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Proud Not To Have Children


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A positive aspect of my asexuality. I am someone who should DEFINITELY not breed. I wish more people would think before having babies. Too many unfit people out there.

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Oh so very true. I wouldn't say I'm 'proud' of not having kids, but I'm not ashamed either. I don't like spending time with kids. I'm great with them, but I can only really enjoy their company for ten minutes, and after that I'm faking it for their sake. That works fine for a few hours of babysitting, but if it was all the time? I'd slip, the kid would realize I resent the hell out of them, and then they'd have to live with that. That's not fair at all, to force a human being to live with some one who doesn't like them and they know it. 

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3 minutes ago, sallimae76 said:

Too many people out there.

FTFY

 

I don't see why every aspect of one's personality and/or life choices has to be a matter of "pride". Also, there are loads of sexual folks without children out there, just like there are asexual people with children.

 

Your point may make you happy, but not much sense is being made.

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MsSelfDestruct

There's people who are definitely proud not to have kids. I used to be a part of a childfree livejournal acc back in the day and women would brag about their abortions and treat it like a grand achievement even as a person who believes women should have their right to their reproductive systems, it disturbed me. Anyway I have the same stance as Homer mentioned above.

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There's a good chance I would pass on one of my many mental illnesses onto them and plus they would have to deal with me. I wouldn't wish that on any child.

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Janus the Fox

Growing up in a poor area and sharing classes with what would be Special Needs, trying to reconnect with old school aquatints, many of which have had a string of kids early, having themselves teenagers who are themselves having kids, making who I knew in school Grandparents at the grand age of 31 who also have never worked and on full state assistance, I think I’m just a bit grateful that I don’t have the interest in raising children.

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Anthracite_Impreza

I'm not proud of not having kids, not ashamed either, but I absolutely would never have any (including adoption). The idea of looking after a human is (ironically) so alien to me I can't even comprehend it, and I am - mentally - still basically a slightly more knowledgable teenager myself.

 

Now snail babies, yes. I like snail babies.

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I'm super glad I don't have kids. I'm not really child friendly. I don't have the patience, the tolerance, or the caring/nurturing nature of someone that SHOULD have kids. But I've known this since I was young. I'm not good with kids, therefore, I shouldn't have them. 

 

I think more people should really think about the full consequences, trials, and tribulations that go with properly raising a child before having one. 

 

But I'm glad that, being asexual, having kids isn't something I'm worried about either. I'm proud not to have kids and I'm proud that I never will have kids. 

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Proud isn't the word I'd use. It's more that I realised from a young age that I have zero paternal instincts. So asexuality, and the fact that the sperm factories weren't built according to plan, have simply combined to ensure that I didn't end up in a situation that would have caused grief for everyone 

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Phantasmal Fingers
On 8/13/2020 at 4:17 AM, Homer said:

I don't see why every aspect of one's personality and/or life choices has to be a matter of "pride".

If I were proud of being me I would be ashamed of being you. Any respect I claimed I had for you would be fake.

 

On the other hand, if I respect myself for being me, I can respect you for being you. I'll automatically respect you as well - whether or not you ask me to - if I think you've earned it. And I won't need to be ashamed of myself for doing so. 

 

I haven't had children simply because I wasn't prepared to live the way I would have had to live, and make the sacrifices and compromises I think I would have needed to make, in order to do so. I agree with @Homer in the sense that I don't really see this as having anything necessarily to do with pride - or shame. 

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2 hours ago, Real Jazz Hands said:

If I were proud of being me I would be ashamed of being you.

I don't think that this necessarily follows.

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Phantasmal Fingers
11 minutes ago, Homer said:

I don't think that this necessarily follows.

True, I suppose. But what if you and I are mutually exclusive and we disagree about something important? 

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20 minutes ago, Real Jazz Hands said:

True, I suppose. But what if you and I are mutually exclusive and we disagree about something important? 

I don't see the connection to pride and shame tbh.

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I don't see the point in being proud of a default state, it's not like I put any effort into not having kids. It's no great achievement, what is there to be proud of? But I agree that too many people have children.

