Philip027 Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 Personally, if someone wasn't satisfied enough with being with me to the point they'd want to go be with other people too, I'd rather they just go be with them instead. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ This isn't me trying to sound vindictive or anything; if I love someone I truly want what is best for them, and that includes accepting the fact that what's best for them just might not involve me. That's just my own take on it; other aces might feel differently. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 22 hours ago, ryn2 said: The other thing to keep in mind is that happy couples and polycules are less likely to be on here looking for answers, venting, etc., than unhappy ones are. A lot of people here come here at - or at least close to - the end of their ropes, whereas a lot of happy people are... out there being happy, as trite as that sounds. That’s part of why people refer those considering poly and other forms of ENM to some of the more helpful books on opening relationships. Those books are action manuals for success, in contrast to a lot of our sad chronicles of failure. Good point! Most sexuals here are battling to find a way to stay in a relationship, where sex (or asexuality) is an issue. I have read a ton of socalled good advice from marriage-councellors, doctors, sex therapeuts and magazines’ ... most of those are aimed for sexual/sexual couples and usually adress desire as a natural thing or a thing to be awoken if it has fallen asleep. Opening a relationship is often about going against your monogamistic default setting, but at the same time following your need for mutually desired sex. So... in a mixed relationship... opening can be choosing your partner by not having sex with your partner. And the partner is able to choose you by not having sex with you, but accepting that you have sex with someone else. How much feelings and commitment and sharing and life and loss that comes with that deal is hard to know beforehand. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountain House Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Ours said: I’m not... I've responded, deleted, thought, started another... <sigh> In essence: How many asexual people would you need to say they are comfortable in their open relationship for you to know that [rhetorical]... ... you and your husband are the only two people that can do the investigation to see if this is an option for your relationship. Stop feeling guilty for voicing what you need for your happiness. You are dragging your feet because you don't want to hurt your partner by saying you need <whatever it is> for your happiness. I understand and it was hard and there were tears but I couldn't/can't/won't be able to do this myself. SO, hit up amazon. Buy a copy of Opening Up by Tristan Taormino (or two) and have your own 2 party book club. Celibacy is your decision alone. Divorce is individual - he can decide for it - you can decide for it - and it happens. Ain't nuth'n the other can do about it. Opening and compromise [I'm not into the word compromise (so lose/lose) but seeking a win/win solution can happen. Some find certain kinks/activities that make everyone happy.] are solutions that take tough discussion and communication and effort of everyone involved. <sigh> See, it got wordy again. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountain House Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 11 minutes ago, MrDane said: I have read a ton of socalled good advice from marriage-councellors, doctors, sex therapeuts and magazines’ OMG! Not just read but was given, heard, ... We worked so hard. For years. It has been a tough unwind to find out that we are not broken and this is just the way we are. To have learned this years ago... Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 6 minutes ago, Mountain House said: OMG! Not just read but was given, heard, ... We worked so hard. For years. It has been a tough unwind to find out that we are not broken and this is just the way we are. To have learned this years ago... Yup! As someone said (Kierkegaard, perhaps?) if you want to move a person to a certain place, then you first have to find out, where the person is. We did two things wrooong. We didnt find eachother and we tried to move to a place where we didnt want to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountain House Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 3 minutes ago, MrDane said: We didnt find eachother Well, the system of which we are speaking seems to make it hard to find ourselves let alone each other. You are broken and she is broken and here are a bunch of broken things you need to work on to fix it all. Finding this site was an extremely emotional event for me. We don't have an answer yet but we are way ahead of that other curve. Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 2 hours ago, Ours said: ..Are aces just happier in mixed relationship? This sight is mostly for aces but nothing see support for mixed relationships from aces. Not even suggestions... Hi. I don't know if this is the reason, but, according to the 2016 Ace Survey Census (that's the most recent data) and previous years' survey's, most aces on this site are in their teens and 20s. If you're interested, here's a link to the stats about aces, including how many have or haven't been in a relationship; whether their relationship was with a sexual or not; how many consider themselves polyamorous (on page 27 of the survey results link), etc. https://asexualcensus.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/2016_ace_community_survey_report.pdf Link to post Share on other sites
