More complicated than I would like

[AlwaysAwkward]

Ok, I screwed up and can't figure out how to put this at the end, so I'll put it here... if you have any clue what happened (I.e., is there a term for this?) I would appreciate it more than you know! Trying to look this up resulted in me finding stuff that didn't really describe me (it's not related to depression, psychopathy, alexithymia, or trauma), and I don't feel comfortable discussing it with a professional without being sure that they won't just tell me I'm wrong about what I think I'm experiencing.

Ok on to the real part

I've been having trouble figuring out my romantic orientation, and its complicated by a weird thing - something I haven't known how to talk to anyone about without it being misunderstood - but I know it's a necessary step to understanding this part of me so here goes: 

When I was younger, I definitely fell in love with my best friend (yeah, that over-done cliché). Then, when I turned 14, a REALLY weird thing happened. Since that was around the height of puberty, things were weird and I probably spent the majority of that period in a mental fog. So it took me a while to realize something was off... 

Spoiler

Spoiler

So I got really upset over something (who knows what) and was bawling in my room when... nothing. Like, I felt nothing. I'm crying my eyes out and there is no emotion behind it. I was just waiting for the rest of me to calm down as if it was someone else crying. 

So that was weird...

Once I finally calmed down, I wanted to figure out what the heck happened and decided to see if I could feel happy. NOPE. Then I though of my friend... normally I would get this "warm fuzzy feeling" (again, cliché, but hey) and everything seemed good. But this time there was nothing. I was freaked the frick out. Like, what the hell, I no longer have emotions??? That's not ok.

So naturally, realizing I wasn't feeling any emotion, I convinced myself that I turned into a psychopath. It took a while and a LOT of internet tests and explanations to figure out I still felt guilt and empathy = I was not a psychopath (yay)

In short... I don't feel emotions anymore. Kinda.

I do still experience the emotion, I just don't feel it. I know that's confusing, I still don't get it either, at least not completely. 

But it should be obvious why I'm struggling to figure out my romantic orientation... I can't feel whether I'm feeling "romantically attracted" to someone because I feel nothing emotionally towards everyone.

[Artila]

So you feel the symptoms (giddyness in legs and stomach, the rush of euphoria, the overfixation onto that person) but they don't reach you in your core, did I get this right?

[AlwaysAwkward]

7 hours ago, Artila said:

So you feel the symptoms (giddyness in legs and stomach, the rush of euphoria, the overfixation onto that person) but they don't reach you in your core, did I get this right?

Yeah! That is pretty accurate for me!

[Artila]

3 hours ago, AlwaysAwkward said:

Yeah! That is pretty accurate for me!

That's hella interesting. A weird detachment from emotions.

 

I am by no means a professional so take every one of my words with a grain of salt but.... have you considered that this may be some kind of "emotional dissociation"?

I googled "emotional detachment" yet you said:

 

16 hours ago, AlwaysAwkward said:

(it's not related to depression, psychopathy, alexithymia, or trauma)

 

which makes it really weird.

 

Anything you are afraid of? Any fears that may cause this? It sounds like derealisation but from emotions.

 

Edit: Does anything here: https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-numbing-symptoms-2797372 sound like you?

[AlwaysAwkward]

5 hours ago, Artila said:

That's hella interesting. A weird detachment from emotions.

 

I am by no means a professional so take every one of my words with a grain of salt but.... have you considered that this may be some kind of "emotional dissociation"?

I googled "emotional detachment" yet you said:

 

 

which makes it really weird.

 

Anything you are afraid of? Any fears that may cause this? It sounds like derealisation but from emotions.

 

Edit: Does anything here: https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-numbing-symptoms-2797372 sound like you?

I've looked up emotional dissociation before too! The brief descriptions seem to kinda fit but once I read the full length "symptoms" and it just wasn't quite right... like I would feel a different version of the symptoms listed.

 

As far as fears or anything like that... I really don't have anything like this. At the time this came on, the worst thing that I would have experienced is just junior high drama (I'm lucky to have had a relatively calm childhood). 

