Should I keep dating? (aro/ace confused)

[carimarie]

Hello!

I'm new here! So far from what I've read, this community seems very accepting and I'm glad to have discovered it! Hopefully this isn’t too long or convoluted. There is a TLDR at the end if it’s too much.

 

Some backstory: I first questioned my sexual identity about 5 years ago, but shrugged it off for a while and focused on my career, friends, and family. I've subconsciously identified with being demisexual since then, but honestly don't know and am thinking it might be more complicated than that. I've never been in a relationship before, though I've had crushes when I was a teenager. Whenever someone else reciprocated feelings, I would always lose any kind of romantic interest over the idea of having to do romantic things with them (kissing, holding hands, sex obvi). I thought I was just a confused hormonal teen back then, but as I carry very similar feelings as an adult, minus having crushes, I don't think it was just adolescence.

 

However, over the years as an adult, the societal pressures of being in a relationship, or at least pursuing one, and occasional fears of eternal loneliness, have brought me to try dating/dating apps.  I've hated the idea for a long time, because I've always felt I couldn't be romantically/sexually interested in someone who I wasn't already comfortable being around. Yet, I kept telling myself it's good to try new things and face adversity in pursuit of self-discovery and growth.  So I’ve been off and on trying to go on dates. I do hate it, but have learned some things since then - I haven't been romantically or sexually interested in anyone I've dated so far, though there haven't been that many people. I've also found the more intimate and romantic the other person becomes towards me in general, the more uncomfortable I become. I can’t tell if it’s repulsion or just my general anxiety acting up. I've thought well maybe I'd feel differently if I were attracted to them more, but what even is attraction?  I'm worried that in reality I'd never feel that way towards anyone, and that when I was younger my crushes were simply aesthetic attraction rather than romantic or sexual.

 

Another qualm of dating the masses (people who are generally sexually and romantically normative), is that I'm being misleading or inconsiderate - yet I don't know myself enough to identify with and proclaim myself as anything, especially to strangers.  I do want a relationship, or a partnership, but all the romantic and intimate things that come along with it make it very uncomfortable to pursue.  I've also thought dating someone who was asexual or on the spectrum would be so much easier, just didn't think that was probable. Every time I try to date or talk to guys it just ends up in me feeling anxious for not having the same feelings as the other.. I don't know if I'm just torturing myself to pursue an impossible normal romance, or still learning about myself with reasonable prospects. 

 

TLDR; My track record so far is no sexual attraction to anyone, very limited romantic attraction to anyone, none recently. Dating feels stressful and foreign because the intention behind it feels kind of disingenuous to me. I have interest in guys, but probably not in the same way they do, but I try just to see and I do want a relationship/partnership eventually. Do I keep dating to help me figure myself out even if it gives me a ton of anxiety and feels potentially inconsiderate?  How does one figure out their sexual and romantic orientation otherwise?  Would therapy/counseling be better alternative?

 

Any thoughts on this would be appreciated! 

[Homer]

I think that the experience you gather by going on dates you don't want to have is going to have a highly negative impact on the results. Kind of the same as with fold that you don't like - you won't suddenly like it if you just try it often enough.

 

Dating just for the sake of dating isn't fair to anyone involved.

 

Also, you don't have to proclaim yourself as anything. "I'm not interested in XYZ" covers all the bases

[Gifted With Singleness]

You don't have to date anyone. Ever.

 

If you have a hard time believing that, here's my advice: Just keep repeating that to yourself until it really sinks in. You don't have to date. You don't have to date. You don't have to date. Recognize that going your entire life without ever going on a single date is a perfectly legitimate option. Allow yourself to be single. Take some time to free your mind of these anxieties you're having. Allow your mind to settle, and focus on other things. Go for a walk. Watch some TV. Hang out with some friends. Just live your life doing the things that you want to do, and embrace the freedom you have. Then, once you've done that for a while, ask yourself a question: Do you want to date? You don't have to; it's purely up to you. Do you still want to date, or are you content with the way things are?

