Jump to content

How to approach the subject with son?


mama

Recommended Posts

Ok. This is all new to me.  My son is 21.  (this feels very weird posting this.  This is a whole new world to me.  I came to this site because I googled "black ring on right middle finger" and opened my eyes to asexuality.)  My very intelligent son, who walked through divorce with me while he was a teenager, who's father is very verbally abusive and bigoted, and is still living at home with me and my extremely conservative husband, recently started wearing a black ring on the right middle finger.  He's never had a girlfriend, or even a date.  And so those are all adding up, and I'm starting to understand what is probably going on.  I only say probably because we've not discussed it... and that's why I'm here.  How do I broach this subject with respect for him, to make him feel loved, understood and accepted????  What helped you approach this subject if you are a parent of an asexual.  And if you are asexual, what helped you discuss this openly?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to AVEN. It sounds like you personally are coming from a good 'place' in respect to your reaction to finding out what the black ring signifies. 

 

Quote

make him feel loved, understood and accepted?

 

I'm out to a few friends, buy have no intention of telling my family as it has enough drama. When I've come out to my friends, I've told them I'm still the same person as I've always been. It's just now you know why me having a girlfriend never happened. Yes I had female friends and hung out with them, but to me they were more like buddies. If we did go out on a date (one female friend hates it when I say that), it was just something to do like dinner and a movie. I never really expected anything else.

 

I'm 58 and found out and identified as asexual when I was 44. I can guarantee your son will be saving himself from a lot of heart ache, knowing about it so early in his life.

 

Sorry I can't address directly your question, but I hope others will be able to and when you do talk to your son, it goes well :)

 

Who knows he may already know about AVEN. ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia
15 minutes ago, mama said:

Ok. This is all new to me.  My son is 21.  (this feels very weird posting this.  This is a whole new world to me.  I came to this site because I googled "black ring on right middle finger" and opened my eyes to asexuality.)  My very intelligent son, who walked through divorce with me while he was a teenager, who's father is very verbally abusive and bigoted, and is still living at home with me and my extremely conservative husband, recently started wearing a black ring on the right middle finger.  He's never had a girlfriend, or even a date.  And so those are all adding up, and I'm starting to understand what is probably going on.  I only say probably because we've not discussed it... and that's why I'm here.  How do I broach this subject with respect for him, to make him feel loved, understood and accepted????  What helped you approach this subject if you are a parent of an asexual.  And if you are asexual, what helped you discuss this openly?

Hii.
The very fact that you do want to accept him and make him feel understood is already more than what some asexuals could expect of a family member. I'm just happy you feel that way, and I bet he would too. To really know how to respect it, it would probably take to ask about it at some point and listen to how it is for him, so you can know how he feels and be able to better help him (or not involve yourself too much if he doesn't want that). Of course talking to other asexuals here can probably prepare you a little, but yeah really just being open and wanting him to feel respected around it is really great.
If you do decide to ask him about it, I would first ask if that's why he's wearing the ring :P It could just happen that he bought a black ring and it fits better on his middle finger.

Obviously for men especially it's difficult to be asexual, because masculine culture revolves around sex often. Out of respect for him, the first thing you should want to do is to keep it private unless he wants others to know about it. If he is wearing the ring for it, then obviously a part of him at least wants to be true about it to some degree, so he might be willing to talk about it, though you also have to respect his pacing and if he's uncomfortable talking about it, to maybe tell him that it's ok and you're there to listen if or whenever he does feel like sharing about it. I think that's the most important.

I guess one more thing to mention is how some asexuals can be tired of people asking about their relationships, and when they'll get a gf or get married or have kids. So if you know he's asexual then some of those being avoided could be nice. Being asexual doesn't mean he doesn't want a partner though, it can just mean he doesn't want sex, so getting to know about his personal feelings around this is good, to have a better sense of what's comfortable and what's not.

I'm sure others will have more ideas as well, but you're a great mom :)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome to AVEN! It's great that you want to support him. I wouldn't directly address it but rather wait for him to tell you when he's ready. Maybe you can discretely mention that you support Lgbt+ people, including asexuals. It's difficult to think of an example. Maybe complaining about a redundant sex scene or romantic subplot in a film or book would help.

