I am still getting used to how things actually are (his asexuality). That is another way of not being present with the person you are with- in effect, resisting acceptance of who they are/ who I am.

 

I have been lurking on this site, particularly this forum for a while, reading posts, trying to get a direction with this.

 

For those of you who are successfully managing to express your sexual selves with a partner outside your primary relationship- how do you manage this? How do you switch gears between the different parts of your life?

 

Some would say I have it made: an asexual partner whom I love and who loves me, giving me permission to express sexuality elsewhere, as well as a lover I trust who understands and accepts that I am committed to someone else. I recognize the value of both partners, as well as the gift of sexuality, which to me has generally always been enjoyable.  I have narrowed in on the idea of acceptance (of others and  who I am) with and valuing the experiences as areas to clear up. I just have a very hard time switching gears.

 

 

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Hi @Steadystate44, welcome! 
 

Your description is interesting given you seem to dwell on your ace while with your lover. That is not something I experienced. With NRE, it can certainly flow the other way, but most all of that settles with time and predictable patterns. 
 

I think balance of time over thoughts may be more problematic early on. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Who knows? Perhaps that’s as unique as the individual.
 

Maybe it’s all a bit much and guilt plays a part for you?  Your experience is quite different from mine, so I can’t speak to it and am sorry to be so unhelpful.

 

As suggested, it’s possible that there are more folks who can address this issue at polyamory.com. 

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Steadystate44
9 hours ago, Mountain House said:

You might ask this question at polyamory.com.

I had thought that too. Except what I read when I looked on that site seemed sort of less organized than this site. Truthfully also, I think that because my focus is retaining my connection to my ace partner, the topics in these threads seem to hold more pertinent ideas for me. I have to say, if it were not for this one difference (asexual/allosexual relationship), I would probably not have considered the idea of an open relationship.

 

Still, could not hurt to ask, since obviously more people on that site may have had the issue of transitions between relationship partners. So they may have more answers about that aspect.

 

 

33 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

Hi @Steadystate44, welcome! 
 

Your description is interesting given you seem to dwell on your ace while with your lover. That is not something I experienced. With NRE, it can certainly flow the other way, but most all of that settles with time and predictable patterns. 
 

I think balance of time over thoughts may be more problematic early on. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Who knows? Perhaps that’s as unique as the individual.
 

Maybe it’s all a bit much and guilt plays a part for you?  Your experience is quite different from mine, so I can’t speak to it and am sorry to be so unhelpful.

 

As suggested, it’s possible that there are more folks who can address this issue at polyamory.com. 

 

Thanks Traveler- I would say you have been more helpful than you know, based on what you were able to share about your own situation in the other threads.

 

What you say about NRE might be one key to this- lover is less of a distraction because he had been my relationship partner before for about a year and a half. We parted with some pretty clear ideas about what the limits to us as a romantic couple were, but remained friends. So this doesn't have the heady feel of a new relationship, this is more like a friend that I know I enjoy some shared sport activities plus we are also currently not in a sexual relationship with anyone else, so it's more like a friends with benefits thing.

 

I don't think guilt is a factor. I have told both partners that it actually does not feel like "cheating"; everyone is aware of everyone else and consenting to the other connections. I get from my lover what my partner does not feel at ease providing, so in a sense it takes some pressure off him. He has stated that in the arrangement he definitely doesn't take me for granted (I never sensed that he did), but also that he feels better knowing that I am not doing without an activity that I am not wanting to give up. I don't sense him being particularly sad about it or uncomfortable about it, so I don't feel in that sense I am doing something negative to him. I think because this is a person I had previously seen the limits with relationshipwise, he also doesn't feel like a threat. He knows I am not going to be called off in some other direction romantically.

 

I hope you are right, that it is the newness of the situation that has me confused. I feel like I am experiencing them simultaneously, when in fact the more respectful orientation to me would be to be with the person I am with in that moment. The knowledge that my primary partner is most likely ace is something I'm not entirely settled into because it's a relatively new way of considering this for both of us. Perhaps the wistful part is the part of me that isn't fully accepting of what he apparently is (which I agree, is not respectful of him and his truth).

 

Also could be me at the mercy of tending to overthink the crap out of everything.