 

I was once like you, feeling like I had to date due to social pressure. But once I took a step back and allowed myself to make a free choice, I realized that I wasn't really interested in anyone in that way. I'm happy being single, and if I have friends to keep me company, then everything's going to be okay. I haven't looked back.

[carimarie]

1 hour ago, Homer said:

I think that the ecperience you gather by going on dates you don't want to have is going to have a highly negative impact on the results. Kind of the same as with fold that you don't like - you won't suddenly like it if you just try it often enough.

 

Dating just for the sake of dating isn't fair to anyone involved.

 

Also, you don't habe to proclaim yourself as anything. "I'm not interested in XYZ" covers all the bases

I kind of get what you're saying, but also maybe I didn't express that the main point of it is not to suddenly enjoy dating - I wont ever. Rather, it's for the purpose and hopes of finding a partner and understanding if i'm capable of certain feelings? Also I absolutely don't want to date for the sake of dating - 10/10 worst idea ever, I agree it does not benefit anyone. If I could skip the process of dating and just have a permanent life partner that would be perfect. 

[carimarie]

1 hour ago, GiftedWithSingleness said:

You don't have to date anyone. Ever.

 

If you have a hard time believing that, here's my advice: Just keep repeating that to yourself until it really sinks in. You don't have to date. You don't have to date. You don't have to date. Recognize that going your entire life without ever going on a single date is a perfectly legitimate option. Allow yourself to be single. Take some time to free your mind of these anxieties you're having. Allow your mind to settle, and focus on other things. Go for a walk. Watch some TV. Hang out with some friends. Just live your life doing the things that you want to do, and embrace the freedom you have. Then, once you've done that for a while, ask yourself a question: Do you want to date? You don't have to; it's purely up to you. Do you still want to date, or are you content with the way things are?

 

I was once like you, feeling like I had to date due to social pressure. But once I took a step back and allowed myself to make a free choice, I realized that I wasn't really interested in anyone in that way. I'm happy being single, and if I have friends to keep me company, then everything's going to be okay. I haven't looked back.

Thank you for saying this - I just wish I could fully accept never having a partner at this point in my life.  I have done exactly as you said for the past 10 years.  I've told myself it's totally ok to be single and that I've found peace and happiness within myself. Whenever I was confused about it before I would journal or do something meditative - I still do.  I love my freedom, and every time I try to date I become thankful I've had so much time to grow on my own. But the thing is, I still can't help but think my life might be more enjoyable if I had a significant other to share it with. Sometimes I completely forget about the notion, other times it haunts me.  While societal pressure/media makes things a million times worse, I think I actually do want a relationship genuinely, but maybe not in the normative romantic/sexual sense. I have friends and family, but the idea of having one person to always depend on and to grow with emotionally is desirable and always has been to me.  But don't get me wrong - I think if someone is happy being single, there is no need to date anyone.  In fact, I get excited when I meet or know someone who is happily single (I'm happy for you!). But when it comes to myself.. I guess I'm being greedy and wonder if I can be happier.  

 

[Homer]

1 hour ago, carimarie said:

I wont ever.

You don't know that.

 

1 hour ago, carimarie said:

Rather, it's for the purpose and hopes of finding a partner and understanding if i'm capable of certain feelings?

You mean that as in dating to see whether the feelings kick in?

[Guest]

4 hours ago, carimarie said:

I kind of get what you're saying, but also maybe I didn't express that the main point of it is not to suddenly enjoy dating - I wont ever. Rather, it's for the purpose and hopes of finding a partner and understanding if i'm capable of certain feelings? Also I absolutely don't want to date for the sake of dating - 10/10 worst idea ever, I agree it does not benefit anyone. If I could skip the process of dating and just have a permanent life partner that would be perfect. 

 

If you are demi (you mention suspecting) then dating traditionally is ... not a good experiment anyway. 