Knowing that my parents would support me is what helped to come out to them. It still took me some time to summon the courage.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 minute ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Hii.
The very fact that you do want to accept him and make him feel understood is already more than what someone asexual could expect. I'm just happy you feel that way, and I bet he would too. It would probably take to ask about it at some point and listen to how it is for him, so you can know how he feels and be able to better help him. Of course talking to other asexuals here can probably prepare you a little, but yeah really just being open and wanting him to feel respected around it is really great.
If you do decide to ask him about it, I would first ask if that's why he's wearing the ring :P It could just happen that he bought a black ring and it fits better on his middle finger.

Obviously for men especially it's difficult to be asexual, because masculine culture revolves around sex often. Out of respect for him, the first thing you should want to do is to keep it private unless he wants others to know about it. If he is wearing the ring for it, then obviously a part of him at least wants to be true about it to some degree, so he might be willing to talk about it, though you also have to respect his pacing and if he's uncomfortable talking about it, to maybe tell him that it's ok and you're there to listen if or whenever he does feel like sharing about it. I think that's the most important.

I guess one more thing to mention is how some asexuals can be tired of people asking about their relationships, and when they'll get a gf or get married or have kids. So if you know he's asexual then some of those being avoided could be nice. Being asexual doesn't mean he doesn't want a partner though, it can just mean he doesn't want sex, so getting to know about his personal feelings around this is good, to have a better sense of what's comfortable and what's not.

I'm sure others will have more ideas as well, but you're a great mom :)

X1,000,000

 

That's what I wanted to say! No seriously, I couldn't agree more with this. @mama About the bold, you get a virtual hug from me because of your outlook!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi. That's great that you want to let your son know that you love and accept him.

 

25 minutes ago, mama said:

 ...And if you are asexual, what helped you discuss this openly?

Well, I came out as asexual to my sibling because I wondered whether he was asexual, since he seemed to be exactly like me: never dated or been in a relationship, never talked about or expressed interest in dating, sex, etc. He told me he's not asexual, that he masturbates and had interest in a couple of his classmates, when he was in high school and college. He said he doesn't like labeling himself.

 

My parents already knew, over the years, that I wasn't interested in dating, anyone, because I openly expressed that I didn't care about that stuff, that it was strange and weird to me when strangers would come up to me and express interest in dating me.

 

Perhaps, you might want to start by bringing up your son's ring, mention that you looked up, online, and saw that it meant something to do with "asexuality" and let the conversation go from there, where he'll either confirm it or reveal that it means something else to him.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia
3 minutes ago, Ennis said:

Welcome to AVEN! It's great that you want to support him. I wouldn't directly address it but rather wait for him to tell you when he's ready. Maybe you can discretely mention that you support Lgbt+ people, including asexuals. It's difficult to think of an example. Maybe complaining about a redundant sex scene or romantic subplot in a film or book would help.

Knowing that my parents would support me is what helped to come out to them. It still took me some time to summon the courage.

That's not a bad point, I did think maybe a more subtle approach could be useful, but my guess is if someone's wearing the ring, then they're made a few steps forward and might be willing to talk. I suppose it depends on how the person feels and their personality.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross

Coming from a severely traditional family that doesn't accept deviations from the norm, there are a few things I would like to point out here.

 

First and foremost, do not treat this as if he has some sort of deficiency, psychological trouble, some cry for help, etc. Don't go there because the only thing you will accomplish is to make him feel that way and if he has any intention of revealing he is asexual, you will snuff out that possibility, or at the very least hinder it. There are already plenty of us with the stigma of "freak" hanging over us.

