Elizabeth Jayne Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 I am very happy AVEN exists and am relieved to be finally joining this community -- I have had a long and sometimes difficult journey coming to accept my asexuality. When I was 16, I was almost certain that I was asexual. People around me, from my friends to television and novel characters seemed to be powerfully affected by the force of sexual attraction. And I felt like an uncharged particle in an electromagnetic field. (I should mention that I am a physicist! ) (my profile picture is some art I made to visualize a model of how electrons arrange themselves on a set of atoms arranged in a diamond) I felt like something was wrong with me. I was afraid to tell anyone. I felt somehow biologically defective. And this was further reinforced when I saw a therapist who told me that asexuality was not real. He felt that I needed to awaken my sexuality and on his advice I pressured myself into trying to be heterosexual. I tried to have crushes. I would choose someone who seemed intelligent and was a good swimmer (I like to swim). And talking to my "crushes" would scare me not because I felt butterflies but because I was terrified of having to act on urges I was pretending to feel. I continued this behavior throughout high school and well into college. In college, I learned that I could feel romantic attraction. I also learned that most people were madly in love with sex and many had sexual needs, which really confused me. And when I tried to start a relationship with the friend I had fallen in love with, I learned that romantic and sexual attraction are often intimately tangled. I could not act on urges I did not have. And my heart was broken. Amidst the heartbreak, I realized I could no longer deny that asexuality is part of who I am. I started to tell my friends about it. Only one friend believed me. Others, with good intentions, replied with unhelpful and invalidating statements I am sure many of you have heard. The internet confirmed that other people identified as asexual, and I felt many of their stories resonated with me. I went back to the therapist and presented my arguments for asexuality again. His stance had not changed, but I was beginning to doubt that I was broken. I wish I could say I had given up for good on trying to be heterosexual. There were more self-initiated uncomfortable experiences, and more difficulty than was probably necessary. I came to accept that my asexuality may mean that no one would ever love me romantically, but now I know this is not true. Through the years, my denial lessened, I enjoyed fulfillment through friendships, adventures, and my career, and eventually I made my peace with asexuality. Feeling sexual attraction is not what makes us human, despite the numerous cultural messages affirming this myth. I am like a neutron amidst a sea of electrons and protons. We are as confident that neutrons exist as we are that protons and electrons exist. Neutrons are particles, too! And it is nice to learn I am not the only one. I am eager to learn about how you all have found ways to live as asexual people in such a sexualized world. I also would appreciate advice on how to talk to family and friends about asexuality. Finally, I want to offer some hope to people out there who may be facing similar struggles as I have in the past. I am American but I lived in the Netherlands for a year after college. I felt so much more comfortable living as an asexual person there. I formed deep and meaningful friendships with no obligation or pressure to talk about or be interested in sex. And unlike in America, where bars felt like a place to get picked up, bars in the Netherlands felt like a place where I could belong, too. I hope asexual people in Europe who are not foreigners have also felt accepted there. Now I also feel very lucky to have a non-asexual partner who knows that I identify as asexual and is an ally. I didn't use labels with him for a while. I didn't know how to. Unfortunately, I was still seeing the therapist who told me asexuality did not exist. I just told my partner that I was not physically attracted to people and he said that that was not a problem. We fell in love and have been together for a year and a half now. I have broken up with the therapist and am seeing someone else now. My new therapist and my partner have been encouraging me to join communities like this one so we can learn more about this part of me. Realizing I was asexual even after trying desperately not to be felt devastating at first. I hope that my story can be a testament to the fact that it gets better, and I hope that it continues to get better now with a community of people with similar experiences. And who share my love of cake! Link to post Share on other sites
Artila Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 Hello and welcome to AVEN! Expect people to ofer lots of cake to you (my slow wifi doesn't allow it, sadly haha) Anyway that therapist of yours sounds reaaaaally toxic and I am glad that you managed to see past their unhelpful advice! I am also glad for you to have found a partner as supporting as yours! :3 we need more allies like that. I hope you find what you seek in here (I am positive you will tho) and wish you lots of fun Link to post Share on other sites
flatulence Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 1 hour ago, Elizabeth Jayne said: I am like a neutron amidst a sea of electrons and protons. I love that! Link to post Share on other sites
Beukennootje Posted August 1, 2020 Share Posted August 1, 2020 Welcome at the forum! Have some cake🍰🍰 I am Dutch and I get what you said about the bars. I never felt like it is 'to get picked up' or so (luckily). How did you end up in the Netherlands if may ask? I am curious:) If you feel more comfortable talking one on one, you can also always send me a PM. Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Jayne Posted August 1, 2020 Author Share Posted August 1, 2020 Thanks for the replies! And Beukennootje, it is great to meet someone from the Netherlands! I wanted to go abroad and chose the Netherlands because a physics professor I wanted to work with is situated in Leiden. So I applied for a grant to work in his institute and live in Leiden. I cannot wait to go back and visit Link to post Share on other sites