 

I have to know someone like 6 months before I am OK kissing or anything. Total repulsion before then, to the point I literally pulled away in disgust the one time I tried "dating" and let the guy kiss me goodnight. 

 

I just make friends and if something else develops from that, then yay. 

[50ShadesOfGreyAndPurple]

if you feel uncomfortable about going on the dates, then i don't think you should. I somehow doubt (not much experience take this with a pinch of salt) that the experience you gather on dates will be minimal about your feeling toward a relationship.

 

you probably know what you feel comfortable with and want to do, so doing what you don't want just to see if your comfortable is not probably the best attitude

[carimarie]

9 hours ago, Homer said:

You don't know that.

 

You mean that as in dating to see whether the feelings kick in?

Yeah.. I guess I'm just trying to find someone to like and have interest in... but maybe I'll give that up if there's no point. 

 

[carimarie]

6 hours ago, Serran said:

 

If you are demi (you mention suspecting) then dating traditionally is ... not a good experiment anyway. 

 

I have to know someone like 6 months before I am OK kissing or anything. Total repulsion before then, to the point I literally pulled away in disgust the one time I tried "dating" and let the guy kiss me goodnight. 

 

I just make friends and if something else develops from that, then yay. 

Yeah I relate to that awk fest. A guy kissed me on the cheek once and strangely I thought it was cute/was not repulsed, but had he gone for the lips.. absolute yuck haha (I think he wanted to but was too scared). Also I don't often make that many new friends so it's a bit hard to chance upon it 😭But I guess what else can I really do if it'll just end in us not being on the same page.  

[carimarie]

5 hours ago, 50ShadesOfGreyAndPurple said:

if you feel uncomfortable about going on the dates, then i don't think you should. I somehow doubt (not much experience take this with a pinch of salt) that the experience you gather on dates will be minimal about your feeling toward a relationship.

 

you probably know what you feel comfortable with and want to do, so doing what you don't want just to see if your comfortable is not probably the best attitude

Yeah logically it makes sense to not do the things I'm not comfortable doing, so I sound idiotic for trying. But I guess it feels like my life is too comfortable and borderline stagnant, so I wanted to grow and find closure with the things I didn't understand about myself.  But I guess listening to everyone else, it doesn't seem to be a good idea.  Also not sure if you meant it this way, but dating (casually) and being in a relationship are two different things and I guess I didn't think about it that way. If I want a relationship, finding it through normal means of dating casually probably just wont work for me. 

[Philip027]

Quote

You don't know that.

I personally wouldn't ever enjoy dating.  I think I know more about what I would want and wouldn't want than anyone else.

[Janus the Fox]

A reminder that care needs to be taken where members may start to speak for other members experiences.

 

Personally, I couldn't get into dating.  Tried it, set up an account online dating and there was just no interest to continue, though I never wanted to to begin with.

[Meeè]

Finding and pursuing friendships might be more beneficial if you're worried about being eternally alone and don't want to go on dates romantically. Don't let society pressure you into pursuing a relationship you don't want. But if you are possibly demisexual then gaining long term good friends will probably help you realise it as you'll likely eventually develop feelings if you are close enough with them and if not you'll still have lovely long lasting friends to keep you company in the future, so it's a win-win.

[Tintintiens]

You mentioned wanting a relationship or partnership - are there any things you know that you want from such a relationship / characteristics that you want that relationship to possess? (Sorry if you wrote this somewhere and I overlooked it). Maybe thinking more about your likes, wishes, the things you enjoy about being with someone (instead of what is not enjoyable etc.) could help you figure things out? That way you could take more charge of your dating experience (if you decide to continue dating). By the way, have you seen this talk by David Jay (see below)? He talks about people's desire for connection and how it is often entangled with sexuality. He argues that sexual relationships are talked about more often, celebrated and prioritized more than other relationships, but that other forms of relationships are just as valid and should equally be talked about, celebrated and prioritized. Maybe thinking about alternatives to romantic and/or sexual relationships could give you some inspiration? 