 

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10 hours ago, Steadystate44 said:

I hope you are right, that it is the newness of the situation that has me confused. I feel like I am experiencing them simultaneously, when in fact the more respectful orientation to me would be to be with the person I am with in that moment. The knowledge that my primary partner is most likely ace is something I'm not entirely settled into because it's a relatively new way of considering this for both of us. Perhaps the wistful part is the part of me that isn't fully accepting of what he apparently is (which I agree, is not respectful of him and his truth).

That seems to make the most sense, especially given the timeline of understanding and subsequent solution. For many of us, these realizations and life choices have taken decades, and the digestion of facts and ensuing agreements are much slower.

 

What’s happening on your end with the lack of full acceptance and inner turmoil is easier to understand actually. It’s all happened in fairly short order. Frankly, I’m always surprised when I read folks have been together for decades and suddenly someone realizes there’s an asexual in the mix and grieving begins.


Grieving happened throughout on my end. It was the puzzle I could never solve or accept. It was the cross carried in secret and pain. The day I found AVEN, the “aha” moment was miraculous. It gave me answers, peace, permissions and an outlet. It wasn’t a jumping off to angst, it was a starting point to heal.

 

The only difference I can see is timeline. Give yourself a break. Slow your mind down and understand you maintain the control. The only one that can hurt your ace is you. Your commitment, level of care and desire to communicate should be all you need to avoid many issues and work through it all. Discuss your feelings with him. It seems there’s understanding there. It’s not a snap, and you’re not a robot.  

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@Steadystate44? So you tried opening up, but found that it came with some difficulties for yourmonogamistic mind with a need for sharing with your partner?

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Steadystate44
2 hours ago, MrDane said:

@Steadystate44? So you tried opening up, but found that it came with some difficulties for yourmonogamistic mind with a need for sharing with your partner?

MrDane, not sure if I am understanding. The difficulties I would describe are akin to "switching gears" between my romantic primary relationship with my bf who appears to be ace, and my friendship with a former bf who I now spend time with engaging in shared outdoor interests (hiking, kayaking, surfing) and sex. We had remained friends after our break up, but I would say I had not considered turning to him for sexual activity until it became clear sex with my romantic partner is a "no go".

 

I would say my mind and previous orientation toward relationships was to be monogamous. It would be my preferred way of relating, mostly because that's what I am used to.

 

At Mountainhouse's suggestion I look for answers on polyamory.com, I decided to look at videos on YouTube regarding polyamory. I found videos by one couple who describe how they transition between meetings with each other and with their respective lovers. I found this to be somewhat helpful, as there is kind of what I would call an energetic shift between different relationships.

 

As of yet, we have not spent time together all three of us, but both men are open to the idea of meeting each other. In some sense I think this might be healthy to do, something non-threatening such as meeting for lunch, drinks or something. I think this would put a face to the name for both guys, and would allow my primary partner (who is ace) to see the other as basically a "friend with benefits" for me- that in no way is this guy going to pull me away romantically or somehow get in the way of our relating. In fact when my friend (a former bf) meets someone he wants a relationship with, I am fully in support of that, though I obviously realize it would be the end of our meeting as lovers (but not friends). Before we had set up this open relationship, I had actually been talking with him about his attempts to get back into dating.

 

I think the only way it gets in the way is in my mind. So perhaps you are right, my mind is wired differently from my current lifestyle choice.  Getting over whatever it is that keeps me from being in the moment would probably help. I don't feel like I'm cheating, everyone in the situation is aware of everyone else. I do sometimes feel pulled around from here to there (time and energy). I'd say I am pretty introverted, so that too could be the issue. I enjoy quality over quantity when it comes to socializing.  I need love, sex and companionship, just not too much🤔

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On 8/24/2020 at 11:45 PM, Steadystate44 said:

I had thought that too. Except what I read when I looked on that site seemed sort of less organized than this site

Lol Amen to that!   I can’t make any sense out of that site.  And yes I know exactly what you mean about the fact that this is specifically tied in to the Allo/ace relationship.  
 

I too have experienced some trouble with transitions and being present. I find it helps me if I just mention my other partner in conversation with either one. Any innocuous way of including them as a topic makes me feel more grounded. 
 

fwiw the Multiamory podcast just did an episode on transitions. It’s pretty good. 

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Steadystate44
2 hours ago, RDIAG said:

I too have experienced some trouble with transitions and being present. I find it helps me if I just mention my other partner in conversation with either one. Any innocuous way of including them as a topic makes me feel more grounded.

