There’s no Aphrodisiac like loneliness.

[OzWulfer]

I have one foot in the younger crowd, and one foot here. ((being half way 20 to 50 )). And I seek wisdom!

While I love being single, love having my bed to myself, doing chores at my time, , the freedom. I went on holidays recently, by myself…and the experiences seemed quite empty, such a non event, I don’t think I’ll do that again. Sure I got on well with the people at the time, but I didn’t know them. My friends have grown up, and married, having kiddies, and thus have grown distant.

I walked a famous walk in old growth forest, national park here, very early in morning (started out in dark, to be able to catch this unique experience.). I was very lucky to catch what many want to see, and rarely happens. A cascading waterfall of mist pouring down into a valley, from a mountain range. However I was alone…and the beautiful experience seemed wonderful then, however now, it seems as empty as a pic. There was nobody with me to share it.

To those asexuals alone…Is it best to go it alone. I mean even if you have family, nephews and nieces. Because I always had inner relief when someone leaves me. My drive returns, however my soul checks out. My better self seems to be present with someone, however my passion and zest for life always seems when me when I’m alone (and I don’t mean sexual..more life risks).

Well, if you like to add something about yourself here, your thoughts and regrets. Heck! I would love to read anything from you people :)

[Tanwen]

I think many of us appreciate your problem - and loneliness is a problem, whereas a solitary life (if by choice) isn't. My situation isn't quite the same as yours, I have an extended family so being alone isn't an option, even though I desparately want to be at times. When people ask what I want for Christmas/birthdays etc, I often want to say something like 24 hours uninterrupted time to myself! At the moment, the only time I can be really alone is when I go to bed - and then I'm asleep and can't appreciate it. So, you may think I can't be lonely but I am. I'd love to have a close friend to share things with too, but there isn't much time for it - my family and work take up most. I've made some good friends on AVEN, and have been along to a couple of meets in London (I appreciate Australia is somewhat bigger than the UK... :lol: )

*Oh, and the 'Test Match' thing - there's an Australian nurse on the ward my mother's in, and he's having a good 'gloat' at the moment :D - course, cricket is evenmore of a mystery to me than football!*

[OzWulfer]

Thanks for your reply Tanwen,

*nods * I can understand you wanting to be alone. Weddings, funerals and everything in between. I want to be alone, but at the same time, not so. I always think as my family not counting, because that’s default (and like you, I love family to death! ), if it wasn’t for them, then I would certainly have no reason to be here.

That 24hrs uninterrupted time sounds like a wonderful gift (and doesn’t cost them a thing…even better! ). Maybe I’ll push it for a guaranteed 48hrs!

However Tanwen, if you take work and family away…it sounds like you wish for someone? My work is winding down now, no longer have to go overseas…and have evenings and weekends to myself now, like a regular 9-5/ five days a week. My siblings having kids have been a god’s grant to me, for it’s kept the focus away from me.

We about to have a Sydney Aven meet here, in a few days. (first time ), be interesting how that goes, since I’ll be years over all of them :/. ((I hope that at least two the same age are there, so they won’t be stuck with me! ))

And don’t worry about the Ashes (the cricket thingy ). Don’t you dare tell my mates about this…but I hope secretly that England steals the series again. It would make them a whole lot more interesting in watching!

[BlacKat]

I think many of us appreciate your problem - and loneliness is a problem, whereas a solitary life (if by choice) isn't. My situation isn't quite the same as yours, I have an extended family so being alone isn't an option, even though I desparately want to be at times. When people ask what I want for Christmas/birthdays etc, I often want to say something like 24 hours uninterrupted time to myself! At the moment, the only time I can be really alone is when I go to bed - and then I'm asleep and can't appreciate it. So, you may think I can't be lonely but I am. I'd love to have a close friend to share things with too, but there isn't much time for it - my family and work take up most. I've made some good friends on AVEN, and have been along to a couple of meets in London (I appreciate Australia is somewhat bigger than the UK... :lol: )

*Oh, and the 'Test Match' thing - there's an Australian nurse on the ward my mother's in, and he's having a good 'gloat' at the moment :D - course, cricket is evenmore of a mystery to me than football!*

