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Hi, newbie here!


Witchy

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Hi, everyone! I'm new and happy to be here. 

 
I'm a non-binary pansexual in a mixed relationship with my asexual partner of 2+ years. We live together and have three cats together. My partner is my rock. He's the smartest and strongest person I know, and he's my best friend. He's also affectionate and I don't (often) doubt that he loves me. I love him very much. 
 
We both deal with depression and anxiety and insecurities, so we check-in with each other often. He knows I'm reaching out to this forum looking for support and to connect with folx.   
 
Sometimes, I wonder what makes our relationship different than the relationship he has with friends. Sometimes, I get jealous of the emotional connection he has with his friends and when my insecurities drag me down, I wonder "Am I just a roommate?" 
 
Sometimes, I miss the physical intimacy of sex and that feeling of being desired and wanted and needed. I wonder "What can I do to make myself feel better?" Because I realize that feeling down and bad about myself isn't my partners responsibility to fix.  
 
I hate dumping my insecurities on him as it brings him down and makes him feel bad, too. 
 
Aside from communicating with him, what are some things I can do to heal my insecurities? How can I re-program my brain from connecting sex with feeling wanted/needed/desired/loved? Are there any books or blogs I can read, or maybe he and I can read together? 
 
Thanks. 
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Welcome!

Sorry to hear you're having trouble in your relationship! I hope someone who has better advice than I could ever give can point you in a direction where you can get some solid answers and you figure things out!! C :

Have fun here! n.n

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  • 2 weeks later...

Perhaps he is all that and that will be fine. But to me it sounds like a relationship with your best friend. That can be great, though! But you have to accept never to be wanted and never to ‘share’ that awesome feeling of mutual sexual desire.

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On 8/17/2020 at 7:27 PM, Telecaster68 said:

Neither of you can reprogramme your brain to essentially change your orientation. There's nothing wrong with either orientation but they're generally not a good combination in a relationship. 

Changing one's sexual orientation like that is not possible, of course. But I once took part on discussion here on AVEN where allo partners of aces discussed about how to unlearn the reflex-like assumption that ace not finding their partner sexually attractive means they don't love their partner by any way at all. I understand it can feel like that for an allo person to whom love and sex(ual attraction) go hand in hand. But I think it's possible to differentiate that the two don't go hand in hand for everyone (that's the case with aces). At least some allo partners in that discussion said after a period of processing things they could understand that. I mean, they naturally had the reaction of "oh, my partner does not desire me, so they don't love me!", but after processing they could rationalize "they do love me, me feeling rejected is my feeling, not their's".

 

Anyhow, other allo partners said they could not deal with it, and broke up. Which, I feel, really is the best option on some cases. It's not to blame the ace nor the allo partner. Sometimes things just don't work out, unfortunately.

On 8/27/2020 at 8:19 PM, MrDane said:

But you have to accept never to be wanted and never to ‘share’ that awesome feeling of mutual sexual desire.

This, very much. I don't completely exclude all allo people from being my potential partners (I'm aromantic asexual, but I'm not sex-repulsed). But to get into relationship with an allosexual person, they have to understand that anything that happens from my part isn't driven by sexual desire towards them. If they can't take that without feeling rejected or hurt or like I didn't love them, I think it's better for both of us not to be in committed relationship.

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3 hours ago, naakka said:

Changing one's sexual orientation like that is not possible, of course. But I once took part on discussion here on AVEN where allo partners of aces discussed about how to unlearn the reflex-like assumption that ace not finding their partner sexually attractive means they don't love their partner by any way at all. I understand it can feel like that for an allo person to whom love and sex(ual attraction) go hand in hand. But I think it's possible to differentiate that the two don't go hand in hand for everyone (that's the case with aces). At least some allo partners in that discussion said after a period of processing things they could understand that. I mean, they naturally had the reaction of "oh, my partner does not desire me, so they don't love me!", but after processing they could rationalize "they do love me, me feeling rejected is my feeling, not their's".

 

Anyhow, other allo partners said they could not deal with it, and broke up. Which, I feel, really is the best option on some cases. It's not to blame the ace nor the allo partner. Sometimes things just don't work out, unfortunately.

This, very much. I don't completely exclude all allo people from being my potential partners (I'm aromantic asexual, but I'm not sex-repulsed). But to get into relationship with an allosexual person, they have to understand that anything that happens from my part isn't driven by sexual desire towards them. If they can't take that without feeling rejected or hurt or like I didn't love them, I think it's better for both of us not to be in committed relationship.

...so, at best, sex can be fun. Like a massage or tickling eachother can be fun. 

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45 minutes ago, MrDane said:

...so, at best, sex can be fun. Like a massage or tickling eachother can be fun. 

For aces, maybe yes. Or relaxing. Or satisfying  to your libido. Or making you happy if it makes your partner happy. Or it can fulfill your wish to become a parent. There's many reasons to have sex. Are you ace?

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 8/29/2020 at 12:10 AM, naakka said:

For aces, maybe yes. Or relaxing. Or satisfying  to your libido. Or making you happy if it makes your partner happy. Or it can fulfill your wish to become a parent. There's many reasons to have sex. Are you ace?

No, definately not! Monogamistic, heterosexual, sexual, romantic

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2 hours ago, MrDane said:

No, definately not! Monogamistic, heterosexual, sexual, romantic

I see 😊

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