Never had sex, getting married, maybe asexual?

[Uncertainsusan]

I'm 26 years old, engaged to an incredible man, and I've never had sex. We're both religious and wanted to wait to have full-on intercourse sex until we were married for moral reasons. He is the first person I've ever been in a relationship with and as our relationship became more physical there's been a lot I've found myself wading through in terms of whether what we were doing was right/moral as well as whether I even enjoyed it. Now, less than a month away from our wedding, we've had a lot of conversations about what our sex life will be and I really think I might be asexual. I'm kind of curious to experience sex, but honestly don't think I'd care if we did it once and then never again. I love being close to him, snuggling, cuddling, even making out. It makes me feel all warm and happy and content and is very pleasureable. But there's nothing else. I don't really have any desire for anything more. There is also still some fear attached about not knowing what I'm doing and the complicated sexual/religious shaming, but I don't think that's all.

 

So, am I asexual? Will my soon-to-be husband, who does very much desire sex and wants it to be positive for me as well, be miserable if I never desire sex like he does? Are there asexual/sexual couples out there who have been happily married for years?

 

I'm just feeling a lot of fear and confusion right now. Advice and stories of any kind very much appreciated.

[Guest]

43 minutes ago, Uncertainsusan said:

So, am I asexual?

It's very difficult to know. Have you done anything sexual with him? Some people do oral, hand stuff, etc before marriage but save PiV. Some stay strictly non-sexual. If you've never done anything sexual with him... you probably won't know for sure til you do. There is a thing called responsive desire, where you really don't desire it until it's basically there and happening. Add in your religious shame and you may not desire it until it's a morally right choice and available, even if you're not ace. 

 

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Will my soon-to-be husband, who does very much desire sex and wants it to be positive for me as well, be miserable if I never desire sex like he does?

 

That's kinda something to discuss with him. Many sexual people cannot be happy in a relationship if sexual compatibility does not exist. Many cannot enjoy sex without their partner also desiring/enjoying it. Some can be OK with compromise sex, that is done just for them. Some can be OK with celibacy (EXTREMELY RARE) and some do open/poly, but with your beliefs I doubt that would be an option. How important you being into sex is, is up to him to decide. 

 

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Are there asexual/sexual couples out there who have been happily married for years?

Some. But, I will be honest with you. The majority (that I know of) of successful mixed relationships end up going open/poly so the sexual partner can have sex outside the marriage. The others that make it work tend to be ones where the sexual can be content (even if not entirely happy) with compromise sex where the ace isn't into it but they give it anyway. Very, very few do celibacy (though it isn't unheard of) because the sexual partner tends to not be happy without sex. It makes them feel unloved, unwanted, ugly, tanks their self-esteem and shifts their feelings for their partner to more platonic (obviously, not all, but many do feel that way). It is extremely rare for a sexual to be happy forever without sex. 

 

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I'm just feeling a lot of fear and confusion right now. Advice and stories of any kind very much appreciated.

Honestly, you're taking a huge gamble and so is your partner. You can discuss it and try to guess how you'd feel, but until you are actually married, living together and spend years with whatever your sex life will look like... neither of you is going to know for sure if it's workable or not. I don't personally agree with no sex before marriage and this is one of the main reasons why. If your religious beliefs do not allow divorce, then you could end up stuck in a marriage where you are both miserable and cannot meet each others needs in the end. But, then, you could also end up happy together and your desire is just responsive so hasn't triggered yet. Or he may be happy with sex as a compromise. Or any other combo. But, you have absolutely no way of telling which way it's going to go. It's a spin of the wheel without the ability to experience before committing to a life together in marriage. 

[anisotrophic]

33 minutes ago, Uncertainsusan said:

Will my soon-to-be husband, who does very much desire sex and wants it to be positive for me as well, be miserable if I never desire sex like he does?

You might be asexual, but your sexuality also sounds very unexplored. But there’s one truth you should both walk into it knowing: people have very different sexualities, their desires and arousal and experiences will all be different. You almost certainly will not desire sex “like he does”, especially if you’re a cishet couple — female sexuality tends to be different to male sexuality.

 

Few people will be exactly alike, and many people will be very different from each other. For people that don’t see any moral issue with premarital sex, it’s one major reason to do that stuff before marriage — committing before exploring whether the sexualities are “compatible” is a risk you take. (But there are others — financial, politics, domestic labor, lifestyle stuff like hobbies/interests, parenting, etc etc etc. oh so many ways to be an unhappy family, a la Tolstoy?)