I think Tanwen you should take a weekend to yourself, check into a motel/hotel, take your favorite books with you, leave your cell phone at home and just get that alone time. :D

[M51]

Yes, I think I understand where you're coming from, DVB. I love being alone. I need that time to myself. I love living alone. But sometimes I wish I had someone else to experience life with...but then in the next moment I remember how irritated I get when someone is around me all the time, needing affection and acknowledgment...gah....I'm concerned that I have become too selfish to ever find that one relationship. I expect hir to go away and leave me alone at the drop of a hat, yet show me affection and spend time with me at my convenience, on demand. It is unfair to ask this of anyone, and the final catch-22 is that I wouldn't really respect someone who jumped at my every whim to be together or alone like that. So for now I am sticking to being alone.

*sigh*

I had this thought about myself. On this board we talk about asexuals who have sex drive but do not wish to actually have sex with anyone. Is it possible that I have a romantic drive - the desire to form intimate emotional bonds with someone - but I can't ever find a person I actually want to "consummate" my romantic drive with? That is, is it possible that I experience high romantic drive but low romantic attraction?

[OzWulfer]

I only declared myself asexual…a few weeks ago, even though I suspected it over ten years ago. It probably took me so long, being a bull headed male, who wanted to be one of the lads. I suppose M51 if you’re ready to live your life alone. At the moment, I feel contented to live alone, even though it will mean I’ll die much younger. There is no one to suppress my bad habits right now. And I don’t have the luxury of suppressing others.

Maybe we’re too selfish, and we don’t have sex drive, thus we don’t have to compromise to anyone. I suppose if you find no one…in this day and age, it really doesn’t matter anymore. It depends on your culture and family, I guess. And there’s that annoying thing called the heart, which sways against your mind, and makes indecisions.

[Ziffler]

DVB Wrote:

To those asexuals alone…Is it best to go it alone. I mean even if you have family, nephews and nieces.

I have always been alone. I have always loved being alone. I could have been a Hermit living high up a mountain someplace and been very happy. Social occassions stress me out so much I cant swallow. Right now, I am home alone, peace and quiet, and enjoying every minute of it.

But you did mention something that struck a chord.

I went on holidays recently, by myself…and the experiences seemed quite empty

I hate doing things by myself. Isn't that the wierdest thing? Going to car shows or movies or even shopping, I hate to go alone. Most times I just don't go and instead stay home and enjoy the peace, yet going is something I would have liked to do. I have not went to Nudist Activities because I would have to go alone and I know I would have enjoyed myself if only I had went.

One of the things I do, is to invite one of my nephews or nieces to go along. It doubles the price, since I pay for both of us, but if one of them goes then I will go instead of talking myself out of going. Obviously, with them being family, there isn't any sexual overtones to the trip, which makes it where I can enjoy it. But, even though there is never a shortage of family that would accompany me on trips and outings, most of the time, I choose not to invite them and just stay at home. I am comfortable with my lifestyle. Yes, I miss out on some things, but I also don't have the stress of someone elses life to deal with. Having a full time partner, would mean full time stress. Since all of us have our lives with its ups and downs, a partner would bring with them, a new set of ups and downs, that honestly, I have never wanted to deal with. So for me, a temporary companion works best, so enters a nephew or niece. lol. I only have the responsibility for them, while they are with me. Which lowers my stress.

Probably not what you wanted to hear. But this is what works for me.

[roddy9uk]

Probably not what you wanted to hear. But this is what works for me.

And why shouldn't it work?

I use friends in much the same way..a companion for a holiday..company at parties..but after it all I still have my flat to myself..

roddy

[twister]

Hi, another one here who feels the same. I live alone and enjoy it most of the time. But I also hate going places alone and also usually end up talking myself out of it, then feeling that I missed out. Nieces and nephews used to be useful, but as they got older and found their own friends they no longer want to go with me - so it's back to not going anywhere!

[FelineFanatic]

I, too am in the same position. Either go somewhere alone or stay home... I would like a close confident, but not someone to live with or spend all my time with.

[mackat5]

My main problm is when I eat out - alone. It often would be soooo nice to have someone there to talk to. I do live alone, and at this point I don't think that I want to change that. But I DO like to be around people.