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everywhere and nowhere

I'm definitely happy not to have children. I have never ever wanted to, not even for a minute. I made the decision when I first learned, at the age of five (from a book, self-read by the way - I received hardly any sex ed apart from being allowed / able to read some books about sex-related issues), how does human reproduction work. I immediately decided: NO WAY I'd let my body be torn open, no way I'd go through such things. Never. I would honestly rather die.

Paradoxically, I don't really feel proud of not having children. Happy - by all means, and always willing to defend my choices. I rather feel proud to know better. People who believe that every single woman is a mechanism which will always work the same have been telling me that I'd want to have children at some point, that I'd regret... Now I'm almost 40 years old and, as I wrote, I have never felt any desire to have children. Such people love the idea of a "biological clock" - I don't think I have one. I mean - sure, I menstruate, but as a person who doesn't intend to have sex or to reproduce at any point in my life I don't recall having ever become aware of the phase of ovulation. No noticeable signs.

I feel more proud about being a spinster and having never had sex - because in this case the pressure is stronger, I feel that these choices are much more stigmatised than not having children. Well, in case of spinsterhood - single people are becoming much more visible, but at what price? For example at the price of compulsory sexuality (and compulsory acceptance of sex without love - and really, people can after all have whatever views they want to, but there are people who would never have sex without having first formed a committed relationship) - the stereotypical image of a "single" necessarily includes casual sex. Because of this I always distance myself from the idea of a "single", I say instead that I'm a proud spinster or an Independent Woman. (Even more semantically dense in Polish because it has two basic equivalents of English independent - niezależna and niepodległa. The latter is almost always used in the context of national independence, so using it to refer to a woman's freedom from marriage and subordination has a subversive dimension.)

I am also proud of having never had sex because of the way sex is perceived as Obvious, selbst-verständlich (by all means I know it's spelled without a hyphen, but I needed to highlight the word's structure. I think that some of my tendency for hyphenation comes from... the Polish romantic poet Cyprian Kamil Norwid, a very separate, very dense and very intellectual poet, who often connected or divided words with hyphens), and never having sex - as Unthinkable. Even if for me never having sex is, really, the only choice I can really consider possible because of my sex aversion, as a person living in this culture I still think of the choice to never have sex as act-ive resistance.
 

Spoiler

 

Yes, I realise that my perception of certain life choices is political to an absolutely exaggerated degree from most people's point of view. But this is just how I am. Maybe I'll quote a recent diary entry which can explain it a little.

Quote

[3 VIII 2020]

The panpolitical feeling reverses the vector of politics. Personal is political, my private life choices have their political significance and dimension - while in the experience of the panpolitical, the political becomes personal, even intimately close. It, anyway, doesn't happen by itself, requires a tendency to a certain mode of experience, to an intense experience of events seemingly unconnected to myself. Unconnected? Since I live, since I experience, it is all potentially connected to myself, because everything can elicit a response in my thoughtfeeling, also events categorised as "political", and therefore in common understanding devoid of an "emotional" dimension, can be experienced as deeply personal, as an adequate wave hitting the fibre [the quote alludes to an early text by the modernist queer poet Maria Komornicka], thereby emitting a vibration - a resonance - a consonance of the "external" and "internal" world...

 

 

 

 

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I don't think I should breed either but my family is pro life and completely brain dead so they don't believe in me choosing to get sterilized because to them its nothing more then a free pass for sex ...

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If I may, I think we ought to get rid of the word "spinster" because of its past negative connotations of a woman who simply sat around and wasted away because she was "miserable" for not fulfilling society's obligations of marriage and motherhood. Single woman is fine for me. :) All too happy to flout society's expectations. 

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I've discussed the 'breeders' in my village beforehand. Having large numbers of children is something I can't grasp. 

 

I knew in my early 20s that I wasn't interested in fathering children, even though I thought I was straight. That being said, I feel no pride in not having children, to me it's like my asexuality, it's just part of my identity.