RDIAG Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 49 minutes ago, MrDane said: So... in a mixed relationship... opening can be choosing your partner by not having sex with your partner. And the partner is able to choose you by not having sex with you, but accepting that you have sex with someone else. I like the way you put that. Staying together is always a matter of choosing each other every day. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountain House Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 33 minutes ago, LeChat said: https://asexualcensus.files.wordpress.com/2018/11/2016_ace_community_survey_report.pdf To a research whore such as myself this is just awesome! I did not know this existed. My insistence that there exist polyamorous asexual people comes from the very mouths [er, fingers] of those people on a different site that targets a polyamory. Now I've numbers. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 38 minutes ago, RDIAG said: I like the way you put that. Staying together is always a matter of choosing each other every day. Thanx! I choose my wife and she chooses me. But everything is a “cost/benefit” and if the cost starts to weigh to much, then first step is to see if we can reverse that development, but stick with the love. Link to post Share on other sites
LeChat Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 21 minutes ago, Mountain House said: To a research whore such as myself this is just awesome! I did not know this existed...Now I've numbers. Oh; okay. Well, if you're really interested in looking at previous years' survey results, there are more, here: https://asexualcensus.wordpress.com/past-censuses/ Here's the home page: https://asexualcensus.wordpress.com/ Link to post Share on other sites
Lucinda Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Make_Invisible_Visible said: Can I marry someone after discussing with my asexual wife consent for a sake of kids which is the ultimate goal for a marriage relationship ??? Can we three stay together as family...In this scenario; asexual women is free from sexual contact; sexual men having sexual contact with the sexual women.... In your country, can you be married to more than one person at the same time? If yes, then discuss this with your wife. Lucinda Link to post Share on other sites
Mountain House Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 17 minutes ago, Make_Invisible_Visible said: What I can do at this situation... Ah, I'm starting to get a bit of a picture. I can help with this one. Take her for her word. Leave her alone and don't message or call her. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucinda Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 She has moved out and wants to be left alone. This action indicates to me that she thinks it is the best decision for her and for both of you. Lucinda Link to post Share on other sites
Ours Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 5 hours ago, LeChat said: Hi. I don't know if this is the reason, but, according to the 2016 Ace Survey Census (that's the most recent data) and previous years' survey's, most aces on this site are in their teens and 20s. Whoa that’s young. I was not expecting that. I’m also extremely glad. Because we didn’t even think on it 20 years ago. I get a lot of peace knowing more people are knowing themselves. So mixed relationships won’t be an issue 20 years from now. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 Quote So mixed relationships won’t be an issue 20 years from now. I wouldn't count on that. Asexuals being aware of their asexuality will not stop them from potentially falling in love with sexuals (or vice versa), or stop them from attempting to make things work anyway (regardless of whether or not they actually can). Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 I don't understand the request, sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Ours Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 6 hours ago, Philip027 said: Personally, if someone wasn't satisfied enough with being with me to the point they'd want to go be with other people too, I'd rather they just go be with them instead. I use to feel this way before children. It’s was easier then. He also didn’t know he was asexual and their is the issue. The change. So hard wrap my mind around I was worth him going against his grain then now I’m not. i wish I was asexual we both would be happy. With no complexity. He doesn’t wish he was allowsexual because he doesn’t know what that would be. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucinda Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 9 minutes ago, Philip027 said: I don't understand the request, sorry. I believe he is referring to your signature. Lucinda Link to post Share on other sites
Ours Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 10 minutes ago, Philip027 said: I wouldn't count on that. Asexuals being aware of their asexuality will not stop them from potentially falling in love with sexuals (or vice versa), I think going into a relationship knowing your sexually and putting it on table would be a very different relationship then spending 20 years confused. You would be working from the start. Much like the question of kids or not. I never would have married someone who didn’t want kids. I don’t think my husband would have married me if knew how taxed he would have felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Ours Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 6 hours ago, MrDane said: socalled good advice from marriage-councellors, doctors, sex therapeuts and magazines’ ... most of those are aimed for sexual/sexual couples and usually adress desire as a natural thing or a thing to be awoken if it has fallen asleep. This right here! Allowsexual / allowsexual