Jump to content

Reviewing my past...


AceQuestioning

Recommended Posts

AceQuestioning

Over the past couple years I've been revisiting the possibility of being asexual. I happened on the term and something struck me. Recently it has become more important to me to find out. Here is my story.

 

I am a 53 YO cis woman and have been married for 28 years to a 58 YO cis male. I have two children. Over half of my married life has not been a positive experience and the issues all centered around sex and fidelity.

 

I either has a serious detachment disorder or I'm asexual. That's pretty much what it comes down to.

 

I first had sex at 17, with my fiance'. We were watching some porn (which I now cannot stomach) and it made us want to have our first sexual encounter, with each other and with anyone. We did. I was perplexed. I got up and looked in the mirror, desperately looking for that "glow" everyone says you get after your first time having sex. I saw nothing. The reason I was so perplexed? I enjoyed nothing about it. I also didn't have an orgasm.

 

I've had many "intimate" relationships since then and have never gotten anything out of sex, particularly the O. In looking back, I think I initiated a lot of physical relationships as a means of getting guys to like me. I never got any enjoyment from sex. And now I'm thinking my attraction was not sexual either, that it was maybe romantic or intellectual or sensual. 

 

After so many meh encounters I was sure there was something wrong with me. I was too uptight. Later, after starting depression meds, I thought they hindered me. But I never enjoyed sex before I took them. But not enjoying sex is not the definition of asexual.

 

Right now I'm trying to recall all my physical relationships to try to recall the attraction(s). Why did I lead with sex when it was never enjoyable?? Why did I lead with sex period? Was I ace all along and just didn't know it? Did I mistake romantic or sensual or intellectual attraction for sexual? I'm going to need some time remembering and answering these questions because understanding my motivation is important to me.

 

The current urgency is my marriage is a total mess and I'm trying to understand why. Today I am totally sex repulsed, like I've done it "anyway" so long and I can't take it anymore. But I worry it's just the relationship with my husband that is messy and makes me feel repulsed, not who I am. Part of me thinks he will feel better about himself if he knows it's truly me, not him. Part of me thinks he will believe I'm making excuses for myself so I don't have to take responsibility for being a bad partner.  Either way, I appreciate any feedback about similar experiences.

 

I've had deeply meaningful and loving relationships that I can say with certainty were not based on sexual attraction. As I type this it is becoming clearer that none of the best ones were. I just don't understand why I believed giving sex was the way to get boys to like me. (This is all reflection BTW; I didn't recognize this behavior while I was doing it.) 

Link to post
Share on other sites

@AceQuestioning, welcome to AVEN 🎂 🎂 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Caroline1972

I’ve spent all my life giving men sex because I thought I had to or they deserved it for paying me some attention x I never enjoyed it and since identifying as asexual I’ve decided never to do anything sexual again and I feel relief. When I told my then partner what was wrong he gave me a date rape drug and took what he wanted anyway so now I’m single and staying that way. I think that if you’re even considering that your asexual that should tell you something or so I’ve read and if finding out it’s you will help your husband I’m not sure but it will help you xxxxx

Link to post
Share on other sites

Your story is very similar-sounding to mine, @AceQuestioning, excepting the antidepressants (although I’ve taken other medications over the years that may affect libido).  I haven’t really determined if I am ace or not but I’ve been mulling over a lot of the same experiences and questions.

 

Welcome!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

I understand what you are going through, looking at your past, trying to recall if you wanted sex or not.  I’m in the same boat.  So, how does one actually figure this out?   Is there more of a definitive way?  I just learned about Asexuality in the last year and I’m 48.  
thanks to everyone who shares.  It helps.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...