 

 

 

[catlady190342]

Hi! I know you posted this a few weeks ago, but I'm new to the forum and SUPER identify with most of what you said. I've never dated before but have recently been messing around with dating apps, figuring that I needed more experience to test whether I'm asexual and aromantic. I went out on hiking dates with 2 different guys and we had good conversations about lots of different things, but I wouldn't say I felt any romantic or sexual attraction or spark. I really hate the idea of dating (especially through apps) but I'm also terrified of ending up alone and always second place to everyone that has a "more important" romantic/sexual relationship. So at this point, I'm not really sure what to do or how to find the kind of "I put you first, and you put me first" relationship I want that also doesn't involved sex or other physical stuff.

[ellunar_eclipse]

It sounds like you might be more inclined to having a QPR than a romantic relationship. A QPR, or a Queer Platonic Relationship, is sort of like having a best friend, but more. It's not a romantic relationship. You don't have to do any of the intimate stuff you would usually do with a romantic partner if you don't want to. It's kind of like having a roommate, but with a deep personal bond. Before I met my boyfriend, I considered having a QPR with one of my best friends, as she is aromantic bisexual and has no interest in trying out romantic relationships whatsoever. Our plan was that if I hadn't found a romantic partner by a certain age, we would move in together and have each other as company. She has always been like a sister to me, so it was a pretty obvious plan to both of us so we wouldn't have to live alone. Even if I didn't have a romantic partner, I still planned on adopting kids, and together we would raise them to be the best people they could be, their single mom and cool aunt fighting against the societal pressures to have a conventional family structure. However, I've found someone special that I'm willing to let into my life, a partner I can imagine spending the rest of my days with, so I've put that plan aside for now. If it turns out my boyfriend and I don't end up working out, I know I can always count on my friend to have my back, but I also know that if he and I do work out, my friend will still be an incredibly important part of my life, and we'll still have the sibling-like bond we always have. Simply put, while having a romantic relationship isn't the most important thing in the world to me, I also would like to avoid living alone if I don't have a partner, which sounds a lot like you as well. Some QPRs look a little different than the plan my friend and I made, though. Some of them are a bit more intimate, with the two people involved having a bit more physical affection in their relationship without anything too romantic like kissing involved. It really depends on the people involved and what they decide is right for them. Either finding a QPR or a few really close friends sounds like a good way to go, as dating isn't for everyone. Some people simply don't need or want romantic relationships, and sometimes forcing yourself to be in one does more harm than good. While this reply was made for @carimarie, I feel like it's also relevant to @catlady190342, and I hope this helps both of you out to some degree. I wish you both the best as you try and figure out the best possible path for you to take.

[carimarie]

On 8/13/2020 at 5:35 AM, Meeè said:

Finding and pursuing friendships might be more beneficial if you're worried about being eternally alone and don't want to go on dates romantically. Don't let society pressure you into pursuing a relationship you don't want. But if you are possibly demisexual then gaining long term good friends will probably help you realise it as you'll likely eventually develop feelings if you are close enough with them and if not you'll still have lovely long lasting friends to keep you company in the future, so it's a win-win.

I totally agree, building friendships are a lot more important in the long run and I think I'll focus on that more instead of fixating on what I lack romantically. I think I was just worried if I never sought out a relationship, I would never find one. And maybe that's true, but I also may never find love even if I seek it out and suffer through the anxiety of dating. 

[carimarie]

On 8/15/2020 at 6:00 AM, Tintintiens said:

You mentioned wanting a relationship or partnership - are there any things you know that you want from such a relationship / characteristics that you want that relationship to possess? (Sorry if you wrote this somewhere and I overlooked it). Maybe thinking more about your likes, wishes, the things you enjoy about being with someone (instead of what is not enjoyable etc.) could help you figure things out? That way you could take more charge of your dating experience (if you decide to continue dating). By the way, have you seen this talk by David Jay (see below)? He talks about people's desire for connection and how it is often entangled with sexuality. He argues that sexual relationships are talked about more often, celebrated and prioritized more than other relationships, but that other forms of relationships are just as valid and should equally be talked about, celebrated and prioritized. Maybe thinking about alternatives to romantic and/or sexual relationships could give you some inspiration? 

