Questioning gender identity: name change too soon?

[everlightly]

TLDR: I've begun questioning my gender identity recently but have been thinking about changing my name for a while (I think 4+ years?) to something more gender-neutral. Is it preemptive to go through the process of legally changing my name at this point before I really understand my relationship with my gender?

 

Hello, so I'm 22 years old and have for the most part been comfortable with leaning towards feminine-presenting, but honestly don't have preferred pronouns or feel super connected with my gender. The clothes I wear are usually feminine, but I still have days when I like to be less feminine and more masculine. (Although it's hard to ever feel very 'masculine' since I'm a pretty small/dainty person so I never really come across as such. Maybe I mean nonbinary? Still working on it. I haven't quite figured out what gender means to me. )

But for 4 years or so, I've had this name in my head that I wanted to change to, something more gender-neutral than my current name. But if I don't understand my relationship with my gender, should I hold off on changing my name?
It also slightly complicates the issue that I am graduating college soon and getting a job (hopefully). So trying to change my name in time for this big transition in my life feels rushed. Also, I have no idea how to possibly ask the people I've known not just from college but also my childhood to just call me by a different name? I'm not transitioning or changing how I present my gender so there is no good reason to tell my friends and family for why I want to change my name after 22 years. Do I wait until I have a better idea of my gender identity to change my name?

 

Any advice or personal stories on undergoing name changes or reasons why people changed their names would be greatly appreciated... 😊

 

[pluuto]

Hi! I'm ftm and legally changed my name over two years ago now! I can't tell you what to do or how to feel, but if the name you have picked feels more comfortable than your current name, that's reason enough to change your name (especially if you've been thinking about it for four years). Honestly, there's no perfect or convenient time to change your name, so I wouldn't worry about it feeling rushed. Also, if you get it changed before you get your diploma, your diploma can have your preferred name on it!

 

As for telling others to call you by a different name, it's awkward and difficult even when transitioning. Maybe try telling them that you feel more comfortable being referred to with the more neutral name, and if you can't really explain how you experience gender, you don't have to tell anyone anything. If you feel like you need to give people an explanation, though, be honest. It's okay to be unsure, and if changing your name would make you more comfortable, other people should respect that.

 

However, my opinion is just that--one opinion, and there is no right way to go about situations like this. Do whatever makes you feel the best and know that you're valid! 🙂

[Sarah-Sylvia]

It's never good to rush. Take your time. But follow your heart too

You can take measures that help you test it out. Before you'd change your name legally,  you could tell people your new name. Legality doesn't really change your name, you do. You get to choose. Trans people often tell others what their name is before changing it legally. I have. Some of my friends call me by it, and it lets me see how it sounds to me, and how I feel. I like it I might change it in the future but it's not important for now, especially that I'm not totally out publically.

Good luck!

[Guest]

Folks have already given awesome advice ❤️ And I agree with them. Honestly, as with any aspect of your life, you ought to proceed at your own pace. There is no timeline you have to adhere to but the one you're personally comfortable with.

 

I know quite a few masculine lesbians and AFAB non-binary people who have changed their names to better match a masculine or androgynous identity. That being said, there are also many gender non-conforming cishet women who change their names. Anyone can change their name. It doesn't necessarily have to be about your gender, in terms of how you label it. You can just tell people that it's a name you're more comfortable with. You don't have to be changing your name for the same reasons that other people do. Regardless of why you're changing your name, that decision deserves to be respected. You don't have to justify it any further.

 

Also, just saying-- even if you were transgender (and it's fine if you're not), you don't have to be 100% sure in that circumstance either. I've changed my name IRL, I've had surgery, and I've undergone years of hormone replacement therapy. While every decision was made after years of questioning, I always felt moments of doubt as I proceeded forward with changes. It's natural, whenever you do anything to affirm an identity which might be contrary to cis male/female gender norms. Society makes us doubt ourselves, whenever we take big steps, because we've consistently been taught to conform to a certain gendered experience.

 

Even if you are a cis, gender non-conforming woman, you are totally within your rights to change your name-- whenever you want! Sooner, later, it's fine! Plus, as suggested above, maybe use your name socially before you make it legal. Then you take the pressure off yourself to do a jaunt 'round the bureaucratic maypole.

 

In summary...

 

10 hours ago, everlightly said:

Do I wait until I have a better idea of my gender identity to change my name?

Only if you feel that you should!

 

10 hours ago, everlightly said:

But if I don't understand my relationship with my gender, should I hold off on changing my name?

Only if you want to!

 

[Guest]

8 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Some of my friends call me by it, and it lets me see how it sounds to me, and how I feel. I like it

Just saying, this is really sweet ❤️

 

I'm glad you have friends like that.