Lichley Posted August 2, 2020 Share Posted August 2, 2020 Welcome! I’m studying to be a chemist myself, and I gotta say I adore your profile picture, it’s so cool :0 Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 2, 2020 Share Posted August 2, 2020 First of all, welcome to AVEN!! Second of all, you're a physicist!! HOW COOL IS THAT? Here, have a little physics inspired cake I found on le google! I relate to so much of your story. I too had a therapist who tried to "fix me", and boy does it hurt. Especially when it is a therapist you trusted and had good rapport with. It definitely feels like a betrayal, at least it did for me. When you explain yourself again and again, and they continue to think that they know you better than you know yourself. As for advice for coming out to people, I recommend giving a brief cursory explanation of YOUR asexuality. Since everyone is a bit different. It sounds like you are fairly similar to me, so I'll share what I usually say as a sort of guideline you can use, if you like. My go to explanation is: "I'm asexual. Which simply means I don't experience sexual attraction to people. But I love people, platonically and romantically. I've been in love, and I'm not opposed to dating people. I just feel no sexual attraction." If they don't get it, or think it's a phase, or say something invalidating, I share some short Youtube videos! Here's the ones I used to educate my parents, that really helped them understand. They're short, to the point, and explain things clearly and concisely. The last one is a little animated film (that I personally love) but it's not applicable to all aces. But it is to me, and I shared it with my parents so I'll include it anyway. https://youtu.be/i14YMpKS_CY https://youtu.be/lMhix4nr_0g https://youtu.be/R9tSal4YyII https://youtu.be/ZemGK6cEUOE And finally, I'm so happy to hear you are in a loving, happy relationship! Especially after pretending to be straight and feeling uncomfortable with yourself for so long. I hope you don't mind me saying I'm so proud of you! You have come so far. Link to post Share on other sites
Elizabeth Jayne Posted August 2, 2020 Author Share Posted August 2, 2020 Nightlight, thank you so much for the cake and the advice! I watched these videos and really like them. Good for you for being able to talk to your parents about this. In the past six months, I have started to talk to my mom about it and it was really scary. I am hoping to talk to my little sister next. Youtube videos may be the way to go with her... And I am sorry to hear you had similar experiences with a therapist. Something I have been talking with friends about is how, as therapy becomes less stigmatized and more a topic of public discourse, we hope that people know better what can be expected from a therapist. For example, trying to "fix" your sexuality is not normal and not okay. I have been talking to friends about therapy and therapists a lot more since realizing that therapists like you and I have seen can continue harmful practices if society is not aware of the basic expectations of mental health care. Anyways, it is something I am thinking about a lot. I hope you have found people who are more supportive of your identity, too. And thanks for the words of support. It means a lot to finally be able to talk to other people who have similar experiences Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 20 hours ago, Elizabeth Jayne said: Nightlight, thank you so much for the cake and the advice! I watched these videos and really like them. Good for you for being able to talk to your parents about this. In the past six months, I have started to talk to my mom about it and it was really scary. I am hoping to talk to my little sister next. Youtube videos may be the way to go with her... You are so welcome! I'm glad you enjoyed the videos. Talking to my parents was great the first time, but the second time was when things got messy. That's when the videos came in, for me. It can be really scary to talk to people about, because with asexuality, there's a high chance they won't get it, or dismiss it, or say hurtful things. A lot of it comes from being so underrepresented. But it's definitely worth it. As a lovely drag queen I saw once said "You have to proudly take your seat at the table." Good luck with talking to your sister! It might be easier than you expect. Coming out to my sister was much easier cause she is around my age and thus has more of a finger on the pulse about gender and sexuality politics. I find it's easier to talk to younger generations about asexuality. A lot of the older generation simply haven't heard of it, they usually only know gay and straight, and maybe bisexual. 20 hours ago, Elizabeth Jayne said: Something I have been talking with friends about is how, as therapy becomes less stigmatized and more a topic of public discourse, we hope that people know better what can be expected from a therapist. For example, trying to "fix" your sexuality is not normal and not okay. I have been talking to friends about therapy and therapists a lot more since realizing that therapists like you and I have seen can continue harmful practices if society is not aware of the basic expectations of mental health care. That's a great discussion to keep up! Hopefully the more people like you and me and your friends speak up about it, things start to change. Sometimes that's all it takes, is to get the conversation going and slowly but surely minds begin to change. Here's to hoping therapists stop trying to "fix" or change people's orientations! 20 hours ago, Elizabeth Jayne said: I hope you have found people who are more supportive of your identity, too. Thank you! I have! It's a small but tight group of women who I am very lucky to have in my life. And of course, even if they don't fully get it, my family. 20 hours ago, Elizabeth Jayne said: And thanks for the words of support. It means a lot to finally be able to talk to other people who have similar experiences You are so welcome! That's the best thing about AVEN, honestly. It's so nice to have somewhere we can come and talk about asexuality (and our lives in general!). I actually cried when I read the responses on my first post here. It feels so good to feel understood. Feel free to update with how it goes with your sister! ☺️ Link to post Share on other sites
Tintintiens Posted August 3, 2020 Share Posted August 3, 2020 Thank you for sharing your story and welcome! 🍰 By the way, your introduction was really beautifully written! Like you, I am new here. However, I haven't figured myself out, yet, and I am thinking about talking to my therapist about asexuality. Hopefully, she will be like your current therapist. I am sorry that your other therapist pressured you into trying things that you did not want to try out and I am glad that you found peace despite this bad experience! Again, thank you for your story - it is very inspiring and gives me hope. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 A very belated welcome to AVEN! I'm glad you've found self-acceptance! I survive in this world by just being myself and trying not to care whether others understand me. Although that's sometimes easier said than done. For talking to your family and friends, you could try writing everything you need to say in a note, it's how I came out to my Dad. And here's a "Particle Physics" cake, https://twitter.com/budge_lucy/status/960932226488852481 Link to post Share on other sites
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