is so different from this. Since being married it’s been ‘marriage is hard’ but this is different from hard. It’s not hard to love him or want him happy it’s hard for both of us to happy at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 Quote I think going into a relationship knowing your sexually and putting it on table would be a very different relationship then spending 20 years confused. You would be working from the start. That much is potentially true, yes. More knowledge rarely hurts. It's still very different from claiming mixed relationships won't exist in 20 years, though. Even to this day for instance, gay people are getting into relationships with straight people, either from them not knowing they were gay, they were trying to be "normal", or whatever other reason. Quote Can u explain Personality type - (ST) & Multiple intelligence in detail..Just curious to know about this..Not getting much from the snapshot what you have shared...would be helpful for better understanding if you are explaining in detail....ST stands for?? It's just summarized results of an online personality test (the MBTI, Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) I took ages ago because several other users at the time had a similar thing in their signatures. Basically the test finds you as either more introverted or extraverted, sensing or intuitive, etc. and depending on which 4 of the 8 qualities are more dominant in you, you fit one of 16 four letter profiles, of which mine is ISTJ. https://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/the-16-mbti-types.htm Link to post Share on other sites
Ours Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 2 minutes ago, Make_Invisible_Visible said: Either we need to break the relationship...or we need to be open about compromise what feels good for both of them..Sorry if it hurts..Correct me if am wrong He loves me and wants to stay together to. He just has no idea how to make us happy at the same time any more then I do. Most think breaking up is the answer but how do sleep (As in fall asleep) with out each other. How can you possibly start a new relationship when you are in the eyes of new person ‘still hung up on your ex’ it’s complicated without question. Link to post Share on other sites
Ours Posted August 4, 2020 Author Share Posted August 4, 2020 7 minutes ago, Philip027 said: It's still very different from claiming mixed relationships won't exist in 20 years, though. Even to this day for instance, gay people are getting into relationships with straight people, either from them not knowing they were gay, they were trying to be "normal", or whatever other reason I asked so my times if he was gay. At one point I told him it would be easier if he was and he agreed. Mostly because that would have been an answer rather then this confusion. He does enjoy ‘hanging’ with me and cuddling it’s just the sex part. Answers we needed reasons now we need skills Link to post Share on other sites
KiraS Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 On the original subject, it doesn't work for me. My needs for emotional safe space are exceptionally high and difficult to maintain with multiple partners. And I always seem to end up with a unicorn hunter who tries to push me into more polyamory "for my own good." 🤢 Link to post Share on other sites
KiraS Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 Unicorn hunters are people looking for all the benefits of polyamory and/or group sex for themselves without all of the drama of paying attention to other people's boundaries. They're particularly obnoxious where bi people are concerned because the "common wisdom" says bi people need polyamory and/or group sex in order to be fulfilled. I'm a bi person in an LTR with an ace person. It works for me because, as I've said, my needs for emotional safe space are exceptionally high, and that's more important to me than partnered sex at this time in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 4, 2020 Share Posted August 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Make_Invisible_Visible said: what is LTR? Long Term Relationship Link to post Share on other sites
Ours Posted August 5, 2020 Author Share Posted August 5, 2020 On 8/4/2020 at 10:06 AM, KiraS said: And I always seem to end up with a unicorn hunter who tries to push me into more polyamory "for my own good." 🤢 You keep yourself safe! This isn’t Polly as I understand it. I want everyone to feel safe love and empowered by each other. Not another toxic relationship in a different box. Link to post Share on other sites
Ours Posted August 5, 2020 Author Share Posted August 5, 2020 On 8/3/2020 at 11:44 PM, Make_Invisible_Visible said: May I know your husband is sexually repel or sex positive??? I don’t know how to describe it. He’s gentle and kind. Will cuddle/hug if I do. He wouldn’t on his own. When he has sex it’s anxiety ridden not really enjoyable for either. I don’t think that’s repulsed but it doesn’t seem positive either. he a good person but for him Love has nothing to do with physical affection. Link to post Share on other sites
MrDane Posted August 9, 2020 Share Posted August 9, 2020 It is all a question about what makes the mutual sum of happiness better for both/the couple/the family/the relationship and how to put the bad stuff on a minimum. Unfortunately we dont know the outcome of certain things, like going open/poly and therefore it is taking a risk to do it. The big issue here is, what are the alternatives? Which other solutions can you see? What will each solution bring for both/all of you? ‘I still love you, and want US to continue as we were, but I just have another girlfriend instead of you’ Link to post Share on other sites
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