Right now, I'm not at home because we had a ice storm Thursday and a branch came down on my power line. So I am staying with church family untill my power is back on again. Not bad, but I do miss my times alone also. At least it's warm!!

[sakura_alice]

I have a problem with being alone. I love the company of others. I love attention. But thinking that people who like me will want to make out and/or have sex makes me very uncomfortable around them (even people I think are cute). I do see myself getting married one day, but I'm worried about finding someone who will feel the same way I do. I don't know if anyone has seen Escaflowne (and I'm an extreme dork for bringing this up >_<() ), but I loved the advice of, "negative thoughts create a negative reality. If you believe positively about something, there will be a positive outcome." So I've got to hold on to the image that I will find that person for it to happen.

[Ziffler]

Mac Wrote:

My main problm is when I eat out - alone.

Same here, so I very seldom do. I usually will get it "to go" and take it home to eat or, when travelling, back to hotel room to eat.

sakura_alice wrote:

negative thoughts create a negative reality

There is a certain amount of truth in that statement and besides, life is just so much more enjoyable with a positive attitude.

[brian_w]

This is a little something I picked up a few years ago, which ties in nicely with what sakura_alice and Ziffler mention about negativity.

Notice your Negative Self-Hypnosis

I don't know what he did wrong but he'd certainly annoyed his mother. 'Don't you ever, ever, do that again. You stupid, stupid little boy. Do you hear me? I won't stand for it. Never, ever again!' Each phrase was emphasised with a smack on the bottom. The three year old was in tears. The woman was beside herself with anger.

No doubt she was well-intentioned and wanted to teach him an important life-lesson. I am sure that her intention wasn't to set him up for a life-time of low self confidence and self esteem.

The constantly repeated messages we receive as children help form our self esteem and self confidence. These messages have added power if received when we are in a highly emotional state. So the little boy's scared and tearful state made him very susceptible to the repetition of 'stupid, stupid' message. Such messages have all the impact of powerful hypnosis.

Happily most of our un-useful childhood impressions or beliefs are weakened by later experiences and by the passing of time unless we unwittingly continue the process of negatively hypnotising ourselves...

Listen to your self-talk - the on-going silent chatter in your head. Is this building you up or undermining you?

Whenever you make a mistake do you say 'you stupid, stupid boy/girl'. When someone criticises you do you silently agree with them as if it's yet more proof of your low self worth? Are you carrying on the negative hypnosis of overworked and impatient teachers or loving but scared and incompetent parents?

Our self talk messages have a very powerful hypnotising affect on us. Just like hypnosis they are so repetitious that we rarely challenge them. They are relentless - so we stop consciously 'hearing' them. And they are either so monotonous that we are lulled into a passively accepting them or are very emotionally charged and impactful.

Many people recognise this and try to stop this negative self-hypnosis. But most of them go about it the wrong way - by trying to not talk to themselves.

So let's get one thing clear - you will never stop your self talk. Accept that and you are half-way to ending the self-undermining. What's more your self talk is a valuable part of your thinking. It is what you say to yourself that needs attention.

The solution is powerful but is deceptively simple. Spend a few minutes every day noticing the undermining messages you give yourself. Just pay attention to this negative self hypnosis and think to yourself 'There I go - repeating the old, redundant stuff again.'

That's all. Keep it simple and you're more likely to do it. Incidentally, this is a lot more effective than trying to stop the negative self talk because the more you try to NOT think of something the more fixated on it you become.

Do it for a few minutes every day and start benefiting from positive self observation. And, each time you notice that you are undermining your self esteem and self confidence, remind yourself of how you are a different person now than you were way back then.

[SummerSeeker]

I live alone and really enjoy it. I can see living the rest of my life by myself, although I hope that does not happen. Part of me would like to find a romantic relationship (without sex), but part of me is selfish and does not want to share my time or my space. What do I do? I don't want to miss out on anything so I travel by myself, but I do think it would be better to have someone to go with, until they get on my nerves. Hmm....

[OzWulfer]

I live alone and really enjoy it. I can see living the rest of my life by myself, although I hope that does not happen. Part of me would like to find a romantic relationship (without sex), but part of me is selfish and does not want to share my time or my space. What do I do? I don't want to miss out on anything so I travel by myself, but I do think it would be better to have someone to go with, until they get on my nerves. Hmm....