 

Personally, back when I was more female, I don’t think I felt “sexual attraction” much until I tried doing sexual things, at the age of 18. I think that can be more common for women. So... don’t assume you can’t discover you desire something you haven’t tried? Don’t push yourself to want it, only do things you’re comfortable with, take it slow.

 

(My first experiences weren’t “full on sex”, just touching, manual “hand jobs” stimulation — you should take it slow — and when it was “piv” I was on top and the one controlling the process.  we were both virgins before that. I strongly recommend a penetrated partner be “on top” for any first experiences of penetrative sex, oral, vaginal, or anal.)

 

@Serran’s right that it’s especially hard to “know” much about your sexuality without knowing what you’ve done already.

[Astrea]

Hello!
It's hard to tell you what you are, though I kind of disagree with that idea that you can't know if you are asexual without experiencing sex : being asexual is about wanting to have sex with other people and it doesn't mean you can't enjoy having sex in itself. I've never had sex and I'm 100% sure I'm asexual.
I strongly suggest you talk of your suspicions with your fiancé even if it's just to tell him you are not sure about this. From what I can tell, there are allosexual / asexual successful couples, but some allosexual who got married to asexuals without knowing about it also come here saying how betrayed they feel about their spouse not telling them about this before  and having to discover this once they were married. You can look them up on the forum... and maybe pm the posters to see if they have any insight?

[Guest]

17 hours ago, Astrea said:

Hello!
It's hard to tell you what you are, though I kind of disagree with that idea that you can't know if you are asexual without experiencing sex : being asexual is about wanting to have sex with other people and it doesn't mean you can't enjoy having sex in itself. I've never had sex and I'm 100% sure I'm asexual.

But, wasn't saying anything about enjoying sex. Responsive desire can mean until sex is there, you will not desire it at all. And it is common enough (more so among AFAB than AMAB). I didnt have any desire for sex for 30 years, despite several relationships. I ID'd as asexual for five years of it. However, meeting someone I had a deep bond with and no pressure to sex from, allowed a comfort level I had never had. Which, then, they developed a sexual desire for me and their desire sparked my own. Without theirs, directed at me, in the moment and sex being a positive non-pressure non-stressful event then my desire would be nonexistant. With the right mix, it sparks from theirs and I very much do want sex, not just can enjoy but meh whatever, prefer not to have it. Actively want to have it. 

 

If OP has never been in a position where sex is a positive (religious negative) or in a position where they have done anything to spark responsive desires..  then it is still possible once that happens, they could decide sex and just not be someone who has spontaneous attraction/desire that they have to fight to remain celibate for religious reasons. 

 

They also cannot decide if sex is a thing they can handle if they are asexual. Compromises tend to be harder than people think. Desireless sex is very, very taxing emotionally and mentally. Do it too often and you can end up repulsed. 

 

They also could be one of the many people that cannot do sex because without desire, it can end up being painful. Your muscles don't relax like they do when properly into it. If sex is quite literally painful, it will be harder to give. 

 

With no experience, one can guess if they can do sex and how much they could put into it. But, you dont know. It is far too easy to say "I can do that" and the reality is far harder...

 

Plus, they wont know if their partner even desires sex with them as it stands. Many sexuals cannot desire a partner that isnt into it. So, they become frustrated and unhappy with their sex life, or even in the extreme, feel like rapists cause the partner obviously doesn't want to be doing this and is only doing it for them. Which, leads to marital issues overall, because the majority of sexuals need a sexual bond. 

 

So, yeah, lack of experience can mean being sexual and not knowing it. It can also mean being asexual and not knowing if you can offer sex to a partner. It can also mean not knowing if the partner could be happy with what sex you can give. 

 

Of course you can be ace and never develop anything more and never need experience. But, 1) we don't know OP well enough to say and 2) it is never a guarantee you won't learn something new about yourself ... I was positive I would never want sex and quite literally swore off sexuals. I just lucked out that my AVEN met partner desires me as well, so me developing it didnt hurt us, it helped. 

[MrDane]

If you know and you dont let him know now, then I think you are keeping important information away from him. To me, morally speaking, that is quite close to lying. Give him the possibility to cope with this.

[HibernoHistorian]

On 8/1/2020 at 1:20 PM, Uncertainsusan said:

I'm 26 years old, engaged to an incredible man, and I've never had sex. We're both religious and wanted to wait to have full-on intercourse sex until we were married for moral reasons. He is the first person I've ever been in a relationship with and as our relationship became more physical there's been a lot I've found myself wading through in terms of whether what we were doing was right/moral as well as whether I even enjoyed it. Now, less than a month away from our wedding, we've had a lot of conversations about what our sex life will be and I really think I might be asexual. I'm kind of curious to experience sex, but honestly don't think I'd care if we did it once and then never again. I love being close to him, snuggling, cuddling, even making out. It makes me feel all warm and happy and content and is very pleasureable. But there's nothing else. I don't really have any desire for anything more. There is also still some fear attached about not knowing what I'm doing and the complicated sexual/religious shaming, but I don't think that's all.