Yes I've definitely given that a lot of thought in and out of dating the past couple years, I didn't spell it out here just to avoid rambling but basically I want a partnership, companionship and good chemistry with someone who will enrich my life in a way that I can't do solo.  I'd want someone I consider my best friend, but also someone I can depend/support mutually. I think for the longest time I've always fixated on their role in my life, but I've been trying to be more thoughtful and observant in what I like in personality/ specific qualities. I think most importantly, chemistry is hugely important and hard to find. After talking to a friend and some time away from dating/dating apps I've decided its not for me - doesn't mean I cant find someone or ever date at all but I will probably have to go about in different route.  Thanks for your input though, I'll check out that video! 

 

[Mogz]

Yoooooo, reading this was like looking at something I myself could have written. I went through, and honestly am still going through, almost exactly what I think you're going through. I realized I was ace about 3-4 years ago AFTER a slew of incredibly awkward, failed attempts at dating. I was about 25 at the time and was just thinking "Well, I should be in a relationship, right?". So I got on some dating apps and met a few guys via friends and such and then I would try my best at dating, but it always felt either totally performative or I was just genuinely having a fun time hanging out with a friend, from my viewpoint. 

 

I can strongly empathize with so much of what you've said. The societal pressures, and especially the fear of being alone later in life, cut me to the core.

 

On 8/3/2020 at 12:22 AM, carimarie said:

Another qualm of dating the masses (people who are generally sexually and romantically normative), is that I'm being misleading or inconsiderate - yet I don't know myself enough to identify with and proclaim myself as anything, especially to strangers.  I do want a relationship, or a partnership, but all the romantic and intimate things that come along with it make it very uncomfortable to pursue.  I've also thought dating someone who was asexual or on the spectrum would be so much easier, just didn't think that was probable. Every time I try to date or talk to guys it just ends up in me feeling anxious for not having the same feelings as the other.. I don't know if I'm just torturing myself to pursue an impossible normal romance, or still learning about myself with reasonable prospects. 

This this THIS. We're in the same boat here. A friend of mine has recently been reaching back out to me to hang out more. He's a great guy with two adorable kittens and we have a TON in common. Our conversations flow easily and I would genuinely love to get to know him better, but I'm so nervous that he views me as "GF material" and may at some point try to make a move toward a more physical relationship. It's such a tough call, because like you, I really want a deeper relationship with someone, just not in the physical way. I want to keep hanging out and become better friends with this guy, but I don't want him to wind up feeling like I led him on later down the line. I'm also terrified about having to have The Ace Talk at some point. But now that I'm older and wiser (I hope) maybe I'll actually be able to articulate what's going on instead of just ghosting someone like a chump.   

[carimarie]

On 8/25/2020 at 11:21 AM, catlady190342 said:

Hi! I know you posted this a few weeks ago, but I'm new to the forum and SUPER identify with most of what you said. I've never dated before but have recently been messing around with dating apps, figuring that I needed more experience to test whether I'm asexual and aromantic. I went out on hiking dates with 2 different guys and we had good conversations about lots of different things, but I wouldn't say I felt any romantic or sexual attraction or spark. I really hate the idea of dating (especially through apps) but I'm also terrified of ending up alone and always second place to everyone that has a "more important" romantic/sexual relationship. So at this point, I'm not really sure what to do or how to find the kind of "I put you first, and you put me first" relationship I want that also doesn't involved sex or other physical stuff.

