Cosmic Latte Posted August 2, 2020 Share Posted August 2, 2020 To make this inevitably long intro quicker I’ll start with that I’ve never been hugely obsessed with dating or finding a boyfriend growing up. I got a lot of praise for it from my family, and it saved me a lot of grief + drama from what I could tell from my friends who were more “boy-crazy”, so I never really questioned it. Overall I couldn’t ever tell why people put so much effort into dating. Until I graduated from high school and moved out of my parent's house in 2010. Suddenly everyone I knew was having hookups or one night stands and I just…didn’t get it. Since I didn’t live with my parents who I thought would judge me for it, I spent quite a bit of time reading smut fanfic and sex ed info online to see if I could figure out where I “fit” into the any of this sexual stuff (so many terms!). A brief pitstop in my long post to say I did try dating cis-men in my early adulthood once or twice, and I found it incredibly stressful, which made me consider if I was actually straight, and it turns out I’m not. I'm still not sure if it’s exclusively women or more of a mix, but it def wasn’t straight. I’m not EXACTLY sure how I first heard about asexuality, but it was around mid 2011 and probably through tumblr. I recall having a brief conversation about it with an allosexual friend at some point. So I looked up Asexuality and found AVEN, with its helpful FAQs. (I remember the "cake" meme being new lol ) This seemed to solve the mystery, but I immediately denied it because it opened up a whole new problem of loneliness and dread that I didn’t want to deal with. I also had anxiety about what if it turned out I was a “late bloomer” and I put so much effort into being wrong about myself. So I launched into my college studies, which almost kinda worked, but then I graduated in 2016, and I’ve been struggling since then. I haven’t told any family members, because I figure I’ll burn that bridge if and when I get to it, and they often surprise me with how supportive they can be, so I’m not terribly worried about coming out. I just don’t want to answer ten million questions that are usually easy to find online. However, all of my friends I kept from high school know I’m asexual and most of my newer friends have figured out I’m not interested in having sex, but I haven’t explicitly told them. So I got through my 20’s without having sex, and I’m ok with that. The new/old problem is do I actually want to date, romance, and commit to real people? Or am I isolated, lonely, and bored? I prefer living by myself, working on my own schedule, but living by yourself isn’t cost-effective, and it’s been a difficult learning process finding out how much physical and emotional space I really need when I do find roommates. Which kinda threw some red flags for me. If just having a roommate, who I have no obligation to even get along with, feels like too much, would I be able to properly reciprocate and share space with a partner (or multiple partners)? Would they feel ignored by how much space I need? I enjoy reading about romance in fanfics online but find myself missing the cues and signals all the time offline. So now I'm seriously considering if I'm Aromantic or Lithoromantic. 2020 WAS going to be the year I got myself together and maybe tried dating again, but with the virus, I’m too scared to get a haircut, let alone trying to meet new people offline. Which is why I'm here posting this intro, to find people to relate with and maybe make some new friends Link to post Share on other sites
Karekare Posted August 2, 2020 Share Posted August 2, 2020 Hello! Welcome to AVEN🍰 There's lots of different people here with varying experiences and I'm sure there's plenty who can relate to your story. As for me, I'm demisexual demiromantic, which means I don't have a sexual or romantic attraction until I've gotten to really know someone (it took me three years to develop a crush on my best friend). I hope we can provide you with some answers or at the very least a space of comfort and community! Link to post Share on other sites
grez Posted August 2, 2020 Share Posted August 2, 2020 26 minutes ago, Cosmic Latte said: would I be able to properly reciprocate and share space with a partner (or multiple partners)? It might be a lot easier if you have romantic feelings for the person you are sharing the space with, also the person/people you share the space with will probably understand you better than a roommate would and could recognize if you need space. 28 minutes ago, Cosmic Latte said: but living by yourself isn’t cost-effective if the desire for a romantic partner is due to a practical reason you might well be on the aromantic spectrum Link to post Share on other sites
RosePhoenix Posted August 2, 2020 Share Posted August 2, 2020 21 minutes ago, Cosmic Latte said: but living by yourself isn’t cost-effective Someone have told me this is why I "can't" not marry and "can't" be asexual/aromantic...it "simply isn't practical" 🙄 23 minutes ago, Cosmic Latte said: If just having a roommate, who I have no obligation to even get along with, feels like too much, would I be able to properly reciprocate and share space with a partner (or multiple partners)? Would they feel ignored by how much space I need? I enjoy reading about romance in fanfics online but find myself missing the cues and signals all the time offline. So now I'm seriously considering if I'm Aromantic or Lithoromantic. Relate hard to this, I need alot of personal space and I didn't do great when I was in residence with a roomate at uni (even though it was technically two separte rooms, just connected). And the amount of attention other people seem to expect is strange and difficult for me, even with my friends, if I don't talk to them regularly enough or go out with them enough they stop thinking we're friends. But their regualry enough and mine are very different. For me this was also one of the key reasons I never got dating. Going out with someone every week? multiple times a week?? having to talk to them every day or at least every other day? That just sounds fucking exhausting. Dating always just seemed like a chore to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Cosmic Latte Posted August 3, 2020 Author Share Posted August 3, 2020 1 hour ago, SmaragdineSpellCastor said: As for me, I'm demisexual demiromantic, which means I don't have a sexual or romantic attraction until I've gotten to really know someone (it took me three years to develop a crush on my best friend). I hope we can provide