Same views here. I’m quite content with being alone (just content, not ecstatic or depressed ). And I do view not putting the effort in a relationship as selfish. When someone is with me, I can’t wait till they’re out again. Why I don’t mind being in bed with someone for affection, I can never sleep! So I end up on the floor or couch. Having a His and Her room, would be hard to explain to someone. Can’t have best of both worlds.

But as mentioned in earlier posts, by sakura_alice and brian_w, it’s all to do with attitude. You see people who you think have it all, and they’re miserable, and people with less, genuinely happy. It doesn’t come down to wealth, social stature…but your attitude and what you do about it. It’s basic and probably over simplistic.

Well, have a generation of nephews and nieces coming up, so I’ll tag with them, till they grow up. Gives me 10/15yrs

[BunnyK.]

Yes, I think I understand where you're coming from, DVB. I love being alone. I need that time to myself. I love living alone. But sometimes I wish I had someone else to experience life with...but then in the next moment I remember how irritated I get when someone is around me all the time, needing affection and acknowledgment...gah....I'm concerned that I have become too selfish to ever find that one relationship. I expect hir to go away and leave me alone at the drop of a hat, yet show me affection and spend time with me at my convenience, on demand. It is unfair to ask this of anyone, and the final catch-22 is that I wouldn't really respect someone who jumped at my every whim to be together or alone like that. So for now I am sticking to being alone.

I find this interesting, because oddly enough as a fairly typical romantic sexual I still deal with this dilemma. I'm usually happy enough with having people around, if they're people I like, but my boyfriend is much more like you. He likes having his own space and needs a lot of time to himself. He *definitely* can get irritable if people are too much in his face, needing things from him all the time.

We've worked out a compromise to the effect that when he needs "me time", he just needs to ask for it. I go away and find something of my own to do. Of course, most of the time, this is just fine with me - I like being around him, but I'm not so crippled with extroversion that I can't find my own things to do. However, when I'm feeling especially needy of attention or affection, I can tell him so, and he does what he can to accommodate that as well, even if he'd rather be doing his own thing. I just have to be careful not to overuse my exception. :) Of course, it works the other way too - when I need my "me time" - which I do, though far less frequently - he has to go find his own entertainment.

I don't feel like I am jumping to his whim in this compromise, because I know it goes both ways, and I know that if I have honest needs that he'll do his best to meet them. I just see it as the two of us having honest communication, and the respect for each other to give the other person the space they need.

Having a His and Her room, would be hard to explain to someone. Can’t have best of both worlds.

Well, anything is possible. I know of quite a few people who sleep in different rooms, not out of lack of affection, but just because they sleep better that way.

[sakura_alice]

I once lived with a couple who were in their 70s, and they had seperate rooms...but I think it's either something traditional to their age or they just felt like it, lol

[mouth brooder]

I've known more than one married couple to each have their own houses.

I thought that was a bit on the extravagant side because I don't think it would be too good for the earth if everyone tried to do that...but...

I see there are lots of apartment complexes that try to create a sense of community for their residents. That might be a really nice compromise, having your own apartment for solitude and having community places close by for hanging out when you feel like being around people.

I don't miss the noise and smoke level of dormitory life, but I do very much miss the way you could walk down the halls at any time of day or night and encounter someone to converse with.

[HannaWyLady]

Yup - especially this time of year when everyone seems to be a pair or part of a family. It's rough - I'd love to be part of a pair - but then again I need my own space alone in my house. I hate having someone underfoot but yet I want them there. Geesh! I don't have any family at all - my brother is married and lives overseas and has no kids and doesn't keep in contact with anyone and my mom is in her 80's and doesn't want to have anything to do with me and my asexual lifestyle. Once the holidays are over I can deal with and love being alone - as far as going places by myself I like it - I can come and go as I please and I tend to just walk up to other "tourists" and start chatting and sharing the places we are at the moment. Then I go on alone.

[Busrider]

I totally agree about your travelling experience. My travell drive is below zero now. (I'm single, poor, aromantic). It's also been ages since I went to the theatre or movies. I'm a stay at home person now and widely agree with Ziffler.

Eating out: I get along with fastfood. And I have one friend I can (the problem there is just me) occasionally date for dinner at a real restaurant.