 

So, am I asexual? Will my soon-to-be husband, who does very much desire sex and wants it to be positive for me as well, be miserable if I never desire sex like he does? Are there asexual/sexual couples out there who have been happily married for years?

 

I'm just feeling a lot of fear and confusion right now. Advice and stories of any kind very much appreciated.

Wow, this is pretty much exactly what it was like for me, even down to not figuring out I was ace until we were already committed and planning our wedding. We've only been married for a couple months now, so obviously I don't have a lot of experience, but here are my thoughts.

 

First of all, if you've not already, I think you should definitely talk to him about this. Even if you're not certain about identifying as ace yet, still it would be good to explain how you're feeling because then you can negotiate how to take it slow, what you think you would/wouldn't be comfortable with, etc. (And you don't have to do anything at all until you're ready - it took us about a week to build up to even attempting.) I found it helpful to write my thoughts down in a private document, edit and work through it until I was satisfied with it, and then sent it to him, so that might be easier for you as well. Depending on his knowledge/background regarding sexualities, it might be more helpful to describe what you're feeling before using the word asexual because of potential baggage, him possibly not knowing what it means, etc. I think that was probably the mistake I made that caused my fiance to freak out a little - it turned out to have negative baggage for him. I understand that it's scary and that there's the possibility of it being a deal-breaker, but if it helps,  the fact that your relationship has grown without sex in the first place means that it has to have been founded on other things and so is hopefully more likely to withstand this development. It will almost certainly require compromise, but every relationship does in some capacity. And it's definitely better to get it out there sooner rather than later.

 

As to what your relationship might be like, I'm afraid I can't tell you because I don't know you or your fiance, but I can describe what it's been like for us.

So, like you, I enjoy cuddles and doing things to make him feel happy, but don't really have much interest in sex myself. (Nothing graphic following, but a bit of possible TMI)

Spoiler

What has worked so far for us is to make sure we take a bit of time to cuddle and talk about our days each night, and to maybe do a bit of oral or manual stimulation if he wants it (or, albeit very rarely, if I want to), but only occasionally do full penetrative sex. It took a long time to be able to work up to that because the first several attempts were painful to me - it's sometimes a bit uncomfortable still, but not too bad. So that's mostly a special thing,  not a regular occurrence. We do regularly shower together, which while sometimes a little awkward and inconvenient when my mind is on shampooing my hair and his is on something else, I think works out to a nice compromise because it's a special, intimate experience that only we share together, but it's usually not explicitly sexual. 

I don't know whether it would be the same in your case, but my husband has told me that, knowing that it was something I was ambivalent to, he found that he felt the need for sex less often than he expected. Not that it's gone, but it's easier to pass up.

One potential issue to be aware of and to talk about is that, for many people, the emotional connection and mutual desire is as much a part of their needs, if not more so, than the physical act itself. And this is really hard for me at least (and I'd guess for many aces) because while I can and am happy to participate in the physical acts, it's impossible to conjure up feelings that aren't there, which can make the act feel empty and incomplete, and possibly to make the partner feel undesirable or feel like the other isn't really consenting. (Consent is a tricky issue, I've found it sometimes difficult to figure out whether or not I'm really comfortable in the moment, so that would probably be worth discussing as well.) So that emotional issue is one we're still sorting through - most of the time, we have our mutual understanding, but sometimes he feels upset and frustrated that I don't feel the same way that he does, and I feel the same way because I can't provide that. It's a difficult thing to deal with because, almost inevitably, both parties will not quite be getting all that they want. But making sure that he understands that it's not personal and isn't something you can help may be beneficial, and both of you making sure to show your love and appreciation in other ways.

 

As to whether or not you're ace, that's ultimately something you have to decide for yourself. I definitely wondered whether it was just the religious baggage and shame that made me repress sexual desire, but pretty quickly figured out that wasn't the case. Regardless, whether you are or aren't, this is definitely something you'll want to discuss with him, but it's also something that is definitely possible to come to an agreement on. Obviously I can't speak for long-term marriages (although this relationship has been going on for six years), but I definitely have confidence in our own continuing forward, and I think there's a decent chance of the two of you figuring something out. At any rate, I wish you all the best!