Gender-invalidating myself; help needed!

[e. alexi]

 

Hi! I'm a AFAB, 16 years old and currently identifying myself as a genderfluid person. I'm really invalidating myself and I need some answers about some questions I have on my head. So, I'll start telling a bit about myself so you who's reading can... see if you can help me.

Since I was young, I always kinda got “uncomfortable” about being all girly but I never questioned that because of my parents (they’re very conservative and religious). Not that I’m not fine being called a girl/woman/feminine pronouns; I don’t have dysphoria over it. I’ve always wanted to have a more flat chest and have a “boy haircut”, that’s all. My body is fine (the “cis” thing, I’m unconfident about how my body looks only). And I get uncomfortable when my parents tell me I can’t because “I will look like a boy”. That’s when I get uncomfortable; not being able to be myself.

I’m fine going by any pronouns when people call me. My first language isn’t english, and it has a really binary vocabulary (almost every word is gendered (female and male)). I feel sometimes weird calling myself with other pronouns, but I think that’s because I was raised as a female and to never question. It’s kind of a... shock of realities? I’m trying to be more open about pronouns and I’m liking it, even though I almost always rely on feminine pronouns. When I’m with others, I don’t keep questioning about my gender. But sometimes I slip and call myself as masculine or neutral pronouns instead of feminines.

When I think about being in a relationship, I’m fine being called as a woman. But it makes me uncomfortable to lie that I’m cis.

My given name never felt right to me, too. Kind of wrong, if that changes something. Online, I always use “codenames”, and those names feel... right to me (I’m using Ashwin now, and I love it!).

About how I identify, that’s a little bit strange. I feel, yes, connected somehow to my assigned gender. Most of the time. And sometimes just a little. But there’s a part of me that is just nothing/neutral or a masculine-but-not-male. Or there are days that I just hide from myself and don’t want to question my gender and feel bad about myself the whole day.

I’m really tired of all those questions inside my head. And my brain making me invalidate myself over and over again. It’s really tiring.

What am I? Am I normal? Am I just trying to fit into something? Am I just seeking for attention?

Can you guys help me, please? I can’t rest until I’m done with those questions in my head.

(I’m sorry that I wrote so much and I’m sorry if it’s confusing to read!)

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hii.

The good news is you're not alone, and there's others that struggle with their gender identity (including me), and there's things that help, though at the same time there's never a perfect answer. It's always about trying to discover what can help your own case. You're normal as far as trans circles go, especially non-binary, since it's even less of a clear thing.

I'm a little bit genderfluid myself, and that combined with society's conditioning, and ingrained feelings, and my having trouble to feel free to explore and be myself makes it tiring as well. I've had to learn to put things aside, not think too far into the future, and go step by step, trying to value the progress I make instead of focusing on what all seems to not make sense yet or feel like I want (I don't feel I'm totally great with that yet.)

It's not always easy, but it does get better, and for some it gets a lot better once they have breakthroughs or are able to step into the role(s) they want in society more.
Give yourself time, be good to yourself, and you can keep exploring and also talking to people who can understand (like some people on this site)

Not everyone in your life will understand, and not everyone will use your preferred pronouns, etc, but some will, and it can be worth exploring a bit more socially with those if it feels good, and try your best to be true to yourself in general but knowing that it's about you and not what others think. Often what some genderfluid like is going with the set of pronouns that feels best, (there's also 'they' for gender neutral), or to wonder if you want people to use the ones that fit with your presentation. Again though, sometimes it's a bit much to ask people to change them everytime you change gender, but still some friends who care might, and you can see how it feels if they do. I'm french myself, and everything is gendered. I get it can be annoying. Though it can also be validating when you start using the genders you like for yourself. And as for relationships, yeah it's better to be honest about how we are with our partners.

But remember not to put pressure on yourself regarding it all, and give yourself time

[e. alexi]

On 6/2/2020 at 8:00 AM, MarkZ said:

 

 

16 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hii.

The good news is you're not alone, and there's others that struggle with their gender identity (including me), and there's things that help, though at the same time there's never a perfect answer. It's always about trying to discover what can help your own case. You're normal as far as trans circles go, especially non-binary, since it's even less of a clear thing.

I'm a little bit genderfluid myself, and that combined with society's conditioning and my having trouble to feel free to explore and be myself makes it tiring as well. I've had to learn to put things aside, not think too far into the future, and go step by step, trying to value the progress I make instead of focusing on what all seems to not make sense yet or feel like I want (I don't feel I'm totally great with that yet.)

It's not always easy, but it does get better, and for some it gets a lot better once they have breakthroughs or are able to step into the role(s) they want in society more.
Give yourself time, be good to yourself, and you can keep exploring and also talking to people who can understand (like some people on this site)

Not everyone in your life will understand, and not everyone will use your preferred pronouns, etc, but some will, and it can be worth exploring a bit more socially with those, and try your best to be true to yourself in general but knowing that it's about you and not what others think. Often what some genderfluid like is going with the set of pronouns that feels best, (there's also 'they' for gender neutral), or to wonder if you want people to use the ones that fit with your presentation. Again though, sometimes it's a bit much to ask people to change them everytime you change gender, but still some friends who care might, and you can see how it feels if they do.

But remember not to put pressure on yourself regarding it all, and give yourself time

Thank you so much! You're so kind! I'll try to take smalls steps and figure out what best suits me!

 

Again, thank you!

[Karekare]

Hello

 

I'm ftm, and I can't say I've been through many of those experiences. As a trans person in the fully male binary who suffers from a lot of dysphoria, I've always been uncomfortable until I started living life as male and medically transitioning

 

My romantic partner however, does have very very similar experiences to you. Xe has no problem being referred to by xyr birth pronouns, or gendered language, and doesn't feel any dysphoria, but still just knows that xe isn't cis and doesn't exist in the gender binary. Xe calls xyrself "genderqueer" because it's a catch all for "I have no idea what I am but I know I'm not cis" lol. 

 

Not sure if you'd ever want to use or look into that label, but I brought it up just in case

[Alex 🏳️🌈]

I feel the same way and just want to say your not alone I do chest binding and want really badly to cut my hair short but also I want to wear a binder have short hair but then wear a dress and makeup at the same time it’s ok to not fit into a category as long as your you