I need friends to drag me out and get me going. Luckily I still have some.

[Busrider]

I forgot to mention: Ignoring the hollidays is easy to me. Usually some friends will pop up and cry about their lonelyness-trouble at my shoulder. I will visit my parents twice and am just so happy that there 's no more GF who drags me towards them oneday inlaws.

I'd love to live the meeting point accomodation model with somebody. My room, her room our kittchen and a computernetwork suitable to write IMs or show where one is surfing right now... - Great. But having her TV interfere with my book or being called down to comment on some ebay offering, being criticised for eating in front of the monitor isn't what makes me happy. Yes, living at the same dorm must be great.

[SolonOH]

I’m finding I can relate to the threads in the older asexuals forum more than some of the others, and this one is a good example. There are too many things you all have said for me to quote so I’ll just nod my head and say ditto.

For myself, my work has been great therapy. I am required to travel extensively, eat out alone, go to cities, be somewhat social so I can empathize and effectively train the people with whom I work. All things a natural introvert as myself would not normally do. But hey, they are paying me for it! But isn’t that terrible? I sometimes think the only time I’m acting like a normal human being is when someone is paying me. To make matters worse, I resent my work because it takes me away from the personal sanctuary I have created around home. On the other hand, the job has become a convenient excuse for me to indulge myself in perfect solitude when I am home. No one questions my cooking for myself or disappearing in the wilderness, gee poor guy just needs a break after all the stress…

Alas, I long for a companion to share life with as well. But is seems I have done such a good job creating my comfortable environment around me that it is hard to let someone in, or even find someone who would find it agreeable. So it comes down to the classic struggle of dealing with change, will I be happier continuing as I am alone or changing my lifestyle to one more socially acceptable? For now I’m not going to question it, I’m just going to be myself.

[Pete78]

...

[Pete78]

Don't usually post (just lurk), but I had an experience somewhat similar to that DWB had and wanted to chime in. Last summer, I took a trip by myself to a park in the American Southwest. I absolutely love the outdoors, and don't find that many people in my circle of friends or my family in enjoy it the way or to the extent that I do. So I figured, why not take a trip and just enjoy what's out there... rather than drag somebody along and compromise throughout. I don't need to be surrounded by people on a day to day basis, so I didn't figure it would be a problem.

Maybe I'm just not there yet in terms of being comfortable with solitude, but there were moments when being alone (with the background voices of my mind telling me that it will always be this way) simply struck me down inside. Not when I was truly alone, but when there were groups or pairs of people within a short distance. I just kept feeling that the occassional person viewed me as some sort of sad oddity. The most awkward moment was when I was on a beautiful, but somewhat popular hike. I was taking in a senic viewpoint with others nearby and everyone was snapping photos. A woman in a small group walked up to me and with some combination of pity/confusion in her voice politely asked if I would like to have her take a picture of me. I refused, but just felt the urge to get out of there as fast as possible. I normally don't mind being alone, but on a vacation and thinking heavily about the ramifications of not enjoying sex... it was different.

Finally, I know there are no age minimums here, but being just short of 30, "older" is a stretch for me. Just thought I'd comment that browsing through these threads, I find that I can relate a bit more to much of what was said. It seems here there's a bit more honesty in feelings and experiences, which is obviously nice.

[Placebo]

Not when I was truly alone, but when there were groups or pairs of people within a short distance. I just kept feeling that the occassional person viewed me as some sort of sad oddity.

Ooh, I relate to that. I love being totally alone, with no other people around, and I actually really like being in groups of people or with friends a lot of the time, but I hate being alone when there are other people around. I hate the pitying looks I get, it makes me feel defensive.

I'm OK with fast food restuarants, movie theaters and shopping, but I definitely don't like going to parties or various social gatherings by myself, especially if I don't know the others there. And travelling is so much more fun with others!