 

Second, is there really a reason you need to know? I don't mean to sound harsh here but as a parent, I'm sure you're aware that there are things that we simply don't want to talk about. It's our own business and we like it when it's kept that way unlike trying to make it an issue, in the name of "concern"

 

Third, if you manage to find definitive proof or if your son just confesses to you, what will your reaction be? Will you say "I will accept you just as you are" and meant it? Or will you let any doubts get in the way and start "but you know...." 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

wow... you all are so helpful.. I really appreciate how responsive you are.  and JadeCross...I hear you.  I can imagine he might be very hesitant to open up because this might be "an issue" that some family members might have negative responses to.  You're right, I don't NEED to know.  My main objective is to let him know I'll always love him.  

 

Keep the advice coming......

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, mama said:

...I can imagine he might be very hesitant to open up because this might be "an issue" that some family members might have negative responses to.  You're right, I don't NEED to know.  My main objective is to let him know I'll always love him...

Knowing that you accept him, despite him being in an environment when other family members might not, might help and be important to him.

Link to post
Share on other sites
letusdeleteouraccounts

I’m an aromantic asexual guy and 18 but I’m also the pretty shy type.

 

What I advise is to not make this a big deal, in a curious friend type of deal. Nothing direct/audacious and nothing too in depth. A person’s orientation doesn’t require a whole conversation or emotional moment, unless there’s something you need to apologize about after gaining this confirmation.


This all is how I prefer it anyways. My parents didn’t even know what asexuality was and I told my dad just put me on the spot when I was going to hang out with queer friends, asking me “are you gay?” He kinda just does everything with this wrong and he has a habit of invalidating people whenever they tell him things. That’s why I don’t like talking to him. My mom is just awkward about it. She tries to relate sometimes (which I find weird considering she’s my mom) and she doesn’t do much thinking when it comes to LGBT things leading to her saying insensitive things

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can subscribe what the others said. Chill until he brings up that subject by himself. 

 

And when he does tell him that it's fine - because seriously, sexuality is just a tiny part of a person even tho the media tries to tell us otherwise. 

 

Don't be like my mum who was immediatly all like "how would you know when you never had a realtionship?" Like... some DO feel asexual until they meet someone who makes it spark but some never feel that spark and assuming that one "cannot know" or "needs to find the right person" is just plain rude. Let him figure out by himself. It's his sexuality not yours.

 

(Not assuming you would be like that but I felt like saying this since my mum really hurt me like this)

Link to post
Share on other sites
29 minutes ago, LeChat said:

Knowing that you accept him, despite him being in an environment when other family members might not, might help and be important to him.

Assuming mama's son is asexual, it's one thing for him to know that there is a reason why he isn't sexually attracted to others. For him to know that his mother is completely understanding and fine with this would probably go a long way in putting him at ease about his asexuality if he is struggling with it. That being said, if he's wearing a black ring, he's likely content with his identity. I wear mine at times, more not though.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 minutes ago, Star Lion said:


This all is how I prefer it anyways. My parents didn’t even know what asexuality was and I told my dad just put me on the spot when I was going to hang out with queer friends, asking me “are you gay?” He kinda just does everything with this wrong and he has a habit of invalidating people whenever they tell him things. That’s why I don’t like talking to him. My mom is just awkward about it. 

 

This is how I'd expect my son to feel...... about his dad response and mine.  I'll definitely keep this in mind ......

Link to post
Share on other sites

My parents are very supportive of the LGBT+ community, yet I have no intention to come out to them. They don't need to know, so I won't tell them. Maybe your son feels a similar way, maybe he doesn't. Just don't pressure him into any conversations he might not want to be a part of. You sound like an incredible mother, and I wish the best for you and your son. 😄

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, Artila said:

I can subscribe what the others said. Chill until he brings up that subject by himself. 

 

And when he does tell him that it's fine - because seriously, sexuality is just a tiny part of a person even tho the media tries to tell us otherwise

 

Don't be like my mum who was immediatly all like "how would you know when you never had a realtionship?" Like... some DO feel asexual until they meet someone who makes it spark but some never feel that spark and assuming that one "cannot know" or "needs to find the right person" is just plain rude. Let him figure out by himself. It's his sexuality not yours.

 

(Not assuming you would be like that but I felt like saying this since my mum really hurt me like this)

Thumbs up!