I agree, I have noticed that too. I think symbolically it acknowledges the significance of both individuals in my life. It makes it so nobody is a "secret".  Possibly part of the having my head be somewhere else was partly to do with trying not to mention the other, as if to do so would be an intrusion. It seems the intrusion was caused more by not talking about the person who was not present, as if they were a subject I was afraid to discuss.

 

So yeah, learning what the etiquette of that would be and wanting to be sure everyone's feelings are checked in with and taken into account. Neither seems put off by talk about the other, and obviously, as you say it stays in the realm of innocuous comments (nothing I wouldn't say in front of the other person if they were there).

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Mountain House
10 hours ago, RDIAG said:

Multiamory podcast

Hey, they're good too.  Dedeker (the producer of this podcast) wrote The Smart Girl's Guide To Polyamory.  (haven't read it yet)

 

I should have been a little more specific.  Post your question in the "Poly Relationships Corner" forum at polyamory.com and you'll get responses from experienced open minded helpful folk.

 

But it sounds like positive things are happening.  :)

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Steadystate44
14 hours ago, Mountain House said:

I should have been a little more specific.  Post your question in the "Poly Relationships Corner" forum at polyamory.com and you'll get responses from experienced open minded helpful folk.

 

But it sounds like positive things are happening.  :)

Thanks for narrowing it down. I got on some kind of a general message board and couldn't pin point the aspects I was wanting to know about.

 

Will look at podcasts as well, RDIAG.

 

Again, my propensity to overthink the crap out of stuff gets in my own way😕

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On 8/29/2020 at 2:13 AM, Steadystate44 said:

MrDane, not sure if I am understanding. The difficulties I would describe are akin to "switching gears" between my romantic primary relationship with my bf who appears to be ace, and my friendship with a former bf who I now spend time with engaging in shared outdoor interests (hiking, kayaking, surfing) and sex. We had remained friends after our break up, but I would say I had not considered turning to him for sexual activity until it became clear sex with my romantic partner is a "no go".

 

I would say my mind and previous orientation toward relationships was to be monogamous. It would be my preferred way of relating, mostly because that's what I am used to.

 

At Mountainhouse's suggestion I look for answers on polyamory.com, I decided to look at videos on YouTube regarding polyamory. I found videos by one couple who describe how they transition between meetings with each other and with their respective lovers. I found this to be somewhat helpful, as there is kind of what I would call an energetic shift between different relationships.

 

As of yet, we have not spent time together all three of us, but both men are open to the idea of meeting each other. In some sense I think this might be healthy to do, something non-threatening such as meeting for lunch, drinks or something. I think this would put a face to the name for both guys, and would allow my primary partner (who is ace) to see the other as basically a "friend with benefits" for me- that in no way is this guy going to pull me away romantically or somehow get in the way of our relating. In fact when my friend (a former bf) meets someone he wants a relationship with, I am fully in support of that, though I obviously realize it would be the end of our meeting as lovers (but not friends). Before we had set up this open relationship, I had actually been talking with him about his attempts to get back into dating.

 

I think the only way it gets in the way is in my mind. So perhaps you are right, my mind is wired differently from my current lifestyle choice.  Getting over whatever it is that keeps me from being in the moment would probably help. I don't feel like I'm cheating, everyone in the situation is aware of everyone else. I do sometimes feel pulled around from here to there (time and energy). I'd say I am pretty introverted, so that too could be the issue. I enjoy quality over quantity when it comes to socializing.  I need love, sex and companionship, just not too much🤔

That is a good answer! If I came to having to get my sex elsewhere, then I would like to keep my family life and be open and honest about whatever solution we migth find. I think my first chokce (...or attempt!?) would be someone , where our meetings are just about a  mutual sexual need. I mean, less other stuff, like hobbies. 

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Steadystate44
On 9/6/2020 at 1:54 AM, MrDane said:

That is a good answer! If I came to having to get my sex elsewhere, then I would like to keep my family life and be open and honest about whatever solution we migth find. I think my first chokce (...or attempt!?) would be someone , where our meetings are just about a  mutual sexual need. I mean, less other stuff, like hobbies. 

In some ways what you say makes sense: I do find that spending time with a lover doing other things (we went hiking yesterday) does take time away from my primary relationship. I do not have a family with children (mine is grown), so in some ways it is less of a consideration.

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