Aw, it's always nice to hear that someone else relates/is like-minded 😭.  Your experiences sound very similar to mine!  After talking to a friend who is definitely neither aro or ace, and has gone on a ton of dates and had relationships, she's mentioned it's hard even for her to meet someone that she clicks with too. They could be great people and nothing could really go wrong, but she can just tell it's not going to work out and/or there is no chemistry immediately after. I think because I lack experience dating, it's harder for me to make that call quickly and trust my intuition, and instead I anxiously wonder what's wrong with me to not be feeling any attraction - maybe it's the same for you? I think the truth is, there rarely ever are sparks and it's a lot harder with online dating because they start off as strangers (and it feels awkward and too intentional). I've come to realize through trial and error that dating apps aren't for me and that it's lot easier for me to even remotely have romantic interest in people I already know or have seen in person.  Also I totally get the whole ending-up-alone fears and feeling like a third wheel all the time - I think I made this post and joined this community when I was feeling the most frustrated with myself for lacking romantic/relationship experiences in comparison to the rest of society, as well as just not understanding myself.  I've kind of let it go for now, but I'm still worried about the future when all my single friends find life partners that I'll be left behind. It's hard to ignore that fear forever, but I'm trying to not let it consume and work on building friendships/other things in my life in the mean time.  Hope you have more success than me though with dating if you want to continue it! And hopefully we can both find some life partners (wether they're romantic or just platonic) that will stick it out with us through thick and thin.

 

 

[carimarie]

37 minutes ago, Mogz said:

Yoooooo, reading this was like looking at something I myself could have written. I went through, and honestly am still going through, almost exactly what I think you're going through. I realized I was ace about 3-4 years ago AFTER a slew of incredibly awkward, failed attempts at dating. I was about 25 at the time and was just thinking "Well, I should be in a relationship, right?". So I got on some dating apps and met a few guys via friends and such and then I would try my best at dating, but it always felt either totally performative or I was just genuinely having a fun time hanging out with a friend, from my viewpoint. 

 

I can strongly empathize with so much of what you've said. The societal pressures, and especially the fear of being alone later in life, cut me to the core.

 

This this THIS. We're in the same boat here. A friend of mine has recently been reaching back out to me to hang out more. He's a great guy with two adorable kittens and we have a TON in common. Our conversations flow easily and I would genuinely love to get to know him better, but I'm so nervous that he views me as "GF material" and may at some point try to make a move toward a more physical relationship. It's such a tough call, because like you, I really want a deeper relationship with someone, just not in the physical way. I want to keep hanging out and become better friends with this guy, but I don't want him to wind up feeling like I led him on later down the line. I'm also terrified about having to have The Ace Talk at some point. But now that I'm older and wiser (I hope) maybe I'll actually be able to articulate what's going on instead of just ghosting someone like a chump.   

😭I feel for your struggles/sad they exist but also am happy to hear I'm not alone!

I've definitely had a lot of weird best-guy-friend drama in the past and it always resulted in a lot of guilt on my end and confusion on their end, but I was a lot younger then and less confrontational.  I think that in this case, if you like him romantically or you think you potentially could, then it's ok to keep hanging out with him for now? And do you want to be in a relationship (like boyfriend/girlfriend sort of thing) even if it didn't involve physical stuff?  I think in your defense, it's ok to explore the idea of dating him, because it sounds like there is attraction there but you just aren't sure to what extent. IMO it only feels morally wrong and misleading to keep talking to them if I know for sure I dont want any kind of relationship (other than friendship) with them. If he sounds very interested in actually dating you formally down the line, perhaps you could be upfront and tell him you are interested but that you don't feel comfortable with certain things and are looking for companionship rather than an intimate physical relationship?  The "Talk" sounds horrifying to me, and I am also NOT a confrontational person, but I've found wording things in a way that dont explicitly label me as one thing, but rather outlines what I do/dont want in a relationship is a little less terrifying. However, if you strongly identify with a label and want to be specific, then that's different. These are just my opinions though and totally could be wrong about it all. Wishing you the best outcome though and that you don't let your anxiety over it get to you!