 

On the bold, sounds similar to what a friend said when I came out to her.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, flatulence said:

My parents are very supportive of the LGBT+ community, yet I have no intention to come out to them. They don't need to know, so I won't tell them. Maybe your son feels a similar way, maybe he doesn't. Just don't pressure him into any conversations he might not want to be a part of. You sound like an incredible mother, and I wish the best for you and your son. 😄

You bring up something I was trying to verbalise. From what I've read here on AVEN, asexuals' parents fall into two categories, supportive and not so... Those of us that come from the latter, tend to keep our identity to ourselves.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sarah-Sylvia

I can understand the point to be subtle and not have to bring it up, but I guess I'm just someone who values honesty, and think once someone knows, might as well talk about it, plus knowing that a parent supports and accepts how I am would be a relief. But I'm just one person, so it's good that there's other perspectives :P

Link to post
Share on other sites
23 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

...plus knowing that a parent supports and accepts how I am would be a relief. But I'm just one person, so it's good that there's other perspectives...

Yeah. I was thinking how I would've loved to have parents who accepted me, easily, who came up to me to tell me they supported me (it's something I've heard parents who accept their children, unconditionally, like to do, who like having a close, supportive relationship with them). I grew up in a dysfunctional family environment, so it felt hard, growing up, feeling like I was left alone and unsupported, that I couldn't be honest and have a close relationship with my parents, due to them not fully accepting me, my feelings, etc.

 

They're okay with me never dating or being in a relationship because they've always told my sibling and me to never get married because their marriage wasn't great. It doesn't mean they fully accept me; there's a reason why I didn't explicitly come out as "asexual" to them: I know that they'll be judgmental about the group thing; they're not really supportive or care about LGBT+ people, issues of injustice, etc; they don't care or understand why others want or need to be a part of support groups, etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Apologies that you're getting so many different opinions, this probably isn't helping you much in figuring out what to do 😕 but I still thought I should add what I first thought when I saw your post.

I am wary about the idea of wearing a black ring or wearing something in the ace flag colours as it would be so easy for someone to look them up. Given your son is wearing the ring (and assuming it has the meaning to him that we are all assuming) then he will likely understand that someone would be able to look it up and find out, and personally if someone knew something about me, that they weren't willing to tell me, then that would make me feel really weird. If I ever got up the courage to wear something ace related and one of my parents realised what it meant then I would love for them to make me aware that they know, even just if it's something as simple as "hey, I looked up what your ring might mean and I just want to say that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it." That way neither of you is hiding anything from the other and you're being clear that you are accepting. :) 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do :) 

Link to post
Share on other sites
3 minutes ago, Phi! said:

Apologies that you're getting so many different opinions, this probably isn't helping you much in figuring out what to do 😕 but I still thought I should add what I first thought when I saw your post.

I am wary about the idea of wearing a black ring or wearing something in the ace flag colours as it would be so easy for someone to look them up. Given your son is wearing the ring (and assuming it has the meaning to him that we are all assuming) then he will likely understand that someone would be able to look it up and find out, and personally if someone knew something about me, that they weren't willing to tell me, then that would make me feel really weird. If I ever got up the courage to wear something ace related and one of my parents realised what it meant then I would love for them to make me aware that they know, even just if it's something as simple as "hey, I looked up what your ring might mean and I just want to say that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it." That way neither of you is hiding anything from the other and you're being clear that you are accepting. :) 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do :) 

That's probably all anyone could hope for.

Link to post
Share on other sites
verily-forsooth-egads

My family assured me of their support when I came out and did their best to learn more, which goes a long way. I kind of wish they'd display pride symbols openly instead of making it a secret, though. Wait a while and then ask him if he'd like that.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mountain House
4 minutes ago, verily-forsooth-egads said:

display pride symbols openly instead of making it a secret

@mama,

 

Buy your own black ring.  Put it on a finger or on a necklace for him to see.  Might be all you need to say.

Link to post
Share on other sites
45 minutes ago, Phi! said:

"hey, I looked up what your ring might mean and I just want to say that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it."