you with some answers or at the very least a space of comfort and community! Thank you for the warm welcome :3 It's interesting you brought up demisexuality because I was catching up with an old offline friend on the phone, and long story short, while she was mentioning her previous sexual partners she said something like, "...You do know you don't need a connection with someone to fuck them, right?" and I had to pause for a moment because I had assumed that. I'm not sex-negative or repulsed (more like sex-neutral), but whenever I thought I could be allosexual, it was with someone I cared about. Having sex with someone I didn't know seemed both hugely unappealing and felt risky. Although, I'm not sure if I found myself feeling this because I've read too much romance fiction (unrealistic expectations), or if it's because I might be demisexual... Definitely something to consider in my journey 😄 Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 Welcome! Well people seek affection in different ways, I’d say there are probably a fair few people who’d be quite happy with a relaxed relationship, where you take things at your own pace and don’t rush to do things you’re “supposed” to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Cosmic Latte Posted August 3, 2020 Author Share Posted August 3, 2020 3 hours ago, grez said: It might be a lot easier if you have romantic feelings for the person you are sharing the space with, also the person/people you share the space with will probably understand you better than a roommate would and could recognize if you need space. if the desire for a romantic partner is due to a practical reason you might well be on the aromantic spectrum those are excellent points, thank you for your input grez :3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cosmic Latte Posted August 3, 2020 Author Share Posted August 3, 2020 3 hours ago, RosePhoenix said: Someone have told me this is why I "can't" not marry and "can't" be asexual/aromantic...it "simply isn't practical" 🙄 Relate hard to this, I need alot of personal space and I didn't do great when I was in residence with a roomate at uni (even though it was technically two separte rooms, just connected). And the amount of attention other people seem to expect is strange and difficult for me, even with my friends, if I don't talk to them regularly enough or go out with them enough they stop thinking we're friends. But their regualry enough and mine are very different. For me this was also one of the key reasons I never got dating. Going out with someone every week? multiple times a week?? having to talk to them every day or at least every other day? That just sounds fucking exhausting. Dating always just seemed like a chore to me. That...sounds so sad? I've heard of relationships being arranged for various reasons, but I can't imagine dating, let alone marrying anyone just for money. ((Although I'm willing to admit the world is a complicated place, with a lot of different factors going on, and it's not my place to judge people's relationships)) I'm relieved to know I'm not alone in needing space. Most of the couples I know offline seem attached at the hip, they do everything together and I get restless just hearing them talk about their plans or watching them attempt to do every task together. I think part of it is I grew up doing a lot of stuff by myself, and part of it is I run on a different rhythm & pace than most people I've lived with or worked with, and the waiting up or catching up gets irritating for everyone. So it's easier to get my errands, chores, and work done by myself, and then if I have energy + free time, spend recreational time with other people. I can handle maintaining platonic or family relationships easier because the catching up conversations aren't super often, very deep, or long. Usually, people expect summaries or bullet points, which pre-COVID was fairly easy for me to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Cosmic Latte Posted August 3, 2020 Author Share Posted August 3, 2020 10 hours ago, Lichley said: Welcome! Well people seek affection in different ways, I’d say there are probably a fair few people who’d be quite happy with a relaxed relationship, where you take things at your own pace and don’t rush to do things you’re “supposed” to do. thank you so much Lichley for the warm welcome & cake ^w^)/ Link to post Share on other sites
cody882 Posted August 5, 2020 Share Posted August 5, 2020 Hi I’ve had some of the same experiences. I don’t like going out/ hanging with friends. I’m always most comfortable by myself and have had friends push me to go out more but I enjoy staying home and watching tv or reading a comic book. Link to post Share on other sites
AceMissBehaving Posted August 6, 2020 Share Posted August 6, 2020 I can say that I have a lot of difficulty being around most people a lot, even going away with friends on vacation felt suffocating after about a week. When it came to room mates not all of them wanted or needed much interaction, so having enough alone time was fairly easy. Romantic partner wise, my husband is one of the few people I can share space with and not feel drained. If you wanted to date it’s possible you’d find someone who didn’t make you feel crowded, and or someone who understands you’re need for independence and time to yourself Link to post Share on other sites
Cosmic Latte Posted August 6, 2020 Author Share Posted August 6, 2020 @cody882 Hi, I often used to feel the same way before Coronavirus. Now I long for the days when I used to turn down events willy-nilly 😅 @AceMissBehaving I know what you mean, I almost forgot myself that there are actually people out there who can refresh us instead of draining Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 A very belated welcome to AVEN! You might find this helpful for figuring out your romantic orientation if you haven't read it already: Romantic and Aromantic Lexicon and FAQ And per the AVEN tradition of welcoming new members by offering cake, here's a "Dragon" cake, https://cakesdecor.com/cakes/215752-dragon Link to post Share on other sites
Cosmic Latte Posted August 12, 2020 Author Share Posted August 12, 2020 @MichaelTannock oh my gosh, thank you!! It's so cute \(>w<)/ 🐉✨ I appreciate the link as well, I will be sure to check it out Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 You're welcome! I'm glad you like the Dragon cake, and good luck figuring out your romantic orientation! Link to post Share on other sites
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