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I wouldn't say I'm proud of not having kids, but I know I definately don't want them.  I love kids, but I just don't want my own.  My friends and I have basically decided that l will basically be a fun aunt to all of their kids whenever they decide to have them.

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WanderingKate

I agree with a lot of you guys here...pride would be a strong word, I don't view childlessness as an accomplishment...nor do I view having children an accomplishment. (Being a good parent I would absolutely view as something to be proud, but simply having versus not having children isn't an accomplishment in itself in my books). I don't see myself ever having children for so very many reasons...I find young kids really overwhelming, and I don't have the energy to keep up with them being #1. I also work long hours and end up being out of the house 10+ hours most days, so unless I had a partner or cut back my hours I don't see raising a kid by myself as feasible, neither of which I'm looking to do right now. I'm still only in my mid-twenties and realize I could change my mind someday, but as of now I just don't see myself having kids. I don't think I'd have the time and energy to devote to a kid that a child obviously needs, and I would never have a kid just to have a kid...unless I knew I could give a kid a good life it's absolutely out of the question for me. 

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45 minutes ago, WanderingKate said:

I agree with a lot of you guys here...pride would be a strong word, I don't view childlessness as an accomplishment...nor do I view having children an accomplishment. (Being a good parent I would absolutely view as something to be proud, but simply having versus not having children isn't an accomplishment in itself in my books). I don't see myself ever having children for so very many reasons...I find young kids really overwhelming, and I don't have the energy to keep up with them being #1. I also work long hours and end up being out of the house 10+ hours most days, so unless I had a partner or cut back my hours I don't see raising a kid by myself as feasible, neither of which I'm looking to do right now. I'm still only in my mid-twenties and realize I could change my mind someday, but as of now I just don't see myself having kids. I don't think I'd have the time and energy to devote to a kid that a child obviously needs, and I would never have a kid just to have a kid...unless I knew I could give a kid a good life it's absolutely out of the question for me. 

EXACTLY!

 

I've posted elsewhere about having large numbers of kids in this day and age. 

 

I've seen 'breeder' defined like this: 

Quote
INFORMALDEROGATORY
(among homosexuals) a heterosexual person.

It may have started among homosexuals in referring to heterosexuals with children, but I can't see why it couldn't be used by 'anyone' to describe people with a hoard of unruly children. I know I've used it to describe the parents of these families.

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I have cats. That's the furthest my mothering instincts extend. I don't like kids, I don't want them, I have no shame in admitting I don't have and don't want them... but I wouldn't say I'm proud about it as if it was really a conscious effort or sacrifice. It is just a thing that is not in my life because it's not for me. I think of it more like how eggs that have runny yolks are things that are not in my life because they're not for me. 

 

But I will admit I was proud that when I was told by my doctor that I'm almost 100% certainty incapable of getting pregnant, I gave her the unique experience of being met with great joy and relief rather than horror and disappointment. 

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On 8/13/2020 at 4:10 AM, sallimae76 said:

A positive aspect of my asexuality. I am someone who should DEFINITELY not breed. I wish more people would think before having babies. Too many unfit people out there.

My thoughts exactly. I knew from an early age I was not going to have children and I've never changed my mind: Not a single day goes by without witnessing over-stressed parents - I've never wanted to be like them. Parenthood is not for everyone and this planet is overpopulated.

I'm not sure I'd use the word "proud" for my childless status, however, as a woman, I'm definitely proud of myself for not giving in to social pressure regarding marriage and procreation.

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8 hours ago, BlueAce said:

My thoughts exactly. I knew from an early age I was not going to have children and I've never changed my mind: Not a single day goes by without witnessing over-stressed parents - I've never wanted to be like them. Parenthood is not for everyone and this planet is overpopulated.

I'm not sure I'd use the word "proud" for my childless status, however, as a woman, I'm definitely proud of myself for not giving in to social pressure regarding marriage and procreation.

I wonder if this is brought on by this?

 

Quote
hel·i·cop·ter par·ent
 
noun
INFORMAL
plural noun: helicopter parents
  1. a parent who takes an overprotective or excessive interest in the life of their child or children.
    "some college officials see all this as the behavior of an overindulged generation, raised by helicopter parents and lacking in resilience"

Then there are the 'parents that lack any skills, parenting or social and let their little demon spawn run amok in stores, restaurants, you name it...'