I like this approach, or whatever version of it feels most natural (least unnatural? :) ) to you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, Phi! said:

Apologies that you're getting so many different opinions, this probably isn't helping you much in figuring out what to do 😕 but I still thought I should add what I first thought when I saw your post.

I am wary about the idea of wearing a black ring or wearing something in the ace flag colours as it would be so easy for someone to look them up. Given your son is wearing the ring (and assuming it has the meaning to him that we are all assuming) then he will likely understand that someone would be able to look it up and find out, and personally if someone knew something about me, that they weren't willing to tell me, then that would make me feel really weird. If I ever got up the courage to wear something ace related and one of my parents realised what it meant then I would love for them to make me aware that they know, even just if it's something as simple as "hey, I looked up what your ring might mean and I just want to say that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it." That way neither of you is hiding anything from the other and you're being clear that you are accepting. :) 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do :) 

 

1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

I like this approach, or whatever version of it feels most natural (least unnatural? :) ) to you.

 

Likely over analyzing things here, but it might be easier to bring up if it's easier to say.

 

On second thought the quote sounds across a bit wordy. Maybe something like this: "If your ring means you're asexual,  I just want to say that I'm here for you if you ever want to talk about it."

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
anisotrophic

@mama my children are too young to have sexuality, but I know it’s your role to worry about a child, wanting the best for them.

 

When I came out to my parents as trans, the... nature of their worries demonstrated they weren’t making an effort to understand. That was disappointing. So, it’s really helpful that you’re doing this.

 

I am close to someone near my own age (around 40) that’s privately ace and hasn’t told their parents. And it’s partly because there’s a lot of “wrong” responses they don’t want to deal with — trying to “fix” them. I think they’re probably right to not want to deal with that.

 

Spoiler

As a result their parents have come to conclude their child is a “loner” and... that’s actually prompted a helpful response: they try to make sure to check in and provide support, because this person doesn’t have a life partner & isn’t otherwise close to other “family“ (traditional or otherwise).

 

Being a long term “person that cares” for someone is something valuable you might be able to do for him in years to come. (That is, in addition to providing acceptance, loving someone for who they are and not who they aren’t — something all children wish to have when they experience sexuality and gender that falls outside “norm”.) you don’t need to tell him you want to do this, you can just do it, if it seems he might need you in this way.

Link to post
Share on other sites
nanogretchen4

It sounds like it would not be great for your son to be outed to your husband while he is living with you. The more you talk about your son's sexual orientation, the greater the risk that your husband will overhear something. Also, if you know for a fact that your son is asexual there is a greater chance you will feel tempted or obligated to spill the beans to your husband. Right now you don't really know, so there's nothing to tell. If your son is able to move out and live independently, at that point it will be safer for him to come out to you if he has any inclination to. In the meantime, I recommend that you simply refrain from urging him to date, asking if he likes anyone, etc.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You all are giving me great things to consider....I'm learning a lot!  Thank you.  

 

Knowing that he's not one to discuss very personal issues, and keeping in mind what I've heard from you all..... I think it's most important for me to let him know my love for him will never change, and that I have his back.  The information won't change how we interact.  But my knowing it could help him understand he's not alone.   

 

And it's not my news to share with anyone.  He would definitely receive very negative feedback from his father, and my husband would not understand the "why" and probably say something trying to be helpful that would be hurtful.  

Link to post
Share on other sites

The label isnt important, but it is important to let the individual evolve into who they are and not expect stereotypical stuff. Ask open questions: “where do you see yourself in 10 years?”. If he says “living alone” your reaction shouldnt be “what!? And not give me grandchildren!”, but rather ask more curious.

Link to post
Share on other sites
verily-forsooth-egads
9 minutes ago, MrDane said:

The label isnt important, but it is important to let the individual evolve into who they are and not expect stereotypical stuff. Ask open questions: “where do you see yourself in 10 years?”. If he says “living alone” your reaction shouldnt be “what!? And not give me grandchildren!”, but rather ask more curious.

I'm probably projecting, but I'm not sure asking a college-age person to tell you their long-term life plans is really the way to put them at ease.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...