[SolonOH]

Maybe I'm just not there yet in terms of being comfortable with solitude, but there were moments when being alone (with the background voices of my mind telling me that it will always be this way) simply struck me down inside. Not when I was truly alone, but when there were groups or pairs of people within a short distance. I just kept feeling that the occassional person viewed me as some sort of sad oddity. The most awkward moment was when I was on a beautiful, but somewhat popular hike. I was taking in a senic viewpoint with others nearby and everyone was snapping photos. A woman in a small group walked up to me and with some combination of pity/confusion in her voice politely asked if I would like to have her take a picture of me. I refused, but just felt the urge to get out of there as fast as possible. I normally don't mind being alone, but on a vacation and thinking heavily about the ramifications of not enjoying sex... it was different.

I hope this does not come off as callous Pete78, but that is why solitude is best enjoyed alone! I feel the same when ‘alone in public’, sense the sidelong glances, the distancing from some or pitying from others. I sometimes find myself more offended than uncomfortable by it, especially when people act like there is something wrong with me, or wrong me being alone.

It wasn’t easy to break away from the crowd, but I’ve found a whole fantastic new world, both metaphorical and actual, following the path less traveled. The people I find on these paths tend to be there for the same reason, whether alone or not, and respect rather than question you. What finally made me comfortable with being alone was the realization of the opportunity it opened up. Freedom with travel, adventure, and even some risks I’d never take if someone else were counting on me. Maybe it is just a substitute for lack of a companion, but I am finding I value the experiences it has afforded me!

[Ziffler]

Not when I was truly alone, but when there were groups or pairs of people within a short distance. I just kept feeling that the occassional person viewed me as some sort of sad oddity

I never feel this. I don't know if it don't happen around me, or most likely, I am oblivious to it. I tend to be oblivious to things around me unless it it brought to my attention. I guess that comes with living and doing things alone for such a long time. I just don't pay much attention to the people around me and what they are doing or thinking.

In 1995 I took an 11 day trip to Isreal. I took along a camcorder and filmed everything with dialogue. Everywhere we went I stood off to the side and did my own thing. Listening to the tour director while filming and repeating commentatary as he spoke. I would be so into what I was doing that several times the tour director would say, "Spielburg time to go". Didn't bother me a bit. I paid a huge sum of money for the trip and it was a place I longed to see, so I did my own thing, trying as much as possible not to interfere with the others from enjoying their trip, but still enjoying mine.

But really. I have no idea what they thought about me, being on the trip by myself. It didnt matter to me.

So I figured, why not take a trip and just enjoy what's out there... rather than drag somebody along and compromise throughout.

I relate. Boy do I relate.

That is the one thing I hate most about someone going along with me on a trip or me taking an organized tour, COMPROMISE. We went to Masada. There are two ways to the top of Masada. Cable car or hiking trail. I hate heights and I love hiking. I so wanted to hike up, but no, the tour guide made me take the cable car. If I had been alone, I would have hiked up to the top. Compromise.

Even some simple trip to the mall or theater with another person, usually means compromise. The plave you would like to eat lunch, isnt the place they want to eat lunch. I'm an introvert so I always compromise to what the other person wants, instead of holding my ground and making them compromise to me. Now I enjoy eating, and it really doesn't matter what restaurant we eat at, I like them all. lol. It's just the fact that I had to compromise to someone else, whwere if I had been alone, I would have went where I wanted to go, when I wanted to go, not when they decided it was time. Because thats another irksome point with me. I am always early. If I am not early I consider it being late. Most people around me wait until the last possible minute to leave. I hate that. When alone I leave when I want to leave and go when I want to go.

It is nice having someone with me to share in the experience, but it also takes away from the experience when they are there. (For me)

[roddy9uk]

There is an expression I came across a long time ago..can't recall where but it is probably a quote from a poem.."In the company of strangers". Strangers (or relative strangers) can satisfy one's need for "company" without intruding on a need for solitude.

Maybe being English affects my thinking on this because on an English "coach tour" (or similar) no one would ever assume that what THEY want should affect what anyone else would want. From what i have seen of American groups (for instance). or groups of Japanese tourists, this does NOT seem to be the case. With those once part of the group you seem to be required to BE "part of the group" (I hope all this makes sense).

The closer the friendships become the more one has to compromise. That is what being "friends" as opposed to "acquaintances" is all about, surely. Partners, lovers, soul-mates, call it what you will just takes this stage further. I think there are times when everyone, no matter how satisfied they are with their own company, requires the company of others even if that "company" is just a cyber one (or else why should boards such as this exist and thrive?).

roddy