As a co-worker and I once agreed on when talking about a bad child welfare episode in my hometown, 
Spoiler

Making a baby is too easy, even the dumbest fucks can do it unfortunately...

 

 
 
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There should be a test for people who want to reproduce. I was training to be a teacher (primary ie little'uns) and worked in child care.... A LOT of those parents shouldn't' have had kids. A LOT. It's just so upsetting. The planet is over populated enough as it is, the last thing it needs is more humans. I'm sure I've told this story before, but I'm telling it again;

I had a smear test/pelvic exam/pap smear test at the Dr's and the woman performing it (may have been nurse/family planing unsure) said to me 'This will be a lot easier once you have kids'. 'I don't want kids' I said. I was in my twenties and figured I knew what I was talking about in relation to my OWN BODY. 'You'll change your mind' she said smugly. 'I have no interest in children. I don't particularly like them.' I said. Bear in mind this idiot has a metal speculum somewhere I'd rather not think about. 'But what if you meet a beautiful man and you'd have beautiful babies together?' 

I was livid. It's none of her business what I do. It's not her place to question my decisions and it is incredibly irresponsible to encourage people to have kids just on the off chance they might be cute. I couldn't say anything due to said speculum, but I could have spit pins. I stupidly never complained afterwards as I was too angry to talk. We should be encouraging people NOT to have kids. It's not a blase, spur of the moment choice that people seem to think it is.

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14 minutes ago, Lisa Smith said:

There should be a test for people who want to reproduce. I was training to be a teacher (primary ie little'uns) and worked in child care.... A LOT of those parents shouldn't' have had kids. A LOT. It's just so upsetting. The planet is over populated enough as it is, the last thing it needs is more humans.

EXACTLY!

 

I see that in my village. It's really sad. Here it's like it's musical beds. It seems like nobody gets married or sticks it out any more. Girls in the 20s or 30s with two or three children living with a guy and he's not a father of any of them.

 

That is my reasoning for my hate of the families that the number of children they've made is that there is NO justification for 13 frigging kids. Send the girls off to 'bridal'/Bible college and hope they find a guy.

 

I'm pretty sure none of the children in the family that I reference to have gone to 'proper' post secondary school. When the boys started getting older and could drive, the father started a small contracting business.The younger boys cut grass. Yes they'll be employed but I'm sure they'll be living a life just over the poverty line...

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I see a lot of arguing over pride and shame connected to having children. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be proud of the fact that you know yourself well enough to know you wouldn’t make a good parent, and choose not to be one. This is being a mature, responsible adult, and society needs to stop treating people, women especially, like they don’t have the right to make that decision for themselves.

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  • 4 weeks later...

child free here too! Have any of you been on this website called ADMNT? its pretty interesting. I had a tubal ligation as not only am i not interested in having kids I'm occasionally intimate with my partner. He ended up getting me pregnant and that was one of the most terrifying experiences I've ever had. He had a vasectomy but it didn't take obviously and he was too lazy to get checked as to why and he cant do it again because he doesn't have insurance anymore....😡 

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asexual-up-my-sleeve
On 8/12/2020 at 8:14 PM, Scottthespy said:

Oh so very true. I wouldn't say I'm 'proud' of not having kids, but I'm not ashamed either. I don't like spending time with kids. I'm great with them, but I can only really enjoy their company for ten minutes, and after that I'm faking it for their sake. That works fine for a few hours of babysitting, but if it was all the time? I'd slip, the kid would realize I resent the hell out of them, and then they'd have to live with that. That's not fair at all, to force a human being to live with some one who doesn't like them and they know it. 

Totally agree with you. I just have no interest in kids. And I'm a bit young to make those sort of decisions, and maybe I'll change my mind someday, but for now.. noooo thank you. Too much work and commitment and yeah, I'd mess up. Raising a kid and being responsible for everything they do and become is a friggen enormous responsibility. 

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