 

I did did a pretty poor job of describing how I "feel" things, but if I were to give an analogy maybe something like: if I were to cut my foot, I would be able to tell I cut it, that it hurt, and could notice my body react to the pain normally (pull away, bleed, etc.), but while I'd be completely aware of the pain I wouldn't feel the discomfort of the pain.... if that makes any more sense?

[AlwaysAwkward]

16 hours ago, Artila said:

 (giddyness in legs and stomach, the rush of euphoria, the overfixation onto that person)

Also, I was in too much of a rush this morning to type this, but thank you for listing those feelings! I know that love isn't the same as romantic attraction, but I wasn't exactly sure what romantic attraction was. I definitely have experienced those, but because I didn't feel it, I wasn't fully sure - I just thought I was being weirdly goofy and anxious(?) at times - so thanks, that really helps me figure out at least that bit. 

 

On that note, is there any orientation that describes when personality is the thing that "does it" romantically (not necessarily emotional bond, just personality)?

[Artila]

8 hours ago, AlwaysAwkward said:

I've looked up emotional dissociation before too! The brief descriptions seem to kinda fit but once I read the full length "symptoms" and it just wasn't quite right... like I would feel a different version of the symptoms listed.

 

As far as fears or anything like that... I really don't have anything like this. At the time this came on, the worst thing that I would have experienced is just junior high drama (I'm lucky to have had a relatively calm childhood). 

 

I did did a pretty poor job of describing how I "feel" things, but if I were to give an analogy maybe something like: if I were to cut my foot, I would be able to tell I cut it, that it hurt, and could notice my body react to the pain normally (pull away, bleed, etc.), but while I'd be completely aware of the pain I wouldn't feel the discomfort of the pain.... if that makes any more sense?

After reading your words again I realized that I had experienced something like this during childhood, where I was crying like crazy but in my core I was calm and planning on a strategy to help my body stop sobbing. But I can definitely tell that I was in a long phase of emotional abuse which was traumatic to some extent so that made more sense in hindsight. I think I can relate to how you feel but it is weird that it apparently happens without a cause.

 

8 hours ago, AlwaysAwkward said:

Also, I was in too much of a rush this morning to type this, but thank you for listing those feelings! I know that love isn't the same as romantic attraction, but I wasn't exactly sure what romantic attraction was. I definitely have experienced those, but because I didn't feel it, I wasn't fully sure - I just thought I was being weirdly goofy and anxious(?) at times - so thanks, that really helps me figure out at least that bit. 

 

On that note, is there any orientation that describes when personality is the thing that "does it" romantically (not necessarily emotional bond, just personality)?

Well - having a crush is a feeling based on romantic attraction. Yes it's no "true love" since it is selfish and short-lived in nature but it is a form of romantic attraction.

 

See this quote from the AVENwiki about romantic attraction:

Quote

"A crush, also known as limerence and infatuated love, is an emotional desire for a romantic relationship caused by being romantically attracted to someone "

 

Also np! I am glad I could somewhat help you! Also yes, there is demisexual/demiromantic - for folks who only feel attraction after getting to know a person well and sapiosexual/sapioromatic - being attracted to someones intelligence.

 

 

[AlwaysAwkward]

16 hours ago, Artila said:

After reading your words again I realized that I had experienced something like this during childhood, where I was crying like crazy but in my core I was calm and planning on a strategy to help my body stop sobbing. But I can definitely tell that I was in a long phase of emotional abuse which was traumatic to some extent so that made more sense in hindsight. I think I can relate to how you feel but it is weird that it apparently happens without a cause.

 

Well - having a crush is a feeling based on romantic attraction. Yes it's no "true love" since it is selfish and short-lived in nature but it is a form of romantic attraction.

 

See this quote from the AVENwiki about romantic attraction:

 

Also np! I am glad I could somewhat help you! Also yes, there is demisexual/demiromantic - for folks who only feel attraction after getting to know a person well and sapiosexual/sapioromatic - being attracted to someones intelligence.

 

 

Wow, I was really starting to think I was the only one who ever experienced this. I'm glad to know I'm not, though I'm sorry that you went through what you did to have to feel like that.

 

I really appreciate your insight and your willingness to share about yourself! I'm feeling more comfortable with the thought of talking about this - maybe I'll even seek professional advice one day - and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, even if just a bit!

[Artila]

7 hours ago, AlwaysAwkward said:

Wow, I was really starting to think I was the only one who ever experienced this. I'm glad to know I'm not, though I'm sorry that you went through what you did to have to feel like that.

 

I really appreciate your insight and your willingness to share about yourself! I'm feeling more comfortable with the thought of talking about this - maybe I'll even seek professional advice one day - and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, even if just a bit!

I am really glad I could help you! If it burdens you, definitely go and ask a professional. I am happy I made you feel better about all this :3 I wish you lots of success! ❤️ 

[human bean]

That sounds a lot like dissociation. I know the feeling, I get it all the freaking time. (I mean, I'm aro, so I've never felt that specifically with romantic attraction, but I dissociate from other emotions. The crying and feeling absolutely nothing, I've had that before. It's kind of unnerving.)

 

For me, it's mostly related to anxiety (I had depression for a few years and that triggered dissociation too.) Not always, though. Sometimes it's because there's been a lot going on and my brain is overwhelmed, sometimes it's because I'm living in my head too much. It also happens when I look in the mirror or when people acknowledge my existence. Or when I think about dissociation. (Great, now I'm dissociating again.)

 

Anyway, you're probably still experiencing emotions, you're just detached from them. Have you noticed any triggers or do you feel like that all the time?

[AlwaysAwkward]

On 8/28/2020 at 1:07 AM, human bean said:

That sounds a lot like dissociation. I know the feeling, I get it all the freaking time. (I mean, I'm aro, so I've never felt that specifically with romantic attraction, but I dissociate from other emotions. The crying and feeling absolutely nothing, I've had that before. It's kind of unnerving.)

 

For me, it's mostly related to anxiety (I had depression for a few years and that triggered dissociation too.) Not always, though. Sometimes it's because there's been a lot going on and my brain is overwhelmed, sometimes it's because I'm living in my head too much. It also happens when I look in the mirror or when people acknowledge my existence. Or when I think about dissociation. (Great, now I'm dissociating again.)

 

Anyway, you're probably still experiencing emotions, you're just detached from them. Have you noticed any triggers or do you feel like that all the time?

Yeah, it seems really similar to dissocation! I haven't really ever had anything traumatic happen (of course bad things have happened, but I'm usually really good at dealing with and working through anything affecting me negatively), and I've been "dissociated" from my emotions for 8 or so years without directly feeling anything at all times - which seems to be outside the scope of normal emotional dissociation from what I can tell, but maybe it still counts?

 

Yeah, I definitely am still experiencing emotion and can tell pretty much all the time what I'm feeling, which is definitely a plus. It just kinda feels like it's happening to a different part of my brain and not reaching "me" maybe? By the way, thanks for the response!

[human bean]

On 9/1/2020 at 9:37 PM, AlwaysAwkward said:

Yeah, it seems really similar to dissocation! I haven't really ever had anything traumatic happen (of course bad things have happened, but I'm usually really good at dealing with and working through anything affecting me negatively), and I've been "dissociated" from my emotions for 8 or so years without directly feeling anything at all times - which seems to be outside the scope of normal emotional dissociation from what I can tell, but maybe it still counts?

 

Yeah, I definitely am still experiencing emotion and can tell pretty much all the time what I'm feeling, which is definitely a plus. It just kinda feels like it's happening to a different part of my brain and not reaching "me" maybe? By the way, thanks for the response!

I haven't had anything traumatic happen either. People usually talk about dissociation in the context of trauma but I think there are lots of people who dissociate without having gone through anything like that.

 

Yeah, it feels like that for me too. (No problem!)